tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108697452024-03-07T17:21:51.601-06:00Get Me Off This Thing!Seeing things in a different light. Always learning and growing.Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.comBlogger185125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-65980021122350924582011-06-03T15:45:00.002-05:002011-06-03T15:45:53.593-05:00Aftermath...The battle that has been the first 30-something years of my life is no longer. I sit here in the thick of it all... things strewn everywhere; electronic and musical gear piled to the ceiling; dishes piling up in the sink; unpaid bills, and more. I look at it all with mixed feelings, some compassion, and some disgust. Why did I do what I did? Because it's how I knew to survive, no matter what the cost in any aspect. Avoid and Isolate - that's what I did best. The world outside was too much to deal with for extended periods of time.<br />
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I now enjoy being in the company of others, and this place is dangerous for me. The memories, the triggers, the "episodes" are all very much alive within the walls of my physical domain. Of course, I don't blame the very building itself or the things contained within it, but what's connected to those things is what is painful...what meaning I've attached to them. Is it time to move again, and this time live with others in some kind of commune?<br />
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I know very well that even if I did move somewhere else, those feelings, thoughts, and unanswered problems would follow me wherever I went. Putting a band-aid on the situation only helps for a short time; eventually the truth reveals itself, and I feel as if I had never left. The "mess" would propagate itself somewhere else, and possibly be worse, until I decide to address it, accept the lesson, and learn from it.<br />
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The mess I am dealing with is mostly on mental, physical, financial, as well as spiritual levels. I tried running away from everyone and everything that distressed me, made me feel uncomfortable, or didn't like. That was my answer for a very long time....just run away. It was one coping skill that I mastered. In the wake of it all, I left quite a mess behind for others to "clean up," or try to fix. I was very irresponsible and impulsive. I didn't want to learn anything, and I rebelled against anyone or anything that tried to teach me. I just wanted to be "left alone." But did I? Maybe for the short term...<br />
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but not forever...<br />
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Something happens to living creatures when they are alone for a long period of time; they begin to accommodate themselves for a life where there is no chance of letting anyone in. Certain behaviors are instituted, impulses are acted upon almost immediately, and they become hard-wired. They isolate and cut themselves off from the rest of the world, living in an ivory tower of sorts; a safe haven where no one and nothing can harm them.<br />
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For a while, this seems like not too bad of a life, especially if you have suffered what seems endless torment, depression, anxiety, and fear. Everything seems to be not so bad at all! There's a momentary feeling of freedom, allowing you to feel it's OK to be yourself. You make it "yours," and you do everything you were told you couldn't do as a child. "I can do what I want now! I don't need ANYONE! I can't trust people; they'll only hurt me! Everything is just fine like this!" Everything is "perfect," and you truly believe you don't need anyone. You give into your impulses, and accept them as fact, no matter the consequences.<br />
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Sometime later, a different feeling awakens in you; you start feeling "bored," and your mind starts to wander. The distractions of the trappings of this perfect life are no longer enough to satisfy you. Thoughts like "Why are we here? What is my purpose in life? Why was I even born? Was I a mistake?" start to do their work on you. If you have a history of depression, the questions weigh upon you 100 times more than most. That "emptiness" starts to pervade you, and you start to look for ways to ignore it, or distract yourself from it.<br />
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Soon, you're caught up in a lot of activities, doing your best to suppress those "voices," but you realize that you aren't very comfortable in social situations, and you struggle to keep your head above the water as best as you can. You make friends, you do some fun things, but you still find yourself acting the way you did through childhood when things and people don't do what you expect them to. You find yourself reliving those old feelings, and....you run back to the safety of your "tower." Safe at last!<br />
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Yes, you're safe from that potential threat, but now what? How long are you going to stay here? Long enough for the "voices" to return and start their interrogation progress yet again, this time a bit more intense. You sit there, detached, depressed and isolated, desperately hoping to find the answers to these questions someday. You know that distracting yourself doesn't work any longer. Still, you try it again and again, only to fail each and every time. You buy things that you think will make you happy, or maybe buy things you always wanted but couldn't as a child. "Now what? Maybe if I get this thing, I'll be happier..." The lesson takes some reading between the lines to find. It says, "No matter how much you own, it will never make up for the pain in your heart." Slowly, this lesson is learned, and you see it to be true.<br />
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You find yourself getting outside more and more as the years go by, but like a child, you compulsively return home, as though it's what you're supposed to do. You know now that you're not as happy with your life as you once were...now it's become more of a prison than a paradise. You allow yourself to remain there on days when you have no plans with anyone else. "It's what I always do," you say to yourself as the days pass.<br />
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You still feel uncomfortable being with others, yet you desire the companionship. The advantages outweigh the disadvantages, and you see this for yourself. Still, you return home by default, not knowing what else to do. The behavior became a pattern, and the pattern became a habit. Habits can become addictions. Isolation becomes a way of life that you no longer enjoy, yet you lock yourself away because it's so deeply ingrained within you. Oh yeah, and while you were enjoying it, lots of not so great things happened because you chose to ignore everything outside of your world.<br />
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friends stop talking to you<br />
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family loses touch with you<br />
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debts pile up<br />
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obligations aren't met<br />
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promises are broken<br />
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chores aren't done<br />
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bridges are burned<br />
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opportunities are missed<br />
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money is wasted<br />
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people pass away and you never know<br />
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...that and several other things. You also ignore what's going on with you physically. You tend to...<br />
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have a poor diet<br />
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sleep too much<br />
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sit too much<br />
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watch too much tv<br />
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spend too much time online<br />
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forget about personal hygiene<br />
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let medical problems worsen<br />
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indulge in damaging habits and impulses<br />
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develop addictions<br />
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lack structure and/or a plan for the day<br />
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push people out of your life<br />
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...just to name a few.<br />
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A good friend sees that you are struggling so hard within your life, and just asks one day "What do you want out of life?" You ponder that question for a long time. At first, it doesn't take hold completely, yet it is still in the back of your mind. As time passes, it slowly makes its way to center stage of your thoughts. One day, it's all you can think about. You ask the question, and another part of you awakens, reminding you that you were a selfish child, you cared not for the consideration of others, and you fought life every step of the way. And so, a tug-of-war starts and the very fabric of your being is challenged, tested, and at times, feeling ripped nearly apart. In response, you do what you've always done; retreat back to safe and familiar surroundings, severing ties as needed, and you go into "hibernation" yet again.<br />
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You feel those familiar "trapped" feelings yet again, but this time you choose not to allow them to overtake you. Instead, you start to look somewhere that you've truly never have before in your life; WITHIN. You sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with yourself, as painful as it may be, and you say that you can't live like this anymore, and suicide is no longer an option. You feel the pain and just let it out, no matter how much it hurts. You decide to seek guidance from several sources, as well as listening to your heart. You delve head-first into spirituality, not looking for salvation, but for answers, advice, and some basic groundwork. Slowly, answers start to surface and they make sense. Sometimes they hurt because they appear to be attacking what we believe; nonetheless, you stay focused on them.<br />
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Down the road, you begin to share your findings and discoveries with some friends, and they understand the meaning of what you are going through. They share some of their own knowledge and recommend books to read and to share with others. You experience feelings that have not previously been a part of your life; the desire to contribute, to love, to share, and to grow. It's then you realize what that "hunger" was that bothered you for so long...to reach out and connect! Every day, the urge grows stronger, and you do the best you can to maintain and make new friendships, healing broken ones, and letting go of abusive ones. You remain true to yourself and to others, to the best of your ability.<br />
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...and then you come home again, and you look at the "aftermath" of this "war." You look around and you see someone who was desperately trying to figure out his life in so many ways, leaving many unfinished projects, failed attempts, commitments unanswered, debts unpaid, invitations unanswered, friendships faltering, and obligations not met. He's not a bad person, just very a very confused and scared one. His life was that of a battlefield, every step perilous. The world was out to get him it seemed, so he bunked in for the long term, not realizing what would happen later. He was only trying to protect himself, nothing more. The war is over now, and so the clean-up and rebuilding begins...one piece at a time. <br />
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The consequences of my actions may yield some difficulties down the road, but I will work with them to the best of my ability. I may never own a home, buy a new car, or get out of debt. I made a mess and it has to be cleaned up. My actions had an impact upon others, and I will do my best to help them, even if it means giving up what I thought was so important within my life. I stand here now, looking at things from a different point-of-view, seeing more clearly than I ever have. These "things" don't mean as much to me now, and as time goes on, they will slowly disappear from my life...one by one. Maybe someone else can enjoy them for a while, and pass them on. That's my hope anyway.<br />
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Awakening from the sleep and getting out of the war was the best thing that I could ever do for myself. No material thing or other person could have given that to me....it had to come from somewhere deep inside. It took getting through a long war to finally see that.<br />
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Let the healing begin.Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-91611601493061120182011-05-22T17:18:00.000-05:002011-05-22T17:18:26.669-05:00Ignorance<b>What do we know? <br />
How do we know? <br />
Most importantly, WHY do we know? <br />
</b><br />
The role models of our lives taught us what we know. Role models, such as parents, relatives, teachers, authority figures, etc. have passed on bits of knowledge and wisdom to us. At least that's what happens in an ideal world. We impart the lessons given to us, and take the knowledge for what it's worth. Many times, the value of that "knowledge" and the "lessons" learned are not helpful to us at all. Despite this, we accept it as fact, and go through our lives, limited by this belief that is instilled within us. We accept it as fact, and believe it as if it were true. <br />
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<b>Cycle of Doubt</b><br />
We've all had people in our lives, supposedly meaning well, telling us that they think we shouldn't do this, or that we're not capable of it; maybe it was one or both of our parents, seeing the difficulty we were having with something, and so, in an effort to "help" the child, they end up doing the very thing that the child needs to see and do for himself, no matter what the outcome. They cushion the bumps for the child, in essence reinforcing the belief that he or she cannot do for himself. This also creates a dependence factor on someone else in the child's (and later adult child's) life, requiring someone to help, and ultimately, due to the child's learned manipulative tactics, ends up doing it altogether. This also strengthens the belief in the one who is assisting, that the child can't do for himself, further perpetuating the cycle. "I can't" becomes a reality, and becomes the modus operandi for him or her. This belief stays with them because it is perpetuated through several behaviors and manipulative actions. <br />
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<b>Wait...are you saying...</b><br />
No, I'm not saying that the Law of Attraction holds true all the time. I can say it does because I see where it does hold true in my life quite a bit. Financially, I could be considered a bit down on my luck, but I did make the choice to be this way. Yes, I gave up and walked away many times in my life, and the reasons were almost always the same; "I can't do it," was my motto, stemming from childhood. Maybe Freud was right in some respects, but he fails to suggest that we can change, that we are "stuck" in whatever it is that we believe.<br />
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<b>Patience...</b><br />
This is where different variables come into play, such as those role models who did not take the time to show us how to do what we needed to do, or maybe in my case, that role model didn't have enough patience to show me, getting easily frustrated. So what does a child do when they are frightened? They back away, they clam up, or retreat to their room to safety. Of course, said role model also finished the work of the frightened child, leaving nothing for the child to learn, only hard-wiring the fact that he or she can't do this "thing," adding it to the pile of failures. In that child's mind, one thing is clear...<br />
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<b>FAILURE = I'M A BAD PERSON</b><br />
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I believed this for so many years, due to a steep learning curve, strained relations with my family and friends, and the disposition I had come to live with. Positive feedback was something that was rarely a part of my life, and when it did come, it was fleeting, with almost no meaning attached whatsoever. The inner focus was on what I can't do, versus what I CAN do. I was very quick to point out the things that I couldn't do, didn't want, and didn't like. It was difficult for me to see things in a positive light. In this way, I was a product of my childhood. I hold no malice anymore toward anyone for this; perhaps it was just the way they might have been brought up, and/or decided to deal with situations within their lives. <br />
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<b>Coping </b><br />
Coping mechanisms do just that and only that -- they help us cope. Coping is not truly living, folks, and if left unchecked, could lead to an empty and very unfulfilling life. Couple that with chronic depression, or bipolar disorder, and you've got a mean cocktail! Existential thoughts start talking to you, and you begin to listen to everything they tell you, even if it means going to a different world. <br />
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<b>"You know, you can't..." </b><br />
I am told "Well, you know you don't take good care of blah blah blah." Gee thanks for the vote of confidence; how about you HELP me to LEARN, rather than berate me, and then insist on doing it for me when I have difficulty. Rather, than point out the faults, give me a hand, or explain something to me; and don't even use that excuse of no patience anymore; I have no patience for that cop-out. LET ME STRUGGLE AND FAIL! It's how I learn when something works, and something does not. When I don't learn, I just crash and burn through life, as I've been doing for as long as I remember. You know what? I'll pass on the help, and ask someone who can truly help me. Someone who will work WITH me, be PATIENT with me, no matter how many mistakes I make or if I fail to grasp a concept in a short amount of time. <br />
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<b>Look in The Mirror</b><br />
It does anger me that a parent seems to be unwilling or unable to try and find a way to control their anger, resigning to the fact that "it's hard," and just living the same way from day to day, reacting to everyone and everything. Want to know where I got my temper from? Look in the mirror and you'll figure it out! That's right; YOU. <br />
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<b>Autopilot</b><br />
For so many years I ran in autopilot mode, reacting to everything, and usually in a negative manner. The end result? "Stop complaining! If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all! No one cares what you have to say..." Negative feedback, time and time again. Shortly after, someone else would complain, and the cycle would perpetuate. Eventually, this built up rage within me and I would lash out violently from time to time, because it's the only thing I felt I could do. I saw that it scared people away from me, and being alone seemed to be the only time that I could be the closest thing to happy. Whenever things weren't going my way, I would react violently. No different than having a bout of road rage every five minutes, right? Every time I reacted before I thought about my actions, it cemented the fact in my mind that it was the only thing that I could do to: <br />
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1) Protect myself<br />
2) Make people see things my way<br />
3) Cope with life in general<br />
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<b>The Sum of The Parts</b><br />
It all adds up to a life that was mostly spent trying to be safe and stay out of danger, no matter what the cost mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually. Yes, I did very well in a few special areas, but in menial jobs entailing things that seemed to me that everyone else could do, I was clueless and lost. This reflected on my behavior and created problems such as misunderstanding what I was told to do, or being humiliated because I couldn't do said "simple" thing. When no one shows you anything as a child, you don't learn how to do said thing, right? Look, I could lament about how I missed out on so much as a child, and that I wasn't a perfect kid and all (taking responsibility for my actions,)but that's not the point here. The lack of positive role models/feedback was more than likely the catalyst for all of this. <br />
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<b>Now</b><br />
Fortunately today, things are different. I have positive role models in my life in the form of some very good friends who see that struggle within me, and rather than become impatient and shoo me away, they work with me to show me just how to do things. They won't let me get upset and storm off. I see now that is not the way to learn how to do things. Also, if I'm unable to do something immediately, it doesn't mean that I am resigned to complete and utter failure; more practice may be needed. Even then, if I give it my best and still fail, at least I tried, and that's OK. We need to fail, and learn from our mistakes, rather than be intimidated or discouraged by them. <br />
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<b>Questions</b><br />
I used to say that these few things that I'm very good at were the only things that I was able to do in life, because something was wrong with me.<br />
There is nothing wrong; I never asked questions because it seemed imposing upon the other person, so rather than ask questions and learn how to do something, I would just throw myself out there and flop like a fish out of water. Today, I'm learning that it's OK to ask questions and repeatedly ask if I don't understand something, no matter how "simple" it is. <br />
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<b>Wake Up!</b><br />
The days of sleepwalking through life and just "getting by" on all accounts are over. It's time to see life through the eyes of a child who wants to listen, learn, love, and teach. My inner child went into hiding several years after my mother passed on, wanting nothing to do with life. He's slowly emerging, learning, growing, and just being. Every day. Doing the best that he can. No more, no less. <br />
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It's good to know that he can start all over again.Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-52568949341576335042011-04-04T17:51:00.000-05:002011-04-04T17:51:13.006-05:00Remember This...If you do find that path in life that speaks to you, and you wish to share it with others in your life, remember this; there will always be those who will denounce, deny, and be skeptical of what you say, believe, and do. Don't let their words hurt you in any way; they are only trying to protect what they perceive as reality. In their eyes, your path is a threat to their reality; see this, and treat them as the injured souls they are, extending genuine compassion whenever possible, and then continue on your way.Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-63578627126899397822011-03-21T12:38:00.003-05:002011-03-21T13:13:39.612-05:00Oreos...I was grocery shopping last night, paying very close attention to the things that were on sale and sold out, and coming up on the cookie aisle, it really told me something about people in general right now:<br /><br />1. They want their desert first.<br />2. They don't have their priorities in order.<br />3. Oreos are the most popular cookie ever.<br /><br />Yes, I bought a package too, but the peanut butter cream variety; the original and double stuff were sold out, and I really didn't want the mint ones. Am I being presumptuous here? I just couldn't believe that there was NOT ONE package of the original OREO left! Is it effective marketing, or are people really that much asleep in their lives that they will buy anything the the mass media monolith tells them to? <br /><br />Upon further analysis, the thing that was sold out of most in the store was junk food, milk, and bread. For me, it set a precedent of how people have their priorities in line. They see a big TV and "gotta have it!" They see a new car and "gotta have it!" They see a big honkin' wristwatch and "gotta have it!" How about a big house with a big BBQ grill? "Gotta have it!" Having things is the answer to a happy life, according to the media. I've been harping on them for years, and I was caught up in it all, without realizing it. I wanted me desert first too.<br /><br />I grew up in a materialistic household; we always had "things." Things would keep us kids quiet and happy, at least for a little while. As we grew older, things we wanted cost more and required we give up some part of our time to acquire them; some more than others. We get said "thing" and it's all new and shiny for a while, but then as time goes on, it becomes old and the novelty has worn off. It goes on the shelf with the other "things," and so the quest begins for yet another "thing." Sometimes the cycle lasted a few weeks, sometimes a few months or years. I started to see a pattern and asked myself a very important question:<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">"IS THIS WHAT LIFE IS REALLY ALL ABOUT? THERE'S GOTTA BE MORE THAN THIS!"</span><br /><br />This so-called "American Dream," where you get yourself into debt just to have a "happy typical American family life," just all seemed such a big lie to me. Too many folks are trying to live like or outdo their friends and family, and try to be like the people they see in the media; it doesn't make them good or bad, but it does make them one thing; LOST. They don't know who they truly are, so they try to emulate what they see and hear, at the cost of selling their souls.<br /><br />Maybe they have asked that same question at some time in their lives, and they don't know how or where to look, so they resign themselves to a life of quite desperation and live the lie. They may be unhappy, but to go out into the unknown is far too scary. To leave their comfort zone is entirely too painful. I never quite achieved the American Dream, but I did find a comfort zone of my own. I did get to do the things I loved in life and follow my passion. <br /><br />Several years later, I started to feel empty, and that my life held no meaning unless I was doing the things that I loved, or bought something to ease the pain, or got involved in another abusive impossible relationship. Once again, a pattern was revealing itself and more questions surfaced:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">WHY DO I KEEP HURTING MYSELF? <br />WHY DO I HATE MY LIFE? <br />WHY DO I KEEP DOING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN? <br /></span><br /><br />Soon after, I had a heart-to-heart talk with myself, which brought on a mental meltdown. I didn't go to the hospital (although it might have been a good idea at the time) and just slowly lost grip with my perceived reality. I hurt deeper than I ever did before, and I was terrified. I felt I was lost in the dark, and that no one could help me. It was in that darkness that I discovered new teachings and began to adopt them (the ones I discussed in the previous post.) Slowly, the darkness lifted, and life began to have purpose and meaning, even on days where I felt under the weather. <br /><br />Giving up the endless mindless pursuit of material things and seeking happiness from within was one of the best decisions that I've ever made in my life; I had to please no one else, it didn't cost money, and it's a gift that keeps on giving, with every breath. Learning to meditate and take care of my body was an important step in moving forward. Thoughts of the past and of the future were clouding my mind endlessly, showing me nothing but "bad movies" the entire time. <br /><br />In this present moment, I am safe, everything is already here, and it's easy to just put a smile on my face, breathing deeply. I can smile and truly mean it, for once in my life...Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-19226086290735568932011-03-21T12:12:00.002-05:002011-03-21T12:36:21.464-05:00Back In The Saddle...Again<span style="font-weight:bold;">Renovation Complete! </span><br /><br />Now that I've cleaned out the cobwebs, let's get back to doing some blogging! As usual, my posts may be concise, or they may be long and detailed. I reached a point in my life where I thought I didn't need or want to do this anymore...then I got a Facebook account, and starting writing "notes" on it, so I thought, why not go back to my blog, make a few changes, and just refer people to it? That way, I can make it look the way that I want to, and I'll get use from it once again? That makes perfect sense.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />What's Happening? </span><br /><br />Well, I'll tell you LOTS has been happening as of late, and in the several years that have passed writing this blog. I made some necessary changes in my life, and it just gets better every day. This will give you an idea:<br /><br />A few weeks ago, I was in a funk for 5-6 days non-stop. It seemed to appear from out of nowhere, and I just couldn't quite figure out why it did. It made no sense to me; I was doing my best to be positive and see the lighter and brighter side of things, no matter what. "That's easy," I thought to myself, "From here on out, life is going to be a piece of cake." I was shown otherwise.<br /><br /> <br /><br />For the past year and some change, I've been a devout student of Inspirational, Spiritual, and Self-Help authors, because I felt that there was something wrong with my life. It just seemed that my life was empty and meaningless, stuck in the past, and I had a constant fear of the future. I truly didn't know the meaning and purpose of my life, and all I could think about was running from everyone and everything. Living life itself had become a threat in so many ways, and I only knew to fight it every step of the way.<br /><br /> <br /><br />A few friends suggested that I try going to church. I chickened out several times before deciding to finally do it. I went with an open mind and heart. Something happened to me that day that never happened to me before in my life; a feeling of immense inner peace that brought me to tears. They weren't tears of sadness, but of joy. I felt a tremendous burden being lifted from shoulders and heavy heart. I opened up to everyone, and was sociable in ways that I never thought possible. It felt so "right." Despite all of this, I didn't go back the next week, or the week after. I had excuses as to why I never returned. Yet, I couldn't forget that feeling that overtook me that Sunday morning.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Sometime shortly after, I discovered the teachings of <a href="http://www.daleblackford.com/">Dale Blackford</a>. He hosted a program on <a href="http://unity.fm/">Unity.fm</a> (the online radio station for the Unity Church) called "The Heart of Being." His message was simple; Live in the NOW. I listened intently to his words and followed his advice to the best of my ability. His thoughts and views struck me so much differently than anyone else. Sadly, due to reasons I don't agree with, Unity.fm removed his program from their lineup. I tried listening to other shows, but it wasn't the same. They didn't appear to carry the same passion and intensity that Dale's show did.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Right around the time I discovered Dale, I found someone else. I remember surfing the net, looking for a station that I used to listen to for years on AM radio and online, called <a href="http://www.achievementradio.com/">Personal Achievement Radio</a>. It seemed to be gone at the moment, and I found <a href="http://achieveradio.com/">Achieveradio.com</a> instead. I thought, "What the heck, I'll check it out." I noticed that the program lineup consisted of a lot of psychic and so-called Spiritual things, but what I heard coming out of my speakers was much different. I had found someone talking about life in ways that once again, I'd never heard before.<br /><br /> <br /><br />I had stumbled across a program called, <a href="http://guyfinley.achieveradio.com/">"Letting Go With Guy Finley."</a> I thought to myself, "This must be a special of some kind, and it's not always going to be on." I looked in the program lineup, and I was pleased to see that his program was on every week, and was replayed several times over the course of week! I went on a frenzy, gobbling up everything that I could find on this man; podcasts, writings, videos, etc. I read several of his books, <a href="http://www.guyfinley.org/">The Secret of Letting Go, The Courage to be Free, Let Go and Live in the Now</a>, among others.<br /><br /> <br /><br />At first, I listened only a few times a week, trying to keep the lessons that I had learned fresh in my mind. It wasn't enough; I started buying audio tapes and books (that came with free DVD offers.) I found him on Facebook and Twitter, always looking to see if there was a new podcast or writing available. I amassed a huge collection of podcasts and radio shows, and kept them always with me on my mp3 player, so that I could listen whenever I left my home. I felt good to be listening and learning all the while. I started to see things in a different light, and began to feel different than everyone else around me. I have long since thought that the human race as a whole is asleep in many ways, and this just fueled the fire.<br /><br /> <br /><br />I began to feel justified in my status updates and responses to people that if only they would wake up, things could change. Sometimes I could come across as arrogant, condescending, or just plain rude. Some of my friends pointed this out to me, yet I still persisted. My radio show rants morphed into sermons about what is wrong with humanity, extolling the virtues of Spirituality and that if only you could "let go," life would change for the better. I was becoming a fire-and-brimstone preacher of sorts, in my own way. At least that's what I thought it to be. I let this all go to my head, and was starting to see someone who was very much like the me who had a mental meltdown. On the outside, it appeared that I "had it together," that I had "finally seen the Light." On the inside, I started to feel troubled and confused. It was easy to say the words to someone else, but to truly implement them on a daily basis? You know how that goes!<br /><br /> <br /><br />This past Christmas, I received a wonderful book from my friends called <a href="http://www.peacefulwarrior.com/">"The Way of The Peaceful Warrior," by Dan Millman.</a> They had read it in the past and told me of a few of the principles within it. I wrote it off as yet another self-help book, until I sat down and began to read it on Christmas Eve. I didn't rush through it, but I didn't exactly take a long time either. I attest that it did in fact change my life. I felt that "light-hearted" feeling come back to me once again. The wise words of Socrates (the teacher in the book,) were once again unlike that of any I'd ever known. He helped me to realize that I was not on the road in life that I wanted to be on. The "path" that I started on was a result of this book. Even though the journey I speak of from time to time is far from complete, I still feel that I'm "home."<br /><br /> <br /><br />Shortly after, I was introduced to <a href="http://www.victorwooten.com/themusiclesson.html">"The Music Lesson" by Victor L. Wooten</a> in audio book form. Again, I had my doubts to some degree. I knew Victor was a super talented musician, but I never realized how much he was into Spirituality. The book focuses on music concepts, but once again much differently than I'd ever imagined. Each character had something to teach, sometimes really challenging my paradigms about music and life itself. It was an intense and deep time as I listened to that book. As a result, I fine-tuned my playing and listening abilities. I felt so good inside!<br /><br /> <br /><br />I had dabbled with meditation for a short time, and had been successful with using guided meditation to relax for short periods in my life, but I never was able to make the feeling stay with me for more than an hour. My therapist had given me a <a href="http://www.soundstrue.com/shop/Mindfulness-for-Beginners/1211.productdetails?gclid=CM2L0tGX4KcCFcW8KgodShQA-w">Jon Kabat-Zinn Beginning Mindfulness Meditation CD</a>, and I tried it a few times. I thought, "I'll never be able to do this on a regular basis." As time went on, I started using it more and more, until the days I meditated outnumbered the days that I didn't. One of the great things about meditation is that if you practice it frequently, it will start to take over every aspect of your daily life. I don't mean that it will put you in a dream state or turn you into a zombie, but it will help you relax, and allow you to look at your life in a different way, no matter what life demands of you.<br /><br /> <br /><br />A friend I had met recently, Greg Bandfield, sent me a tape of some of his thoughts on life, and I listened intently, finding that we do have a lot in common in our search for happiness and peace. I felt a warmness in my heart that I had written off as non-existent. Thank you, Greg for sharing this with me.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Soon, I started to believe that the reason I felt stressed out all the time was because of "things." I had always been a rebel, going against what everyone else believes, and does, so this fueled another inner fire. I started looking into <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monk">Buddhism and the possibilities of monastic life</a> (becoming a monk.) It all seemed so simple; give up everything and start a new life. If it worked for the Dalai Lama, it can work for me too. Piece of cake, right? Sure it is...<br /><br /> <br /><br />All the while, intense turmoil was beginning to build within me, questioning the very fabric of my being, existential thoughts once again coming into play, and it was scaring the hell out of me. My first reaction was to resist them, saying "No, you can't do this to me! Everything was perfect! I had it all figured out! You can't take this away from me! I've found ZEN!" I started to hold tighter and tighter, not listening to everything that I was taught in such a short time. I began to become weary and weak, losing my grip on life itself, and many of those old habits, thoughts, and feelings came rushing into my mind, the floodgates being busted open! Even though I chose not to act out those feelings consciously, they somehow seeped into my life once again. The old familiar feeling of anxiety first thing in the morning greeted me as though it had never left; I began to get angry at things and people once again, just like before. I started to indulge in old habits and buy things again. The only thing that was different was that the rage was gone.<br /><br /> <br /><br />As you may have seen in my past writings (or if you have known me personally for some time,) rage was a dominant force in my life. If I didn't like something or someone, I would get angry; very angry, for I felt that it was the only thing that I had to protect myself. I had to take apart my ego and my beliefs, and see just what made them tick (or tick me off, for that matter!) Letting go of that part of me was like turning myself inside out, and standing outside in a rainstorm naked. I realized that rage was indeed tearing me apart inside, and I didn't want to be The Incredible Hulk and David anymore. I wanted that more than anything in the world.<br /><br /> <br /><br />I've grown to realize that I will experience feelings from time to time, no matter what. Resisting them will only strengthen them, and trying to put sugar on them to make them taste good will only leave a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. Ignoring them is like turning off my personality completely. Only recently have I seen that I was resisting so much all the while when I thought I'd reached Zen. Condemning others for their choices in life, no matter how petty they may seem to me was FAR from Zen. I had just found another way to be angry at things outside of me, blaming them for how life is.<br /><br /> <br /><br />So, my "living for the moment" consisted of taking a deep breath, immersing myself in that water of life, and going underwater as fast as I can without looking at anything, making it to my "destination," and coming up for air, frustrated because I didn't like the view that was around me. I never saw those feelings and emotions, because I didn't want to; I wanted to push them away, as I thought they could do nothing for me anymore. I'll be an Olympic swimmer of sorts, taking "risks" like I never have before. Was I really doing that? No, I was pushing away natural parts of my being, mistakenly believing that they were worthless. I allowed everything I was learning to numb me, to intoxicate me.<br /><br /> <br /><br />For the record, no one has ever implied or told me that feelings or emotions are bad things to have, but it is important what we do with them. They need to be used merely as a "barometer" to check how we are dealing with our lives. They are not facts! For instance, even if I wake up with an anxious feeling inside, I can still have a great day. That feeling or emotion does not have to dominate the span of 24 hours; it can be maybe 24 seconds that you ponder something, weigh its importance, and even if it is truly something important, you have a better perspective of it because you don't see it as a threat anymore; rather just as something that is a necessity of day-to-day life.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Those thoughts of impending doom are not our friends; they are the manifestation of a constantly chattering thought-mind. You can't turn off that thing, but you can sure take everything it tells you with a grain of salt. Think of it as a TV set that is always on, and the channel is always changing, the volume is going up and down, and the picture goes from total static to absolute razor sharpness. With a lot of inner work, you can find those "hidden controls," and watch it from as far of a distance, or as close as you like. Once again, not all thoughts and feelings are bad; sometimes a great idea springs from these inner workings! Ask any inventor, artist, musician, writer, or engineer! The key as always, is to stay awake in the present moment, seeing things as they really are...just being.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Once I decided to let go yet again, the funk slowly lifted, and things became even clearer than before. Life is an amazing thing if you allow yourself to experience it, and the lessons that it wishes to teach. I still embrace the teachings of all I've discovered, but I am truly working to implement them within my daily life, more and more each day...<br /><br /> <br /><br />Just <span style="font-weight:bold;">BEING</span>.Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-53432718341826389572011-03-18T08:52:00.002-05:002011-03-18T09:02:19.020-05:00Oh yeah....I'm here!It sure has been a while hasn't it? I'm still kickin' around, and things are always improving all the time. I've taken some much needed steps in my life. Spirituality was something that was I skeptical of, and even somewhat frightened of in the past. Embracing it was the best thing that I have ever done, and so each day affords me a brighter outlook, no matter what. <br /><br />This blog was about my struggle with mental illness and the trials and tribulations of life in general. I still plan to continue discussion of this, but rather than focus on the darkness, I wish to bring along the Light as well. Life is full of light and dark energies, thoughts, feelings, etc. How we handle them is what is most important. <br /><br />So many times I've said, "Gee, I really need to write in my blog!" I do miss writing, as it is still very cathartic, and is a great way to reach out to others. Not much on my mind at the moment (it's too early for that!) <br /><br />Until next time, be well friends!Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-88887407905406827182009-10-28T00:42:00.001-05:002009-10-28T00:48:32.340-05:00Lots of dust here...Wow it's been a few years since I've written in this blog. Admittedly, I lost interest in the whole blogging thing for a while, and felt that I said all that I had to say. I ran out of steam and brilliant ideas! I'm still not brimming with ideas, but I will write once in a while anyway. I've lost the few followers that I had, and that's OK. From here on out it's new and different. You may read the archives if you like, but keep in mind they were from a different time in my life, and I am past that now. I have moved on, yet still a very passionate person. I see a pattern already...the word "but" keeps showing up in nearly every sentence. That's very weird. It's hard to write a non-compound sentence!<br /><br />More to come in the very near future. Stay tuned!Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1163791501368222722006-11-17T12:24:00.000-06:002006-11-17T13:25:01.616-06:00More Puzzle Pieces...<span style="font-weight: bold;">Back again, Folks!</span><br />I'm back again and I apologize for the long hiatus - I just couldn't find the inspiration to write, let alone be truly creative. As creative writers/musicians know, it goes in spurts. Sometimes the well just runs dry, and we need to let it fill up again. In my case, I needed to have a few more experiences in my life to give me inspiration to ruminate about. The time has come.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">More Changes...</span><br />Loyal readers will notice that I have yet again changed the subtitle of this blog. Why, you ask? I've had quite a bit of free time on my hands lately, and I started to put together some thoughts. Given the facts of my past, prior diagnoses, and the like, they all started to head into the same direction. What I experience in my life is only part of the picture as to why I have so much difficulty coping, understanding, and accepting things, events, and even people that come my way.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Questions and Answers...</span><br />Recently, I was out with a friend, and she began talking about how one of her loved ones had this "problem." I had that peculiar feeling that there was much in common between myself and this person. I began quizzing her hypothetically about it - it didn't take her long to realize that I was referring to myself. I gleaned a lot from that conversation, and the wheels started turning in my head again. I did some more research, and took a few unofficial tests online. One said that I scored a<span style="font-weight: bold;"> 40</span> which meant that it was highly likely. The average was <span style="font-weight: bold;">32</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Hmm...</span><br />I couldn't help but think that this is the "piece of the puzzle" that has been missing. I had often wondered why I have this intense urge for quests of "useless" information, collecting certain things (often many of the same one) and assorted difficulties (relationships being the BIG one.) For the longest time, I have resigned myself to the fact that "that's just me and how I am." But now it is beginning to become clearer as each day passes! There WAS a reason why I was taken to a university hospital in the late 70's and given PET scans, brain scans, lots of tests, and why I was put in several "special" reading groups even though my reading, grammar and spelling were perfect. Why else would I have a college reading level even before leaving elementary school (somewhere in 5th or 6th grade,) and have such a hard time with simple concepts (common sense) and ideas, as well as grasping humor?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Here's The Kicker...</span><br />But the BIGGEST one of all was "Oh, so that's why my dad told me that the doctor said I was mentally retarded!" It was probably <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism">autism</a> - A highly developed form of it, known as <a href="http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/">Asperger's Syndrome.</a> In summary, I didn't act right, and they didn't know what to do with me, so they put me with the other children imprisoned in the Special Education program. For them it's like being trapped in a mental hospital, and on display for all to see.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">What? <span style="font-style: italic;">My</span> Kid? No Way! </span><br />My dad was in a rage. He wanted to strangle the doctor - No one likes to be told that their child has a disability! Maybe the doctor didn't mean it that way, but didn't know how to express it. I am pretty sure of this though - when my mom passed away (I was three years old at the time,) It CHANGED me! That trauma took a lot out of me, and disguised itself as "hyperactivity," and later manifested itself in extreme bouts of rage and sadness, with the occasional "hyper feeling," which appeared as bipolar disorder. Now, I'm not saying that I do not have bipolar, but that it was only one part of the picture, the other (and hopefully final) part was Asperger's. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">What Does This All Mean?</span><br />Now, keep in mind that I haven't been officially diagnosed with Apserger's, but I'm very certain that it's there. I'm not looking to use this as a crutch or a label, but as a tool to help my better understand myself, the world around me, and to feel closure to my uncertain past. I have used the "tools" that were given to me through this disorder (analytical thinking, incredible mimicking abilities, and deep comprehension,) as survival mechanisms to get through life. I truly think that if I didn't have those, I would still be in some sort of special program today, not living on my own, and not being able to pursue my dreams. I don't feel regret - rather I feel grateful for what this has given me - I have many assets that I am able to use every day not only to help myself, but to help others as well.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Thank you , Lord.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span></span></span><br /></span>Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1160071336802300242006-10-05T13:02:00.000-05:002006-10-05T13:02:16.886-05:00<div class="audblog"><a href="http://www.audioblogger.com/media/48348/416074.mp3" class="audLink"><img src="http://www.audioblogger.com/media/images/audioblogger.gif" class="audImg"border="0" alt="this is an audio post - click to play" /></a></div>Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1142272558556155852006-03-13T11:52:00.000-06:002006-03-13T11:55:58.576-06:00Blowing The Dust Off...Hi everyone! I am checking in to let you know that I'm still alive. I may go into detail later about things going on in my life, as it hasn't been all roses. However, I'm not so dependent upon what others think or say. I was thinking of starting to audio blog again, but put the files on a server somewhere...just a thought.Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1137610204785142852006-01-18T12:46:00.000-06:002006-01-18T12:50:04.823-06:00Goodbye For NowWell, I guess that this is goodbye for now. I am now doing much better for myself, and I couldn't feel much better. I am beginning to realize that there is indeed life after the internet, and that it was indeed an addiction. I'm not turning my back on technology - I'm just going to use the computer much less than I have in the past (remove all chat programs, etc. and pretty much only for my production stuff. Thank you everyone, and I wish you much success and happiness within your lives. Take care!<br /><br /><br />DannyDannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1136790377935099102006-01-09T00:15:00.000-06:002006-01-09T01:06:17.963-06:00Cue: Norman Bates' Psycho Music...<span style="font-weight: bold;">...OH MY GOD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!</span><br />This is what I said when I opened my refrigerator door! I saw a trail of blood - er, chocolate syrup dripping down the inside of the door and onto the crisper shelves (and then onto the freshly mopped floor!) Honestly, I heard the <a href="http://www.wavsource.com/snds_2005-12-27_123795224929085/movies/misc/psycho_music.wav">music</a> and thought of Janet Leigh's character in the movie. Suddenly, I was Norman Bates - knowing that something terrible had happened, and that I'd better clean it up.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Da-Daaaa-Da-Dum...Da-Daaaa-Da-Dum....(Second part of the score)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">A Bit Of Triva...</span><br />Did you know that Alfred Hitchcock used Hershey's chocolate syrup to simulate blood in <a href="http://video.download.com/3800-11264_53-7115.html">"Psycho?"</a> How ingenious! I can see it now - he says "Well, let's use chocolate syrup. The bloody audience won't even be able to tell, since it is indeed only in black and white!" I can see why Norman (played by Anthony Perkins) had one hell of a time trying to clean that stuff up! I learned for myself first hand today just how viscous (and sticky) that stuff is in copious amounts!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Plan Of Attack...</span><br />My first line of defense was to grab some damp paper towels and wipe the floor with them. I then left them to catch any remaining drips that might make their way to the floor. Next, I removed the offending bottle and (the others) on the shelf that it all began on. I decided to soak up as much as I could on the crisper shelves, finding out that you really have to use several damp towels to clean it up. The stuff spreads like oil, and it's easy to make the mess even bigger, or get it on your shirt sleeves. There - the drawers are done on the outside. But what about the inside? I had a nasty feeling as I opened the one on the right - sure enough, there was a pool of syrup in the corner, and I had to clean that out too. Once that was complete, I turned my attention to the shelf in the door and wiped it clean. Next, I grabbed each bottle, cleaned off the bottom and sides, and proceeded to put them back in their prior locations. The final step was cleaning the floor, again through courtesy of a wet paper towel. I am sure that I'm going to go over it again with the mop and pine-sol because it does feel a bit sticky in stocking feet. Whew!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Culprit?</span><br />Simple - it was a bottle of <a href="http://www.nesquik.com/">Nesquik</a> that had a small hole in the top of the cap! How I failed to notice this when I purchased it was anyone's guess. If it wasn't for the safety seal (which I usually despise,) the store would have had a hell of a mess on their hands! I'm guessing that it fell in transit, and the little shard of plastic broke off upon impact. Now, what I'm not sure of is this - did I buy it this way, or did I drop it and cause it to break? Remember, I do have a history of accidentally breaking things (by the way, you can add a candle to the list today!) The jury is definitely out on this one.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Note to self: Next time, buy the one with the spout you can lock down and verify it through the transparent cap! </span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">As I Was Saying...</span><br />Oh, the candle? Well, that was definitely a boo-boo. I had it sitting on top of one of my stereo speakers (yeah, I know, smart.) It was sitting on a paper towel as well. I had the music up a little loud today, and was jamming while I was cleaning. I never stopped to look at the candle that was slowly vibrating itself closer and closer to the edge, until.....<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">CRRRAAASSSSSSHHH!!!</span><br />Yep, there's that old familiar sound again. It seems to re-occur time and time again within my life. I look down and see that my candle decided to commit Hari-Kari and assault one of my mic stands. The mic stand would have no part of this and decided to fight back by breaking the candle's glass jar into no less than one hundred tiny pieces! Of course I cleaned it up, watching for more shards, and admonishing myself in the process. I am so glad that I did not have that candle burning, or I would have had some serious trouble! Reason being is that within the vicinity of the incident was my guitar and amp, and my two basses, as well as my right channel stereo speaker (which is made of wood.) That stuff would have went up fast! Amazingly, I didn't cuss or scream - I just cleaned it up and went about my business...and grabbed another candle from the closet to replace the broken one. It's now sitting where the old one was. *Sigh* <a href="http://sounds.wavcentral.com/televis/renstimp/idiot-2.au">When will I ever learn?<br /></a><br />On a short note: I wonder if I can sue <a href="http://www.jeffbeck.com/">Jeff Beck</a> for making <a href="http://www.jeffbeck.com/blow_by_blow.html">music</a> so great that I was negligent of the well-being of my candle? Dare to dream, Danny! Just kidding, Jeff! <span style="font-weight: bold;">YOU ROCK!!! </span>Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1136775822630144662006-01-08T20:36:00.000-06:002006-01-08T21:07:36.820-06:00It's A SAD Situation...<span style="font-weight: bold;">A Possibility...</span><br />After reading Tabor's comment regarding my last post, I did some research to see if I have the classic winter blahs. The formal name for this is <a href="http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/27.cfm">Seasonal Affective Disorder</a>. It seems that this occurs due to the excessive production of melatonin in the brain. And to think that I actually have some melatonin pills in my cabinet! Those were left over from my travails with Geodon.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">If The Shoe Fits...</span><br />Seems the symptoms are there - excessive eating, craving of sugary and starchy foods, and oversleeping. Lately, I have been sleeping 9-10 hours a day, and still getting sleepy later on. My mood isn't terrible, but it has a tinge of apathy and self-defeatist characteristics. I promised some friends that I would come over today, but I never made it there. I was going to call them and let them know that I'll come over tomorrow or Tuesday, but I never got to the point. One of them got angry with me for doing this before, and I can't blame her for that. She had made a nice dinner for all of us, and I never even gave the courtesy of a phone call. She knows that I struggle with depression quite frequently, but thinks to a degree that "it's all in my head." She doesn't understand...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Remedies...</span><br />They range from getting outside for an hour a day, to using full spectrum light therapy. I promised my therapist that I would go for an hour walk every day. Well, I did go out for a walk on Friday, and I felt invigorated after that. I guess that I was so wiped out on Friday night, that I couldn't get up early enough to go for a walk on Saturday. The same goes for today. And so the cycle continues...or does it? It seems that I lack energy, and that it takes so much effort sometimes just to walk out that door. Sometimes it seems that I'd rather clean house than stick a foot outside!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Cocktail for One...</span><br />It's a challenge dealing with this AND having bipolar disorder at the same time. What I feel right now is not really sadness - it's more of an emptiness. I don't feel worthless, but I do feel that there is not much going on right now, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm the master of isolating myself from everyone and everything, and that just makes it worse.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Action!</span><br />I could pick up the phone and make some much-needed calls. I think that I will do that. It's almost 9 o'clock, but that's ok. To sit here and just stare at the wall (or the screen) is not going to help much. After all, why did i choose to take a shower about an hour ago? Here I sit, dressed and ready to go...nowhere. I could go to a local jam night, but I don't know if my buddies are going to be there. It's so complicated, and I'll go into it later. For now, I will look into things that I can do to ease these empty feelings. It's like taking the edge off the dullness. How paradoxical is that?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.amandashome.com/thistoo.html">"This too, shall pass."</a> </span>Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1136431510109661122006-01-04T20:46:00.000-06:002006-01-04T21:25:10.140-06:00200....and Counting...<span style="font-weight: bold;">The Time Has Finally Come...</span><br />Yep. I am at that point in my life when I am beginning to actually gain weight (and keep it!) I used to hover around 185-190 lbs. at the most, but now I've hit the proverbial two-hundred pound mark (according to my parents' scale.) I re-weighed myself two other times, and the result was the same, so the average works out to 200. Wow - I really need to control my eating!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Oink, Oink!</span><br />Since I started cooking for myself, my portions have been rather large at times. I also find myself craving alot of cheese and sweet stuff, namely chocolate candy bars. It's not uncommon for me to go through a one-pound container of port wine or sharp cheddar cheese in two days. The stuff is just so damn good! But I don't think that I'm eating just because I'm craving the taste - I think that it's something else. Maybe it's for the same reason alot of people overeat - comfort.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Alone...</span><br />Now, don't get me wrong - I love my freedom. But there are times when I don't know what to do with myself, so I go right to the refrigerator and grab something to eat. At first, it was just a bowl of salad with bleu cheese dressing, croutons, and tomatoes. Now it's sharp cheddar or port wine cheese, summer sausage, and crackers. I also tend to consume alot of chocolate as well. For example - I went grocery shopping yesterday, and I bought a bag of Snickers candy bars (fun size.) I find myself getting into them nearly every time I go into the kitchen. I would say that 3/4 of the bag is gone now. I never thought that it would come to this - that I'd have to curb my eating.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Exercise...</span><br />When it was nice outside in the summer and fall, I used to walk around town, lap around the square a few times, and head home. Now that it's rather cold outside, I don't have the urge to go out and brave the elements for 30-60 minutes every day - perhaps I ought to. It might do me some good. It's hard to believe that at one time in my life I was athletic. You wouldn't know by looking at me.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Food = ? </span><br />It seems that the food is replacing something that is missing in my life. I don't think that it's a relationship or sex. I believe that is replacing my courage to get out there and do things when I'm not playing gigs. That has always been a big deal for me. I'm not a socialite, and I am not one for small talk. I find that alot of my ideals go against the grain, or that my jokes are not funny unless you know the inside references. As a result, I just stay in my apartment day and night for days on end, only leaving if absolutely necessary. It's similar to being depressed, but I don't feel down.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I Feel.....Bleh.</span><br />The word that I use to describe it is "bleh." Maybe I feel a tad depressed, but not overcome by it. I have been on the telephone alot today - mostly to confirm gigs, practices, etc. If I really feel awful, I usually try to reach out to someone in my support network. I haven't been suicidal in months, and I'm really proud of that. I guess that the novelty of being on my own has worn off, and being alone is just normal now. I guess this is where the food comes in - if I feel bad, I'll eat; then, I'll feel better. At least I am aware of it, and I want to do something about it. I would try the ABWheel, but every time I use the thing, it feels like I'm ripping myself apart. Pushups? I'm lucky if I can do one. The same goes for sit ups. Maybe I need to see my buddy in the city - he's a personal trainer, and he may have some ideas and or suggestions. I hope that he doesn't suggest putting eggs in the blender and drinking them! I'd have to say "no, thanks!"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">In Other News...</span><br />Amidst all of this, I have been able to keep the house clean, do my dishes, and pay my bills, so it's not all for naught. I am going to get some sort of weekly/daily planner tool, and just plan out my days. I need some sort of structure to build upon. I find that when I'm busy, I'm usually much happier. I don't have time to think and dwell on things. I will never forget to give myself some free time, but I won't neglect things that need to be done either.<br /><br />I guess that I'll just sit here until 10 p.m., and then go to bed. 40 minutes to go...Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1136263613684100682006-01-02T22:04:00.000-06:002006-01-02T22:46:53.716-06:00Time To Hit The Reset Button...Beeeeep!<span style="font-weight: bold;">A New Year - A New Frame of Mind</span><br />Happy New Year everyone! I hope that you had as great as a celebration as I did. It was fun playing our usual gig, but being on the bowling lanes themselves! It took a bit to get used to, but it wasn't impossible. All in all, it was alot of fun - now it's time to get back into the groove again....again....again....again...(sound of needle scratching a record.) I have to hit the "reset" button.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wha? </span><br />New Year's always messes me up. Sometimes I sleep for 22-24 hours straight afterwards. Why I do this I have no idea. All I know is when I wake up, I feel pretty "zoned." It's like being refreshed and raring to go. Sometimes it takes a while to get out of that state. Thankfully, this year I didn't do that. I didn't come home on New Year's Day until midday. I cooked myself some dinner, and that's about all I really remember. I wasn't depressed - I just decided to keep to myself. I just needed some "alone" time.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Changes...Changes...</span><br />I've decided to deal with life differently. This mostly concerns dealing with other people (family, friends, etc.) I will do the best that I can, and if that's not enough, too bad! I will also NOT demean myself and beg for someone's forgiveness, nor will I pander to them. I'm tired of empty promises time and again (people promise things, but never deliver.) I guess to hell with them now. It's obvious that I'm not that important to them, so let's get on with our lives, shall we?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Life Goes On!</span><br />I send emails to people (really heartfelt stuff) and they don't bother to reply. That used to piss me off, but now I don't care. I guess we find out who are friends are (sooner or later.) My life is way too important to stop everything and wait for them. You live in your little world, and I'll live in mine - it's that simple. Succinctly put, I'm not playing the fool anymore - period. I feel better already!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Busy, Busy, Busy...</span><br />Seems I'm super busy with the music biz lately. I'm asked quite frequently to sit in or join yet another band. I think that the grand total now is four - including the one my buddy (who I already jam with) wants to put together. It's looking like a five to six night thing for me - I'm not complaining at all! It feels good to be sought after and "in demand." Apparently, this is my true calling in life - to be a musician/entertainer.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Stress and Priorities...</span><br />Sometimes it can be stressful, but at least I enjoy what I'm doing, and that makes a HUGE difference. I am trying to pace myself though, and not get overwhelmed. I do find it hard to say no, especially when so many offers are so tantalizing - top players, lots of talent, and opportunities! I will just have to be forthright and politely refuse when the need arises. And so begins the journey up the ladder...rung by rung...one step at a time.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Confidence or Conceit?</span><br />This is one area that I'm learning to discern the difference. I am actually at the point where I feel good enough that I am indeed worthy of what I have. However, I don't get cocky, or to the point where I feel that I'm the greatest. But...I do get to a point where if someone THINKS that they are better than me, I feel the need to "school" them. I guess it's my way of getting back at them. If they provoke me, I'll gladly oblige. Style, form, and versatility don't come from reading tablature in the latest issue of Guitar One, kids - remember that. Also, just because you own 14 basses and 10 amps doesn't make you great either - PRACTICE makes you great.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Jam...Jam...Jam...</span><br />Get out and jam with as many peope as you can. Of course, it's scary at first, but do it for a while. You'll be surprised at what happens, and how many friends you will make along the way! I was petrified the first time I played a jam night, but you know what? It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. My network has expanded tenfold, and I sit in with just about anyone who walks in the door and vice versa. I don't think that I'm the greatest thing since powdered milk, but I know that I don't suck either. This is a great place to be - this is about as "happy medium" as I can get right now. I can also accept the fact that not every jam is going to be perfect, and everyone communicates differently. This can create problems along the way, but true performers iron them out as they go.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Perfection, or "You Just Suck" - A Rant...</span><br />The standards that some people hold themselves (and others) to are just outright ridiculous! I mean, just because I didn't catch on to the tune right away doesn't mean that I suck! Did it ever occur to you that maybe I haven't HEARD the song to begin with? Chew on that, you acoustic guitar-toting, smug hippies! Don't bark out the chord changes to me, either - why not try shouting out a song title? If you want to do it in a different key, that's fine too, but don't be giving me harsh looks if it isn't turning out like you want it to. Remember, YOU were the one who decided to make things that much more difficult by changing the key of the song in the first place! I'm through feeling sorry for myself and not feeling good enough - it's YOUR turn!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Points To Remember...</span><br />I'm willing to be versatile and flexible, but don't bust my balls if it isn't perfect right away. Also remember that everyone has a different learning curve - perhaps yours is just a bit faster than mine. So be it - but don't you dare chastise me for not being on your level. I might just be having a bad day, and on a good day I just might "school" your ass. Be careful who you underestimate.<br /><br /><br />OK - it feels good to get that out - Whew! Maybe I should print that on the back of my business cards, eh? I probably won't get many calls then! Better to save it for the gigs and the musicians I play with. I think that I'm being reasonable and fair. I do take an interest in what you think, so if you have a comment, please fire away. Thanks!Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1135807519360272082005-12-28T16:04:00.000-06:002005-12-28T16:31:53.410-06:00Warning: DON'T USE ZONEALARM!<span style="font-weight: bold;">GRRRRR!</span><br />I've just spent the better part of an afternoon re-installing windows on my pc, thanks to this program. I had to disable it at first when I got my DSL connection. So, I figured why even have it installed if I don't use it? That's when the trouble started...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Let's Try Something Else...</span><br />"No problem," I say to myself, "let's just try something else." I found another firewall to try called Kerios. It seemed to be a good program, so I gave it a shot. I installed it, rebooted as I was instructed to do, and once again, I had problems! This program gave me several GUI errors - not only that, it wouldn't allow me to get online, to access the task manager, or anything! I felt that I had made a grave mistake. This is when I called my ISP...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">What A Mess!</span><br />I tried everything that I could think of, aside from cleaning out the registry. I called my ISP for assistance, and they couldn't figure it out either. I was told that the registry needed to be fixed. I took this upon myself, as I have done this in the past without any hassle. I rebooted my machine, and it STILL wouldn't let me on the net! Hmm...maybe I can restore from a previous point - nope that didn't work either. Let's repair the installation. Maybe it will restore some corrupt registry entries, etc. Nope - no such luck. I called a friend and he decided that a clean install would be best. Reluctantly, I followed his advice, re-installing XP. The good news is that I'm back online - the bad news is, I lost ALL of my bookmarks! I forgot to back them up in Firefox. Ironic, because I usually back them up.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Loss...I Hate It!</span><br />All those bookmarks...gone. It was so convenient. Now I can't remember what half the stuff was. I'll be mulling over this all day long, and it won't be easy to accept. I guess that I have no choice in the matter, as I can't go back and change it. It still doesn't make it any easier. Half of me wants to cry, and the other half wants to scream out in rage. <span style="font-weight: bold;">WHY? WHY WHYYYYY!<br /><br />Could Be Worse...<br /></span>Yeah, I guess that it could be worse - my pc could have had a total system crash, and I'd be left with nothing. I just have to re-install programs at best. The bookmarks being lost is what really got to me. I had several great things bookmarked, especially my favorite blogs. Oh well, guess I'll just have to find them again. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">What Now? </span><br />Well, I think that I'm just going to sit here and sulk for a while, just like a little kid. Eventually I will get over the loss, and life will go on. But for now, I sit here, mourning the loss of my precious bookmarks as if they were sacred documents. Yesterday will live on...Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1135737146038627632005-12-27T20:25:00.000-06:002005-12-27T20:32:26.056-06:00Backing Out...I decided to back out of a gig tonight, due to problems the first time we played together. Also, to be honest, I feel that I need more "tools" to work with - more "chops." It's true that I'm still learning all the time, but I compare myself to others constantly. I don't need to be the best in the world, but I do want to be able to hold my own. I know that not every night is going to be stellar, but it's still not easy.<br /><br /><br />Perhaps I'm being too harsh...sighDannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1135727133291850842005-12-27T17:27:00.000-06:002005-12-27T17:45:33.313-06:00Broken Glasses, Bloody Noses, etc...<span style="font-weight: bold;">CRASH!!!! </span><br />Oh no! Not again! I cringe when I hear that sound! Yep, I broke another drinking glass by simply knocking it over! The first one was in the sink; the second one on the counter; and the third was on the computer desk. The fortunate part is that they were all empty. Instead of four glasses to use, I am now down to just one. I guess that I'll have to make that trek to K-Mart after all. It really frustrates me just how clumsy I can be. I guess that if I wasn't in such a hurry I wouldn't be breaking things accidentally. I notice that when I start cleaning, I start to rush through it all, and this is when delicate things get broken. What is really disappointing is that those glasses were a housewarming gift from my sister, so there is sentimental value attached to them. And only one remains...sigh<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">It's Blood!</span><br />Last night, I made myself a simple dinner of hamburgers, buffalo fries, and some cottage cheese with applesauce on the side. I have a penchant for spicy food, so naturally I "kicked it up a notch" (sorry, Emeril!) I added some<a href="http://www.spiceitup.com/"> jalapeno ketchup</a> and some mild pepper rings to the burgers. This gave them a nice little zing - not too hot, but warm enough to leave a little tingling in your mouth. As usual, I love that endorphin rush feeling that you get from hot and spicy foods. There is no feeling quite like it! Sometimes my nose runs a little bit - as a result of the sinus cavities clearing out. I felt that familiar feeling again, and wiped my nose quickly. I was shocked when I looked down:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">OH MY GOD! I'M BLEEDING!</span><br /><br />I didn't panic, but I did notice quite a bit of blood was on my napkin. I did the usual cold compress and held my head back for about 10 minutes. After that, I felt fine. I began to wonder - is it because of the spicy food that my nose bled, or is this just coincidence? And before you ask, no I don't do cocaine! Some folks think that I do because of my over-the-top antics and stage presence, but I assure you I don't touch the stuff.<br /><br />Anyway...<br />I'm about to make dinner, and maybe start on cleaning house. I didn't do it this weekend because of the holiday. It's not filthy, but my routine is disrupted for the time being, and that does bother me a bit. I'm notorious for falling off the wagon and not getting back on. Maybe this time I can avoid that. I think that I'll stay home tonight rather than go out. Perhaps.Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1135480499942342632005-12-24T19:52:00.000-06:002005-12-24T21:15:00.016-06:00The Christmas Wrap...Up...<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Wikki-Wikki! Word to your muffler...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">It goes-a-one-two-three...</span><br /></span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Just Kidding! </span><br />Yes, I could readily point out that I was using the word <span style="font-style: italic;">wrap</span> in an improper context, but that would be just a little too self-effacing for me. I am in a jovial mood tonight though. As usual, I put off the Christmas shopping until the last minute, but was able to pull off the miracle, and spend under $200!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">My Trademark: Last-Minute Shopping!</span><br />Guilty as charged, your Honor! The problem is, I just cannot seem to conjure up even a spark of what someone might want or need until that crucial moment. Maybe I thrive under the pressure - I still haven't figured that out. I got up nice and early - anticipating the idiots...er um...people on the road, but what was about to unfold really hit a hot button with me.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Don't Block The Intersection, Asshole!</span><br />I have a huge pet peeve - when there is a line of cars, and I see one or more of them blocking the intersection. This impedes my progress (and anyone else's.) All it means is that someone is just too damned lazy to walk a little distance to get into the local Wal-Mart. They act as if the very back rows on the other side of the entrance are no man's land. I mean, got forbid that they actually have to WALK! Hell, why don't they just run parking lot shuttles like amusement parks, ya know? Not only that, it makes it nearly impossible to exit the parking lot, as there is gridlock from all sides. It reminds me of some kind of Branch Davidian compound - you can't get in, but if you do, you're never going to get out.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">A Clarification...</span><br />Now, I'm not referring to folks who absolutely need those closer spaces (i.e. elderly or handicapped folks.) I'm talking about able-bodied people, maybe around my age, that just park they freakishly large SUV (Humvees come to mind) in the front row, just because they can. I guess it strokes their ego a little bit - to have the upper hand, and throw it in the less fortunate person's face. "Don't you wish that you could have this? I'm better than you, and you know it." Oh please - It's great to have nice things, but don't act like your a god or an untouchable. Anyways, enough on that mini-rant.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Urban Assault...</span><br />For many years, I have held this mindset when dealing with throngs of idiots....excuse me...people (damn it, did it AGAIN!) I picture myself as a commando, loaded to the hilt with unlimited firepower on my person, as well as on my vehicle. I know that it's childish, but it does help me to be firm and assertive. However, the images sometimes become vivid, and for just a moment, I'm really in the battlefield. I throw grenades, run my adversary off the road, and just basically part the crowd like the Red Sea. No, it's not a bloodbath - everyone just sees that I mean business, and gets the hell out of my way. It's not meant to be ominous, just let me have my way.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I Want It Now, Daddy! Now!</span><br />Yes, I know that the world does not revolve around me. I've been told this countless times within my life, and this view that I have is rather selfish. But, I know that I'm not the only one who gets like that. I think that at least more than a few times within our lives, we all take turns playing the Veruca Salt character from <span style="font-style: italic;">Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Next Time I'll...</span><br />Sure, I'll say that now - but odds are that "mood" will come up again. My therapist says that I'm addicted to anger. It's not so much that I like it, it's just that it's second-nature for me to get frustrated beyond belief sometimes. In contrast, the anger is not nearly as much as it used to be. This is more of an intense irritation - like being crabby, but turning the volume up to about 8. My heart is basically saying, "Why is this happening to ME? How could they do this to ME?" This is a classic case of personalizing it, taking it as a threat, and getting defensive to protect myself. This is why in a confrontation with someone, I would (and still) refuse to back down and be submissive. I'll walk away, but not with my tail between my legs - that ain't gonna happen, kids. I played that role for too long when I was a kid.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Yo!</span><br />A note to all potential thugs - put a gun in my face, you'd damn well better use it. For if you don't, I'll be glad to shove it somewhere else..I guess that I'm the type of guy that might hand you his wallet, but the second you turn your back or drop your guard, I'm going to kick the living shit out of you, take back my wallet, and probably take something of yours for the pain and suffering...OK....OK....OK....here I go thinking about something that is, beyond the shadow of a doubt is not going to happen. I just wanted you to get an idea of my beliefs and values. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Yap-Yap-Yap...</span><br />As usual, I go off ad-nauseum into just how I defend myself from these "threats." This is not neccessary, I just get so caught up in the moment. I need to take this facet of my personality and focus it on productive things and projects - namely my music and my writing. Friends describe my intensity of discussing things as deep and intense. I don't claim anything - I'm just a very passionate person, that's all there is to it. I've even given a few close friends "permission" to warn me when I'm headed for that "danger zone."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Welcome To Hollywood...</span><br />That fantasy-land is alot like Hollywood - anything is possible, and can happen. Of course, we know that flights of fancy don't always translate well into reality. This is probably due to the fact that we overlook several variables, and or consequences that may occur following our actions or words. However, to visualize something does help us to accomplish it. I think that it has more to do with bolstering our self-confidence more than anything. To prep ourselves for something is the ultimate safeguard. But to see it through rose-colored glasses is just asking for a disappointment - a real heartbreak.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Idealism Defined...</span><br />We all have that "perfect world" within our minds, where everything is perfect (like a certain drugstore chain's TV spots.) Nothing is wrong, all is just hunky-dory." We know that is just a pipe dream, and is simply not possible. Our paths cross and intersect throughout our lives, and this always has an impact on us. It's like everyone is the center of their own universe, but no one elses. We have all these universes that come together, sometimes they oppose one another, and clash violently.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Preconceived Notions...</span><br />The danger is that factor called a "preconceived notion." This is what gets us into trouble. We visualize things to be a certain way and when they prove otherwise, this creates a disappointment for us. Sometimes this provokes anger, which is usually the case with me. That anger is really me just being ultra-crabby, as I stated earlier. Generally, my mind says something like, "Oh, so you want to ruin my perfect little world? Well, I'm not going to let you, no matter the cost. I mean, who the fuck are you to rain on MY parade? Step off dude, or you're going to get hurt."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Umm....Okay....</span><br />You get the idea. I think that this is becoming a circular reference post. I keep going back to that anger/protection mechanism, even when no threat is eminent. This is something that I'm definitely working on in my life. I am truly at more ease than I've ever been in my life, but there are certain situations that will take more time and discipline. Namely situations involving many people, long lines, belligerent drunks, and authority figures who overstep their boundaries. I guess the place that I'm most comfortable is either at home or on the stage.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Progress...</span><br />Even though I have a few stumbling blocks, I feel that I have been making tremendous progress within my life in the past decade. I need to look at ways that I can avoid those traps of familiarity and comfort. It's time to look for solutions rather than focus on the problem. To give up is tantamount to being a loser. It took me a long time to realize how self-pity damages you. I would simply think to myself, "Well, this is it - I'm a loser and there is nothing that I can do about it." How wrong I was to find out several years later. I've been blessed with these wonderful gifts, and it's time to use them to their full potential. The potential that so many others see within me - family, friends, colleagues, therapists, etc.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dad...</span><br />My dad has always been a positive force throughout my life regarding my talents and abilities. I know that it used to eat him up when I would come home high or drunk. I was capable of doing so much more, yet I chose not to. I only wish that I could have said, "You know, Dad. The reason that I'm doing these things is that I am truly unhappy right now. I'm having a very tough time at school, and I feel that no one cares or loves me (except for you.) I really need your help. I don't want to be this way, but it's the way I am coping with my life right now. I don't know what else to do."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Help...And Love...</span><br />Eventually I did let him (as well as my aunt and uncle) know . It happened on a Christmas day around 1990 or so. I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore. I broke down to tears and confessed everything, even the suicidal feelings. This really set off a red flag with my entire famliy, and they were all very worried about me. It was then that I realized that there are many people who care about me, and what happens to me. This was a beginning to the way out of the smoke-filled haze that was my teenage life. It took nearly 15 years to get to this point, but it has been an interesting journey to say the least. I can't say that I don't regret anything, but I did learn some valuable lessons down the road. Sometimes we have to get a taste of experience in order to learn our lesson. The pain (or pleasure) that we feel is our best teacher. The trick is to take the lesson from it, and discard any accompanying negative emotions as soon as possible.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">That's All Folks!</span><br />Well, that's all for now. I feel as if i'm just running in circles faster and faster. I know that what I write is nothing new - it's just my take on how I observe life, people and issues within it. I bear malice toward none - it's just a protective mechanism that is stuck and needs to be repaired. Enough said, and with that, I wish you all:<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!</span><br /></span>Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1135205873161322662005-12-21T16:57:00.000-06:002005-12-21T17:14:31.476-06:00Insert Photo Here..It seems that my profile image has vanished from its former location, so I'll have to scare up a new one for those of you that want to see what I look like. My best comparisons - I've been told that I have the facial features of Quentin Tarrantino, and from a distance that I look like <a href="http://www.tonylevin.com/">Tony Levin</a> - bassist extraordinaire for <a href="http://www.petergabriel.com/">Peter Gabriel</a> and others. Coincidence? I don't think so! Later!<br /><br />BTW - The photo I've substituted is from my <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/fourstringfury/">Flickr page</a>. It's my inadvertent attempt to imitate the late blues great <a href="http://diggintheblues.ch/Bilder/howlinwolf.jpg">Howlin' Wolf</a>. I just noticed that recently. See ya!Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1135202849953380822005-12-21T16:07:00.000-06:002005-12-21T16:54:04.390-06:00The Post Office and Other Things...<span style="font-weight: bold;">Happens Every Time...</span><br />Well, today I have a rant that I must purge from my system! This involves my local post office. You know, it could be ANY time of the day and without fail, there's always a line at the post office! Now, I know that is to be expected during the holiday season, but this happens all year-round. People are jamming up the street just so they can shove a letter or card down the unscrupulous throat of those wonderful US Mail boxes. Not only that, the parking lot is FULL! Admittedly, this does start a little spark of frustration within me.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Going In...</span><br />I know what to expect going in - a line of no less than 3 to 5 people. There's always one moron who is trying to send packages to the whole freakin' world! Today it was a lady with what appeared to be no less than one-hundred fifty Christmas cards! I couldn't hold back and I mumbled, "gee lady, what are you doing, sending Christmas cards to everyone on the planet?" She didn't respond, and no one else did either - not even a glare. I usually get a nod of agreement, or a stare of disapproval from the other customers. Anyway, the line went faster than I expected, and I was glad to be out of there. To avoid further frustration, I made sure to purchase a book of stamps so that I don't have to go there for a while. I also wouldn't want to short the post office of that precious 2 cent increase in January. Never enough...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Improvements...</span><br />For starters, they could actually use all 3 windows so that they could take care of customers faster. My only guess is that they are understaffed and are only able to attend to 2 windows at one time. This in and of itself would alleviate alot of the frustration involved.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">For Faster Service...</span><br />This idea is borrowed from grocery stores and license bureaus - how about an Express Lane - for those, like me, that only have one or two items to send. All others should stay in the regular line. Honestly, if you're going to ship something big, do yourself (and anyone else) a favor and use UPS, FedEx, or DHL. They are more experienced in the matter of larger items. However, even the "big guys" have their occasional snafu.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Trials and Tribulations with DHL...</span><br />I am currently dealing with DHL right now - they were supposed to deliver a package to me on the 19th, but it hasn't shown up yet. The sad thing is, it's not even a big and bulky package - it's just a wristwatch! I called customer service and they said that they would call me back within the hour to let me know the status of my package. The nearest DHL facility is only about 30 miles away! I mean, how long does it take to get around to where I live? They have how many vans and trucks? I don't know about you, but I see them all over the place! Naturally, I've been tracking my package since the day of its shipment, and for the past two days I've been informed that it is basically "en route." It supposedly left the facility at 6:34 AM today. The time is now 4:19 PM, and still nothing! So much for prompt service, eh? Maybe I should discount the fact that it is indeed Christmas time and there are lots of packages (mostly fruitcakes, cheese and wine baskets) that are being shipped. Gee, I hope that everyone elses' stuff gets to them on time - I don't wish this on anyone!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">A Lesson Learned...</span><br />I can tell you this - I'll never - repeat, NEVER use DHL for anything ever again. Unfortunately, I had no choice in the matter, as that was all the merchant offered. As a result of this inconvenience, I have postponed several activities and put off several things that needed to be done, just so that I can accept my package! I mean, I have a week-and-a-half's worth of laundry that needs to be done. This involves driving to my sister's house and spending a good portion of the day there. Sometimes I just spend the night and sleep on the couch. Knowing my luck, I'd be gone, and sure enough, that damn delivery van would pull up, and I'd get that dreaded "We missed you," notice on my back door. I'd have to wait until the next day to get the package. At least they offer you the option that you don't need a signature to get it.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Precious Time...</span><br />I'd sure hate for them to leave my precious watch outside in the cold all day though. It's a rather expensive one, and I'm sure it's rather sensitive to freezing temperatures. If it was broken, it wouldn't be cheap to fix it, as I don't wear those cheesy digital pieces of crap. Call me old fashioned, but I do prefer the more traditional style ones, especially with windup or automatic movements. As I said before, I'm a watch geek, and I collect lots of them. I'm the sort of guy who prefers Roman numerals over Arabic, or hour markers instead of numbers. I consider myself a person who has the taste of Cartier, Rolex, and the like - however I'm on more of a Seiko or Timex budget. I'm a black tie guy trapped in a poor man's body! I could go on and on about this, but it would take alot of time. Anyway, enough about that...<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Newsflash!</span><br />I just received the call from DHL that it will arrive at my doorstep tonight. I was very pleased to hear this, and I eagerly await its arrival! Now, I can get on with my life, catch up with my laundry, and run the errands that I need to run. Ironically, one involves getting a watch serviced. For now I'll just sit here and listen to my neighbor across the hall wail away on his guitar, blasting Ozzy Ozbourne. The kid's got potential to be the next Zakk Wylde - now if only I could convince him that he should join a band (and that there is other stuff to play and listen to!)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">We Now Resume Normal Programming...</span><br />It's night time! Time to plug in the Christmas tree, light a few candles, and make something delicious for dinner. Dare I make my first attempt at spaghetti with garlic bread? My heartburn says otherwise... Oh well, I'll probably just throw a pizza in the oven, and be done with it. Wait - doesn't pizza give you hearburn too? :)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 51, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">Happy Holidays!</span></span>Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1135060129630446912005-12-20T00:13:00.000-06:002005-12-20T00:28:49.656-06:00Dropping In...<span style="font-weight: bold;">Quickly...</span><br />Well, it seems that my DSL connection has straightened out, and is working very nicely. I guess that the first ten days are pretty tumultuous, and you are supposed to leave your modem on continuously for that time, so they get an idea of your usage (or something like that.) It's just great to listen to my favorite streams - especially the ones that lull me to sleep!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">In Other News...</span><br />Seems that I'm becoming a hot commodity (slowly but surely) in the local music scene. Almost any gig that I play, someone approaches me to join their band, or just to get together and jam. Of course it's hard to say no, so ultimately I end up doing it. It's nice to feel important, and to be needed. I keep imagining myself on the cover of Bass Player Magazine in a thoughtful but slightly aggressive pose with my signature fretless bass in my hands. Okay, moving on then...<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moods...</span><br />Moods have been more stable than they have been in quite some time. I find that now I am able to spread out and do what I want to do, things are much better. If I want to build something, I build it! If I want to change something, I change it! Creativity is coming back to me, and I've even taken the time to record some basic "ditties" that I can use to make songs. My PC is nto liking it too much (crappy soundcard?) but that's ok.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">And?</span><br />The point is, I'm creating again, and in the privacy of my own home! That means if I get the urge to play a riff at 3am, I can do that. I just can't be too loud, but that's ok. I got lucky, as all my neighbors are young and in their 20's. Hell, the guy across the way plays guitar too! I mean, how cool is that?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">So...</span><br />I'm cutting this short, but I'll be back soon. Not sure if I'll be doing daily entries, but I will be a posting a little more frequently. Sometimes I feel that I have to be in a creative mood to post - in actuality, I don't. I pretty much type how I talk in person, aside from the occasional stutter when i'm anxious. With that, I'm outtie - back soon!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Good Evening! </span>Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1134291484410679102005-12-11T02:51:00.000-06:002005-12-11T02:58:04.430-06:00Severing The Ties...Well, it's official. I am sick and tired of my lackluster internet connection. I thought that by upgrading to DSL, I would be doing the best thing. Apparently such is not the case. Sometimes my DSL line goes down twice in one hour - simply unacceptable. I get too frustrated with it. I keep thinking to myself, " do I really want to put up with this any longer?" I am very tempted to cancel it and not have internet at all. The role that it once served me in life is really no longer needed, so maybe it's time to move on. I know that I've brought this up more than a few times, but I just can't help but wonder if it really is all just a waste of time. True, I've chatted and emailed some wonderful people, but the majority of my time is spent looking at useless crap that no one cares about. If it's one thing that I've learned living here on earth, it's that people don't like it when you know more than them, or that you can do something better. They try to belittle you and make you feel like a freak, that you should be punished for your gifts. Anyway... gotta go. Not sure if I'll be back soon, if it all. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up with a different frame of mind.Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1134055275528279302005-12-08T08:32:00.000-06:002005-12-08T09:21:15.786-06:00Catching Up...Part Deux...<span style="font-weight: bold;">Cleaning Out...</span><br />Last night, I took on a huge project - to confront all the stuff that I had stored at my parents' house in the garage from 10-15 years ago. It consisted of many plastic totes, and some old toys. One of the totes was so heavy that my stepbrother had to help me load it in my truck! I got it all home, and began unpacking. What I was about to experience was very therapeutic - cathartic even!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why Do I Hold On To This Stuff?</span><br />I couldn't believe the things that I found - old bank transaction slips, sales receipts, junk, junk, and more junk! I found the stuff from failed auto detailing business - it had all given up the ghost, since it sat for nearly a decade unused. That was the first stuff to go - into the trash! As I continued digging, I continually shook my head, asking, "why the hell did I keep THIS?" Of course, I knew the answer, but I knew that it really served no purpose now. Maybe it did at one time, but now it's time to get rid of it, once and for all. I was very relieved to let it all go - believe me!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">But Wait...There's More! </span><br />I found several old cassette tapes that I haven't seen in years - some for good reason! I mean, how the hell did I end up with a Paula Abdul or Bobby Brown cassette? Must have been an ex's. Speaking of an ex, I found a reciept for a watch that I bought her from Wal-Mart. Now that I think about it, she really wasn't worth the $79.97 that I paid for it (a Seiko!) I guess love makes us do foolish things sometimes. I have to wonder...does she still have it? Probably not.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Toys...Toys...and More Toys!</span><br />Then comes the toys - Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars galore! I also found my beloved Micro Machines (they are really small,) which I couldn't bear to part with! I figure this much - I will hold on to the toys for future generations of my family (e.g. my adorable twin nieces!) I picked through them all, and chose a few to keep out for display - the really special ones. Now my Tonka Honda ATC (three wheeler) is on top of my monitor - the rider looking ready to kick some butt (as he always has.) One of my faves - a 6x6x6 (six wheeled) jeep is now perched above my sink, under the fluorescent light. Most people would probably put plants there, but for me, it's a mini-musueum of my favorite cars of the past. It's also the resting place for my little radio-controlled cars as well.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">OK...Now On To The Mushy Stuff, et al...</span><br />After sifting and sorting through miscellaneous debris, I found a bunch of old photos and cards. These started to bring back pleasant memories, and some not so pleasant. I actually started to relive some events from that time period. I remember how unpleasant high school was for me, and how much crap I used to take from people. I remember the feeble attempts at relationships, and falling in love with a girl who was my best friend at the time, only to be turned away (it was for the better though.) I also found letters I'd written but never sent. Some of the most heartfelt and sincere words were "spoken" in them. As far as I could tell, I really started to struggle with bipolar disorder just before I got out of high school - I would say roughly 1990. Anyway, the memories started to come back, and I had to get control of myself. It was then that I realized that I DO have control. I can throw away these painful triggers and start over. I managed to get rid of enough paper to fill up a decent-sized garbage bag! What relief! I did hold on to the photos, however - they will be going into a photo album of sorts. Heck, I might even just make a scrapbook!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Letters From Family...</span><br />In the summer of 1992, I enrolled in the Job Corps and was stationed at Fort Atterbury in Edinburgh, Indiana. OK, it wasn't the military, but it was pretty damn close! Anyway, during the short time that I was there (more about why I left later,) I received several letters from close friends, relatives (including my sister and father.) I took the time to read through each one, and began to see the genuine love, care, and concern that they had for me. I started to feel guilty for the way I treated them in my adolescent and post-adolescent years. Then I realized that's all over now - it's in the past. I'm a changed person - a mature adult - a MAN.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sis...</span><br />My sister had gone off to Sweden as a foreign exchange student, and had written me several times, urging me to write back to her. I think that I did maybe once or twice. I can only wonder how much she missed being home, yet having alot of fun. Of course, the guilt set in, and I nearly began to cry. Then I stopped, realizing that she is indeed back in my life, and we are closer than we've ever been. I know that she'd be touched deeply if she knew that I still had those letters. Even though I was a young punk, I knew deep down that those letters were special, and that's why I held onto them. Those will not be thrown away either - she said some very encouraging and uplifting things. This was a side of her that I had never seen until then. I am so deeply moved, and almost ready to cry as I write this. Sis, if you're reading this, I want to say something that I've never said to you before - I LOVE YOU!!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Photos...</span><br />I found photos of me just before I graduated high school. One that really touched me, was a picture of my uncle and I sitting on the couch at Christmas time. I was wearing a salmon striped shirt, jeans with rolled up legs, and long hair - down to the middle of my back. Looking at that photo, I didn't see a loser - I saw a kid who was scared, unhappy, and confused. He had recently confessed all his drug and alcohol abuse, but that wasn't enough. I had to keep playing the cool "stoner" kid part until I got out of high school. God forbid that anyone saw the "real me!"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">And More...</span><br />In contast, I also found photos of me when I was around 11 or 12 years old, unkept hair, and that trademark snarling smile - something that I haven't lost over the years. This is due to teeth that were never corrected with braces - something many kids couldn't escape. I didn't want them, so I never got them. The photos depicted a kid who was much happier - of course, these were mostly vacation photos! The memories poured forth - however, it became easier to deal with them as I went along. It was then I realized that I had come a long way over that ten to fifteen years - something that my therapist continually reminds me of. I truly feel it now. Thanks, Doc!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Conclusion...</span><br />So, what have we learned today? Well, for one, getting rid of unneccesary and unused things in our lives gives us (and our parents) more space. More importantly, we also know that it can be a very cleansing and cathartic (yes, there's that word again) process. To be able to acknowledge, confront, and release these issues that are in the past is highly reccommended to anyone. So, if you have a bunch of old "junk" just laying around in your attic or whatever, take the time to go through it. You may be surprised at what lurks within! Enjoy!Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10869745.post-1133560475395999052005-12-02T15:23:00.000-06:002005-12-02T15:54:35.420-06:00The Art of Catching Up...<span style="font-weight: bold;">It Sure Has Been A While...</span><br />Yes, I realize that it has indeed been a while since I've posted - I assure you that I'm doing quite well. I've never felt so free in my life! So far, this "experiment" is working out even better than I imagined. I've taken a liking to things that I never thought I would, such as cooking and even cleaning! I take great pride in my housekeeping and culinary conquests. I was able to successfully follow the directions to make some alfredo noodles, and they turned out rather nicely. I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Cleaning and Organization...</span><br />I am also able to keep this place extremely tidy. For once in my life, I am organized! I am still streamlining things, but I'm off to a great start. My filing cabinet is in better order than it was previously. I used to just throw everything in there, not labelling the hanging folders - now they are all labeled and easy to see. They aren't alphabetized yet, but that's ok. I may not even go that far. Just to know that everything is in the proper folder is enough for me. This alone is "good enough."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">What Remains...</span><br />I still have the huge project of sorting through my media collection - LP's, CD's and CD-R's, cassettes, and open reel tapes. I think that the last count of LPs was in the neighborhood of 1,500 or so. Of course, I have 45 singles as well - at least a few hundred of those. My dad prefers to call them an "obsolete medium." I just can't bring myself to replace them with CD's. The truth of the matter is, there is alot of stuff that is out of print and you can't get it on CD. I guess I could rip them all on the PC, but that would take tremendous amounts of time, and use lots of styli on the turntable. I guess what I will eventually end up doing is going through them, writing down each one, and taking note of its availability. If it's commonly available, I'll just give in and get the CD. Sigh...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">A Dilemma...</span><br />Now this is going to be a bit technical, but I will do my best not to blindside you with terminology and long-winded explanations. Another reason that I hold onto these old recordings is that when I hear the CD remaster, many times I don't like it. They don't use the same engineer in the process more often than not. Of course, each engineer hears things differently, and some may actually try to "sweeten" the recording. Sometimes this results in an undesirable product, and you regret ever buying the damn thing. Another factor is that these recordings were made on tape that is starting to wear out, or even worse, starting to decompose. True that there are safety copies, but each generation of a copy adds noise, and something gets lost along the way.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">King Crimson, et al...</span><br /> A vivid memory of this for me is when I first heard the first remaster of "In The Court of The Crimson King," by King Crimson. I noticed right away that something was lacking. The Mellotron (early sampling-type of keyboard) was rather buried in the mix, whereas on the original recording, it is very prominent. Not only that, I noticed an inordinate amount of background noise. To illustrate the point further, my buddy took out his LP copy of the same album (pressed around 1969,) and played the same song. Yes, you guessed - the orignal sounded better. Funny thing - Robert Fripp, the guitarist for the band, noticed this early on as well. He has stated many times his extreme dissatisfaction of the remaster recording, and took the liberty of releasing one that as close to the original as you could get. With a name like Fripp, it has to be good (sorry, Smuckers!) Enough said.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Anyway...</span><br />As you may tell in my writing demeanor, I am doing quite well for myself. I still have my lazy days (don't we all?) but I'm not sitting around depressed. I'm usually catching up on lost sleep, or just plum tuckered out. Once I am able, I will go to the doctor and get a physical. I am pretty certain that I will be told that I am hypoglycemic. This could have alot to do with my subsequent sleepiness after mealtimes. More on this later.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">For Now...</span><br />I guess I'd better jump in the shower, head to the bank to pay some bills, and maybe do a little shopping as well. Things like hot dog tongs would come in handy - so would a knife set, or a mixer. Then again, some area rugs would be nice also. Updates will be more frequent - I promise!Dannyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03212200103069215755noreply@blogger.com0