Get Me Off This Thing!

Aftermath...

2011-06-03T15:45:00.002-05:00

The battle that has been the first 30-something years of my life is no longer. I sit here in the thick of it all... things strewn everywhere; electronic and musical gear piled to the ceiling; dishes piling up in the sink; unpaid bills, and more. I look at it all with mixed feelings, some compassion, and some disgust. Why did I do what I did? Because it's how I knew to survive, no matter what the cost in any aspect. Avoid and Isolate - that's what I did best. The world outside was too much to deal with for extended periods of time.

I now enjoy being in the company of others, and this place is dangerous for me. The memories, the triggers, the "episodes" are all very much alive within the walls of my physical domain. Of course, I don't blame the very building itself or the things contained within it, but what's connected to those things is what is painful...what meaning I've attached to them. Is it time to move again, and this time live with others in some kind of commune?

I know very well that even if I did move somewhere else, those feelings, thoughts, and unanswered problems would follow me wherever I went. Putting a band-aid on the situation only helps for a short time; eventually the truth reveals itself, and I feel as if I had never left. The "mess" would propagate itself somewhere else, and possibly be worse, until I decide to address it, accept the lesson, and learn from it.

The mess I am dealing with is mostly on mental, physical, financial, as well as spiritual levels. I tried running away from everyone and everything that distressed me, made me feel uncomfortable, or didn't like. That was my answer for a very long time....just run away. It was one coping skill that I mastered. In the wake of it all, I left quite a mess behind for others to "clean up," or try to fix. I was very irresponsible and impulsive. I didn't want to learn anything, and I rebelled against anyone or anything that tried to teach me. I just wanted to be "left alone." But did I? Maybe for the short term...

but not forever...

Something happens to living creatures when they are alone for a long period of time; they begin to accommodate themselves for a life where there is no chance of letting anyone in. Certain behaviors are instituted, impulses are acted upon almost immediately, and they become hard-wired. They isolate and cut themselves off from the rest of the world, living in an ivory tower of sorts; a safe haven where no one and nothing can harm them.

For a while, this seems like not too bad of a life, especially if you have suffered what seems endless torment, depression, anxiety, and fear. Everything seems to be not so bad at all! There's a momentary feeling of freedom, allowing you to feel it's OK to be yourself. You make it "yours," and you do everything you were told you couldn't do as a child. "I can do what I want now! I don't need ANYONE! I can't trust people; they'll only hurt me! Everything is just fine like this!" Everything is "perfect," and you truly believe you don't need anyone. You give into your impulses, and accept them as fact, no matter the consequences.

Sometime later, a different feeling awakens in you; you start feeling "bored," and your mind starts to wander. The distractions of the trappings of this perfect life are no longer enough to satisfy you. Thoughts like "Why are we here? What is my purpose in life? Why was I even born? Was I a mistake?" start to do their work on you. If you have a history of depression, the questions weigh upon you 100 times more than most. That "emptiness" starts to pervade you, and you start to look for ways to ignore it, or distract yourself from it.

Soon, you're caught up in a lot of activities, doing your best to suppress those "voices," but you realize that you aren't very comfortable in social situations, and you struggle to keep your head above the water as best as you can. You make friends, you do some fun things, but you still find yourself acting the way you did through childhood when things and people don't do what you expect them to. You find yourself reliving those old feelings, and....you run back to the safety of your "tower." Safe at last!

Yes, you're safe from that potential threat, but now what? How long are you going to stay here? Long enough for the "voices" to return and start their interrogation progress yet again, this time a bit more intense. You sit there, detached, depressed and isolated, desperately hoping to find the answers to these questions someday. You know that distracting yourself doesn't work any longer. Still, you try it again and again, only to fail each and every time. You buy things that you think will make you happy, or maybe buy things you always wanted but couldn't as a child. "Now what? Maybe if I get this thing, I'll be happier..." The lesson takes some reading between the lines to find. It says, "No matter how much you own, it will never make up for the pain in your heart." Slowly, this lesson is learned, and you see it to be true.

You find yourself getting outside more and more as the years go by, but like a child, you compulsively return home, as though it's what you're supposed to do. You know now that you're not as happy with your life as you once were...now it's become more of a prison than a paradise. You allow yourself to remain there on days when you have no plans with anyone else. "It's what I always do," you say to yourself as the days pass.

You still feel uncomfortable being with others, yet you desire the companionship. The advantages outweigh the disadvantages, and you see this for yourself. Still, you return home by default, not knowing what else to do. The behavior became a pattern, and the pattern became a habit. Habits can become addictions. Isolation becomes a way of life that you no longer enjoy, yet you lock yourself away because it's so deeply ingrained within you. Oh yeah, and while you were enjoying it, lots of not so great things happened because you chose to ignore everything outside of your world.

friends stop talking to you

family loses touch with you

debts pile up

obligations aren't met

promises are broken

chores aren't done

bridges are burned

opportunities are missed

money is wasted

people pass away and you never know

...that and several other things. You also ignore what's going on with you physically. You tend to...

have a poor diet

sleep too much

sit too much

watch too much tv

spend too much time online

forget about personal hygiene

let medical problems worsen

indulge in damaging habits and impulses

develop addictions

lack structure and/or a plan for the day

push people out of your life

...just to name a few.

A good friend sees that you are struggling so hard within your life, and just asks one day "What do you want out of life?" You ponder that question for a long time. At first, it doesn't take hold completely, yet it is still in the back of your mind. As time passes, it slowly makes its way to center stage of your thoughts. One day, it's all you can think about. You ask the question, and another part of you awakens, reminding you that you were a selfish child, you cared not for the consideration of others, and you fought life every step of the way. And so, a tug-of-war starts and the very fabric of your being is challenged, tested, and at times, feeling ripped nearly apart. In response, you do what you've always done; retreat back to safe and familiar surroundings, severing ties as needed, and you go into "hibernation" yet again.

You feel those familiar "trapped" feelings yet again, but this time you choose not to allow them to overtake you. Instead, you start to look somewhere that you've truly never have before in your life; WITHIN. You sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with yourself, as painful as it may be, and you say that you can't live like this anymore, and suicide is no longer an option. You feel the pain and just let it out, no matter how much it hurts. You decide to seek guidance from several sources, as well as listening to your heart. You delve head-first into spirituality, not looking for salvation, but for answers, advice, and some basic groundwork. Slowly, answers start to surface and they make sense. Sometimes they hurt because they appear to be attacking what we believe; nonetheless, you stay focused on them.

Down the road, you begin to share your findings and discoveries with some friends, and they understand the meaning of what you are going through. They share some of their own knowledge and recommend books to read and to share with others. You experience feelings that have not previously been a part of your life; the desire to contribute, to love, to share, and to grow. It's then you realize what that "hunger" was that bothered you for so long...to reach out and connect! Every day, the urge grows stronger, and you do the best you can to maintain and make new friendships, healing broken ones, and letting go of abusive ones. You remain true to yourself and to others, to the best of your ability.

...and then you come home again, and you look at the "aftermath" of this "war." You look around and you see someone who was desperately trying to figure out his life in so many ways, leaving many unfinished projects, failed attempts, commitments unanswered, debts unpaid, invitations unanswered, friendships faltering, and obligations not met. He's not a bad person, just very a very confused and scared one. His life was that of a battlefield, every step perilous. The world was out to get him it seemed, so he bunked in for the long term, not realizing what would happen later. He was only trying to protect himself, nothing more. The war is over now, and so the clean-up and rebuilding begins...one piece at a time.

The consequences of my actions may yield some difficulties down the road, but I will work with them to the best of my ability. I may never own a home, buy a new car, or get out of debt. I made a mess and it has to be cleaned up. My actions had an impact upon others, and I will do my best to help them, even if it means giving up what I thought was so important within my life. I stand here now, looking at things from a different point-of-view, seeing more clearly than I ever have. These "things" don't mean as much to me now, and as time goes on, they will slowly disappear from my life...one by one. Maybe someone else can enjoy them for a while, and pass them on. That's my hope anyway.

Awakening from the sleep and getting out of the war was the best thing that I could ever do for myself. No material thing or other person could have given that to me....it had to come from somewhere deep inside. It took getting through a long war to finally see that.

Let the healing begin.

Ignorance

2011-05-22T17:18:00.000-05:00

What do we know?
How do we know?
Most importantly, WHY do we know?

The role models of our lives taught us what we know. Role models, such as parents, relatives, teachers, authority figures, etc. have passed on bits of knowledge and wisdom to us. At least that's what happens in an ideal world. We impart the lessons given to us, and take the knowledge for what it's worth. Many times, the value of that "knowledge" and the "lessons" learned are not helpful to us at all. Despite this, we accept it as fact, and go through our lives, limited by this belief that is instilled within us. We accept it as fact, and believe it as if it were true.

Cycle of Doubt
We've all had people in our lives, supposedly meaning well, telling us that they think we shouldn't do this, or that we're not capable of it; maybe it was one or both of our parents, seeing the difficulty we were having with something, and so, in an effort to "help" the child, they end up doing the very thing that the child needs to see and do for himself, no matter what the outcome. They cushion the bumps for the child, in essence reinforcing the belief that he or she cannot do for himself. This also creates a dependence factor on someone else in the child's (and later adult child's) life, requiring someone to help, and ultimately, due to the child's learned manipulative tactics, ends up doing it altogether. This also strengthens the belief in the one who is assisting, that the child can't do for himself, further perpetuating the cycle. "I can't" becomes a reality, and becomes the modus operandi for him or her. This belief stays with them because it is perpetuated through several behaviors and manipulative actions.

Wait...are you saying...
No, I'm not saying that the Law of Attraction holds true all the time. I can say it does because I see where it does hold true in my life quite a bit. Financially, I could be considered a bit down on my luck, but I did make the choice to be this way. Yes, I gave up and walked away many times in my life, and the reasons were almost always the same; "I can't do it," was my motto, stemming from childhood. Maybe Freud was right in some respects, but he fails to suggest that we can change, that we are "stuck" in whatever it is that we believe.

Patience...
This is where different variables come into play, such as those role models who did not take the time to show us how to do what we needed to do, or maybe in my case, that role model didn't have enough patience to show me, getting easily frustrated. So what does a child do when they are frightened? They back away, they clam up, or retreat to their room to safety. Of course, said role model also finished the work of the frightened child, leaving nothing for the child to learn, only hard-wiring the fact that he or she can't do this "thing," adding it to the pile of failures. In that child's mind, one thing is clear...

FAILURE = I'M A BAD PERSON

I believed this for so many years, due to a steep learning curve, strained relations with my family and friends, and the disposition I had come to live with. Positive feedback was something that was rarely a part of my life, and when it did come, it was fleeting, with almost no meaning attached whatsoever. The inner focus was on what I can't do, versus what I CAN do. I was very quick to point out the things that I couldn't do, didn't want, and didn't like. It was difficult for me to see things in a positive light. In this way, I was a product of my childhood. I hold no malice anymore toward anyone for this; perhaps it was just the way they might have been brought up, and/or decided to deal with situations within their lives.

Coping
Coping mechanisms do just that and only that -- they help us cope. Coping is not truly living, folks, and if left unchecked, could lead to an empty and very unfulfilling life. Couple that with chronic depression, or bipolar disorder, and you've got a mean cocktail! Existential thoughts start talking to you, and you begin to listen to everything they tell you, even if it means going to a different world.

"You know, you can't..."
I am told "Well, you know you don't take good care of blah blah blah." Gee thanks for the vote of confidence; how about you HELP me to LEARN, rather than berate me, and then insist on doing it for me when I have difficulty. Rather, than point out the faults, give me a hand, or explain something to me; and don't even use that excuse of no patience anymore; I have no patience for that cop-out. LET ME STRUGGLE AND FAIL! It's how I learn when something works, and something does not. When I don't learn, I just crash and burn through life, as I've been doing for as long as I remember. You know what? I'll pass on the help, and ask someone who can truly help me. Someone who will work WITH me, be PATIENT with me, no matter how many mistakes I make or if I fail to grasp a concept in a short amount of time.

Look in The Mirror
It does anger me that a parent seems to be unwilling or unable to try and find a way to control their anger, resigning to the fact that "it's hard," and just living the same way from day to day, reacting to everyone and everything. Want to know where I got my temper from? Look in the mirror and you'll figure it out! That's right; YOU.

Autopilot
For so many years I ran in autopilot mode, reacting to everything, and usually in a negative manner. The end result? "Stop complaining! If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all! No one cares what you have to say..." Negative feedback, time and time again. Shortly after, someone else would complain, and the cycle would perpetuate. Eventually, this built up rage within me and I would lash out violently from time to time, because it's the only thing I felt I could do. I saw that it scared people away from me, and being alone seemed to be the only time that I could be the closest thing to happy. Whenever things weren't going my way, I would react violently. No different than having a bout of road rage every five minutes, right? Every time I reacted before I thought about my actions, it cemented the fact in my mind that it was the only thing that I could do to:

1) Protect myself
2) Make people see things my way
3) Cope with life in general

The Sum of The Parts
It all adds up to a life that was mostly spent trying to be safe and stay out of danger, no matter what the cost mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually. Yes, I did very well in a few special areas, but in menial jobs entailing things that seemed to me that everyone else could do, I was clueless and lost. This reflected on my behavior and created problems such as misunderstanding what I was told to do, or being humiliated because I couldn't do said "simple" thing. When no one shows you anything as a child, you don't learn how to do said thing, right? Look, I could lament about how I missed out on so much as a child, and that I wasn't a perfect kid and all (taking responsibility for my actions,)but that's not the point here. The lack of positive role models/feedback was more than likely the catalyst for all of this.

Now
Fortunately today, things are different. I have positive role models in my life in the form of some very good friends who see that struggle within me, and rather than become impatient and shoo me away, they work with me to show me just how to do things. They won't let me get upset and storm off. I see now that is not the way to learn how to do things. Also, if I'm unable to do something immediately, it doesn't mean that I am resigned to complete and utter failure; more practice may be needed. Even then, if I give it my best and still fail, at least I tried, and that's OK. We need to fail, and learn from our mistakes, rather than be intimidated or discouraged by them.

Questions
I used to say that these few things that I'm very good at were the only things that I was able to do in life, because something was wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong; I never asked questions because it seemed imposing upon the other person, so rather than ask questions and learn how to do something, I would just throw myself out there and flop like a fish out of water. Today, I'm learning that it's OK to ask questions and repeatedly ask if I don't understand something, no matter how "simple" it is.

Wake Up!
The days of sleepwalking through life and just "getting by" on all accounts are over. It's time to see life through the eyes of a child who wants to listen, learn, love, and teach. My inner child went into hiding several years after my mother passed on, wanting nothing to do with life. He's slowly emerging, learning, growing, and just being. Every day. Doing the best that he can. No more, no less.

It's good to know that he can start all over again.

Remember This...

2011-04-04T17:51:00.000-05:00

If you do find that path in life that speaks to you, and you wish to share it with others in your life, remember this; there will always be those who will denounce, deny, and be skeptical of what you say, believe, and do. Don't let their words hurt you in any way; they are only trying to protect what they perceive as reality. In their eyes, your path is a threat to their reality; see this, and treat them as the injured souls they are, extending genuine compassion whenever possible, and then continue on your way.

Oreos...

2011-03-21T12:38:00.003-05:00

I was grocery shopping last night, paying very close attention to the things that were on sale and sold out, and coming up on the cookie aisle, it really told me something about people in general right now:

1. They want their desert first.
2. They don't have their priorities in order.
3. Oreos are the most popular cookie ever.

Yes, I bought a package too, but the peanut butter cream variety; the original and double stuff were sold out, and I really didn't want the mint ones. Am I being presumptuous here? I just couldn't believe that there was NOT ONE package of the original OREO left! Is it effective marketing, or are people really that much asleep in their lives that they will buy anything the the mass media monolith tells them to?

Upon further analysis, the thing that was sold out of most in the store was junk food, milk, and bread. For me, it set a precedent of how people have their priorities in line. They see a big TV and "gotta have it!" They see a new car and "gotta have it!" They see a big honkin' wristwatch and "gotta have it!" How about a big house with a big BBQ grill? "Gotta have it!" Having things is the answer to a happy life, according to the media. I've been harping on them for years, and I was caught up in it all, without realizing it. I wanted me desert first too.

I grew up in a materialistic household; we always had "things." Things would keep us kids quiet and happy, at least for a little while. As we grew older, things we wanted cost more and required we give up some part of our time to acquire them; some more than others. We get said "thing" and it's all new and shiny for a while, but then as time goes on, it becomes old and the novelty has worn off. It goes on the shelf with the other "things," and so the quest begins for yet another "thing." Sometimes the cycle lasted a few weeks, sometimes a few months or years. I started to see a pattern and asked myself a very important question:

"IS THIS WHAT LIFE IS REALLY ALL ABOUT? THERE'S GOTTA BE MORE THAN THIS!"

This so-called "American Dream," where you get yourself into debt just to have a "happy typical American family life," just all seemed such a big lie to me. Too many folks are trying to live like or outdo their friends and family, and try to be like the people they see in the media; it doesn't make them good or bad, but it does make them one thing; LOST. They don't know who they truly are, so they try to emulate what they see and hear, at the cost of selling their souls.

Maybe they have asked that same question at some time in their lives, and they don't know how or where to look, so they resign themselves to a life of quite desperation and live the lie. They may be unhappy, but to go out into the unknown is far too scary. To leave their comfort zone is entirely too painful. I never quite achieved the American Dream, but I did find a comfort zone of my own. I did get to do the things I loved in life and follow my passion.

Several years later, I started to feel empty, and that my life held no meaning unless I was doing the things that I loved, or bought something to ease the pain, or got involved in another abusive impossible relationship. Once again, a pattern was revealing itself and more questions surfaced:

WHY DO I KEEP HURTING MYSELF?
WHY DO I HATE MY LIFE?
WHY DO I KEEP DOING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN?

Soon after, I had a heart-to-heart talk with myself, which brought on a mental meltdown. I didn't go to the hospital (although it might have been a good idea at the time) and just slowly lost grip with my perceived reality. I hurt deeper than I ever did before, and I was terrified. I felt I was lost in the dark, and that no one could help me. It was in that darkness that I discovered new teachings and began to adopt them (the ones I discussed in the previous post.) Slowly, the darkness lifted, and life began to have purpose and meaning, even on days where I felt under the weather.

Giving up the endless mindless pursuit of material things and seeking happiness from within was one of the best decisions that I've ever made in my life; I had to please no one else, it didn't cost money, and it's a gift that keeps on giving, with every breath. Learning to meditate and take care of my body was an important step in moving forward. Thoughts of the past and of the future were clouding my mind endlessly, showing me nothing but "bad movies" the entire time.

In this present moment, I am safe, everything is already here, and it's easy to just put a smile on my face, breathing deeply. I can smile and truly mean it, for once in my life...

Back In The Saddle...Again

2011-03-21T12:12:00.002-05:00

Renovation Complete!

Now that I've cleaned out the cobwebs, let's get back to doing some blogging! As usual, my posts may be concise, or they may be long and detailed. I reached a point in my life where I thought I didn't need or want to do this anymore...then I got a Facebook account, and starting writing "notes" on it, so I thought, why not go back to my blog, make a few changes, and just refer people to it? That way, I can make it look the way that I want to, and I'll get use from it once again? That makes perfect sense.

What's Happening?

Well, I'll tell you LOTS has been happening as of late, and in the several years that have passed writing this blog. I made some necessary changes in my life, and it just gets better every day. This will give you an idea:

A few weeks ago, I was in a funk for 5-6 days non-stop. It seemed to appear from out of nowhere, and I just couldn't quite figure out why it did. It made no sense to me; I was doing my best to be positive and see the lighter and brighter side of things, no matter what. "That's easy," I thought to myself, "From here on out, life is going to be a piece of cake." I was shown otherwise.

For the past year and some change, I've been a devout student of Inspirational, Spiritual, and Self-Help authors, because I felt that there was something wrong with my life. It just seemed that my life was empty and meaningless, stuck in the past, and I had a constant fear of the future. I truly didn't know the meaning and purpose of my life, and all I could think about was running from everyone and everything. Living life itself had become a threat in so many ways, and I only knew to fight it every step of the way.

A few friends suggested that I try going to church. I chickened out several times before deciding to finally do it. I went with an open mind and heart. Something happened to me that day that never happened to me before in my life; a feeling of immense inner peace that brought me to tears. They weren't tears of sadness, but of joy. I felt a tremendous burden being lifted from shoulders and heavy heart. I opened up to everyone, and was sociable in ways that I never thought possible. It felt so "right." Despite all of this, I didn't go back the next week, or the week after. I had excuses as to why I never returned. Yet, I couldn't forget that feeling that overtook me that Sunday morning.

Sometime shortly after, I discovered the teachings of Dale Blackford. He hosted a program on Unity.fm (the online radio station for the Unity Church) called "The Heart of Being." His message was simple; Live in the NOW. I listened intently to his words and followed his advice to the best of my ability. His thoughts and views struck me so much differently than anyone else. Sadly, due to reasons I don't agree with, Unity.fm removed his program from their lineup. I tried listening to other shows, but it wasn't the same. They didn't appear to carry the same passion and intensity that Dale's show did.

Right around the time I discovered Dale, I found someone else. I remember surfing the net, looking for a station that I used to listen to for years on AM radio and online, called Personal Achievement Radio. It seemed to be gone at the moment, and I found Achieveradio.com instead. I thought, "What the heck, I'll check it out." I noticed that the program lineup consisted of a lot of psychic and so-called Spiritual things, but what I heard coming out of my speakers was much different. I had found someone talking about life in ways that once again, I'd never heard before.

I had stumbled across a program called, "Letting Go With Guy Finley." I thought to myself, "This must be a special of some kind, and it's not always going to be on." I looked in the program lineup, and I was pleased to see that his program was on every week, and was replayed several times over the course of week! I went on a frenzy, gobbling up everything that I could find on this man; podcasts, writings, videos, etc. I read several of his books, The Secret of Letting Go, The Courage to be Free, Let Go and Live in the Now, among others.

At first, I listened only a few times a week, trying to keep the lessons that I had learned fresh in my mind. It wasn't enough; I started buying audio tapes and books (that came with free DVD offers.) I found him on Facebook and Twitter, always looking to see if there was a new podcast or writing available. I amassed a huge collection of podcasts and radio shows, and kept them always with me on my mp3 player, so that I could listen whenever I left my home. I felt good to be listening and learning all the while. I started to see things in a different light, and began to feel different than everyone else around me. I have long since thought that the human race as a whole is asleep in many ways, and this just fueled the fire.

I began to feel justified in my status updates and responses to people that if only they would wake up, things could change. Sometimes I could come across as arrogant, condescending, or just plain rude. Some of my friends pointed this out to me, yet I still persisted. My radio show rants morphed into sermons about what is wrong with humanity, extolling the virtues of Spirituality and that if only you could "let go," life would change for the better. I was becoming a fire-and-brimstone preacher of sorts, in my own way. At least that's what I thought it to be. I let this all go to my head, and was starting to see someone who was very much like the me who had a mental meltdown. On the outside, it appeared that I "had it together," that I had "finally seen the Light." On the inside, I started to feel troubled and confused. It was easy to say the words to someone else, but to truly implement them on a daily basis? You know how that goes!

This past Christmas, I received a wonderful book from my friends called "The Way of The Peaceful Warrior," by Dan Millman. They had read it in the past and told me of a few of the principles within it. I wrote it off as yet another self-help book, until I sat down and began to read it on Christmas Eve. I didn't rush through it, but I didn't exactly take a long time either. I attest that it did in fact change my life. I felt that "light-hearted" feeling come back to me once again. The wise words of Socrates (the teacher in the book,) were once again unlike that of any I'd ever known. He helped me to realize that I was not on the road in life that I wanted to be on. The "path" that I started on was a result of this book. Even though the journey I speak of from time to time is far from complete, I still feel that I'm "home."

Shortly after, I was introduced to "The Music Lesson" by Victor L. Wooten in audio book form. Again, I had my doubts to some degree. I knew Victor was a super talented musician, but I never realized how much he was into Spirituality. The book focuses on music concepts, but once again much differently than I'd ever imagined. Each character had something to teach, sometimes really challenging my paradigms about music and life itself. It was an intense and deep time as I listened to that book. As a result, I fine-tuned my playing and listening abilities. I felt so good inside!

I had dabbled with meditation for a short time, and had been successful with using guided meditation to relax for short periods in my life, but I never was able to make the feeling stay with me for more than an hour. My therapist had given me a Jon Kabat-Zinn Beginning Mindfulness Meditation CD, and I tried it a few times. I thought, "I'll never be able to do this on a regular basis." As time went on, I started using it more and more, until the days I meditated outnumbered the days that I didn't. One of the great things about meditation is that if you practice it frequently, it will start to take over every aspect of your daily life. I don't mean that it will put you in a dream state or turn you into a zombie, but it will help you relax, and allow you to look at your life in a different way, no matter what life demands of you.

A friend I had met recently, Greg Bandfield, sent me a tape of some of his thoughts on life, and I listened intently, finding that we do have a lot in common in our search for happiness and peace. I felt a warmness in my heart that I had written off as non-existent. Thank you, Greg for sharing this with me.

Soon, I started to believe that the reason I felt stressed out all the time was because of "things." I had always been a rebel, going against what everyone else believes, and does, so this fueled another inner fire. I started looking into Buddhism and the possibilities of monastic life (becoming a monk.) It all seemed so simple; give up everything and start a new life. If it worked for the Dalai Lama, it can work for me too. Piece of cake, right? Sure it is...

All the while, intense turmoil was beginning to build within me, questioning the very fabric of my being, existential thoughts once again coming into play, and it was scaring the hell out of me. My first reaction was to resist them, saying "No, you can't do this to me! Everything was perfect! I had it all figured out! You can't take this away from me! I've found ZEN!" I started to hold tighter and tighter, not listening to everything that I was taught in such a short time. I began to become weary and weak, losing my grip on life itself, and many of those old habits, thoughts, and feelings came rushing into my mind, the floodgates being busted open! Even though I chose not to act out those feelings consciously, they somehow seeped into my life once again. The old familiar feeling of anxiety first thing in the morning greeted me as though it had never left; I began to get angry at things and people once again, just like before. I started to indulge in old habits and buy things again. The only thing that was different was that the rage was gone.

As you may have seen in my past writings (or if you have known me personally for some time,) rage was a dominant force in my life. If I didn't like something or someone, I would get angry; very angry, for I felt that it was the only thing that I had to protect myself. I had to take apart my ego and my beliefs, and see just what made them tick (or tick me off, for that matter!) Letting go of that part of me was like turning myself inside out, and standing outside in a rainstorm naked. I realized that rage was indeed tearing me apart inside, and I didn't want to be The Incredible Hulk and David anymore. I wanted that more than anything in the world.

I've grown to realize that I will experience feelings from time to time, no matter what. Resisting them will only strengthen them, and trying to put sugar on them to make them taste good will only leave a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. Ignoring them is like turning off my personality completely. Only recently have I seen that I was resisting so much all the while when I thought I'd reached Zen. Condemning others for their choices in life, no matter how petty they may seem to me was FAR from Zen. I had just found another way to be angry at things outside of me, blaming them for how life is.

So, my "living for the moment" consisted of taking a deep breath, immersing myself in that water of life, and going underwater as fast as I can without looking at anything, making it to my "destination," and coming up for air, frustrated because I didn't like the view that was around me. I never saw those feelings and emotions, because I didn't want to; I wanted to push them away, as I thought they could do nothing for me anymore. I'll be an Olympic swimmer of sorts, taking "risks" like I never have before. Was I really doing that? No, I was pushing away natural parts of my being, mistakenly believing that they were worthless. I allowed everything I was learning to numb me, to intoxicate me.

For the record, no one has ever implied or told me that feelings or emotions are bad things to have, but it is important what we do with them. They need to be used merely as a "barometer" to check how we are dealing with our lives. They are not facts! For instance, even if I wake up with an anxious feeling inside, I can still have a great day. That feeling or emotion does not have to dominate the span of 24 hours; it can be maybe 24 seconds that you ponder something, weigh its importance, and even if it is truly something important, you have a better perspective of it because you don't see it as a threat anymore; rather just as something that is a necessity of day-to-day life.

Those thoughts of impending doom are not our friends; they are the manifestation of a constantly chattering thought-mind. You can't turn off that thing, but you can sure take everything it tells you with a grain of salt. Think of it as a TV set that is always on, and the channel is always changing, the volume is going up and down, and the picture goes from total static to absolute razor sharpness. With a lot of inner work, you can find those "hidden controls," and watch it from as far of a distance, or as close as you like. Once again, not all thoughts and feelings are bad; sometimes a great idea springs from these inner workings! Ask any inventor, artist, musician, writer, or engineer! The key as always, is to stay awake in the present moment, seeing things as they really are...just being.

Once I decided to let go yet again, the funk slowly lifted, and things became even clearer than before. Life is an amazing thing if you allow yourself to experience it, and the lessons that it wishes to teach. I still embrace the teachings of all I've discovered, but I am truly working to implement them within my daily life, more and more each day...

Just BEING.

Oh yeah....I'm here!

2011-03-18T08:52:00.002-05:00

It sure has been a while hasn't it? I'm still kickin' around, and things are always improving all the time. I've taken some much needed steps in my life. Spirituality was something that was I skeptical of, and even somewhat frightened of in the past. Embracing it was the best thing that I have ever done, and so each day affords me a brighter outlook, no matter what.

This blog was about my struggle with mental illness and the trials and tribulations of life in general. I still plan to continue discussion of this, but rather than focus on the darkness, I wish to bring along the Light as well. Life is full of light and dark energies, thoughts, feelings, etc. How we handle them is what is most important.

So many times I've said, "Gee, I really need to write in my blog!" I do miss writing, as it is still very cathartic, and is a great way to reach out to others. Not much on my mind at the moment (it's too early for that!)

Until next time, be well friends!

Lots of dust here...

2009-10-28T00:42:00.001-05:00

Wow it's been a few years since I've written in this blog. Admittedly, I lost interest in the whole blogging thing for a while, and felt that I said all that I had to say. I ran out of steam and brilliant ideas! I'm still not brimming with ideas, but I will write once in a while anyway. I've lost the few followers that I had, and that's OK. From here on out it's new and different. You may read the archives if you like, but keep in mind they were from a different time in my life, and I am past that now. I have moved on, yet still a very passionate person. I see a pattern already...the word "but" keeps showing up in nearly every sentence. That's very weird. It's hard to write a non-compound sentence!

More to come in the very near future. Stay tuned!

More Puzzle Pieces...

2006-11-17T12:24:00.000-06:00

Back again, Folks!
I'm back again and I apologize for the long hiatus - I just couldn't find the inspiration to write, let alone be truly creative. As creative writers/musicians know, it goes in spurts. Sometimes the well just runs dry, and we need to let it fill up again. In my case, I needed to have a few more experiences in my life to give me inspiration to ruminate about. The time has come.

More Changes...
Loyal readers will notice that I have yet again changed the subtitle of this blog. Why, you ask? I've had quite a bit of free time on my hands lately, and I started to put together some thoughts. Given the facts of my past, prior diagnoses, and the like, they all started to head into the same direction. What I experience in my life is only part of the picture as to why I have so much difficulty coping, understanding, and accepting things, events, and even people that come my way.

Questions and Answers...
Recently, I was out with a friend, and she began talking about how one of her loved ones had this "problem." I had that peculiar feeling that there was much in common between myself and this person. I began quizzing her hypothetically about it - it didn't take her long to realize that I was referring to myself. I gleaned a lot from that conversation, and the wheels started turning in my head again. I did some more research, and took a few unofficial tests online. One said that I scored a 40 which meant that it was highly likely. The average was 32.

Hmm...
I couldn't help but think that this is the "piece of the puzzle" that has been missing. I had often wondered why I have this intense urge for quests of "useless" information, collecting certain things (often many of the same one) and assorted difficulties (relationships being the BIG one.) For the longest time, I have resigned myself to the fact that "that's just me and how I am." But now it is beginning to become clearer as each day passes! There WAS a reason why I was taken to a university hospital in the late 70's and given PET scans, brain scans, lots of tests, and why I was put in several "special" reading groups even though my reading, grammar and spelling were perfect. Why else would I have a college reading level even before leaving elementary school (somewhere in 5th or 6th grade,) and have such a hard time with simple concepts (common sense) and ideas, as well as grasping humor?

Here's The Kicker...
But the BIGGEST one of all was "Oh, so that's why my dad told me that the doctor said I was mentally retarded!" It was probably autism - A highly developed form of it, known as Asperger's Syndrome. In summary, I didn't act right, and they didn't know what to do with me, so they put me with the other children imprisoned in the Special Education program. For them it's like being trapped in a mental hospital, and on display for all to see.

What? My Kid? No Way!
My dad was in a rage. He wanted to strangle the doctor - No one likes to be told that their child has a disability! Maybe the doctor didn't mean it that way, but didn't know how to express it. I am pretty sure of this though - when my mom passed away (I was three years old at the time,) It CHANGED me! That trauma took a lot out of me, and disguised itself as "hyperactivity," and later manifested itself in extreme bouts of rage and sadness, with the occasional "hyper feeling," which appeared as bipolar disorder. Now, I'm not saying that I do not have bipolar, but that it was only one part of the picture, the other (and hopefully final) part was Asperger's.

What Does This All Mean?
Now, keep in mind that I haven't been officially diagnosed with Apserger's, but I'm very certain that it's there. I'm not looking to use this as a crutch or a label, but as a tool to help my better understand myself, the world around me, and to feel closure to my uncertain past. I have used the "tools" that were given to me through this disorder (analytical thinking, incredible mimicking abilities, and deep comprehension,) as survival mechanisms to get through life. I truly think that if I didn't have those, I would still be in some sort of special program today, not living on my own, and not being able to pursue my dreams. I don't feel regret - rather I feel grateful for what this has given me - I have many assets that I am able to use every day not only to help myself, but to help others as well.

Thank you , Lord.

2006-10-05T13:02:00.000-05:00

Blowing The Dust Off...

2006-03-13T11:52:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone! I am checking in to let you know that I'm still alive. I may go into detail later about things going on in my life, as it hasn't been all roses. However, I'm not so dependent upon what others think or say. I was thinking of starting to audio blog again, but put the files on a server somewhere...just a thought.

Goodbye For Now

2006-01-18T12:46:00.000-06:00

Well, I guess that this is goodbye for now. I am now doing much better for myself, and I couldn't feel much better. I am beginning to realize that there is indeed life after the internet, and that it was indeed an addiction. I'm not turning my back on technology - I'm just going to use the computer much less than I have in the past (remove all chat programs, etc. and pretty much only for my production stuff. Thank you everyone, and I wish you much success and happiness within your lives. Take care!

Danny

Cue: Norman Bates' Psycho Music...

2006-01-09T00:15:00.000-06:00

...OH MY GOD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
This is what I said when I opened my refrigerator door! I saw a trail of blood - er, chocolate syrup dripping down the inside of the door and onto the crisper shelves (and then onto the freshly mopped floor!) Honestly, I heard the music and thought of Janet Leigh's character in the movie. Suddenly, I was Norman Bates - knowing that something terrible had happened, and that I'd better clean it up.

Da-Daaaa-Da-Dum...Da-Daaaa-Da-Dum....(Second part of the score)

A Bit Of Triva...
Did you know that Alfred Hitchcock used Hershey's chocolate syrup to simulate blood in "Psycho?" How ingenious! I can see it now - he says "Well, let's use chocolate syrup. The bloody audience won't even be able to tell, since it is indeed only in black and white!" I can see why Norman (played by Anthony Perkins) had one hell of a time trying to clean that stuff up! I learned for myself first hand today just how viscous (and sticky) that stuff is in copious amounts!

Plan Of Attack...
My first line of defense was to grab some damp paper towels and wipe the floor with them. I then left them to catch any remaining drips that might make their way to the floor. Next, I removed the offending bottle and (the others) on the shelf that it all began on. I decided to soak up as much as I could on the crisper shelves, finding out that you really have to use several damp towels to clean it up. The stuff spreads like oil, and it's easy to make the mess even bigger, or get it on your shirt sleeves. There - the drawers are done on the outside. But what about the inside? I had a nasty feeling as I opened the one on the right - sure enough, there was a pool of syrup in the corner, and I had to clean that out too. Once that was complete, I turned my attention to the shelf in the door and wiped it clean. Next, I grabbed each bottle, cleaned off the bottom and sides, and proceeded to put them back in their prior locations. The final step was cleaning the floor, again through courtesy of a wet paper towel. I am sure that I'm going to go over it again with the mop and pine-sol because it does feel a bit sticky in stocking feet. Whew!

The Culprit?
Simple - it was a bottle of Nesquik that had a small hole in the top of the cap! How I failed to notice this when I purchased it was anyone's guess. If it wasn't for the safety seal (which I usually despise,) the store would have had a hell of a mess on their hands! I'm guessing that it fell in transit, and the little shard of plastic broke off upon impact. Now, what I'm not sure of is this - did I buy it this way, or did I drop it and cause it to break? Remember, I do have a history of accidentally breaking things (by the way, you can add a candle to the list today!) The jury is definitely out on this one.

Note to self: Next time, buy the one with the spout you can lock down and verify it through the transparent cap!

As I Was Saying...
Oh, the candle? Well, that was definitely a boo-boo. I had it sitting on top of one of my stereo speakers (yeah, I know, smart.) It was sitting on a paper towel as well. I had the music up a little loud today, and was jamming while I was cleaning. I never stopped to look at the candle that was slowly vibrating itself closer and closer to the edge, until.....

CRRRAAASSSSSSHHH!!!
Yep, there's that old familiar sound again. It seems to re-occur time and time again within my life. I look down and see that my candle decided to commit Hari-Kari and assault one of my mic stands. The mic stand would have no part of this and decided to fight back by breaking the candle's glass jar into no less than one hundred tiny pieces! Of course I cleaned it up, watching for more shards, and admonishing myself in the process. I am so glad that I did not have that candle burning, or I would have had some serious trouble! Reason being is that within the vicinity of the incident was my guitar and amp, and my two basses, as well as my right channel stereo speaker (which is made of wood.) That stuff would have went up fast! Amazingly, I didn't cuss or scream - I just cleaned it up and went about my business...and grabbed another candle from the closet to replace the broken one. It's now sitting where the old one was. *Sigh* When will I ever learn?

On a short note: I wonder if I can sue Jeff Beck for making music so great that I was negligent of the well-being of my candle? Dare to dream, Danny! Just kidding, Jeff! YOU ROCK!!!

It's A SAD Situation...

2006-01-08T20:36:00.000-06:00

A Possibility...
After reading Tabor's comment regarding my last post, I did some research to see if I have the classic winter blahs. The formal name for this is Seasonal Affective Disorder. It seems that this occurs due to the excessive production of melatonin in the brain. And to think that I actually have some melatonin pills in my cabinet! Those were left over from my travails with Geodon.

If The Shoe Fits...
Seems the symptoms are there - excessive eating, craving of sugary and starchy foods, and oversleeping. Lately, I have been sleeping 9-10 hours a day, and still getting sleepy later on. My mood isn't terrible, but it has a tinge of apathy and self-defeatist characteristics. I promised some friends that I would come over today, but I never made it there. I was going to call them and let them know that I'll come over tomorrow or Tuesday, but I never got to the point. One of them got angry with me for doing this before, and I can't blame her for that. She had made a nice dinner for all of us, and I never even gave the courtesy of a phone call. She knows that I struggle with depression quite frequently, but thinks to a degree that "it's all in my head." She doesn't understand...

Remedies...
They range from getting outside for an hour a day, to using full spectrum light therapy. I promised my therapist that I would go for an hour walk every day. Well, I did go out for a walk on Friday, and I felt invigorated after that. I guess that I was so wiped out on Friday night, that I couldn't get up early enough to go for a walk on Saturday. The same goes for today. And so the cycle continues...or does it? It seems that I lack energy, and that it takes so much effort sometimes just to walk out that door. Sometimes it seems that I'd rather clean house than stick a foot outside!

Cocktail for One...
It's a challenge dealing with this AND having bipolar disorder at the same time. What I feel right now is not really sadness - it's more of an emptiness. I don't feel worthless, but I do feel that there is not much going on right now, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm the master of isolating myself from everyone and everything, and that just makes it worse.

Action!
I could pick up the phone and make some much-needed calls. I think that I will do that. It's almost 9 o'clock, but that's ok. To sit here and just stare at the wall (or the screen) is not going to help much. After all, why did i choose to take a shower about an hour ago? Here I sit, dressed and ready to go...nowhere. I could go to a local jam night, but I don't know if my buddies are going to be there. It's so complicated, and I'll go into it later. For now, I will look into things that I can do to ease these empty feelings. It's like taking the edge off the dullness. How paradoxical is that?

"This too, shall pass."

200....and Counting...

2006-01-04T20:46:00.000-06:00

The Time Has Finally Come...
Yep. I am at that point in my life when I am beginning to actually gain weight (and keep it!) I used to hover around 185-190 lbs. at the most, but now I've hit the proverbial two-hundred pound mark (according to my parents' scale.) I re-weighed myself two other times, and the result was the same, so the average works out to 200. Wow - I really need to control my eating!

Oink, Oink!
Since I started cooking for myself, my portions have been rather large at times. I also find myself craving alot of cheese and sweet stuff, namely chocolate candy bars. It's not uncommon for me to go through a one-pound container of port wine or sharp cheddar cheese in two days. The stuff is just so damn good! But I don't think that I'm eating just because I'm craving the taste - I think that it's something else. Maybe it's for the same reason alot of people overeat - comfort.

Alone...
Now, don't get me wrong - I love my freedom. But there are times when I don't know what to do with myself, so I go right to the refrigerator and grab something to eat. At first, it was just a bowl of salad with bleu cheese dressing, croutons, and tomatoes. Now it's sharp cheddar or port wine cheese, summer sausage, and crackers. I also tend to consume alot of chocolate as well. For example - I went grocery shopping yesterday, and I bought a bag of Snickers candy bars (fun size.) I find myself getting into them nearly every time I go into the kitchen. I would say that 3/4 of the bag is gone now. I never thought that it would come to this - that I'd have to curb my eating.

Exercise...
When it was nice outside in the summer and fall, I used to walk around town, lap around the square a few times, and head home. Now that it's rather cold outside, I don't have the urge to go out and brave the elements for 30-60 minutes every day - perhaps I ought to. It might do me some good. It's hard to believe that at one time in my life I was athletic. You wouldn't know by looking at me.

Food = ?
It seems that the food is replacing something that is missing in my life. I don't think that it's a relationship or sex. I believe that is replacing my courage to get out there and do things when I'm not playing gigs. That has always been a big deal for me. I'm not a socialite, and I am not one for small talk. I find that alot of my ideals go against the grain, or that my jokes are not funny unless you know the inside references. As a result, I just stay in my apartment day and night for days on end, only leaving if absolutely necessary. It's similar to being depressed, but I don't feel down.

I Feel.....Bleh.
The word that I use to describe it is "bleh." Maybe I feel a tad depressed, but not overcome by it. I have been on the telephone alot today - mostly to confirm gigs, practices, etc. If I really feel awful, I usually try to reach out to someone in my support network. I haven't been suicidal in months, and I'm really proud of that. I guess that the novelty of being on my own has worn off, and being alone is just normal now. I guess this is where the food comes in - if I feel bad, I'll eat; then, I'll feel better. At least I am aware of it, and I want to do something about it. I would try the ABWheel, but every time I use the thing, it feels like I'm ripping myself apart. Pushups? I'm lucky if I can do one. The same goes for sit ups. Maybe I need to see my buddy in the city - he's a personal trainer, and he may have some ideas and or suggestions. I hope that he doesn't suggest putting eggs in the blender and drinking them! I'd have to say "no, thanks!"

In Other News...
Amidst all of this, I have been able to keep the house clean, do my dishes, and pay my bills, so it's not all for naught. I am going to get some sort of weekly/daily planner tool, and just plan out my days. I need some sort of structure to build upon. I find that when I'm busy, I'm usually much happier. I don't have time to think and dwell on things. I will never forget to give myself some free time, but I won't neglect things that need to be done either.

I guess that I'll just sit here until 10 p.m., and then go to bed. 40 minutes to go...

Time To Hit The Reset Button...Beeeeep!

2006-01-02T22:04:00.000-06:00

A New Year - A New Frame of Mind
Happy New Year everyone! I hope that you had as great as a celebration as I did. It was fun playing our usual gig, but being on the bowling lanes themselves! It took a bit to get used to, but it wasn't impossible. All in all, it was alot of fun - now it's time to get back into the groove again....again....again....again...(sound of needle scratching a record.) I have to hit the "reset" button.

Wha?
New Year's always messes me up. Sometimes I sleep for 22-24 hours straight afterwards. Why I do this I have no idea. All I know is when I wake up, I feel pretty "zoned." It's like being refreshed and raring to go. Sometimes it takes a while to get out of that state. Thankfully, this year I didn't do that. I didn't come home on New Year's Day until midday. I cooked myself some dinner, and that's about all I really remember. I wasn't depressed - I just decided to keep to myself. I just needed some "alone" time.

Changes...Changes...
I've decided to deal with life differently. This mostly concerns dealing with other people (family, friends, etc.) I will do the best that I can, and if that's not enough, too bad! I will also NOT demean myself and beg for someone's forgiveness, nor will I pander to them. I'm tired of empty promises time and again (people promise things, but never deliver.) I guess to hell with them now. It's obvious that I'm not that important to them, so let's get on with our lives, shall we?

Life Goes On!
I send emails to people (really heartfelt stuff) and they don't bother to reply. That used to piss me off, but now I don't care. I guess we find out who are friends are (sooner or later.) My life is way too important to stop everything and wait for them. You live in your little world, and I'll live in mine - it's that simple. Succinctly put, I'm not playing the fool anymore - period. I feel better already!

Busy, Busy, Busy...
Seems I'm super busy with the music biz lately. I'm asked quite frequently to sit in or join yet another band. I think that the grand total now is four - including the one my buddy (who I already jam with) wants to put together. It's looking like a five to six night thing for me - I'm not complaining at all! It feels good to be sought after and "in demand." Apparently, this is my true calling in life - to be a musician/entertainer.

Stress and Priorities...
Sometimes it can be stressful, but at least I enjoy what I'm doing, and that makes a HUGE difference. I am trying to pace myself though, and not get overwhelmed. I do find it hard to say no, especially when so many offers are so tantalizing - top players, lots of talent, and opportunities! I will just have to be forthright and politely refuse when the need arises. And so begins the journey up the ladder...rung by rung...one step at a time.

Confidence or Conceit?
This is one area that I'm learning to discern the difference. I am actually at the point where I feel good enough that I am indeed worthy of what I have. However, I don't get cocky, or to the point where I feel that I'm the greatest. But...I do get to a point where if someone THINKS that they are better than me, I feel the need to "school" them. I guess it's my way of getting back at them. If they provoke me, I'll gladly oblige. Style, form, and versatility don't come from reading tablature in the latest issue of Guitar One, kids - remember that. Also, just because you own 14 basses and 10 amps doesn't make you great either - PRACTICE makes you great.

Jam...Jam...Jam...
Get out and jam with as many peope as you can. Of course, it's scary at first, but do it for a while. You'll be surprised at what happens, and how many friends you will make along the way! I was petrified the first time I played a jam night, but you know what? It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. My network has expanded tenfold, and I sit in with just about anyone who walks in the door and vice versa. I don't think that I'm the greatest thing since powdered milk, but I know that I don't suck either. This is a great place to be - this is about as "happy medium" as I can get right now. I can also accept the fact that not every jam is going to be perfect, and everyone communicates differently. This can create problems along the way, but true performers iron them out as they go.

Perfection, or "You Just Suck" - A Rant...
The standards that some people hold themselves (and others) to are just outright ridiculous! I mean, just because I didn't catch on to the tune right away doesn't mean that I suck! Did it ever occur to you that maybe I haven't HEARD the song to begin with? Chew on that, you acoustic guitar-toting, smug hippies! Don't bark out the chord changes to me, either - why not try shouting out a song title? If you want to do it in a different key, that's fine too, but don't be giving me harsh looks if it isn't turning out like you want it to. Remember, YOU were the one who decided to make things that much more difficult by changing the key of the song in the first place! I'm through feeling sorry for myself and not feeling good enough - it's YOUR turn!

Points To Remember...
I'm willing to be versatile and flexible, but don't bust my balls if it isn't perfect right away. Also remember that everyone has a different learning curve - perhaps yours is just a bit faster than mine. So be it - but don't you dare chastise me for not being on your level. I might just be having a bad day, and on a good day I just might "school" your ass. Be careful who you underestimate.

OK - it feels good to get that out - Whew! Maybe I should print that on the back of my business cards, eh? I probably won't get many calls then! Better to save it for the gigs and the musicians I play with. I think that I'm being reasonable and fair. I do take an interest in what you think, so if you have a comment, please fire away. Thanks!

Warning: DON'T USE ZONEALARM!

2005-12-28T16:04:00.000-06:00

GRRRRR!
I've just spent the better part of an afternoon re-installing windows on my pc, thanks to this program. I had to disable it at first when I got my DSL connection. So, I figured why even have it installed if I don't use it? That's when the trouble started...

Let's Try Something Else...
"No problem," I say to myself, "let's just try something else." I found another firewall to try called Kerios. It seemed to be a good program, so I gave it a shot. I installed it, rebooted as I was instructed to do, and once again, I had problems! This program gave me several GUI errors - not only that, it wouldn't allow me to get online, to access the task manager, or anything! I felt that I had made a grave mistake. This is when I called my ISP...

What A Mess!
I tried everything that I could think of, aside from cleaning out the registry. I called my ISP for assistance, and they couldn't figure it out either. I was told that the registry needed to be fixed. I took this upon myself, as I have done this in the past without any hassle. I rebooted my machine, and it STILL wouldn't let me on the net! Hmm...maybe I can restore from a previous point - nope that didn't work either. Let's repair the installation. Maybe it will restore some corrupt registry entries, etc. Nope - no such luck. I called a friend and he decided that a clean install would be best. Reluctantly, I followed his advice, re-installing XP. The good news is that I'm back online - the bad news is, I lost ALL of my bookmarks! I forgot to back them up in Firefox. Ironic, because I usually back them up.

Loss...I Hate It!
All those bookmarks...gone. It was so convenient. Now I can't remember what half the stuff was. I'll be mulling over this all day long, and it won't be easy to accept. I guess that I have no choice in the matter, as I can't go back and change it. It still doesn't make it any easier. Half of me wants to cry, and the other half wants to scream out in rage. WHY? WHY WHYYYYY!

Could Be Worse...
Yeah, I guess that it could be worse - my pc could have had a total system crash, and I'd be left with nothing. I just have to re-install programs at best. The bookmarks being lost is what really got to me. I had several great things bookmarked, especially my favorite blogs. Oh well, guess I'll just have to find them again. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

What Now?
Well, I think that I'm just going to sit here and sulk for a while, just like a little kid. Eventually I will get over the loss, and life will go on. But for now, I sit here, mourning the loss of my precious bookmarks as if they were sacred documents. Yesterday will live on...

Backing Out...

2005-12-27T20:25:00.000-06:00

I decided to back out of a gig tonight, due to problems the first time we played together. Also, to be honest, I feel that I need more "tools" to work with - more "chops." It's true that I'm still learning all the time, but I compare myself to others constantly. I don't need to be the best in the world, but I do want to be able to hold my own. I know that not every night is going to be stellar, but it's still not easy.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh...sigh

Broken Glasses, Bloody Noses, etc...

2005-12-27T17:27:00.000-06:00

CRASH!!!!
Oh no! Not again! I cringe when I hear that sound! Yep, I broke another drinking glass by simply knocking it over! The first one was in the sink; the second one on the counter; and the third was on the computer desk. The fortunate part is that they were all empty. Instead of four glasses to use, I am now down to just one. I guess that I'll have to make that trek to K-Mart after all. It really frustrates me just how clumsy I can be. I guess that if I wasn't in such a hurry I wouldn't be breaking things accidentally. I notice that when I start cleaning, I start to rush through it all, and this is when delicate things get broken. What is really disappointing is that those glasses were a housewarming gift from my sister, so there is sentimental value attached to them. And only one remains...sigh

It's Blood!
Last night, I made myself a simple dinner of hamburgers, buffalo fries, and some cottage cheese with applesauce on the side. I have a penchant for spicy food, so naturally I "kicked it up a notch" (sorry, Emeril!) I added some jalapeno ketchup and some mild pepper rings to the burgers. This gave them a nice little zing - not too hot, but warm enough to leave a little tingling in your mouth. As usual, I love that endorphin rush feeling that you get from hot and spicy foods. There is no feeling quite like it! Sometimes my nose runs a little bit - as a result of the sinus cavities clearing out. I felt that familiar feeling again, and wiped my nose quickly. I was shocked when I looked down:

OH MY GOD! I'M BLEEDING!

I didn't panic, but I did notice quite a bit of blood was on my napkin. I did the usual cold compress and held my head back for about 10 minutes. After that, I felt fine. I began to wonder - is it because of the spicy food that my nose bled, or is this just coincidence? And before you ask, no I don't do cocaine! Some folks think that I do because of my over-the-top antics and stage presence, but I assure you I don't touch the stuff.

Anyway...
I'm about to make dinner, and maybe start on cleaning house. I didn't do it this weekend because of the holiday. It's not filthy, but my routine is disrupted for the time being, and that does bother me a bit. I'm notorious for falling off the wagon and not getting back on. Maybe this time I can avoid that. I think that I'll stay home tonight rather than go out. Perhaps.

The Christmas Wrap...Up...

2005-12-24T19:52:00.000-06:00

Wikki-Wikki! Word to your muffler...

It goes-a-one-two-three...

Just Kidding!
Yes, I could readily point out that I was using the word wrap in an improper context, but that would be just a little too self-effacing for me. I am in a jovial mood tonight though. As usual, I put off the Christmas shopping until the last minute, but was able to pull off the miracle, and spend under $200!

My Trademark: Last-Minute Shopping!
Guilty as charged, your Honor! The problem is, I just cannot seem to conjure up even a spark of what someone might want or need until that crucial moment. Maybe I thrive under the pressure - I still haven't figured that out. I got up nice and early - anticipating the idiots...er um...people on the road, but what was about to unfold really hit a hot button with me.

Don't Block The Intersection, Asshole!
I have a huge pet peeve - when there is a line of cars, and I see one or more of them blocking the intersection. This impedes my progress (and anyone else's.) All it means is that someone is just too damned lazy to walk a little distance to get into the local Wal-Mart. They act as if the very back rows on the other side of the entrance are no man's land. I mean, got forbid that they actually have to WALK! Hell, why don't they just run parking lot shuttles like amusement parks, ya know? Not only that, it makes it nearly impossible to exit the parking lot, as there is gridlock from all sides. It reminds me of some kind of Branch Davidian compound - you can't get in, but if you do, you're never going to get out.

A Clarification...
Now, I'm not referring to folks who absolutely need those closer spaces (i.e. elderly or handicapped folks.) I'm talking about able-bodied people, maybe around my age, that just park they freakishly large SUV (Humvees come to mind) in the front row, just because they can. I guess it strokes their ego a little bit - to have the upper hand, and throw it in the less fortunate person's face. "Don't you wish that you could have this? I'm better than you, and you know it." Oh please - It's great to have nice things, but don't act like your a god or an untouchable. Anyways, enough on that mini-rant.

Urban Assault...
For many years, I have held this mindset when dealing with throngs of idiots....excuse me...people (damn it, did it AGAIN!) I picture myself as a commando, loaded to the hilt with unlimited firepower on my person, as well as on my vehicle. I know that it's childish, but it does help me to be firm and assertive. However, the images sometimes become vivid, and for just a moment, I'm really in the battlefield. I throw grenades, run my adversary off the road, and just basically part the crowd like the Red Sea. No, it's not a bloodbath - everyone just sees that I mean business, and gets the hell out of my way. It's not meant to be ominous, just let me have my way.

I Want It Now, Daddy! Now!
Yes, I know that the world does not revolve around me. I've been told this countless times within my life, and this view that I have is rather selfish. But, I know that I'm not the only one who gets like that. I think that at least more than a few times within our lives, we all take turns playing the Veruca Salt character from Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.

Next Time I'll...
Sure, I'll say that now - but odds are that "mood" will come up again. My therapist says that I'm addicted to anger. It's not so much that I like it, it's just that it's second-nature for me to get frustrated beyond belief sometimes. In contrast, the anger is not nearly as much as it used to be. This is more of an intense irritation - like being crabby, but turning the volume up to about 8. My heart is basically saying, "Why is this happening to ME? How could they do this to ME?" This is a classic case of personalizing it, taking it as a threat, and getting defensive to protect myself. This is why in a confrontation with someone, I would (and still) refuse to back down and be submissive. I'll walk away, but not with my tail between my legs - that ain't gonna happen, kids. I played that role for too long when I was a kid.

Yo!
A note to all potential thugs - put a gun in my face, you'd damn well better use it. For if you don't, I'll be glad to shove it somewhere else..I guess that I'm the type of guy that might hand you his wallet, but the second you turn your back or drop your guard, I'm going to kick the living shit out of you, take back my wallet, and probably take something of yours for the pain and suffering...OK....OK....OK....here I go thinking about something that is, beyond the shadow of a doubt is not going to happen. I just wanted you to get an idea of my beliefs and values.

Yap-Yap-Yap...
As usual, I go off ad-nauseum into just how I defend myself from these "threats." This is not neccessary, I just get so caught up in the moment. I need to take this facet of my personality and focus it on productive things and projects - namely my music and my writing. Friends describe my intensity of discussing things as deep and intense. I don't claim anything - I'm just a very passionate person, that's all there is to it. I've even given a few close friends "permission" to warn me when I'm headed for that "danger zone."

Welcome To Hollywood...
That fantasy-land is alot like Hollywood - anything is possible, and can happen. Of course, we know that flights of fancy don't always translate well into reality. This is probably due to the fact that we overlook several variables, and or consequences that may occur following our actions or words. However, to visualize something does help us to accomplish it. I think that it has more to do with bolstering our self-confidence more than anything. To prep ourselves for something is the ultimate safeguard. But to see it through rose-colored glasses is just asking for a disappointment - a real heartbreak.

Idealism Defined...
We all have that "perfect world" within our minds, where everything is perfect (like a certain drugstore chain's TV spots.) Nothing is wrong, all is just hunky-dory." We know that is just a pipe dream, and is simply not possible. Our paths cross and intersect throughout our lives, and this always has an impact on us. It's like everyone is the center of their own universe, but no one elses. We have all these universes that come together, sometimes they oppose one another, and clash violently.

Preconceived Notions...
The danger is that factor called a "preconceived notion." This is what gets us into trouble. We visualize things to be a certain way and when they prove otherwise, this creates a disappointment for us. Sometimes this provokes anger, which is usually the case with me. That anger is really me just being ultra-crabby, as I stated earlier. Generally, my mind says something like, "Oh, so you want to ruin my perfect little world? Well, I'm not going to let you, no matter the cost. I mean, who the fuck are you to rain on MY parade? Step off dude, or you're going to get hurt."

Umm....Okay....
You get the idea. I think that this is becoming a circular reference post. I keep going back to that anger/protection mechanism, even when no threat is eminent. This is something that I'm definitely working on in my life. I am truly at more ease than I've ever been in my life, but there are certain situations that will take more time and discipline. Namely situations involving many people, long lines, belligerent drunks, and authority figures who overstep their boundaries. I guess the place that I'm most comfortable is either at home or on the stage.

Progress...
Even though I have a few stumbling blocks, I feel that I have been making tremendous progress within my life in the past decade. I need to look at ways that I can avoid those traps of familiarity and comfort. It's time to look for solutions rather than focus on the problem. To give up is tantamount to being a loser. It took me a long time to realize how self-pity damages you. I would simply think to myself, "Well, this is it - I'm a loser and there is nothing that I can do about it." How wrong I was to find out several years later. I've been blessed with these wonderful gifts, and it's time to use them to their full potential. The potential that so many others see within me - family, friends, colleagues, therapists, etc.

Dad...
My dad has always been a positive force throughout my life regarding my talents and abilities. I know that it used to eat him up when I would come home high or drunk. I was capable of doing so much more, yet I chose not to. I only wish that I could have said, "You know, Dad. The reason that I'm doing these things is that I am truly unhappy right now. I'm having a very tough time at school, and I feel that no one cares or loves me (except for you.) I really need your help. I don't want to be this way, but it's the way I am coping with my life right now. I don't know what else to do."

Help...And Love...
Eventually I did let him (as well as my aunt and uncle) know . It happened on a Christmas day around 1990 or so. I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore. I broke down to tears and confessed everything, even the suicidal feelings. This really set off a red flag with my entire famliy, and they were all very worried about me. It was then that I realized that there are many people who care about me, and what happens to me. This was a beginning to the way out of the smoke-filled haze that was my teenage life. It took nearly 15 years to get to this point, but it has been an interesting journey to say the least. I can't say that I don't regret anything, but I did learn some valuable lessons down the road. Sometimes we have to get a taste of experience in order to learn our lesson. The pain (or pleasure) that we feel is our best teacher. The trick is to take the lesson from it, and discard any accompanying negative emotions as soon as possible.

That's All Folks!
Well, that's all for now. I feel as if i'm just running in circles faster and faster. I know that what I write is nothing new - it's just my take on how I observe life, people and issues within it. I bear malice toward none - it's just a protective mechanism that is stuck and needs to be repaired. Enough said, and with that, I wish you all:

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Insert Photo Here..

2005-12-21T16:57:00.000-06:00

It seems that my profile image has vanished from its former location, so I'll have to scare up a new one for those of you that want to see what I look like. My best comparisons - I've been told that I have the facial features of Quentin Tarrantino, and from a distance that I look like Tony Levin - bassist extraordinaire for Peter Gabriel and others. Coincidence? I don't think so! Later!

BTW - The photo I've substituted is from my Flickr page. It's my inadvertent attempt to imitate the late blues great Howlin' Wolf. I just noticed that recently. See ya!

The Post Office and Other Things...

2005-12-21T16:07:00.000-06:00

Happens Every Time...
Well, today I have a rant that I must purge from my system! This involves my local post office. You know, it could be ANY time of the day and without fail, there's always a line at the post office! Now, I know that is to be expected during the holiday season, but this happens all year-round. People are jamming up the street just so they can shove a letter or card down the unscrupulous throat of those wonderful US Mail boxes. Not only that, the parking lot is FULL! Admittedly, this does start a little spark of frustration within me.

Going In...
I know what to expect going in - a line of no less than 3 to 5 people. There's always one moron who is trying to send packages to the whole freakin' world! Today it was a lady with what appeared to be no less than one-hundred fifty Christmas cards! I couldn't hold back and I mumbled, "gee lady, what are you doing, sending Christmas cards to everyone on the planet?" She didn't respond, and no one else did either - not even a glare. I usually get a nod of agreement, or a stare of disapproval from the other customers. Anyway, the line went faster than I expected, and I was glad to be out of there. To avoid further frustration, I made sure to purchase a book of stamps so that I don't have to go there for a while. I also wouldn't want to short the post office of that precious 2 cent increase in January. Never enough...

Improvements...
For starters, they could actually use all 3 windows so that they could take care of customers faster. My only guess is that they are understaffed and are only able to attend to 2 windows at one time. This in and of itself would alleviate alot of the frustration involved.

For Faster Service...
This idea is borrowed from grocery stores and license bureaus - how about an Express Lane - for those, like me, that only have one or two items to send. All others should stay in the regular line. Honestly, if you're going to ship something big, do yourself (and anyone else) a favor and use UPS, FedEx, or DHL. They are more experienced in the matter of larger items. However, even the "big guys" have their occasional snafu.

Trials and Tribulations with DHL...
I am currently dealing with DHL right now - they were supposed to deliver a package to me on the 19th, but it hasn't shown up yet. The sad thing is, it's not even a big and bulky package - it's just a wristwatch! I called customer service and they said that they would call me back within the hour to let me know the status of my package. The nearest DHL facility is only about 30 miles away! I mean, how long does it take to get around to where I live? They have how many vans and trucks? I don't know about you, but I see them all over the place! Naturally, I've been tracking my package since the day of its shipment, and for the past two days I've been informed that it is basically "en route." It supposedly left the facility at 6:34 AM today. The time is now 4:19 PM, and still nothing! So much for prompt service, eh? Maybe I should discount the fact that it is indeed Christmas time and there are lots of packages (mostly fruitcakes, cheese and wine baskets) that are being shipped. Gee, I hope that everyone elses' stuff gets to them on time - I don't wish this on anyone!

A Lesson Learned...
I can tell you this - I'll never - repeat, NEVER use DHL for anything ever again. Unfortunately, I had no choice in the matter, as that was all the merchant offered. As a result of this inconvenience, I have postponed several activities and put off several things that needed to be done, just so that I can accept my package! I mean, I have a week-and-a-half's worth of laundry that needs to be done. This involves driving to my sister's house and spending a good portion of the day there. Sometimes I just spend the night and sleep on the couch. Knowing my luck, I'd be gone, and sure enough, that damn delivery van would pull up, and I'd get that dreaded "We missed you," notice on my back door. I'd have to wait until the next day to get the package. At least they offer you the option that you don't need a signature to get it.

Precious Time...
I'd sure hate for them to leave my precious watch outside in the cold all day though. It's a rather expensive one, and I'm sure it's rather sensitive to freezing temperatures. If it was broken, it wouldn't be cheap to fix it, as I don't wear those cheesy digital pieces of crap. Call me old fashioned, but I do prefer the more traditional style ones, especially with windup or automatic movements. As I said before, I'm a watch geek, and I collect lots of them. I'm the sort of guy who prefers Roman numerals over Arabic, or hour markers instead of numbers. I consider myself a person who has the taste of Cartier, Rolex, and the like - however I'm on more of a Seiko or Timex budget. I'm a black tie guy trapped in a poor man's body! I could go on and on about this, but it would take alot of time. Anyway, enough about that...

Newsflash!
I just received the call from DHL that it will arrive at my doorstep tonight. I was very pleased to hear this, and I eagerly await its arrival! Now, I can get on with my life, catch up with my laundry, and run the errands that I need to run. Ironically, one involves getting a watch serviced. For now I'll just sit here and listen to my neighbor across the hall wail away on his guitar, blasting Ozzy Ozbourne. The kid's got potential to be the next Zakk Wylde - now if only I could convince him that he should join a band (and that there is other stuff to play and listen to!)

We Now Resume Normal Programming...
It's night time! Time to plug in the Christmas tree, light a few candles, and make something delicious for dinner. Dare I make my first attempt at spaghetti with garlic bread? My heartburn says otherwise... Oh well, I'll probably just throw a pizza in the oven, and be done with it. Wait - doesn't pizza give you hearburn too? :)

Happy Holidays!

Dropping In...

2005-12-20T00:13:00.000-06:00

Quickly...
Well, it seems that my DSL connection has straightened out, and is working very nicely. I guess that the first ten days are pretty tumultuous, and you are supposed to leave your modem on continuously for that time, so they get an idea of your usage (or something like that.) It's just great to listen to my favorite streams - especially the ones that lull me to sleep!

In Other News...
Seems that I'm becoming a hot commodity (slowly but surely) in the local music scene. Almost any gig that I play, someone approaches me to join their band, or just to get together and jam. Of course it's hard to say no, so ultimately I end up doing it. It's nice to feel important, and to be needed. I keep imagining myself on the cover of Bass Player Magazine in a thoughtful but slightly aggressive pose with my signature fretless bass in my hands. Okay, moving on then...

Moods...
Moods have been more stable than they have been in quite some time. I find that now I am able to spread out and do what I want to do, things are much better. If I want to build something, I build it! If I want to change something, I change it! Creativity is coming back to me, and I've even taken the time to record some basic "ditties" that I can use to make songs. My PC is nto liking it too much (crappy soundcard?) but that's ok.

And?
The point is, I'm creating again, and in the privacy of my own home! That means if I get the urge to play a riff at 3am, I can do that. I just can't be too loud, but that's ok. I got lucky, as all my neighbors are young and in their 20's. Hell, the guy across the way plays guitar too! I mean, how cool is that?

So...
I'm cutting this short, but I'll be back soon. Not sure if I'll be doing daily entries, but I will be a posting a little more frequently. Sometimes I feel that I have to be in a creative mood to post - in actuality, I don't. I pretty much type how I talk in person, aside from the occasional stutter when i'm anxious. With that, I'm outtie - back soon!

Good Evening!

Severing The Ties...

2005-12-11T02:51:00.000-06:00

Well, it's official. I am sick and tired of my lackluster internet connection. I thought that by upgrading to DSL, I would be doing the best thing. Apparently such is not the case. Sometimes my DSL line goes down twice in one hour - simply unacceptable. I get too frustrated with it. I keep thinking to myself, " do I really want to put up with this any longer?" I am very tempted to cancel it and not have internet at all. The role that it once served me in life is really no longer needed, so maybe it's time to move on. I know that I've brought this up more than a few times, but I just can't help but wonder if it really is all just a waste of time. True, I've chatted and emailed some wonderful people, but the majority of my time is spent looking at useless crap that no one cares about. If it's one thing that I've learned living here on earth, it's that people don't like it when you know more than them, or that you can do something better. They try to belittle you and make you feel like a freak, that you should be punished for your gifts. Anyway... gotta go. Not sure if I'll be back soon, if it all. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up with a different frame of mind.

Catching Up...Part Deux...

2005-12-08T08:32:00.000-06:00

Cleaning Out...
Last night, I took on a huge project - to confront all the stuff that I had stored at my parents' house in the garage from 10-15 years ago. It consisted of many plastic totes, and some old toys. One of the totes was so heavy that my stepbrother had to help me load it in my truck! I got it all home, and began unpacking. What I was about to experience was very therapeutic - cathartic even!

Why Do I Hold On To This Stuff?
I couldn't believe the things that I found - old bank transaction slips, sales receipts, junk, junk, and more junk! I found the stuff from failed auto detailing business - it had all given up the ghost, since it sat for nearly a decade unused. That was the first stuff to go - into the trash! As I continued digging, I continually shook my head, asking, "why the hell did I keep THIS?" Of course, I knew the answer, but I knew that it really served no purpose now. Maybe it did at one time, but now it's time to get rid of it, once and for all. I was very relieved to let it all go - believe me!

But Wait...There's More!
I found several old cassette tapes that I haven't seen in years - some for good reason! I mean, how the hell did I end up with a Paula Abdul or Bobby Brown cassette? Must have been an ex's. Speaking of an ex, I found a reciept for a watch that I bought her from Wal-Mart. Now that I think about it, she really wasn't worth the $79.97 that I paid for it (a Seiko!) I guess love makes us do foolish things sometimes. I have to wonder...does she still have it? Probably not.

Toys...Toys...and More Toys!
Then comes the toys - Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars galore! I also found my beloved Micro Machines (they are really small,) which I couldn't bear to part with! I figure this much - I will hold on to the toys for future generations of my family (e.g. my adorable twin nieces!) I picked through them all, and chose a few to keep out for display - the really special ones. Now my Tonka Honda ATC (three wheeler) is on top of my monitor - the rider looking ready to kick some butt (as he always has.) One of my faves - a 6x6x6 (six wheeled) jeep is now perched above my sink, under the fluorescent light. Most people would probably put plants there, but for me, it's a mini-musueum of my favorite cars of the past. It's also the resting place for my little radio-controlled cars as well.

OK...Now On To The Mushy Stuff, et al...
After sifting and sorting through miscellaneous debris, I found a bunch of old photos and cards. These started to bring back pleasant memories, and some not so pleasant. I actually started to relive some events from that time period. I remember how unpleasant high school was for me, and how much crap I used to take from people. I remember the feeble attempts at relationships, and falling in love with a girl who was my best friend at the time, only to be turned away (it was for the better though.) I also found letters I'd written but never sent. Some of the most heartfelt and sincere words were "spoken" in them. As far as I could tell, I really started to struggle with bipolar disorder just before I got out of high school - I would say roughly 1990. Anyway, the memories started to come back, and I had to get control of myself. It was then that I realized that I DO have control. I can throw away these painful triggers and start over. I managed to get rid of enough paper to fill up a decent-sized garbage bag! What relief! I did hold on to the photos, however - they will be going into a photo album of sorts. Heck, I might even just make a scrapbook!

Letters From Family...
In the summer of 1992, I enrolled in the Job Corps and was stationed at Fort Atterbury in Edinburgh, Indiana. OK, it wasn't the military, but it was pretty damn close! Anyway, during the short time that I was there (more about why I left later,) I received several letters from close friends, relatives (including my sister and father.) I took the time to read through each one, and began to see the genuine love, care, and concern that they had for me. I started to feel guilty for the way I treated them in my adolescent and post-adolescent years. Then I realized that's all over now - it's in the past. I'm a changed person - a mature adult - a MAN.

Sis...
My sister had gone off to Sweden as a foreign exchange student, and had written me several times, urging me to write back to her. I think that I did maybe once or twice. I can only wonder how much she missed being home, yet having alot of fun. Of course, the guilt set in, and I nearly began to cry. Then I stopped, realizing that she is indeed back in my life, and we are closer than we've ever been. I know that she'd be touched deeply if she knew that I still had those letters. Even though I was a young punk, I knew deep down that those letters were special, and that's why I held onto them. Those will not be thrown away either - she said some very encouraging and uplifting things. This was a side of her that I had never seen until then. I am so deeply moved, and almost ready to cry as I write this. Sis, if you're reading this, I want to say something that I've never said to you before - I LOVE YOU!!!!

Photos...
I found photos of me just before I graduated high school. One that really touched me, was a picture of my uncle and I sitting on the couch at Christmas time. I was wearing a salmon striped shirt, jeans with rolled up legs, and long hair - down to the middle of my back. Looking at that photo, I didn't see a loser - I saw a kid who was scared, unhappy, and confused. He had recently confessed all his drug and alcohol abuse, but that wasn't enough. I had to keep playing the cool "stoner" kid part until I got out of high school. God forbid that anyone saw the "real me!"

And More...
In contast, I also found photos of me when I was around 11 or 12 years old, unkept hair, and that trademark snarling smile - something that I haven't lost over the years. This is due to teeth that were never corrected with braces - something many kids couldn't escape. I didn't want them, so I never got them. The photos depicted a kid who was much happier - of course, these were mostly vacation photos! The memories poured forth - however, it became easier to deal with them as I went along. It was then I realized that I had come a long way over that ten to fifteen years - something that my therapist continually reminds me of. I truly feel it now. Thanks, Doc!

Conclusion...
So, what have we learned today? Well, for one, getting rid of unneccesary and unused things in our lives gives us (and our parents) more space. More importantly, we also know that it can be a very cleansing and cathartic (yes, there's that word again) process. To be able to acknowledge, confront, and release these issues that are in the past is highly reccommended to anyone. So, if you have a bunch of old "junk" just laying around in your attic or whatever, take the time to go through it. You may be surprised at what lurks within! Enjoy!

The Art of Catching Up...

2005-12-02T15:23:00.000-06:00

It Sure Has Been A While...
Yes, I realize that it has indeed been a while since I've posted - I assure you that I'm doing quite well. I've never felt so free in my life! So far, this "experiment" is working out even better than I imagined. I've taken a liking to things that I never thought I would, such as cooking and even cleaning! I take great pride in my housekeeping and culinary conquests. I was able to successfully follow the directions to make some alfredo noodles, and they turned out rather nicely. I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment!

Cleaning and Organization...
I am also able to keep this place extremely tidy. For once in my life, I am organized! I am still streamlining things, but I'm off to a great start. My filing cabinet is in better order than it was previously. I used to just throw everything in there, not labelling the hanging folders - now they are all labeled and easy to see. They aren't alphabetized yet, but that's ok. I may not even go that far. Just to know that everything is in the proper folder is enough for me. This alone is "good enough."

What Remains...
I still have the huge project of sorting through my media collection - LP's, CD's and CD-R's, cassettes, and open reel tapes. I think that the last count of LPs was in the neighborhood of 1,500 or so. Of course, I have 45 singles as well - at least a few hundred of those. My dad prefers to call them an "obsolete medium." I just can't bring myself to replace them with CD's. The truth of the matter is, there is alot of stuff that is out of print and you can't get it on CD. I guess I could rip them all on the PC, but that would take tremendous amounts of time, and use lots of styli on the turntable. I guess what I will eventually end up doing is going through them, writing down each one, and taking note of its availability. If it's commonly available, I'll just give in and get the CD. Sigh...

A Dilemma...
Now this is going to be a bit technical, but I will do my best not to blindside you with terminology and long-winded explanations. Another reason that I hold onto these old recordings is that when I hear the CD remaster, many times I don't like it. They don't use the same engineer in the process more often than not. Of course, each engineer hears things differently, and some may actually try to "sweeten" the recording. Sometimes this results in an undesirable product, and you regret ever buying the damn thing. Another factor is that these recordings were made on tape that is starting to wear out, or even worse, starting to decompose. True that there are safety copies, but each generation of a copy adds noise, and something gets lost along the way.

King Crimson, et al...
A vivid memory of this for me is when I first heard the first remaster of "In The Court of The Crimson King," by King Crimson. I noticed right away that something was lacking. The Mellotron (early sampling-type of keyboard) was rather buried in the mix, whereas on the original recording, it is very prominent. Not only that, I noticed an inordinate amount of background noise. To illustrate the point further, my buddy took out his LP copy of the same album (pressed around 1969,) and played the same song. Yes, you guessed - the orignal sounded better. Funny thing - Robert Fripp, the guitarist for the band, noticed this early on as well. He has stated many times his extreme dissatisfaction of the remaster recording, and took the liberty of releasing one that as close to the original as you could get. With a name like Fripp, it has to be good (sorry, Smuckers!) Enough said.

Anyway...
As you may tell in my writing demeanor, I am doing quite well for myself. I still have my lazy days (don't we all?) but I'm not sitting around depressed. I'm usually catching up on lost sleep, or just plum tuckered out. Once I am able, I will go to the doctor and get a physical. I am pretty certain that I will be told that I am hypoglycemic. This could have alot to do with my subsequent sleepiness after mealtimes. More on this later.

For Now...
I guess I'd better jump in the shower, head to the bank to pay some bills, and maybe do a little shopping as well. Things like hot dog tongs would come in handy - so would a knife set, or a mixer. Then again, some area rugs would be nice also. Updates will be more frequent - I promise!

Connected...

2005-11-19T18:13:00.000-06:00

I'm Back!
Well, I'm back again, and I will post much more frequently. I miss posting so much - I've been so busy with this moving and settling in that I haven't had time to get caught up. I am now pleased to say that I am 3/4 of the way there. I still have a ton of records, tapes, and maybe one piece of furniture that needs to be picked up. Tonight I will do that, and this will finish off the moving process for a long, long time. My dad is going to help me design and build a new shelf for my albums and other things. I think that I'm going to need a bookshelf as well. The shelves in the closet are not strong enough to hold several books!

Blogging By Candlelight...
Yep, I have 2 candles burning right now - one in the living area, and one in my bedroom. I love the glow and the aroma that they emit! I did my cleaning today - Saturday seems to be my day to do it, and I love the smell of a clean kitchen (thanks to Pine-Sol,) and bathroom. After having to live in filth and squalor on more than one occasion, I can't stand to leave anything messy. Even the dishes get done very quickly - I guess that I'm every wife's dream, eh? Yes, I do have alot of time on my hands to do the cleaning, but I would still make time to do it. It's amazing how life's experiences can cause you to do a complete 180-degree shift in your thinking. I never used to care about any of that stuff, but now I'm very conscious of how things look and smell now. The very thought of someone smoking in here repulses me! That nasty yucky film.....EWWWWW!

Anyway...
As I said previously, I'm going to finish getting everything else and get it situated. The night is young, and we will see what it holds. Thanks for checking in, and I'll take time a little later to check in on all of you. I have much more to say, but I'll save it for later.

HOME SWEET HOME!

Found A Home!

2005-11-09T09:01:00.000-06:00

Good News!
Yep, I found a home. I have a nice cozy 1 bedroom apartment not too far from where I was staying recently. I must have looked at about a dozen or so units until I found this one - it had my name on it. Talk about a stroke of luck - it even has a brand new stove! It's in an older building, but it has all the finer accoutrements that I need. I love the fact that it has radiated heat (yes, the old-fashioned style with those big radiators.) Sure, the radiators do take up a little space, but the air will have humidity, and not be dry like a forced air furnace. The high ceilings give the impression of massive space, and the doors are of the old-fashioned and tall (over 8 ft) variety. Everyone I have shown it to agrees that it's very nice, and the rent was just right!

Family Lends A Hand...
As soon as I told my sister that I was looking for a place to stay, she gladly offered to help me look, as did my father and stepmother. Pretty soon, I had lots of places to check out. When I found THE place, my sister and my father were glad to help me move everything out (even though they complained that I have too much stuff, and I do!) After I moved in to my current residence, my sister again extended her kindness and generosity. She knew that I was in need of some kitchen and bathroom items, and bought me some of those as well. She even asked me if what she picked out was okay with me - I had no issues with her choices. She has a keen eye for picking out color-coordinated stuff, and I trust her judgement. Dark blue seems to be the theme throughout, due to the white colored walls and fixtures.

Anyway...
I still need to get a phone and internet access - I feel so cut off from the world right now. Sure, I have a TV, but it's not the same, and I can only stand to watch so much before I turn it off. When I get internet access again, I will update much more frequently. Wish me luck!

Time Out for Feedback...

2005-11-01T11:50:00.000-06:00

Here's where I get caught up for the week. I hope that I can post more, but we'll see.

Thanks to everyone for your extremely kind comments and feedback. It makes me feel much better as well. As Elvira says, mental illness can make you feel sometimes that the world is against you, and even people that love you have turned against you (even though they haven't.)

Truth be told, when I made a post and no one commented, that's how I felt sometimes. I know that it's such an extreme, but it was reality to me - a self-imposed exile in which I felt that there was nothing I could do. Whenever I thought that I had found a way out, my brain would instantly generate a reason as to why it wouldn't work.

It seems that anxiety and panic are my best friends, yet my worst enemies. This paradoxical relationship has seemed to take over my life and pretty much dictates what I can do. It's true that I'm slowly moving closer to being able to participate in daily life again, but I'm still scared as hell.

The "What-If's" just keep on coming. I just never realized that you could just say "so what!" and move on. With me, it would always stop at the answer of the "what-if," and end with something negative or uninspiring. Maybe it was the way that I was brought up. More on this later.

Broke, thanks for checking in. I appreciate it immensely. With this relocation business going on, I haven't had much time to check out blogs as much as I would like, but I will catch up soon.

Radin, thank you for your kinds words. I am glad that I can bring up topics that resonate with others. I guess with this blog, I am attempting to do two things: 1)to say what is on my mind, like a journal, and 2)to reach out to others, giving them some information or insight into our lives. Just knowing that people read what I write is comforting and inspiring as well. What I would really like to do is to ask the opinions of my readers and understand their point of view.

Nikky, thanks for sharing your adventure. As I said, I wouldn't know what to do if I was in your shoes. That is a pretty sticky situation, to be sure. I know that I would feel alot of hurt and anger - perphaps even betrayed. Love and life can be wicked things sometimes.

Tabor, yeah I know what you mean. Sometimes I'm not so fortunate as to what songs sticks in my head. Having worked in radio for a while, advertising jingles would get stuck there as well. To make matters worse, I also collect radio ID jingles (they say the name of the radio station) and you could only imagine when a silly 5-second piece of music would enter my head! I have a virtual "cart machine" in my head that fires them off at will in the most unsuspecting moments.

Okay - I have much to do today, so I do have to be on my way. Thanks again to everyone, and I will be posting very soon.

FYI - A cart machine is a device that plays pre-recorded tape cartridges in a radio station. They are very similar to 8-tracks in that they never end.

Passion...

2005-10-26T23:38:00.000-05:00

Passionate...Honestly?
I call myself a passionate person. I'd like to think that I am - however, it seems to apply in only one direction. Due to my illness, bipolar disorder, I tend to internalize alot of things. In the process, I shut myself out of seeing other's views, works, and interests in a more passionate light. This really bothers me, for it causes me to appear that I'm not interested, or that I just don't care. The truth of the matter is, there are many more that are passionate on a deeper level that I can only begin to understand. To me it seems that they are rather worldly, and well-rounded - whereas I am self-centered and ignorant to things, events, and people around me.

Sharing...
Admittedly, this has never been easy for me to do - to share an interest in something that someone else does, if it doesn't pertain directly to something of my interest. I do my best to understand, yet still feel empty. In return, they deal with my turns of "woe is me," and my continual rants at what's wrong with the world. It's like having Warren Zevon and Andy Rooney in the same room, taking turns saying what's on their mind. When all is said and done, I feel sad that I didn't listen more than I've spoken.

Understanding Daily Life...
Being somewhat eccentric doesn't help matters much either. When all the talk about the hurricanes was going on (and still is,) I sit here in my own little word - allowing myself to feel misery and pain. This of course is nothing compared to what those folks experienced and will go through for the rest of their lives. I could sit here and knitpick and complain about my life, when in all honesty, it truly could have been worse. Yes, I had some hellacious emotional struggles, but I pretty much had what I needed most of the time - food, clothing, and shelter. When those three needs are met, everything (except relationships) is a luxury. The old phrase, "Could be worse," indeed comes into play here.

A Lot To Learn...
I am slowly beginning to realize just how important it is to build relationships within our lives. Whether it's the friends we meet, the family we know and love, or a spouse, we need those "connections" in our lives more than anything else. This hit me mostly because during my times of genuine need, there always seemed to be someone that was willing to help me in my predicament. It was a combination of friends I've known for years, some new ones, and my family that helped me to get through this mess since the past two months worth of "crashing." I reached out, and they were there for me. For this, I am truly grateful and will always be.

Again?
I know that I've covered this subject before, but I feel the need to do it again. That door to being generous has slammed shut again, and I need to "wedge" it open with kindness, forgiveness, understanding, and generosity. When I was feeling generous and kind-hearted, it truly took a burden off of my shoulder, and I literally felt "light-hearted!" When that feeling was starting to go away, I could literally feel it all "sucking back inside" of me, like a vacuum cleaner picking up the dust in the air. I now know why this happened.

Losing?
So why did I let this all happen again? I'll tell you - I was afraid of losing it all. Somewhere along the line, I became afraid, and reverted back to my old ways. I believe the lack of meds had alot to do with it as well. This being my own fault, in some respects. Just as I thought that I'd "seen the light," I began to tire easily and let myself get weaker with each passing day. Pretty soon that light was gone, and I was trapped in the abyss. I swear that I could hear that door slam and echo down the tunnel. I try to rationalize why I do this, and frankly, it's pretty absurd. I wish that I would have been able to stop, think, and say to myself, "Hey! You know what's going on? You're going back to your faulty thinking again. Stop that!" I began to accept those former thoughts as reality again, and pretty much picked up where I left off. Too much apathy on my part.

Helping Myself...
I could sit here all day and say that I must do this, or I have to do that, but it really won't matter unless I take the steps necessary to go on and succeed. In short, it's easy to talk a good game, but it's another to actually play it. My writing and speaking skills are there, but the mind is somewhere else. It seems to be hiding in bed, not wanting to leave. It is so scared of the "what-if's." Alot of this is inspired by taking the thoughts and concerns of others to heart, and believing that they are always right. Phrases such as, "Are you sure you can afford it?" "Can you make it on your own?" and "Now what are you going to do?" seem to play back endlessly in my mind. I am doing my best to ignore them and just go on. At this point, I don't want to even know if they are valid questions or statements - I'd rather not hear them at all.

And Others...
If I keep playing it safe all the time, I'm going to miss out on alot of things, and people as well. I truly believe that if I feel better about myself and what I am able to do, then I will be more than happy to help other people get through their lives as well. I don't need to be at 100%, but I can't feel miserable either. I don't want a happy medium either - just a feeling of decency to begin with. I thought many times of volunteering for an organization within the community - not because I feel that I owe anything, but to reach out and give more of myself to others. Sure, I do it through playing music, but there is indeed alot of self-gratification in it as well. Maybe going to a nursing home to help feed the elderly, take them for walks, or play them a song would be a good start. Yeah - it's definitely something worth thinking about. Maybe helping children who have a low self-esteem or suffer from a mood disorder (or physical illness) would be great as well. Giving is supposed to be so much better than receiving anyway, right?

A Plan...
Well, as of this moment, I am still looking for a new place to live. I will find it soon - I have faith in that fact. I know that once I have complete independence, I will feel much better about myself and my purpose in life. This will make it much easier to give something to others in need. I don't need to benefit directly, but of course I will in the end, and that's a good thing. I am putting someone else first before me. This will be a whole new experience, and I am truly looking forward to it.

A Big Thanks...
Thanks to all who read my blog, and as always, feel free to comment. Also, take the time to check out each other's blogs. There are some really great writers out there - lots of untapped potential. I am continually impressed as I read the many blogs out there in "cyberspace." As for my regular readers, I have been looking back on previous posts, and your comments have inspired me to "wake up" once again, and get back out there and fight the good fight. Depression is only causing me to feel pain, anger, hurt, sadness, fear, and to be totally selfish. Of course, we all know this,

But the moral of the story is... (Ding!)

I'm really not a cold and uncaring person - depression causes me to think inwardly and unintentionally overlook the cares, concerns, needs, and wants of others. It's all about being very unhappy and very frightened at the same time. It causes you to think thoughts that aren't true, such as that friends or family have given up on you, or that they are tired of you and your life. It may even cause you to think that the rest of the world would be better off without you, and prompt you to suicide. If you have thoughts like this, or experience depression-like symptoms, do yourself a favor and get help. You don't have to live your life this way - it's not worth it. You don't need to subject yourself to this torment any longer. There are many mental health professionals out there who can help you, and there are medications out there that help with the chemical imbalances associated with mood disorders. You owe it to yourself to talk to them and see there is indeed "light at the end of the tunnel."

Linkage...
Here's where I drop some links:

http://www.dbsalliance.org - The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance has many chapters around the country. I am currently a member, have facilitated meetings, and also served as a chapter representative at the "Road To Wellness" Convention.

http://www.nami.org - NAMI is also a great organization to join. They are very active in the community, and organize walks to help fight mental illness.

These are two organizations that specialize in helping those with mental illnesses. I can tell you that my life has improved alot since the 5 years that I joined the DBSA. I walked in a disheveled, sobbing, mess, and got to the point where I could lead a meeting! WOW!

Don't get me wrong, there are many more than those I've listed. These are the two that I am familiar with.

More Links...
These are links to some great blogs of friends who also deal with mental illness, and/or the travails of daily life. I urge you to take the time to read them as well:

Weird Cake

There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches

Shithouse Rat

Vicissitude

One Day At A Time

Lake Walks

Friends, I will link you when I sit down and finally figure out how to do it. That stuff is all new to me, and it will come in time. Remember, I'm still stuck in the days of good old analog - well mostly, anyway.

Be well, and I'll be back soon.

Oh, one more thing - this song is stuck in my head. It's a nice groove by one of my favorite bands, Kraan. Check it out!

Another Blog?

2005-10-26T19:20:00.000-05:00

I am thinking of starting another blog, just for my musical and technical interests. I will keep this one also, and update them both from time to time. I want to diversify and expand my thoughts beyond what I am at the moment. Anyway, you get the idea. I'll be around...

Replies...

2005-10-23T23:35:00.000-05:00

I have posted replies to your comments on the previous posts, and they can be found with your comments there as well. I am fairly tired tonight, so there will not be anything long-winded, concerning a post for this evening. I am sure that tomorrow I will have more to say. Thank you again for taking time out of your day to read my blog. This is always appreciated.

WAIT!!!!!

2005-10-19T02:12:00.000-05:00

Options...
I know that there are other options for me, and I will explore them. I just felt so hopeless for that moment during the previous entry. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm reaching out and listening with both ears to anything you may have to say. For more on this, see the post below. At that moment, I truly wanted to die. I'm not entirely against it, but I do see other options that I have. I'll work it out somehow.

Damn, those Care Bears got to me tonight *sob*

It's Been A Year...Time To Move On...

2005-10-19T01:09:00.000-05:00

An Apology:
To anyone who reads and comments on my blog: I am sorry for being a selfish self-centered bastard for not checking out your blogs or replying to your comments. I am in one of the most painful times in my life right now. I will do what i can to get back to you in the near future.

Time To Pack It Up...
Well, it's official - I'm getting the hell out of the house where I'm living. I arrived home this evening to find a note on my desk stating that I need to pay $100 more than what I normally do, in addition to what I owe for the past. I was originally told that I had until Christmas to pay that back - now it's next month. I left a note in return simply stating, "don't worry - I'll be out soon." At this point in time, I really don't care where I end up. I'm sure I'll be "couch-surfing" for a while, unless I decide to make another choice.

At A Crossroads...
I've seriously come to a conclusion - do I really want to continue doing this? My life is so dark and dreary most of the time, and it seems that more bad than good comes my way. I often wonder if I was a mistake and my father never told me. I'm guessing that I was a born with a losing hand. It seems that the almighty one had it in for me since day one. I mean, what the fuck is the point of my existence? I thought that I figured that out - apparently, I was quite wrong in thinking that. I can't even come up for a breath - every time that I do, something else happens to knock me on my ass. Maybe it's time to not get up again and just wither away into nothingness.

Reasons...
I have caused my family alot of pain and problems. I have been foolish in my financial and career decisions. I mean, why the hell would anyone go to school to become a radio disc jockey? There's obviously no future in that - everything is automated these days or via satellite. Sure, I graduated at the top of my class, but look at me now - nowhere near the business. What a waste of $10,000, eh? The sad thing is, I still owe thousands of dollars for that loan. The bad thing is, my father co-signed for me, so if something happened to me, he would be fully responsible for that. I'd hate to leave him with that burden.

Loser...
I know he loves me, but I don't know how I'd ever make up for all that he has done for me. He says it doesn't matter, but I feel it does, and I know that the rest of my siblings think less of me as well for all that I have done. I'm the black sheep of the family - the one destined for trouble, failure, etc. I'm not sure that being creative is enough to justify my existence anymore. I guess because I didn't "do the right thing," and take my SATs and go to a regular university that this makes me a loser. I guess I sealed my fate when I took that first hit off a joint. Or was I pegged when my mom died when I was three years old? I can't figure it out. Maybe it was that - when you lose a parent at a young age like that, it really fucks you up. One doctor even told my dad that I was mentally retarded. Maybe they should have kept me on ritalin, and confined in those special education classes. Life may have been at least a little easier then. Then again, maybe not.

Self-Pity...
Now, I know what you are thinking, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life!" At this point in time, I can't help but truly feel the way that I do. I'm running out of rope - there is just enough to hang myself, and maybe that's the solution. I'm tired of pretending that it's getting better. I'm only fooling myself, and others around me. All I can seem to do at this moment is to focus on the pain, and any solution to get rid of it. I guess I'm taking the easy way out. I was never good at taking on challenges - they bring on incredible amounts of panic, anxiety, and fear within me.

Hypocrite...
I guess I can talk the talk, but not walk the walk. Therefore, that makes me a hypocrite. Call me what you will - coward, loser, crybaby, wimp, wuss, pansy, etc. If it makes you feel better, then do so. Throw stones at me, rotten tomatoes, whatever. I don't care. So much for being a visionary...

Negativity...
If you choose not to frequent this blog anymore, I understand. I mean, who wants to hear from someone who nearly always feels "woe is me?" That gets old after a while, doesn't it? Some friends have stopped talking to me as well, and I believe that this is why. I can't blame them if they feel that way. Negativity is like a poison that kills everything in its path. Hopes are dashed, and positivity is decimated, only to be replaced by hopelessness, helplessness, and despair.

Thank you, dear friends - I truly hope you will understand.

Rudy
by Supertramp

Rudy's on a train to nowhere, halfway down the line
He don't wanna get there, but he needs time
He ain't sophisticated, no well-educated
After all the hours he's wasted, still he needs time
He needs time - he needs time for livin'
He needs time - for someone just to see him
He ain't had no lovin' for no reason or rhyme
And he whole world's above him
Well it's not us thought he's fat
No there's more to it than that
See he tries to play in school
Wouldn't be nobody's fool
Rudy thought that all good things comes to those what wait
But recently he could see that it may come too late
All thought your life, all thought the years
Nobody loved, nobody cared
So dim the light, dark are your fears
Try as I might, I can't hold back the tears
How can you live without love, it's not fair?
Someone said give, but I just didn't dare
What good advice are you waiting to hear?
Hearing's alright for them that's all there
You'd better gain control now
You'd better show 'em all now
You'd better make or break now
You'd better give and take now
You'll have to push and shove now
You'll have to find some love now
You'd better gain control now
Now he's just come out the movie
Numb of all the pain
Sad but in a while he'll soon be
Back on his train...

I wonder if Rudy ever got off that train... I hope so.

Still Kicking Around!

2005-10-13T00:11:00.000-05:00

Howdy!
I'm still here, functioning almost normally. Tomorrow (today) I replace my car battery, and hopefully that will put an end to my vehicle woes, at least for a while. I am getting ready for bed, and just before I go, I will meditate for 20 minutes or so. I can say honestly that things are starting to look up again, and I see some great things happening down the road - more gigs, a possible new relationship, part-time work, and a new place to live. Right now, I think the most important things for me are:

1) Keep going to therapy (group and individual) It helps quite a bit.

2) Get back on my medication because I am obviously becoming depressed quite frequently. It was helping, and it's time to stop sabotaging myself and potential to succeed in life.

3) Practice meditation frequently and get in a routine.

4) Exercise more often - walking and maybe even jogging!

OK - that's enough stuff for now! I don't want to overwhelm myself. It's best to do a little at a time. For now, it's off to my bed...ZzZZZzZZZ

Good Night, Everyone!

Everything but Nothing....

2005-10-10T07:17:00.000-05:00

I have lots to say, but my thoughts are muddled at the moment. Lots of sadness... I don't think "woe is me," I just need to find a "handle" to grab onto. The first thing I will probably address is relationships. More later. This song IS me right now.

Wouldn't It Be Good
by Nik Kershaw

i got it bad
you don't know how bad i got it
you got it easy
you don't know when you got it good
it's getting harder
just keeping life and soul together
i'm sick of fighting
even though i know i should
the cold is biting
through each and every nerve and fibre
my broken spirit is frozen to the core
don't wanna be here no more

wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes
even if it was for just one day
and wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away
wouldn't it be good to be on your side
the grass is always greener over there
wouldn't it be good if we cold live without a care

you must be joking
you don't know a thing about it
you've got no problem
I'd stay right there if it were you
i got it harder
you couldn't dream how hard it got it
stay out of my shoes
f you know what's good for you
the heat is stifling
burning me up from the inside
the sweat is coming through each and every pore
don't wanna be here no more

wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes
even if it was just for one day
and wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away
wouldn't it be good to be on your side
the grass is always greener over there
and wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care

Let's Go Back A Few Months....

2005-10-05T23:29:00.000-05:00

Rewind!
I found this, and wanted to share it with my readers. It was from a few months back:

Z:

Hey buddy! How have you been and how has life been treating you? I hope that things are going well for you. So what are you doing these days? I thought for sure that you'd end up working at ESPN or TS by now. You have such an intense passion for sports, and it shows! You and "DR" helped me learn to enjoy sports talk. I may not know much about sports statistics or little known facts, but I can certainly appreciate them more. Thank you for that.

Have you heard from anyone that graduated with us? I regret to say that I've lost touch with almost everyone. I do talk to LA on occasion. The last I heard, she's working in ____ for the local CBS station as a manager of sorts. I'm glad that she's doing well for herself. She's a good kid - bright and good-natured. She'll go far, to be sure.

I think about the fun that we had at (school). That indeed was a very special time for me. In that one year, I had felt that I had "found my calling," and that I would be a superstar. To be looked up to and respected by many was an overjoying experience for me. To meet fun
people like you and R (as well as the others) was an added plus, in addition to "learning the ropes" of radio and tv.

I still think about the day that we graduated and the emotions that were welled up inside me. Words could barely describe how I felt when I found out that you all had chosen me as the "Oustanding Broadcaster!" For the first time in my life, I had won an award and truly felt worthy of it. Believe me, I wanted to cry (tears of joy) when I found out! This meant that I indeed had a purpose in life - that I WAS capable of doing something well while enjoying it. Little did I know that this was only a part of what I had to offer.

As you may well know, I landed the gig at "TEC" through B and had a blast doing overnights - first as a board-op, then on-air. That to me was one of the biggest thrills of my life! I knew
that it wouldn't last forever, so I enjoyed it as much as I could for the time I had left there.

On January 29, 2001, at 5pm, "TEC," failed to exist anymore, and I was out of work. Unfortunately, also on that day, I lost the power to the house I was staying in. I had no heat, no light, and no electricity. Fortunately, I still had water! Nonetheless, I felt painfully depressed. I was living in GI - which is not exactly a great place to live, having been voted "Murder Capital of The World" on more than one occasion. This depression kept me almost bedridden for nearly 6 months.

I remember once the power was restored that I started working on demo tapes and sent them out like crazy. A week went by, and the rejection letters started to pour in. Each one influenced me to feel a little bit worse, and to doubt my abilities. After about the 135th one, I decided to just give up and no longer try. This totally exacerbated my condition even further, and I became as close to an invalid as you could be without actually being one.

Not many people know this - but during the time (and years prior to,) I was attending school, I was experiencing the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, better known as Manic Depression. This was the source of all my boundless energy, and flight of ideas. I could do my project, work on
someone else's, go to bed for about 3 hours, get up, go to school, stay a bit after, go work for 8 hours a day, and go home to work on another project. As my father put it, I "burned the candle at four ends." I just figured that I was just so intense and passionate about this that
it was "just the way that I am."

I remember around December of '99 that I was starting to feel upset alot of the time. I did my best to cover this up as much as I could. Some of the staff began to become concerned about me, (namely MK and MZ (instructors).) I told them what was going on, and they totally offered me their kindness and sympathy. I'll never forget them for that.

Over the past 5 years, I have struggled with jobs of several types, from factory work, to retail, to driving a delivery van. I was stricken with panic and anxiety attacks on a regular basis, in addition to bipolar disorder. I had changed medications, therapists, doctors, and the like many, many times. The last real job I had lasted 3 days, due to overwhelming anxiety attacks and a genuine fear of the job. Fortunately, I now have a source of income that is just enough to help me through a very difficult and trying time in my life. I truly believe that this in and of itself was a miracle!

As for radio, I have done alot of freelance stuff - imaging and producing shows for other stations around the globe. I started (company name) in 1999, and until recently, was a bit successful. I'm not a famous voice, but I have done stuff for stations such as (various stations,) and also helped to host an internet radio stream that has to do with radio jingles and airchecks (of course another hobby of mine,) and such.

Over time, I began to become discouraged in my abilities. I was helping my former boss at "TEC," by making IDs for his new station. It seemed that no matter what I did, he was not pleased. Eventually I just gave up and basically disappeared in the throes of depression. My belief in my abilities and creativity were basically annihilated in one fell swoop.

I can tell you that bipolar disorder will sometimes bring you to your knees spiritually, and make you hate yourself and everyone around you so intensely that you want to die. You feel as if there is no hope for you, and that's all there is to it. It's like being in a prison that you've made for yourself. You refuse to believe that you can indeed break free from all this, and that no one is there for you. You are locked up in chains - you have the key, but can't bring yourself to use it. Even though you may have many caring family members and friends, it still doesn't matter. I had a girlfriend that was willing to do everything that she could to help me. All I could do was to see the negative side of things - to criticize her housekeeping, her children, and her lifestyle. This put me at a severe disadvantage.

As a result, I sabotaged our relationship, and destroyed yet another. I ended up moving back home with my parents for a while, and that was not easy. I was still very defensive and full of hurt, anger and resentment about my past. I harbored alot of this towards my stepmother (which I'm happy to say that today, such is no longer the case.)

I moved about 3 or 4 more times after that, and ended up where I am now. There were times when I didn't make the rent in full, or at all - thinking that I would have no place to go. I remember more than a few times being on the brink of suicide, thinking that there was no hope for me, and that my purpose in life was to "get by." If it wasn't for more than a few caring friends, family members, and therapists, I would have surely taken my life. Once again, in 2002, I was taken by surprise.

Nearly three years ago, I helped to form a local band with a few great guys. The band has been through a few different line-up changes, but the core remains the same. Playing music had always been fun for me, and I had played in a few bands before, but this was different. We
actually had a goal to get out there and be known. We started playing local bars and having a great time. Several people would come up to me and tell me how much they enjoyed watching us play, or me in particular. This gave me a total feeling of bliss! I realized that I was indeed communicating with people, and I was affecting them in a positive manner. Over time, I worked more and more on my stage presence, and my overall demeanor. But the real turning point came a little while after.

We would frequent a local restaurant on Friday nights for their local "Jam Night," so that we could get some gigs. We did get more than a few, but then a really great thing happened. The band that was hosting the jam night wasn't able to do it anymore, so we were asked if we
would like to do it. We agreed, albeit reluctantly, and with the stipulation that it was for only a few weeks. I was petrified, mortified, and stupified in every sense! I mean, at the time, we could barely hold together a set, let alone play songs that none of us knew! What would happen if we failed? Nonetheless, we did it anyway. I'm happy to say that it's the best "mistake" that we've ever made!

Fast forward to 7 months later, and here we are, still doing it! What I thought was going to be the most dreadful of experiences at first, turned out to be one of the best things that happened in my entire life! I have sat in with so many people that I can't count them all! I play bass, and not many jammers bring a bass player. As a result, I was asked to sit in nearly every Friday for at least one band. I took advantage of my keen ear and learned many songs "on the fly," which is a blast! This has also helped me to gain confidence in my ability to sing and play again. I find myself playing guitar or bass, and singing lead vocals quite a bit. My dad says that I need to start playing solo acoustic gigs so that I can make a little money on the side. This is a goal of mine that I'm steadily working towards.

Amidst all this, I had reached an all-time emotional low in my life. If I wasn't playing, I was miserable. I was addicted to the internet, and too entrenched in my own worries to care at all about anyone else. That hopeless feeling started to really permeate me, and so I thought of
injuring myself to "free the pain" and have a sense of control. I am happy to say that I never acted upon those urges, but they were very real. I started to read some self-help books and listen to audio books, as I had done in the past. I listened intently, but nothing seemed to
help - it just wouldn't sink in.

But on July 17,2005, I came to terms with myself. I realized what I was doing all wrong in my life - I was TAKING IT ALL TOO SERIOUSLY! I believed that everything was "life and death," and that everything in my life (or lack thereof,) was contingent upon my life. Once I LET GO of this belief, things really started to change for the better. All I needed to do was to change my approach! Instead of being impatient, I would ask myself if this was really that important, and remind myself of the things that I have been through in the past. I didn't look at them as negative aspects, rather that I was able to survive and keep on going through the storm. I thought of other people who have been in much worse situations, rose from the ashes, and had become the successes that they are today. This alone was a great inspiration, and drove me to push myself even harder.

As a result of this constant exposure to all this positive motivational material, it began to seep slowly into my life, and eventually started spilling back out as well! Once I found out that this worked for me, I began to tell others, through support group meetings, conversations with friends, and in my blog. Once again, people came up to me and told me that they honestly tried these strategies, and that they did indeed work for them! This of course brought a feeling of joy that I cannot describe. It's truly magical, and I've never felt it in my life! I discovered my mission in life!

This helped me arrive at a very important question in my juncture - WHAT IS MY MISSION IN LIFE? The answer came back rather quickly - TO COMMUNICATE, TOUCH THE LIVES OF OTHERS, AND TO HELP THEM ANY WAY THAT I CAN! Earlier, I had been doing this, through radio and playing music, but failed to see this. To be an entertainer/media personality is to reach out to people - to let them know that THEY EXIST, THAT THEY DO MATTER! This approach helped to make it even more enjoyable a thousandfold! What a difference one little (or not so little) change can make in your life!

Along the way, I have written quite a bit in my journals. I have used them as a form of therapy to help me through those trying times. Sometimes I would let others see what I wrote, and they would tell me how much they enjoyed reading it. It was then that I realized I truly have a flair for writing - to create an image that would put them in the "story," experiencing what I was going through. When someone says, "I know what you mean - I could feel how you felt," that really hits home. The pen is indeed mightier than the sword!

So, by now you've probably guessed that I intend to do alot of writing as well. Absolutely! I find it very therapeutic, as well as enjoyable, not only for myself, but for others as well. A friend of mine (who also deals with Bipolar Disorder,) and I are going to be collaborating on a book in the very near future. It will be a unique perspective of the disease, coming from two different viewpoints and walks of life. Meetings are in the works, and we will soon embark upon our journey. I am totally looking forward to it!

Z - I'm sorry if this all sounds like some sort of blatant sales pitch, but it's truly not. I just have a natural habit of writing in this manner. Trust me, this isn't a form letter! I'm just very
passionate and honest - sometimes it can take a while to say something, even a simple hello! I know that we have lost touch over the years, and now we can make up for lost time. Maybe sometime we could call each other, just to talk about old times, and things going on within our
lives. I think that would be alot of fun, don't you agree?

I sincerely apologize for the time that this letter may have taken from your day. I know that you have a life of your own to lead, and that it's probably full of events that consume your time already. As a result, I would like to thank you for having taken the time, consideration, and genuine concern to read this. It was great hearing from you, and if there is anything that I can do to help you, please let it be known, and I will genuinely do my best to lend a hand. Hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,

Dan

Unfortunately, I have yet to receive a reply from him. I wonder if the letter freaked him out or something. Oh well....

Time For A Change?

2005-10-05T17:46:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's time to change my way of living completely - to give up everything and start over completely. Right now, Amish life looks appealing. They aren't greedy, they do what they need, and they get by just fine. They don't fall victim to the capitalist scum of this country and give in on command. They just drive their horse and buggies, taking their time as they go.

To hell with progress - it just impedes my way!

Guess I'd better grow a beard then....

When The World Is Running Down...

2005-10-05T14:35:00.000-05:00

Where To Begin...
Well, I definitely need to write today, in order to vent properly. I am somewhere between seething rage and pure apathy. Why is this, you ask? It's not because of just one thing, but several. This weekend (specifically Sunday) was just HORRENDOUS! Oh, there were a few good things, but the bad just seemed to outnumber the good. I'm trying to be optimimstic, really, but in this instance, I don't foresee that as a possibility.

Friday
Had the usual jam night, and it was not too bad - that is until I sat in with a guy that I know. He's a real pro, and keeps everyone on their toes. As I was playing, I started to lament about my sloppy and scratchy rhythm playing, and that just made me feel worse. At the end of the night, I really didn't want to pick up my guitar for at least a few days. Everyone else did their best to keep me from feeling that way, but it didn't do much. Oh well...

Saturday
Not much happened really. I just sat around and listened to some music, and became basically lethargic. I talked to a few friends on the phone, and went to bed.

Sunday
Phase One...
Here's where things took a turn for the worst. I go to the benefit gig at 11am, and NOTHING IS SET UP! By this, I don't mean my band's gear, but I mean tables, chairs, tents, food, etc. We end up having to help set everything up. Gee, so much for that 1pm start time! When we are setting up, my drummer informs me that he didn't bring my larger amp in the van. I make a call and my buddy brings his out on the spot, and doesn't bother to tell me that he had things to do earlier in the day. This gets him in trouble with his wife, and that's a shame. He was going to sit in with us during the show, but thought it was later on in the day. *Sigh* He left when things got rolling, and I knew that something was not right.

Phase Two...
We were headlining this benefit, which meant we were basically hosting it. That meant we would play last. We played a benefit show about a year ago, and were the last to play on stage. As a result, hardly anyone was around to hear us, and we all felt cheated. We didn't host that one, but the guys were still bitter about it, and I still can't say that I blame them. However, the manner in which they tried to strongarm the stage was not cool at all. I saw them get into arguments with a few bands regarding "who was up next." I tried my best to just stay out of it all, as I knew I'd flip out, and fights would ensue. That's very bad for your image, to say the least, so I kept my mouth shut, as long as I could...and then...

Phase Three...
We knew earlier in the day that it was going to rain. The bar owner gave us the choice of setting up inside or outside. We chose outside, as it seemed to be a nice enough day (for the moment.) We watched The Weather Channel, and there was a 30-percent chance of showers and isolated thunderstorms headed our way. I guess we pretty much ignored the warnings and set up anyway. This proved to be our downfall. When my bandmates were arguing with the second to last band about getting up on stage before it rained, I knew it was just going to get worse. As it turns out, the last act got to play for only 30 minutes at best. When the storm closed in, I could hear my band mates complaining about it. This set me off, and I started screaming at the top of my lungs, raising my middle fingers to the heavens and screaming such stupid and unbelievable things like:

FUCK YOU! WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE AWAY FROM ME?

GO AHEAD! LET LIGHTNING STRIKE ME! I'LL TURN AROUND AND SHOOT IT BACK AT YOUR ASS!

ME AND THE MAN UPSTAIRS HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK - I'M GOING TO TALK, AND HE'S GOING TO LISTEN!

WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS RUINING OUR GIG LIKE THAT? I AIN'T AFRAID OF YOU!!!!!

JUST LOOK FOR ME ON THE WATER TOWER, MAN!

That's just a small sampling of things that I said, and some of my musical colleagues were shocked, and rightfully so. They didn't believe that I could say such things - neither did I. Inside, I was truly hurting and instead of crying, I turned it into full-on rage, which didn't do much of anything for me. I guess at least I got the emotion out of my system. On a positive note, the members of the previous act were nice enough to stick around and help us tear down. I was glad for that, believe me. Thirty minutes later, I was feeling much better.

Jam Night To The Rescue!
I was told that they were having their usual jam night inside the bar, and that it started in about an hour-and-a-half. Suddenly, I felt relieved, and was eager to play to make up for the loss. However, my drummer and guitarist had other ideas. They were still very bitter, and just left without giving it a thought. My vocalist, his wife, and I stuck around - we talked about things that needed to change, and how to implement some new ideas. It was a productive session, for a spur-of-the-moment thing.

Broken...
The jam night started, and eventually it was our turn to play. We decided to open up with "Crossroads," and the instant I hit the A string on my bass, it broke! I kept going, and played the whole song on the E string. There's nothing like flying by the seat of your pants! I borrowed the other guy's bass and got through it. I had a great time, and decided to stick around for more, after the bassist approached and complimented me. I thought to myself, "sure, what the heck. After the day I've had, I deserve to have a good time!" Again, I approached the stage and had a good time.

Time To Go...
I glanced at my watch and noticed that it was 12:30am. I thought that I'd better get going. I said my goodbyes and headed out to my truck. I climbed in, turned the key, and the starter began to get slower.....and slower.......and slower......and...s-l-o-w-e-r....until....Click, click. I went back into the bar, and asked anyone I could for a jump. One of the guitarists of the band was happy to help, and did his best to help me. We thought that the battery needed a jump, so we tried that. No such luck. He apologized and went on his way.

Try Another Approach...
I went back into the bar, got some change, and called my roomies. As I was on the phone with one, the other started complaining about what time it was..."Why did he wait until 1 in the morning to call us?" This of course set me off, and I yelled into the phone...

"YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST FORGET IT!"

I hung up the phone, and walked back into the bar. The bartender could see that troubled look in my eyes, and asked me what was wrong. I explained my situation to her. Right next to was the bass player, and he offered to help me. At the same time, the bartender was looking for a cab for me so that I could at least get home. She was willing to "float a loan," so that I could do this. The bass player said to give him a few more minutes and he would help. I waited patiently and we made our way outside. He tried to jump start as well, and to no avail. We both noticed that the positive battery was very corroded, and I took note of that as well. Eventually, he offered me a ride, and I packed up my guitars and climbed in his Jeep. Again, this is where things got better...

A Local Legend...
We spoke quite a bit during those 35 minutes. I asked him alot of questions and for advice. He was glad to discuss in depth with me, offering tips that are very valuable. He helped me to see things a little differently in music. He's a well-respected, well-known blues musician, and comes from a very musical family. I never realized just how close by he lived to me, and this blew my mind! I has said on more than one occasion in the past that I had wanted to go up to that jam night and meet him. Now I had my chance, albeit through a very unusual set of circumstances, but hey, I'm not complaining!

Foolishness...
I feel foolish and awful for the way I had acted during the benefit gig. I realize that I had totally lost my composure, and let my emotions (and everyone else's) influence my thoughts. I feel that I have much apologizing to do, and I can accept that. I have to somehow "make it right." I guess in some circles, this would be called "repent." I have indeed sinned.

The Saga Continues...
All that having been said, I'm still a little frustrated. I went back to the truck yesterday, thinking that if I replaced the bad battery terminal, it would solve the problem. Nothing could have been further from the truth. After messing with it for about 2 hours, I decided that the starter was out, and that it needed to be replaced. I called around today pricing starters, and found that they were quite a bit more than what I'd expected. This set me off again, naturally. This time because even with the money that I have at the moment, I still don't have enough to replace it. I hate borrowing money from other people. I have a long line of debt as it is, so I don't need any more to tack on to it.

Walking Away...
Right now, I really want to just walk away from it all. I want to just pour gasoline all over the truck and let it burn, and eventually explode into nothingness. I just feel like things are being taken away from me, left and right. Right now, being an optimist would be nothing short of a miracle, as I don't seem to get time to recover from each blow. I know a way out, but it's not the right way out. I don't dare mention it, as that would mean I'm totally backing away from life.

Options...
I'm not even sure that meditation would help me out of this mess. I've had several offers for drugs and alcohol, and believe me, I am considering them as a viable option. Just numb all the pain and frustration, at least for the short term. Once again, I'm not talking logically, and I know this. I just get so consumed by the emotion at any moment. With me, it's not just a feeling in my mind, it's a feeling in my entire body, almost to the point of being sick physically. How's that for "overreating?"

Maybe if I play a country record backwards, I'll get everything back that I lost? Is it worth a try?

Leaving The Shelter of Sorrow...

2005-09-28T19:30:00.000-05:00

Return...
Well, I guess you could say that I am officially back. Admittedly, these past few weeks have been a challenge, and I haven't always been able to maintain that "mindset" that I recently discovered. You can't just shut off feelings that bother you - they come back ten thousand-fold! In addition, several events have popped up, and I let myself get surprised and overwhelmed by them. The emotions were powerful, and I chose to submit to them.

This Hurt...
One of the events was finding out that my ex-girlfriend is getting married in about a week. She never told me, and I think that's what hurt. We have occasional contact from time to time. We parted on good terms, which helps tremendously. Admittedly, I still have feelings for this woman, and when I found out through other sources instead of her, that really hurt. All I could bring myself to do was to sit in my room and listen to obscure music by bands such as Gong, Henry Cow, and the like. It was the perfect soundtrack to dreariness - the feeling of "what might have been."

Drink Up...
As you may have guessed, I did drink a little wine as well. I thought that a drink or two would help just a bit - instead, it gave me an anxious feeling, and a chill ran up and down my spine. This exacerbated that fearful feeling even more, getting me to the point of not leaving my bed for while. It was like being depressed, but not nearly as bad as it could have been.

Anger...
Anger has been making an appearance in my life once again lately - I exploded on my roomie and accused him of not doing the dishes, when in fact he had. I nearly ripped the stereo out of my car because it wouldn't eject a favorite tape, and had a few other "episodes." In the aftermath of the rent supposedly going up first $300 and then $400 dollars more, I began to get irritated with little things, and fell right back in the groove of rage and fury. This time I realize that it's not really rage - it's just that I'm highly irritated and frustrated. I wish no violence in these escapades, so that's a start. I guess even though I feel I slipped back a bit, I am still making progress with my issues of daily living. I give myself a little pat on the back for that.

Meditation...
My therapist has been working with me to meditate more often. I need to do it more than a few times a day at this stage in my life - 3 to 5 times a day would seem to be appropriate. I love the feeling that I get afterwards! The calmness and serenity are priceless, and better than any drug I've tried using. I told my therapist that I wished the feeling could last, but that I found myself getting distracted and falling back again. She said that I need to breathe deeply much more often. I totally agree. In order to keep this mellow feeling alive, whenever I go for a drive, I try to listen to calm music; preferably jazz. Rock and roll just gets me too pumped up, and I know that when I'm "pumped up," my irritability factor goes off the scale. Of course, this makes sense. Maybe I could become a Buddhist monk or something? Perhaps the simple life is where it's at.

Here I Am...
Well, now I'm just sitting here in a Jimi Hendrix tie-dye and sweats, wondering what I could do tonight. I don't believe there is practice, as we have a gig on Saturday, and we don't have practice during the week we have gigs. I would like to go out, but I am feeling anxious and slightly paranoid. I guess that I look like a hypocrite to some degree after the past few months, eh? I was never "cured," and I knew that - and I never meant to give anyone that impression. I simply discovered a few things, and applied them when I was feeling good. It's easy to do that when things are going well - it's the time when they are not that it counts the most.

Decisions...
Despite all this, I am going to make a few decisions that are important at this juncture in life. I have decided that I am indeed going to get a place of my own - just a nice little studio apartment that I can spread out in. I need a place that I can call home, and not feel that I am imposing on anyone else. This would also do wonders for my sense of priorities and responsibility - to get motivated would be more than a bit easier. Another positive aspect would be that I could keep it nice and orderly, cleaning on a regular basis. I can only live in a mess for a short time before I have this overwhelming urge to clean it up. Right now, I feel like a teenager living at home again, as there are chores that need to be done, and they are delegated accordingly. At first this didn't bother me, but as time goes on, it is annoying.

But...
I know that this will involve finding at least a part-time job - that I don't have a problem with. I just know that music is first and foremost in my life. I am serious when I say that I will forego alot of the luxuries in life to be able to do what I like. This means that I won't be taking a job that is full-time, nor will I be willing to work any and all hours that they ask. I'll give them 25 hours a week, and that's it. The point is, I'm not going to be a "company whore," just to get by. If they don't like it, I'll just find something else. It all works out somehow. I'm just so tired of this "I have to" attitude that most people have. They are passive, give up on their dreams, and end up doing something they regret for the rest of their lives (aka a "real" job.) I've regretted enough already - now it's time to change that, and do the things that I truly want to do.

Why?
Why you ask is it that I am so inflexible regarding a work schedule? Because I feel that music is my life, and if that is taken away, I won't have much to live for. I have been blessed with this immense talent, and I intend to use it to its fullest potential. I'm not the typical, "Oh, this is just a hobby on the weekends," kind of guy - not by any means. This means that I'll be working in the day time (oh, God...) and playing at night. Maybe not every night, but quite a few. Sure this is alot of work, but I ENJOY it! I am able to find ways to inject excitement into this, after all it is my passion, my livelihood and lifeblood.

Artist...
I consider myself an artist in every sense of the word, and I will forego alot of material luxuries so that I can accomplish my goals. I have friends who have connections with theaters and stage crews - maybe I'll look there first. I owe it to myself to look for work that is related to what I enjoy and have knowledge in. The days of just taking any job are over - plain and simple. I have learned to be very minimalist in regard to needs. To "learn to do without," seems to go with the territory of being a "starving artist." I remember losing my electricity a few years back and not being able to afford to have it turned back on. I lit some candles, grabbed my portable black and white TV, sat at my dinner table watching X-Files while putting together a model car. I knew that somehow things would end up okay again. In a few days, everything turned around, and life took a turn for the better.

I CAN Make It!
The point is, I can make it - if I have to stretch my money to make it last longer, that's fine. I can live off food from the "generic" stores - twenty dollars buys me more than enough food for the week, with enough left for some snacks as well. Clothing that is cheap yet well made is pretty easy to find at outlet stores, so that's not a problem either. The only things I will need to keep in mind is utilities, rent, insurance, etc. I have financial aid and medical expenses, but those will have to wait. I guess to the average American I live in poverty, because I don't have those "things" that they do, nor do I have a line of credit. Anyway, it's all going to work out somehow. Sometimes I feel like a sort of survivalist who can make it through times that would devastate many people. True, I was pretty freaked out during those times - I won't deny that. I will say this - now that I have been through those times, I know pretty much what to expect, and the initial reaction won't be nearly as bad. Maybe I can even apply more than a few techniques that I've learned! Anyway...

Time To Go...
Well, I figure that it's time to get up out of this chair, and see just what I want to do with the rest of my evening. Maybe I'll go up to the restaurant and hang out, or I'll call some friends. Maybe I'll sit and tweak with my mixer some more and see what great sounds I can get from it. Even though I feel "yucky," I'm going to do something either productive or entertaining. Hmm...a DVD of some funny movie would be nice...

Over to you...

I Wish I Knew What To Say...

2005-09-25T22:35:00.000-05:00

I'm still having a mental block - the thoughts are there, but won't come out. I don't feel that I can effectively put them down in an organized manner. Just listen to "The Wall" by Pink Floyd, and imagine the character is me instead of our hero, Pink. That will give you some insight.

Goodbye Blue Sky
byPink Floyd

Hey mommy
There's an airplane up in the sky

Ooooooooooooooooh
Did you see the frightened ones?
Did you hear the falling bombs?
Did you ever wonder
Why we had to run for shelter
When the promise of a brave new world
Unfold beneath the clear blue sky?
Did you see the frightened ones?
Did you hear the falling bombs?
The flames are all long gone
But the pain lingers on
Goodbye blue sky
Goodbye blue sky
Goodbye

Poking My Head In...

2005-09-23T14:58:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm still alive, and I'm doing not too bad. I still have my blah days, but that comes with the territory. I have much to do today - maybe I'll post a little later when I get home. Thanks for checking in!

Still Here...

2005-09-19T12:01:00.000-05:00

I'm still around, and I'm not giving up cold turkey - instead, I need to practice moderation. It would make life more than a little easier to deal with. I guess not having that facility goes with the territory of being bipolar?

I have ideas in my head right now, but they are all mixed up - I can't think clearly just yet. Perhaps I'll try something later. Thanks for checking up on me. I hope that good things are happening in your lives, and will continue to do so.

Options...

2005-09-13T13:28:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to think that I need to get away from computers and the internet again. It's obvious to me that I have no self-discipline with them, and that doesn't help establish a sense of structure within my life. This means I am fully responsible and need to have more control over my actions.

I think that I need to get my life back together first before spending countless hours doing basically nothing but sitting here at this desk. This of course does nothing for depression either.

I am not 100% sure yet, but I might just turn this thing off for a while. Sure, it's nice to be able to communicate with people from far away, and the internet radio stations are great, but they are not a necessity for survival. Having a life with structure and self-discipline is essential, if I'm going to get better anytime soon.

Maybe I'm being too extreme again. I know that I have a habit of doing that continuously (it's either one way, or the other, and nowhere in between.) I'd like to think that I could balance and control my "insane impulses," or at least reduce the intensity of them. To be able to do that would be the greatest thing for me in my life, right now.

Sometimes I wonder, "why am I doing this? Is it really doing anything for me anymore? Wouldn't it be better just to write in my journal?" I know that this would sadden some of you if I decided not to do this anymore. I just realize that my intentions are alot different than other folks, and sometimes I feel that my blog is inferior to others. I don't have any fancy color scheme to catch your eye, just the true sincerity of what I write. Sometimes it's truly heartfelt; and other times it's rage-filled rambling. And others it's just plain nonsense, or stuff that no one understands, let alone cares about. That's okay too.

So I have to decide if I'm going to keep going...or if I'm going to fall off the face of cyber-earth. Thank you for your time in reading my posts, and for the comments. It's nice to know that people are indeed "listening."

Goodwill Bargains!

2005-09-12T17:32:00.000-05:00

All Spiffed Up...
I came back from an interview today and stopped off at the local Goodwill store. I'll admit, the way I was dressed would indicate that I wouldn't even dream of shopping there! I looked more like a business man on a casual day. But I went in anyway. I looked around for a bit - heading straight to the computer stuff.

My Secret's Been Discovered!
It seems now that everyone knows that you can buy good computer stuff at the Goodwill store really cheap! Most of the stuff doesn't come with drivers, but that's ok - you can usually get them off the net somewhere for free. I did come across one neat thing - A Sony MTS Stereo TV sound tuner for $6.00. This thing was state-of-the-art back in the days when Stereo television was just coming into being! I didn't buy it, but I'm sure that I"ll come back for it. It's not something that I need, since my TV, VCR, and media center PC have MTS Stereo sound anyway. But for six bucks... I guess that I'll go pick it up tomorrow...

Other Things...
I looked amongst the books they had - some pretty good stuff, if you're looking for cheap college textbooks. I almost picked up one on calculus - I never took that in school, so I guess that I'm a little curious about it. I looked through the records section and found nothing exciting - Frankie Laine AGAIN!* I turned around and looked at the CDs...nothing. Then I started looking at videocassettes, and tucked in there was an unopened audiobook - Making Peace With Your Past: The Six Essential Steps To Enjoying A Great Future by Harold Bloomfield, M.D. Naturally, I'm a sucker for personal development and self-help stuff, especially audiobooks! I grabbed it before anyone else could get it - not that there were people fighting over it...(ha)

"One Oh Six, Please."
I noted that the price of cassettes was 75 cents, and took it up to the counter. The clerk looked at it, and before she could answer, I said, "It's an audiobook, but I don't know how many cassettes are in it," to display my honesty. She saw that it contained four tapes, and rang it out as one anyway! So technically, it was supposed to be three dollars, instead of one! Yeah, yeah I know - big deal! The point is, it appeared that this thing was never opened. Actually, it was at one time, but still....one dollar for an audiobook is a heck of a deal in my opinion.

Going Back...
Oh, you can be sure that I'm going back to get that Sony tuner - I can't pass that up! They are a rare find, and it's something else that I can hook up to my studio mixer. I have an empty outlet on my power strip, so why not? I can use it until analog TV becomes obsolete in.....keep dreamin' FCC! It ain't gonna happen!

F-R-A-N-K-I-E (help!)
*Over the course of one day, I have heard THREE Frankie Laine songs! These were on Webradio Goldenflash - a station located in Belgium. Note: They broadcast in Dutch, and you won't hear much English, except for the music. Looks like I'm going to make that internet radio blog after all...

Kill This Pain...Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy and alcohol. Cocaine.

2005-09-11T16:26:00.000-05:00

So many alternatives to choose from. I guess since I ran out of Lamictal, it's back to "other" things... Maybe lithium would be a good thing...hmm

Time To Hide Again...

2005-09-10T18:11:00.000-05:00

I think that it's time to go hide in my cave again, and not come out for a couple of days... take care.

Pentium I + 200mhz + 96MB RAM + 245MB HD Space = Intense Frustration!

2005-09-10T12:46:00.000-05:00

I Can't Do It!
I've made a decision - I just can't do this "equation" anymore. I am grateful to be back online, but I'm also growing more and more frustrated as days go by. I was fine at first - but as I started to slowly add programs and ease into my normal demand of the PC, it let me know on no uncertain terms that it was going to take its own sweet time. Average startup time is about 5-7 minutes - It's almost like having to wait for the vacuum tubes to warm up in my old guitar amp! Maybe I should make breakfast beforehand - toast, eggs, whatever. I'm growing too impatient, and I do let myself get caught up in the moment. Fortunately, I haven't hit the thing. I have grumbled a little here and there (and yelled a few times,) but that's about the seriousness of the extent.

Random Thoughts...
In the meantime, I sit here trying not to think about the stupidity of the my government. The more that I read and hear, the angrier I become. I sure picked one hell of a time to try to be optimistic, eh? Let's put it this way - if there was just an army of similar thinking folks, oh, a hundred thousand or so, things would be different in Washington. It would have become a war zone and these so-called leaders would be thinking much differently. Emphasis would be place on non-violent approaches to the situation, and anytime brutal force was used, that would be put in the spotlight for all to see.

Bullies...
I can't stand the strong-arm tactics that the government uses to get its way, especially at the moment. You know, as far as I'm concerned, Randy Weaver had every right to do what he did at Ruby Ridge. I hate hearing about so-called "stand-offs," even just for the simple fact that someone refuses to leave their house. I'll also say this much - if I were involved in one of these debacles, I'd only hurt the ones who tried to hurt me, no one else. I HATE bullies, and will stop at NOTHING to STOP them - period. Ask anyone who messed with me in high school - they'll tell you.... (sigh)

The Anger Has Awakened...
I have basically moved from feeling depressed to feeling angry. I know that I have anger issues, and I need to channel them properly, but I can't wanting to take a humvee with tank tracks and march through Washington...not sure what else yet, but when I do, I'll let you know. I'd like to think that there is a better solution to the problem - however, I'm not sure of this yet. I do know that sitting here with a half-hatched plan is not exactly productive. I'm just spinning my wheels and going nowhere fast. I think that's what feeds this feeling as well.

Multiplication...
I also realize that the anger is partly because I associate my past with the present, and it all becomes mixed. I've told many people (therapists, doctors, and friends,) that when I get angry, everything that hurt me in my past comes out, right there and then. It's as if everything is happening at once, and an ungodly rage overcomes me. My personality does a complete 180-degree shift, and the word KILL appears in front of me, larger than life - three-dimensional in blood-red with blood trickling down the sides, as if it forced itself through the sensitive fabric of my sanity.

Simple...
For me, this is enough. I don't want to know how bad someone else thinks about when they get angry - that's not the point here. This is how I view it, and I believe that is graphic enough. I honestly don't want to get to that point anymore. I have no need for it, really. It was a survival mechanism. I don't need it anymore - the wolves aren't attacking me. I don't have to fight for my life anymore. It's over and done.

The Fact Remains...
I am still very dissatisfied with the way that things are being handled - yet I don't know the solution to this problem. I do think that strength is in numbers, and if all of us would just stand up and say...

"Ahem...you folks in Washington are forgetting one minor detail - we elect you and we are YOUR bosses. Therefore, wouldn't you think it appropriate if you took action in a manner that is consistent with the beliefs of the people, NOT with what YOU and your cronies believe? Fail to do this, and you will be out of a job - simple as that. Do we make ourselves clear? I thought so. Thank you - you may go about your duties now."

A Marked Target...
Of course, you know now that someone has read this, reported me, and they are on their way to pick me up, because I am a POTENTIAL threat to our state of living. What's that? I'm a terrorist? An enemy of the state? You know, if that's the case, I may as well put up that nice tower in the back yard, go back on the air, and say what is on my mind all the time - just like Stephen Dunifer did on Radio Free Berkley, and Tom Valentine did on Radio Free America.

Think!
Just remember this - if I ever do get to the point in my life where it does become a stand-off, it WILL make the history books. I promise you that. So go ahead - waste billions of dollars watching me and my every move, you three letter government agencies. See how happy that makes the taxpayers when they find out that you've been wasting all that time and money chasing some harmless little freak who was only out to improve his life, until your fellow agencies and fearless leader decided to try and sabotage it. Just think about it. Oh, by the way - I've changed my mind. I've decided to express my thoughts in a song. Take it away, Zack!

Know Your Enemy
By Rage Against The Machine

Huh!
Yeah, we're comin' back then with another bombtrack
Think ya know what it's all about
Huh!
Hey yo, so check this out
Yeah!
Know your enemy!

Come on!

Born with insight and a raised fist
A witness to the slit wrist, that's with
As we move into '92
Still in a room without a view
Ya got to know
Ya got to know
That when I say go, go, go
Amp up and amplify
Defy
I'm a brother with a furious mind
Action must be taken
We don't need the key
We'll break in

Something must be done
About vengeance, a badge and a gun
'Cause I'll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
I was born to rage against 'em

Fist in ya face, in the place
And I'll drop the style clearly
Know your enemy...Know your enemy!
Yeah!

Hey yo, and dick with this...uggh!
Word is born
Fight the war, fuck the norm
Now I got no patience
So sick of complacence
With the D the E the F the I the A the N the C the E
Mind of a revolutionary
So clear the lane
The finger to the land of the chains
What? The land of the free?
Whoever told you that is your enemy

Now something must be done
About vengeance, a badge and a gun
'Cause I'll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
I was born to rage against 'em

Now action must be taken
We don't need the key
We'll break in

I've got no patience now
So sick of complacence now
I've got no patience now
So sick of complacence now
Sick of sick of sick of sick of you
Time has come to pay...
Know your enemy!

Come on!
Yes I know my enemies
They're the teachers who taught me to fight me
Compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission
Ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality, the elite
All of which are American dreams (8 times)
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams

Packin' My Bags...
You know, living on an island is look more appealing all the time. I can picture it now - palm trees, mai-tais... Yeah - if I resort to that kind of life, things will definitely be much more peaceful, and I won't even think of doing something stupid that is against my beliefs in the first place. *sigh* I'll just keep the island "in sight," and eventually it will come to fruition. (grin) If living in this country isn't all that it's supposed to be, then maybe it's time to find somewhere else that might.

ARRRRGH!!!!

2005-09-09T15:23:00.000-05:00

It's time like these when I truly want to scream:

GET ME OFF THIS THING!

One More Thing...

2005-09-09T02:54:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...
You know, I thought of trying to "spruce up," my blog a little bit - maybe play with the template and make it look different. I might give it a try. I must warn you though; I'm not about looks, but more about content. A new look might make it more interesting. I'm not looking to jump on any bandwagon, but I have seen some great blogs, and they inspire me. I guess it's like "whose book has the bettter cover?" I dunno. Anyway, I can be the guy who uses more hyphens, commas, and semicolons than anyone else? In any case, I digress... LOL

A Little Game...

2005-09-09T02:07:00.000-05:00

Leaving The Bar...
I went out tonight after therapy group, and stopped in to see a buddy play in a small jazz ensemble. We stayed there until they kicked us out (as is normal,) and began to head to another local bar to see yet another local jazz ensemble. As I was headed down Main Street, I saw a police car spin around to follow me. It so turns that the light turned red after I went through it, and he had to stop, as this was not hot pursuit.

Parking...
I basically pulled up to the square, got out of my truck, and headed into the bar. I walked out soon after talking to the band's guitarist - he said that they had finished at 1am. My buddy had just pulled up, and I approached his car, telling him that they were done for the night. I mentioned something to him about "losing this cop that's on my tail..." and that's when it became sort of a game to me.

And Then..
Just a few minutes after that, I went back into the bar, walking out after three minutes or so. I saw that very same police car - right there at the stop sign. The officer was looking right at me. He just hesitated, waiting for a few seconds as I entered the bar. I hung in there for a few minutes, and walked outside. I noticed about 3 police cars, 2 marked, and 1 un-marked (I have issues with those, more later,) go right by me. I decided I would play it smart and walk around the square for a lap, just to give myself time, as I knew that he had gone down an alleyway, trying to be slick. Little did he know, that I could hear him "creeping around." I knew that as long as I ddin't get into my truck, I was "safe." The worst he could get me for was Public Intox, and that wasn't about to happen anyway.

Next...
Then I walked back to my truck, got in and started around the square. Everything seemed okay so far - then a light turned red. I decided rather than waiting for it to turn green, I would turn right down the nearest road...and sure enough...I see the gleaming white and blue. He turns around, and starts to tail me almost immediately. I take a left turn, already getting my registration out of the visor pack, and then the lights come on. It was so predictable.

And?
He walked up and was very pleasant. He said that I was "speeding a bit back there," and that my license plate light was out. He asked me if I had a good driving record, If I had ever been arrested before, and the usual "have you been drinking tonight?" Of course, the answers to all these questions was a polite "yes," and "no." I didn't kiss his ass, but I wasn't a jerk either. He walked back to his car for a minute or so and soon returned.

Drunk?
When he did, he asked me to blow into this tube - a breathalyzer. I agreed, and it registered zero (of course,) and he handed me back my license and registration. He politely reminded me that my license plate light was out, and just to watch my speed a little bit. I pulled away and I saw his "buddy" down the block. I laughed to myself, thinking...in spite of it all, I won this stupid little game.

I Win!
He could have given me a ticket for the license plate light being out, or speeding (I wasn't truly aware that I was speeding, to be honest.) I guess that he chose not to, because I wasn't a trouble-maker. I really don't know what to make of the situation, really. It's not a big deal, but I did see some humor involved. I did say some things to myself as I was walking the square, about being very elusive and hard-to-get. I was getting a little cocky about it all. I guess that I'm losing my touch - maybe it's just old age setting in? Or maybe it has to do with Karma?

I'll go into my un-marked police car rant tomorrow, I promise!

Nitey-Nite!

Changes In Latitudes...

2005-09-08T21:16:00.000-05:00

I've Got An Idea...
I just got home from my group therapy session, and had a great time. It is helping me take tremendous strides into socializing with people, talking about everyday things (read: small talk.) Anyway, We talked today about intimate relationships, and I aired my criteria regarding what has to happen in order to have one. I brought up points such as:

1) Music is my passion, not just a hobby; therefore anyone who thinks that I'm going to give it up for them is certifiably nuts! Period.

2) I'm not going to give it up just so that I can work a lame ass job to pay for that $300,000+ home, the SUV in the drive, or the 2.3 kids running around in the yard. Sorry, dear - it isn't going to happen. For me, happiness is not about acquiring material things - it's about discovery, challenge, and accomplishment. Material things are but a mere part of our lives. I agree that food, clothing, and shelter are indeed important, but even things such as the internet are not neccessary. They are nice to have, but I stand firm in my beliefs.

3) I'm not going to spend my life in regret because I didn't go after my calling and what I resonate with... etc

I'm not going to change for anyone, nor demean myself to please them. If they like what they see, that's great. I am who I am - take it or leave it.

Evaluation...
Upon examining these statements, the group came up with the idea that maybe I need to move to an area where it's laid-back, and the tension is not so high. Maybe staying in this area is a major cause of many of my problems. I'll admit, I toyed with the idea many times, but was too afraid to try it. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it - I now feel quite differently.

Randy...
Randy California ( famed guitarist/vocalist for the 1960s band, Spirit,) did it. He had had enough of the craziness in show biz, so he headed for Hawaii. He slept on the beaches for a while until he got on his feet. His musical ability flourished, as the natives taught him slack-key tunings on the acoustic guitar, among other things. I figure this much - if he can do it, then I can too! This doesn't mean that I MUST go to Hawaii - just somewhere that is of that nature.

What To Do?
I could play in a band, or solo acoustic shows in a resort, payment in room and board. I could do odd jobs on the side, and meet new people. A group member brought up the fact that people are much more relaxed and outgoing when they are on vacation - this in and of itself would make it quite easy, as I tend to (obviously) find it easier to socialize with them.

Music, Music, Music...
I'm sure that there would be lots of local musicians to jam with, who would be more than willing to play along. If there wasn't one already, I could host a nice jam night, and make it fun for everyone! Hell, even get the tourists involved! Let that guy from South Dakota plunk out the chords to "Margaritaville," and bellow at the top of his lungs. Sound like a plan? I think so!

R-A-D-I-O!
I could set up my studio again, and get back on the air from my residence, or even better - go work at one of the local radio stations doing on-air, production/station imaging, or whatever they need me to do. I think that would be a blast! Hey, I already know that radio doesn't pay much, usually, so that's not a factor!

Making Arts And Crafts...
I could see myself doing something like that - maybe making some hats for the tourists, or just something really cool. I used to like to whittle when I was younger - maybe I can get back into that as well.

Writing/Poetry...
I would be more than happy to write on a regular basis - whether it was for informational, educational, or entertainment purposes. I really do love to sit down, putting pen to paper (or in this case, putting fingers to keyboard,) and just going wherever it takes me. Many times that journey alone is the greatest thing that has happened in my day.

Summary...
These are just a few thoughts, and it's only the beginning. I realize that I need to take many steps in order for this to happen, but that's okay. I'm ready to get my life together and prioritize it. When the chips are down and times get hard, I'll just remind myself of how much I've gotten myself through.

Taking Charge...
I also believe that when I'm totally in charge of my life, not living under someone else's roof - totally supporting myself, then I appreciate it even more. I don't wake up with that sense of dread - I know that what I am doing is making a difference, and does have an immediate impact on me. This, in turn, creates a sense of responsibility, and helps me to keep it all under control. I haven't felt that way in 9 years - that was the last time I lived totally alone (me and my doggie.)

The Good Times...
I didn't have much monetarily, but I enjoyed every moment of it. I learned to do without alot of things, to build what I needed, and what I really enjoyed doing in my spare time. I don't ever remember coming home once saying, "I hate my job," or "I hate my life," or "I'm so poor." I remember the good times - WANK radio (my pirate radio station in an upstairs room,) band rehearsals on the terrace, listening to music loudly for long periods of time while relaxing in my recliner, and studying in complete silence - the dog laying next to me.

I would give just about anything to have that all back. Actually, I don't need it all back - I just want the feeling associated with it all. Is that too much to ask?

Questions...Comments...Suggestions?? I'm all ears!

I Am...

2005-09-08T02:44:00.000-05:00

A Child...
Imagine that you are in your childhood, sitting in a swing on the playground during recess. All the other children are playing a game together - and without you. You tried as best as you could to join in, but no one would pick you during the line-up. You were left out, laughed at, and told to get lost - so you do just that. You go into your own little world - where no one else can go. You are...

Little Neutrino

By Klaatu

(Dee Long)

Across your open mind
I trace erratic lines
In motion and in time

I fought a battle won
To the surface of the sun
Through fires on and on

It's only you
It can't be me
For I myself refuse to be
I am someone you'll never know
I am the little neutrino

Solus is not far away
It's face is brighter than a day
So don't turn me away

It's only you
It can't be me
For I myself refuse to be
I am someone you'll never know
I am the little neutrino

And now I'm passing through
The one who's known as you
And yet you'll never know I do

Note:
For those of you who frequent my blog, you'll notice that this is a second time posting these lyrics. I just feel that the song itself is so powerful, and it makes a return in my life when I hit a low point. The overall soundscape sounds tormented and painful - the words just add to it even more. If you've never heard it, I suggest you give it a listen. It will give you a very good idea of how I feel at the moment. I'm not horribly down, just a little under the weather. This too, shall pass.

"Good-night"

Early Morning Introspection...

2005-09-07T04:27:00.000-05:00

Sleep?
Well, I thought so anyway. It was simple - go to bed around 11:30pm and wake up around 8:30am. That was my plan. As almost always, I wake up anywhere from an hour to 2 hours later, not being able to go back to sleep. Sometimes I wake up anxious or full of panic, other times I'm depressed and can't see straight. I usually pick up a book and start to read...until I get sleepy (whenever that is.) Today's flavor is - Panic?

Time Passages...
3 hours later, I've read chapter 8 in Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends And Influence People, and devoured three Chapters in Andy Behrman's Electroboy. I had just started reading the former only a day ago, and found myself immersed in it - I can't seem to put it down. The Carnegie book I have been reading about a chapter a day, going back and re-reading the previous one before going on to the next. I underline key phrases that I can use. This is standard procedure in nearly any personal development text that I read. Later on, I can go back and write them in a notebook(s) for quicker future reference.

Can't See Outside...
It's so dark that I can't see outside the little windows of my basement dwelling - of course, it's 4:36am! In about an hour or so, that nasty ball of gas, otherwise known as the sun, will be emerging in the eastern sky. I have an old flannel shirt covering the porthole in my room to keep it from bleeding through and blasting into my eyes. Actually, the sun does not directly come through - it's just the daylight itself. I don't really dislike daylight, but when you don't get enough sleep during the evening, you tend to avoid it if you can. You essentially become a vampire - you feel as if you turn to dust upon exposure to daylight.

Short-Sighted?
I know that I haven't really touched on the subject of New Orleans in any of my posts. I'll admit that I don't keep up with current events too much, because of my tendency to overreact to the news. I truly can't stand to look at a newspaper - I find myself sifting through it, looking for only the things that interest me (namely Feder's column in the Sun-Times) Make no mistake - my heart goes out to those who have perished and suffered in this ordeal. I truly hope that everyone will find their way somehow and see that life can go on.

Authorities...
However, I am not pleased with the authoritarian tactics that law enforcement are using in the situation. If you've read my earlier posts, you know that I have a serious problem with authorities who abuse their power. Some of these people choose not to leave - and I truly believe that it is their choice. If they want to ride it down, then so be it. They shouldn't be told that they have to leave. I mean, come on! What are they going to do? Arrest people for not leaving? That is as absurd as an anti-suicide law! Enough said.

I Care!
Please don't mistake my inner-focused tendencies for lack of interest or concern. I may not keep up with all the events, but please know that I do care about people. I just choose not to get caught up in the emotions that are being evoked en masse at the moment. I was never one to run with the herd - nor will I ever be. Don't expect that to happen - not in this lifetime.

Writing...
I will admit that sometimes I feel that I am being less than self-effacing, with regard to my posts - it is a form of therapy. To put fingers to keyboard, or to put pen to paper is one of the ways that I combat my illness. It allows me to spread out my situation in a way that I can see it from many sides. It's very similar to an exploding diagram, and a troubleshooting list for the mind. I guess I read too many service manuals when I was growing up - they were a staple of my vast useless knowledge base! Maybe that's another book to add to the list - one full of useless facts that no one cares about...Who Cares? Just a thought.

Time To Get Some ZzZzZz...
Now it's time to go back to bed, tune in Cryosleep, and stop hyperventilating. Maybe my blood sugar will go through the roof (thanks to Apple Jacks and milk,) and I'll crash out until noon or so. I am feeling light-headed, so maybe that will help as well.

Good night/morning to all!

Disconnected...

2005-09-06T21:10:00.000-05:00

I'm sort of uninspired and anxious at the same time. I look back at my posts and question them... I'm sure that I'll be back tomorrow.

Lessons In Adroitness...

2005-09-03T14:21:00.000-05:00

a·droit (-droit)
adj.

Dexterous; deft.
Skillful and adept under pressing conditions. See Synonyms at dexterous.
Something that most people could do well with in their lives.

OK - I added that last one, I admit it. (grin)

What Does This mean?
Today, I want to address something that is a totally new concept within my life. I've never tried it before, so I'm still learning how to adapt it within my life. This is the skill of being adroit - sometimes it means being diplomatic, and other times not giving satisfaction in a derogatoory situation. Some see this as a foolish means of communication, and that you are "giving in" to the other person, and this makes you appear weak. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, you do give the other person what they want, but you also get what you want. That's the part that most people don't see. To understand this further, you need to look at the basic human psyche.

Looking Inside...
Without getting too deep or too technical, let's look at a few things. What is the first thing that we notice in general? That's right - ourselves. There's nothing wrong with that - it's a given, as we are so "close" in that respect. Whenever something is not right within our worlds, who notices first? Yep - WE DO! Okay, now just imagine looking out at a crowd of people - who do you think they are thinking about most of the time? Bingo! We are constantly aware of what we touch, taste, feel, see, think, and do. Of course! that's how we experience life - through our own eyes, and no one else's. No one thinks like we do, no one talks or walks exactly like we do, etc. This also presents problems, and for most people, and creates a myopic field of vision. They filter everything through themselves, and use that as their reference - not for one moment seeing the other person's point of view. This is where the trouble ultimately starts. Questions start to form, such as:

What about ME?

How does this affect ME?

Where is MY piece of the pie?

Is this MINE?

I ME, MINE...
No matter what aspect in life, doesn't it always come down to what it does for YOU? People say, "Well I always put my family first..." Indeed, you do, but I ask you, once again; doesn't it always come down to what it does for YOU? Who feels good when you take time with your family? YOU do! Who feels that they are a valued and respected member of society? That's right - YOU do! So you see, it IS all about you! So, the next time someone accuses you of thinking of only yourself, ask them in return, "what do you feel bringing this to my attention did for you as well?" That should make them stop and think for a minute - perhaps even catch them off-guard. You are basically throwing it right back at them. Seems like a lot of fun, eh? I think so! This type of thinking can put meddling and belittling people (e.g. in-laws, parents, etc) in their place - perhaps making them just a bit frustrated, because they didn't get the response that they wanted out of you. In this instance, you were being adroit - you didn't give the other person what they wanted, and... you managed to save face.

And The Moral Of The Story Is...
If we put aside our own thoughts and beliefs for a second, and look at the other guy's, maybe life would be just a bit easier for us. Of course, we may not readily agree with their point-of-view, but we can at least let them know that they are indeed entitled to it, and we can accept that fact. One of the worst things that we can do is to tell something that they are wrong - this initiates a defensive response. Sometimes this results in hurt feelings, and sometimes it can escalate to violence of epic proporitions. A good example would be folks who insist on committing heinous acts in the name of their creator. I truly don't believe that it didn't start out that way - they were just met with so much opposition and ridicule that it drove them to this. Of course, this in now way excuses their actions, but it does shed some light here.

Understand...
Perhaps if someone would have taken to time to understand them, and accept their beliefs, it might not have gotten that far. One of Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, is the principle of "Seek first to understand - then to be understood." This is self-explanatory. Take the time to listen to others, and then they will listen to you. Think of this as showing kindness to another person - if you are kind to them, more than likely, they will be kind to you in return. I know that this doesn't always work, but just remember this - there's always a reason why that person (or organization) is not warming up to you. Sometimes it takes a few different approaches to get the result that you want. Just ask any good sales representative - they'll tell you that.

Don't Shoot Me Just Yet!
As I said before, this is very new to me as well, so I'm "learning the ropes," as I go along. I choose not to be violent or judgemental within my life anymore, nor do I wish to get caught up in the emotion of the general consensus. I am by no means an expert - rather, I'm an enthusiastic and eager student of life. Laying down the pain of the past has done incredible things for me - allowing me to take huge strides rather quickly in human development. I am just dissmenating what I learn as I go along - if you can use it, great. If not, that's fine as well. I hold no malice towards you - perhaps what works for me, does not work for you. It's not a big deal. Really.

Being Weird...
You remember the time in school when you wanted to do something different - something that no one else would even dare to do? Did you do it? If you did, were you teased and told that you were weird? If so, how did that make you feel? I bet that you really felt out of place, isolated, hurt, or even humiliated. I can sympathize with you, because that totally resonates with me as well. I remember just being myself, and kids (and adults) would tell me that I was weird, or that I was stupid. Over time, I began to believe that weird equals bad. No matter how I tried to fit in with the others, I could never seem to do it. This began to build up very strong feelings of hurt, resentment, anger, and unfortunately, hatred. Remember Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris? Yep, those were the two kids who were involved in the Columbine massacre. It's unfortunate that this happened, but I know why it did: they felt left out and just want to be understood - to be accepted by their peers.

Undesireables?
They were considered "nerds" or "geeks" - the ones that no one wanted to be associated with. It's too bad, because I bet you that these guys were pretty damn smart, and had a hell of a future ahead of them. But to them, it wasn't enough - they weren't happy, and that ultimately says alot in the end. None of their peers seemed to want to reach out to them - to make them feel accepted. To a kid, that means more than anything else in the world. They are fighting for their own identity - ironically, they are also wanting to be accepted by their peer group. The ones that don't, feel hurt, discouraged, humiliated, etc. I was one of those kids.

You'd Better Sit Down For This...
I myself almost commited a similar act that Klebold and Harris succeeded in doing. Thankfully, it would have involved only one person - however, that one person was basically the target of several years of suffering. I had snapped, and decided that this was the only way that I would feel better. By the grace of God, a miracle happened, and I never followed through. It was a blessing in disguise. I may go into detail about this whole event in a later post. I can tell you this though - once word got around to him that I "had his number," he made it a point to apologize to me in front of several people. From then on, he left me alone and we had an understanding, albeit it was a very unconditional method of getting there.

Today...
Today, if I saw him somewhere, I would sit down and have a few drinks with him, talk about the past, and not hold any reservations - we were different people then. I would listen intently to him as he told me how his life was back then. When it was my turn, I could tell him basically what led me to that point, but not relive the emotions associated with it. Frankly, I could do this with nearly anyone I had problems with in the past. It wouldn't be easy, as our minds are so hard-wired from these experiences, and they are not able to distinguish reality from vivid imagination. However, I truly believe that I would be able to do this now. That's why I'm going to my 20-year high school reunion. I will "test" myself time and again. When someone brings up a painful memory, I'll just laugh about it, and consider it "water under the bridge." It's a shame that Klebold and Harris won't get to that point in their lives. I won't excuse them for what they did - but I won't deny that they did have feelings that were hurt somewhere down the line.

Communication...
You say that they shouldn't have overreacted to being teased or had such a low self-esteem. That is definitely something to consider. Perhaps they had trouble reaching out because of trouble communicating with their families. I'm not going to point fingers, but parents need to be extremely attentive to the sincere needs of their children. This doesn't mean always buying them the toy that they want. It means when they are showing signs of being unhappy or hurt when they come home from school, or somewhere else, you need to talk to them about it. Take five minutes out of your life to devote to genuine concern for their well-being. Better yet, make it a point to ask them how their day went EVERY day. Some good friends of mine do that during dinner - it makes for great conversation, and can open up many doors. You may discover that your child is having problems in school with teachers, peers, or just their homework. Do what you can to help them. Beware of any red flags that may pop up. This alone could help your child in more ways than you can imagine. It shows that you care for them, they are accepted and that they are LOVED! Being loved is probably the most important thing for a kid when all is said and done. Give them all the love that you can. Be involved in their lives, and give them a shoulder to cry on when they need it.

Alluding Back To...
Oh? Where was I? Oh yeah...take the time to understand the other person's point of view. Look at it from their side. Say to yourself "If I was them, how would I do this? Why would this happen?" Go as deep as you need. Your best weapon is to ask questions. Perhaps if we show the person that we are sincerely attempting to understand them, they will gracefully open up to us, offer something that they've rejected countless times in the past, or do what it is we desire them to do. Remember, it may not work the first time, so change your approach accordingly. Also, remember don't openly tell anyone that they are wrong - no one likes that.

For Those Interested...
If you want to know more about dealing with people, I strongly suggest that you take a few lessons from one of the masters - Dale Carnegie. His book, How To Win Friends And Influence People, was first published in 1936, and is still a best-seller! Some of the words used in the book, and references he uses are dated, but the principles still ring true. He says that if the only thing you gain from the book is that you learn to see the other person's point-of-view, then so be it. That, at least, is a step within the right direction. Personally, I think that Dale Carnegie's courses should be pre-requisite for anyone in public office, public safety, public ANYTHING! I will freely admit that this book alone has expanded my horizons as far as dealing with people and situations involving them. As I said before, I'm only a student - not by any means perfect, and I do slip up from time to time - such is life. However, as life unfolds, I find myself using the principles learned on a more frequent basis. As a matter of fact, before reading the book, I used the word "adroit," almost next to never. What a difference one word can make - in our lives, and in everyone elses'.

You Know The Drill...
As always, feel free to comment, grill me, or whatever. You are entitled to your opinion, but if you violate my two simple ground rules - don't insult me and don't belittle me - you have just wasted your time. Thanks for stopping by!

Just a quick note: If you think that I will get upset when you insult me, you are sorely mistaken. I will only look at that, seeing you as the true person you are. I know (and you know,) that you are truly capable of much more intelligence than what you are displaying at that time. Please, do keep this in mind.

Blogger Words?

2005-09-01T16:10:00.000-05:00

Ha!
I couldn't help but get a kick out of the random "words" that Blogger generates for its word verification algorithm. Some might even make great band names and/or logos! Ladies and Gentlemen... I give you...

THE BLOGGER BAND NAME AND LOGO GENERATOR!!!

Maybe they can make a small program out of that, and use it in the arsenal against Microsoft? Who knows? Gotta go!

Elation...and Frustration - Part One...

2005-09-01T12:14:00.000-05:00

Yay!
I was waiting at my therapist's office for my 10 o'clock appointment, upon which I spied a copy of Fortune magazine in the rack. The words "Microsoft" and "Google" appeared prominently on the cover. Inside, there was an article detailing how Bill Gates is feeling the heat from Google! I thought to myself, "Thank God! Someone has finally taken him (them) to task!"

Are You Scared, Bill?
He is apparently concerned (read: scared) that Google is going to do them in. At first, I thought, "Oh, poor Bill - what will he do now?" But then I thought to myself, "Well, this is what you get when you rest on your laurels, thinking that you had a stronghold on the market, and basking in all your glory! That will teach you!"

Just Fixing Bugs...
Not only that, Microsoft hasn't made any major advances in four years (aside from Longhorn, which keeps getting delayed on a continual basis.) They've been spending time "plugging the holes" that Windows XP, Internet Explorer, Outlook, and the rest have within them. Yes, it's a shame that some poor bastards have nothing better to do with their time than to cripple someone else's computer. Why can't they take that knowledge and put it to good use? I'm sure that Google could use people like that to help develop the software that will bring good ol' Microsoft to its knees.

And This Means...
If Microsoft isn't careful, they could find themselves being surrounded by worthy competitors. The moral of the story is: When you reach a plateau, don't think that you can stay there forever - life is about growth and change. It's constantly evolving, and you have to change with it - otherwise you end up on the scrap heap. As well-known motivational speaker Les Brown says, "You either expand, or you become expendable." Use life as a vehicle to get you to happy times, not as a security blanket. Human beings were meant to expand and grow - not to stagnate. Am I being clear?

Changes...
I could air my views about how the middle class no longer exists, and how things are being "taken away" from us, but I think that you might have a clue as to how I feel. Let me just say this much - I don't view it the same way anymore. I mean, why excel to keep the position or status that you have - Why not put forth effort to expand further? Maybe then when harder times hit, we'll be much more prepared, or it need not be that much of a concern. There's no denying that we will have times that are very trying to us. However, if we keep moving in the right direction, then there might not be as much pain.

Idealism?
I know that this is all idealistic, but it might help to apply some of that principle to all aspects of our lives. If we have a family, lets take the time to learn and grow with each other, to communicate and show that we love one another. If we are career-oriented, let's put forth the effort to excel in our duties - to become star performers and MVPs. Let's move our way up through the chain - and out of it, if we need to. You get the idea.

Oh, Don't Be Such A Pollyanna!
I also know that things are not perfect, and that we do get burned from time to time, but if we look long enough, and hard enough, we will find something good to come of it. I guess that I read Pollyanna too much, or that motivational stuff is soaked in my brain. Regardless, I truly want to have that kind of attitude, and not be caught up in the "mood du jour," like many folks appear to be. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not seeing the billboards that say "IT'S DOWN TO BE DOWN!" or "THERE IS POSITIVE IN THE NEGATIVE!" Has anyone seen these? Here's one, "HOLD YOUR HEAD DOWN - THAT WAY YOU CAN SEE YOUR SHOES!" Yes, I know - cornball is they may seem, I believe that they do exist (on some plane.)

To be continued...

Burning The Midnight Oil...

2005-09-01T00:38:00.000-05:00

Light A Candle?
Perhaps? Do you like the scent of lavender candles? - they seem to relax me, and in two ways. First, the aroma that fills the air is quite pleasant. It just adds a sweetness to the stale air in my room. Second, the flickering light is something to focus on during meditation. The flame can represent that goal that I'm working towards - an overall better life in mental, physical, and spiritual aspects. The more "air" that I supply to the candle, the longer and stronger that it will burn.

A Far-Fetched Theory...
Try this one on - maybe the flame is our life and how we perceive it to be? Perhaps the wax represents our bodies, subjected to time - as the candle burns, the wax melts down further, a representation of years gone by. If the candle is balanced properly, and has enough oxygen, it will burn quite well, and last a long time. However, if the wick is bent, or the surface it happens to be on is not level, that can create some problems. It won't burn properly and evenly - it might burn down one side much quicker than the other (and the wax builds up in a strange manner.) The wick will slide down further at that angle, which causes the flame to contort to it in an unhealthy manner. In turn, this causes the flame to flicker incessantly - after a while this is not exactly soothing to the eyes.

Does This Make Sense?
Remember, this is all just a theory, so don't take me to task yet! Maybe someone beat me to it? I wonder if Deepak Chopra, or anyone who deals in holisitic medicine, has thoughts regarding this. If so, enlighten me, as I'm too tired to google anything tonight. I think that this comes from more "stream of consciousness," styles of writing. It's like improvising musically. You just go on a whim and keep running with it. Somehow, it all ends up working out in the end. Hey, it worked for the Grateful Dead, Phish, and String Cheese Incident - why not for anyone else? Anyway, going off on tangents is one of my greater gifts, but it also can get me into trouble. More on this later...

Thank You!
For now, it's off to bed before it gets too late. Tomorrow is slated for individual and group therapies. I will plan for this as well. Thank you for taking the time to read my weblog. I am touched by your interest and concerns. Without a doubt, I will be sure to return the favor.

Having Trouble Sleeping?

2005-08-31T00:38:00.000-05:00

If you are, you might want to try listening to a few of these streams.

Bluemars has 3 different "channels" to choose from, my favorite being Cryosleep. This one relaxes me and knocks me out rather quickly. I highly recommend it.

The Drone Zone is another great station you can check out. It can be found at the SomaFM website. They have many great stations to choose from - I find myself listening to Groove Salad quite a bit during the day.

Ambience...
I've always liked ambient music and was drawn to it at an early age. The band that started it all for me was Tangerine Dream. They were pioneers of the genre. Brian Eno is also one of my favorite ambient artists - he's basically considered the father of the movement.

Boring?
The average listener may feel that the music is repetitious and boring. In order to appreciate ambient music properly, it should be listened to in the less active periods of our time - e.g. meditation or sleeping. It was designed with this in mind, and it can bring a tremendous calm feeling over you (if you allow it to.) The real treat is to listen to it through a good pair of headphones, and just let yourself go with the flow. Let the music guide you on your very own journey.

Like It?
There are many streams out there, but these are my favorites to listen to. If you have your pc by your bed, have a dedicated hardware media player, or some other means of listening (ala FM stereo transmitter, as I do,) give them a try. They may help to relax you into a nice deep sleep.

Goodnight Everyone!

Rewiring Thought Processes...

2005-08-30T16:28:00.000-05:00

Overhauling My Mind...
Yep. That's right - I want to "rewire" my entire thought process. I want to undo 25+ years of negative thinking and self-talk. I want to undo 25 years of anger, sadness, despair, and fear. I want to get right in there and rip it all out. Or do I? Perhaps I need to take a different approach.

It Wasn't All Bad...But...
I've said it before and I'll say it again - it wasn't all bad. Indeed, the negative events stick out more than the positive ones - only because that's what I chose to see. This is how I was raised, whether my parents want to believe it or not. I don't blame them for this - maybe they just didn't realize what was really going on. Looking back, it seems that they chose to be reactive, instead of proactive - allowing themselves to be subject to life and its events. As a result, this has shaped their lives accordingly.

Complaining...
I was always told when I was growing up, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Essentially that meant, "don't complain." Yet it seemed that every day was filled with complaints and criticisms from all the adults around me. They felt justified in complaining about work and everything else. "Do you know what they took away/did to us at work today?" was a very common phrase in the household. On the road during a family trip I heard things like, "God Damn It! We'll never get there! Where do these people learn to drive?" Of course, you know what happened - I adopted this philosophy and ran with it. The seed of negativity was planted - My dad got angry at traffic, so I should too then. It seemed simple enough. Little did I know that this would be just the beginning.

Discovery...
Today I was in therapy and brought up the recent debacle on Saturday night. My therapist helped me to understand what my true feelings were at the moment I exploded. I basically came up with the feeling that I wasn't good enough. My evidence was that the room was essentially empty, and nearly non-responsive. Of course, I took this as "I guess I/we suck pretty bad then." Just before I went off, a negative thought from somewhere worked its way into my mind and lodged itself there.

"You Can't Do Anything!"
The first thought that came to mind was physical education class, during my grade school years. The thought of being in the gymnasium on little platforms called "scooters," was the first thing to surface. I remember we were split up into several teams, and we would race down to the other end of the gym. I don't remember how many times we did this, but I remember not doing too well, and catching hell from my teammates for it. One phrase stuck in my head all through these years - "you can't do anything!" That really hurt me deep inside, and it started the ball rolling in the lack of self-confidence or self-esteem department. Perhaps it was something else, but that was the first one that entered my head. It basically triggered the belief, "I guess I can't, so why should I bother to even try?"

Changing The Thought Pattern...
After bringing up that particularly painful memory, my therapist introduced me to a technique - that of which the name escapes me. I believe it has the acronym of EMRN, or something to that extent. She said that she will bring me more information about it next session, so I'll talk about it in a later entry. Basically, it involves focusing on a thought and changing the reactions attached to it. Doing this several times helped me to see things much differently than I did previously. I was able to let go of the pain, frustration, and hurt that I associated with them. I can now honestly look back and say that I don't feel those emotions anymore, because I don't allow myself to succumb to them. Ultimately, this affects my behavior as well. That little "voice" that says that I have to fight for my life doesn't have much to say now. It used to say things like "are you going to just stand there and take that," or "show them that you are going to do something about it!" I now tell myself things like, " I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm not fighting for my life against the schoolyard bully. I can let this all go."

The True Me...
A while ago, I was having a conversation with my dad about my childhood. He told me of a time when I would try to make friends with everyone, and that I was genuinely interested in meeting people. He had to track me down a few times (at the mall especially,) because I would get lost trying to make new friends. I think that stopped somewhere during the first time I moved to a new school.

Picking Up Where I Left Off...
Anyway, the point I'm making is this - I want to become that Danny that loved life and people. He didn't feel sorry for himself, and he had a very positive outlook on life. He didn't let others' opinions influence limit his growth, or allow him to become jaded.. I think that it's time for him to come back into being. He's a great kid, and he can reach out to anyone he meets, without feeling hostility, prejudice, or any other negative emotion. He's larger than life (the tallest kid in kindergarten,) and wants to learn more about others as well as himself. He's a little over-the-top sometimes, but that's okay. That shows that he has boundless energy, and is determined to enjoy his life, no matter what! He refuses to live in fear and shame.

Rebuilding...
What I need to do is to bring him back, and allow him to gradually take over this faulty wiring system - fixing things that need to be fixed, and to throw out the trash that doesn't need to be there anymore. He can take the good things and put them to use. However, he can also look back at those hard times and learn alot from them. He can assess the memories for what lessons they hold, not the emotions that are triggered by them. He can take those negativity tapes in the brain and began to record positivity on them.

Resetting The Odometer...
Begin again? Sure! Why not? Why let previous events in life cause you to become taciturn and jaded? Yes, there are things that happen in life that are painful and we do suffer through them. You don't have to indulge in the behaviors that so many others do - and that includes what your parents did or still do. You have a choice to see things differently. You have the opportunity to see it YOUR way, and no one else's. This is precisely what I am working towards - my own sense of identity and beliefs.

Be Yourself!
Now, I'm not saying that all of our parents' beliefs and such are bad - I'm just saying this: THINK FOR YOURSELF! To become jaded is to limit yourself to being the person that you truly desire to become. Don't let what others think keep you from doing what you want in life. Don't stop to care what they might think of you or how unpopular you may be. Just because they think that something sucks doesn't mean that you need to also. If you choose to see it in a more positive light, do it! To run with the herd is to deny yourself of INDIVIDUALITY! Uniqueness should be celebrated, not exploited!

On a closing note, during the DBSA conference, one of the speakers said something that really hit home:

Labels are for cans, NOT people!

Neat Stuff

2005-08-29T22:21:00.000-05:00

MoodGYM
I just wanted to share a great link with you. A very dear person in my life found it for me a while ago, and it has helped alot with depression in my life. It is operated by the Australian National University, and it's a great hands-on environment to learn about moods (and how they affect us.) If you can't afford or don't have time for cognitive therapy, this is very helpful.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/default.asp

Give it a try - do the exercises and take your time. People who suffer with Bipolar Disorder or Depression could learn quite a bit from it. I sincerely hope that you do try it. If you come across and tools online (or offline) that have helped you, please feel free to drop me a comment.

Thanks!

12 Hours Later...

2005-08-28T16:21:00.000-05:00

Gathering Thoughts...
Sigh...I looked at the clock and decided that it was time to wake up - after all, I had been asleep for at least 12 hours. I got in from the gig around 4am. Let me rephrase that - I got home about 3:30am and proceeded to park my truck in the driveway. I was so tired that I just sat there for a few minutes. I remember turning the key to the accessory position, so that I could listen to the radio. Eventually, I passed out behind the wheel for a good 30-45 minutes, before I realized I still had not unloaded my gear yet. I know that it was around 4am when I brought everything in the house - that much I can be sure of. I remember going to the freezer and getting my last pint of ice cream, eating it, turning on my radio, and going to sleep. That's the end of a pretty eventful day - in positive and negative ways.

What Happened?
Considering that I had been running on about 2.5 hours of rest from the previous night (morning,) I knew that Saturday would be a "dynamic" day. It ran the gamut from being extremely happy to enraged. The beginning of the day went well - everything just seemed to click together like magic!

The Conference...
I had a great time at the DBSA Road To Wellness Conference! There were several great speakers who had so much to say. Of course I took copious notes so that I could bring them back to share with my support group. I grabbed as much literature as I could, and bought a copy of Andy Behrman's book, Electroboy. The group that I rode with was very cordial,
and I enjoyed my time spent with them. I couldn't ask for a better day - however, I was constantly aware that I was running on only 2.5 hours of sleep, and it was starting to get to me.

The Rush...
I got home around 7:30pm and quickly changed into my gig clothes. I stayed home about 10 minutes at the most. Thankfully, I had given my gear to our drummer so that I wouldn't have to run around like a madman setting it all up - it would all be there, ready to go when I got there. I grabbed some food on the way and showed up to soundcheck. Things still seemed to be OK for the moment.

The Gig...
We were set up and ready to roll by 10pm, which is our usual start time. Things seemed to get off to a somewhat rocky start, but it didn't seem to be an issue. As time went on, I started to notice people just getting up and leaving. Of course, this started the negative self-talk in my head, "now they are leaving! I guess we just suck so bad that they don't want to stay and listen. Damn!" The incidences of mistakes and "fuck-ups," was increasing, and it was taking a strain on everyone. It seemed that we all had our moments of falling on our faces. The first set wasn't so bad, and I just spent a little time walking alone outside.

Break Time...
By the end of the second set, I was feeling pretty nasty. I went outside and sat on the ground, and became nearly catatonic - I didn't know if I wanted to meditate or just to cry. I just sat there, looking at the reddish-pink glow that played on the grass. The neon sign was pretty bright, and I guess that it provided the landscape for that moment. Perhaps it made me see red, literally, which was foreshadowing things to come. The guys came outside to find me, asked me if I was OK, and helped me back inside. We played the next set, looser than the previous, and then it happened... I lost it.

WHAM!
We were about halfway through the set, and we decided that I should sing a few. I was tired, but I agreed to do it. As I was getting ready to grab my Strat, the club DJ stepped into his booth and said, "take five, guys." Of course, this totally caught me off guard, and I just gave him a look of death. Then our drummer and guitarist came over to him, and I could feel the anger building within me. Old thoughts surfacing, saying things like, "Who the fuck does he think he is? Does he not have any respect at all for musicians?" I reached a fever pitch (screaming my thoughts about hip-hop noise,) and threw my Strat on the ground, hitting my amp and nothing else. I ran outside, screamed for a few seconds, hit the brick wall with my fists, and sat down on the ground. I stayed out there for a few minutes, realizing that I had spun out of control, and that everything was starting to come at me from all sides. I truly thought that I was going to have a psychotic episode. The urge to "walk across the street," was there, but I didn't act upon it. I just watched the cars go by and eventually made my way back into the bar. The DJ came up to me almost immediately, apologizing and trying to justify what he had done. I looked at him and said, "It better not happen again." I was still pretty angry, and that wasn't going to change.

The Side That I Didn't See...
I found out that he did that because he thought that we were going on break again. Our vocalist sat down, as I was going to sing for those few songs. Around the time, a girl came up to the DJ and asked him to play a song - of course some crappy ass hip-hop garbage, and proceeded to play it, after saying "take five, guys." I still think that he was in the wrong. His personality irked me, and if I was still stuck in my old ways, I would have kicked the shit out of him, ended up in jail, and not asked to play there ever again.

Left Over...
Eventually, I got over it, and finished up the night - to a nearly empty room. For a performer, that is one of the most painful and discouraging things that we sometimes have to do. For the remainder of the night, I didn't move much, and just played as best as I could. On a positive note, we did have some folks come up to us and ask us when we are playing next. That's always a great feeling. I was feeling pretty run-down, so I just started to tear down the equipment, while that crap was blasting in the background. Hearing that doesn't help to make tear down any easier, and I again reverted back to my old ways. I began extolling my virtues of how I pretty much hated that kind of music. They whole-heartedly agreed. That helped to ease the frustration and get things done in a timely manner. By 3am, I was ready to roll. Of course, then I came home, had my snack, and went to bed.

Lesson Learned...
Well, that's it - in a nutshell. I learned a very important lesson from all this. The next time several events pop up over a 48-hour timespan in this manner, some of them I will refuse to do. I don't care what it is - even work. I've always known that loss of sleep is one of my triggers, and I do my very best to get enough sleep. I'm not going to be Superman ever again. Some things will just have to wait. I know that I didn't use the techniques that I am learning, but that's OK.

Going On...
I'm not going to beat myself up for it. I just know that I was extremely vulnerable yesterday, and that it would make anyone feel "out of their element." Of course it would be difficult to be ready for anything. I think that bad days like this, help me to appreciate the good ones - even more than I do already. I refuse to dwell on it any longer. I tell these thoughts, "Thank you for all that you have given me. Thank you for serving as a reminder of the person that I am working to be. You can go now." I borrowed this phrase from the very first guided imagery tapes that a therapist gave me. Now, on with today, already in progress...

NLP...

2005-08-26T15:28:00.000-05:00

Neuro-Linguistic Programming...
I promised that I would go into detail at a further date about NLP, or Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and today is the day to do it. This will benefit all of us - including myself, as I feel a bit blah today (nothing serious.) I have listened to the tapes so many times that I have phrases memorized and can nearly recite them at will!

What is NLP?
On the tape, Master Trainer Charles Faulkner calls it, "the study of human excellence. It helps us to understand how the brain "neuro-codes" our experiences. " He cites examples, such as skiing. Most people thought that skiing was something you had to have talent for - you either had it, or you didn't. Once someone else learns how to do something, ANYONE CAN DO IT! That's a key point to remember in your development through life. It gives us hope!

Visualization
This technology allows you to use visualization strategies - to help you see yourself doing something successfully, and without fear or self-doubt. There are ways to control how you remember experiences, good and bad - to make them less intense, or more intense if you so desire. You learn to connect (associate) with good feelings, and disconnect (dissociate) from the bad ones - this alone is a great tool. You can overcome phobias using the techniques! Some are a derivative of Gestalt therapy, in that you view your prior experiences and the feelings that accompany them - but that's just the beginning.

Bend Me...Shape Me...
You can twist, distort and manipulate painful experiences that have been bothering you for years, and actually make them humorous! They encourage you to play the images backwards, add funny colors or music - to change your perception of that event or experience. I guess that you could call it like Emotional Origami - twist that thing so you don't recogize it anymore! You could be a director of your own "movies," in that you create what you think about - bringing certain things into clearer focus, and casting others away. They really encourage you to use your imagination, and get some enjoyment out of the process. Once you do it a few times, it gets to be enjoyable, and it becomes a part of you. It encourages you to think like a kid again. "Think...in your mind's eye..." is a recurring phrase on the tapes. Of course, there are many other techniques, involving seeing the other person's point of view, and seeing yourself through the eyes of love, which works tremendously as well. I strongly reccommend trying them all.

Which One?
Of course, there are many variations and books dealing with NLP, but I started with the audiobook called, NLP - The New Technology of Achievement. I think that it's a great overview and a sort of primer on the entire technology - a great starting point. It works quite well in conjuction with cognitive therapy and medication. It allows you to take control of your mind, erase phobias, and to take steps in your life that you never thought possible!

A Student For Life...
I am still very much a student of all this (and will be for life,) and I do use several strategies to help me through the day when just maintaining a positive attitude is not enough - or when old thoughts come back to haunt me. That's the time to put it into practice - when you don't feel like doing anything to help yourself. For me, today is one of those crucial times.

A Confession...
I'll admit - for nearly a week, I've felt myself start to come down from the intense plateau that I was on for nearly a month. I'm starting to accept the fact that it may indeed have been hypomania. Regardless, it felt good, and I want to get back to it again. As I said before, I feel "blah" and somewhat disconnected, but not down and out. I told some friends how I felt, in this manner: "It's cloudy outside, and I want the sun to shine." The possibility of being depressed is there, but with what I've learned, I am able to keep it under control. I truly don't want to go back to that state of "learned helplessness." To me, that is the equivalent of the death of the mind.

The Tape Is Playing In Reverse!
I notice most prominently, that the urge to reach out and give has been reversed - I literally feel as if everything is getting sucked back into me. This causes me to become inner-focused, and I don't like it at all. I begin to think about things, and how they hurt me. I don't look at solutions to problems and challenges, but I focus on the pain. It's one thing to reflect on how we feel about things - however, it's another when you indulge in those feelings. Those that keep us "safe" and ensure that we don't do anything dangerous, (and at the same time ensure that we don't move forward within our lives.) In that mindset, risk equals sudden death. That having been said, I know why I feel like this -I've been neglecting my meds.

Why?
Admittedly, I started to feel that I didn't need them anymore (OK - go ahead and preach to me.) Anyone who uses psychotropic medications (or anyone who uses meds in general,) understands this. You get to the point where you feel that you are "cured," or "OK," and you try to live your life without "those pills." For a while, things are just fine, and you feel great. Naturally, that feeling does not last, and you start to come down - maybe even revert back to your old self. You criticize and admonish yourself for doing such a thing, which makes you feel even worse. Guess what? You're back where you started - maybe even a few steps back.

Remember This...
We take the medications for a reason, and we have to keep that in mind. When we feel good, we forget about those reasons - as those endorphins and other chemicals released during that time, will make us oblivious to that fact. I rationalized that I would "get more later, and I will just take them every other day until I get more..." This also makes us oblivious to the fact that brain chemicals come into play when we become depressed or manic. It's all about chemistry.

Association...And Assistance...
I was starting to run out of medication and couldn't get any more until I brought in my tax return. This would make me eligible for free medication (due to income.) It's so simple, yet I keep putting it off. Why? Paperwork is still a bit scary to me. I'm not totally fearless yet, but I am working in that direction. I need to stop associating so much pain and frustration to dealing with it, and resigning myself to the fact that I can't do it. My sister usually does the paperwork for me, because she knows my feelings about it. This time I want her just to be nearby when I need some help. I don't want her to do it for me. I spent alot of my life having things done for me - I don't want to be that way anymore. I'm thirty-two years old now. I'm a man, and not a child. It's time to learn to do things on my own.

Taking Action!
But I am going to make that call to my sister, as I promised my therapy group. I don't deserve to let myself live this way. I know that I can do better for myself, and I will strive to achieve it. The demons of bipolar won't get me down - maybe sometimes they will make life a little (or quite a bit) difficult, but they won't pull me into the abyss completely. I refuse to let it happen. True, I may feel a little hum-drum now, but it could be much worse, as I have demonstrated in the past. Do yourself a favor - at least tell yourself this:

I AM IN CONTROL!

I AM RESPONSIBLE!

I AM RESPONSE-ABLE!

Preparing For The Days Ahead...

2005-08-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

Getting Ready...
I woke up about an hour ago, and started thinking about how to prepare for this busy weekend that I have lined up. Friday and Saturday will be busy days, but Sunday will be a day to sleep in and relax. Here's how I figure it:

Thursday night -
Get as much sleep as I can!

Friday night -
Go to jam night and play from 9:30pm until 1:30am (or earlier.)

Saturday morning -
Go home and go to bed (sleep from 2am-5am.)
Wake up, make lunch, and get ready to drive to convention meeting place.
Travel from meeting place to convention center.
Stay there from 8am until 5pm.
Come home by 6 or 7pm.
Change clothes and go to soundcheck around 8:30pm
Get ready to play by 9pm.
Play the gig from 10pm-2am.
Tear down at 2am (usually takes 30-35 minutes.)
Head for home and maybe grab something to eat on the way back.

Sunday -
SLEEP until 1pm!

Phew!
I feel tired already! I also need a backup plan in case I'm not able to carpool to the convention. My vehicle has extremely high mileage on it, so I can't trust it to go into the city - this means that I'd take a bus to the airport and from there, take a shuttle to the convention center. The only trick with that is, I think that the shuttle is only for the hotel patrons. I am not 100% sure. If I get into a predicament, I'll certainly ask if this is true. I'm sure that everything is going to turn out great, and I'm stressing for nothing. I need to keep the "let go" mentality in mind. If all else fails, I'll just walk that one mile to the convention center. I'd better bring my tennis shoes!

Anxious?
I haven't been in the city alone in quite a while. I used to do it all the time when I was working there. Of course, that was a little different, as I knew exactly where I was going. Even the first time was not that difficult either. I won't deny that I do feel a bit of anxiety - my mind is starting to ask those useless questions - "what if...." I have to block those out and not indulge in those hard-wired thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Those do not serve my well, especially since the "fight or flight," adrenalin response system is malfunctioning, giving off false signals to thwart me from "possible dangers."

Taking Risks...
Of course, we take a risk every time we go out somewhere - hell, we take a risk just getting out of bed sometimes! We just can't be afraid to do things because our minds are asking non-productive questions, or lack of faith in ourselves. I remember talking about the bus idea, and my mind instantly started to go into panic mode. "How am I gonna do....?" And then I thought, "millons of people take a bus successfully every day. If they can do it, so can I." This put me at ease and helped me to realize that it wasn't a big deal after all. I am an adult, not a helpless child. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Look Forward...
With that in mind, I'll be able to truly enjoy the convention, pick up some literature, meet other folks, and authors as well. I'm really looking forward to attending, and sharing my thoughts and experiences (as well as literature) with my group. To connect with other people is an ultimate goal for me. The more functions I go to, the better off I'll be. Wish me luck!

Now to take on today...

Outdoor Fun!

2005-08-23T18:15:00.000-05:00

Weed Eating...
I Just got back in from trimming the lawn with our trusty Black & Decker weed eater-trimmer. You gotta love the thing. It takes the hard work out of pulling alot of weeds. However, it's very temperamental, in that the line likes to run out very quickly.

Patting Myself On The Back...
As a result, no one else in the house wants to use the thing. They get too frustrated. I'll admit, I was getting a little frustrated this time - probably because it was hot outside, and there was a lot of traffic going by. I did manage to keep my cool, only saying a few things. I can definitely pat myself on the back. You may wonder what the big deal about all this is...

I CHANGED MY APPROACH WHEN SOMETHING DID NOT WORK!!!

Hitting A Brick Wall...
Previously, I would try to do something, and when it didn't work, I'd do the same thing again...and again....and again...and so forth. With each degree of failure, I would get a little more frustrated, focusing on the fact that I was not accomplishing my goal - hitting that brick wall over and over...BAM! BAM! BAM! Obviously this is not the solution. I felt like Wile E. Coyote ! He kept going over that same cliff quite often - although he did suffer in other ways. One thing is clear, however - he never gave up, and he changed his approach when something did not work.

Winding The Line...
If you've used a weed eater/trimmer before (and I'm sure that you have,) you'll know that it works by spinning a spool of nylon line at an extremely high RPM, which "eats" the weeds. This is a very novel concept, and it works great as long as two things are accounted for: 1) the line is plentiful, and 2) the line is wound properly. If you do this, then you should not have any problems. I'll admit, it has been a long time since I've put a new spool of line in a trimmer. I had to refresh my memory a bit to remember how to do it, since it was completely out of line.

How Does It Work?
It's all a basic concept really - the line is wound in such a manner that it comes unwound very easily, via a spring-loaded mechanism in the "head." This is activated by pressing down on the ground with the head. In turn, this causes more line to come out...unless you have it wound on the spool too tight!

Argh!
It took many tries for me to get it right - the first few attempts were lessons in winding it too tight, so I had to pull it all off (about 20 feet of line,) and start over. Each time I tried something different - however, the line was coming unravelled no matter what I did. That's when I had a moment of brilliance - nylon line, by its very nature has a tendency to recoil when you let it go. "Ah, so I have it way too tight!," I said and breathed a sigh of relief! I had the basic concept, and had to stop a few times to fix it, but I was on the right track. Pretty soon, I had it down to a science, and could fix it in a matter of seconds. Practice does indeed make perfect. Yay!

Have A Laugh!
Never mind the whole time I could feel my old mannerisms and thought patterns wanting to emerge. I felt my face get red, my mind start to race, and that old irritable feeling wanted to emerge. To stop this, I put the thing down and just smiled, which brought forth a laugh. I thought to myself what the people watching me thought. They probably thought that I was crazy to be out there in the first place. "Who's that crazy bald guy (in a long sleeve shirt,) with the weed eater, and why is he laughing? Why would anyone laugh or smile when they are doing yardwork?" That alone made me chuckle some more. I literally put that irritated feeling aside and started to annihilate some weeds (and some grass too, oops!) Take that, you little green devils! BRRZAP!!

Mission Accomplished!
All in all, I completed my mission: trimming because my roommate asked if I could do it instead. He claims that the trimmer is "too long and hard to balance." (read: he doesn't know how to wind the line and doesn't want to learn either.) I suppose next time I should hand him some shears or clippers and point him in the right direction, right? Better yet, I'll just give him a pair of gloves and say, "Ok, now do it by hand." Maybe he'll learn to appreciate the joys of owning a weed eater. I don't think that he's ever pulled weeds by hand before - I could be wrong though.

Today's Lesson...Indirectly...
Today was another lesson in how to make something that is not considerably enjoyable into something that can be. It's amazing what a little smile or a laugh will do - it adds a little kick to those things that are, at first, drab and unexciting. Why not try it? After all, does complaining and carrying on about something help to make it any better? Of course not! It just sours the experience when someone says something like "well, this is gonna suck," or "I hate doing this." I end up wanting to say "thank you for making things worse than they really are - you just caused a total paradigm shift in my thinking." What a buzzkill! Just remember this:

Don't let anyone else get you down - just because they feel the way that they do, doesn't mean that you have to feel that way also! Don't believe the hype!

BRRRRZAP!!!!!!

Random Thoughts...

2005-08-23T16:32:00.000-05:00

Thinking...

Today is a pretty good day. I woke up late (as usual, ha!) but that's OK. It's something that I am working on improving. Now that I seem to have my moods in check, it will be much easier to get motivated. I just need to refrain from falling back into old habits (i.e. staying on the computer for too long and staying inside all day.) It's a beautiful day outside - it was much hotter earlier, but now it's cooling off. It's a perfect time to go and...

WEED THE LAWN! :)

(Yes, I do like yard work - provided I can go at my own pace and no one is breathing down my neck.) I'll be back later. For now, I need to get outside and get some...

SUNSHINE!!!

Instant Gratification...

2005-08-21T20:06:00.000-05:00

By The Seat Of My Pants...
OK - today's topic took some thought. As a matter of fact, I'm still thinking of it now, so this will definitely be a seat-of-the-pants type of writing. Perhaps even a "stream of consciousness writing?" We shall see.

Gratification-Instantly...
What I'm referring to is the tendency for people in general to look for an immediate short-term reward or self-satisfaction, better known as instant gratification. So many of us (myself included) have fallen prey to impulse buys, seductive ways, and the like. In that moment, we feel great, and that everything is just fine. Unfortunately, we don't stop to see what an impact it could have on us. Here are some examples.

Consequences...
Take for instance that fling you had last night - was it really worth all that? Imagine this - you wake up the next morning and feeling a shooting pain (guess where?) Yes, it hurts when you urinate! This happened to a good friend of mine. His exact words were: "Why does it hurt when I pee?" I told him, "because you were playing with fire, and you got burnt." Plain and simple. Think about that the next time YOU take someone home from the bar.

Impulse...
I'll admit that I do have a weakness for impulse buys. It's too easy to fall prey to them. A great example of this would be at the checkout counter in a gas station. Ever notice how they ALWAYS put the King Size candy bars right in FRONT of you, and make you look for the regular size? On impulse, we end up buying the king size one - even though it costs thirty to forty cents more than its counterpart!

Why Does This Work?
We fell for it - hook, line, and sinker. Why? Because of our tendency to gratify ourselves instantly - we want it NOW! Merchants realize this, and capitalize on it. I do have mixed emotions about it. On one hand, I feel that I've been taken advantage of and that it is simply a low-down dirty trick. On the other, I have to give them credit for seizing the opportunity! Ahh, the power of capitalism!

Everything's On Sale...
OK - I KNOW that we ALL have fallen prey to this - the "blah-blah-blah" sale." The prices are so incredibly low that we feel we have to act upon them NOW! We suddenly have an overwhelming urge to buy that special item that caught our eye - it's our desire that drives us to do this. Back in the day, salespeople were needed to help items get off the shelves - nowadays, things pretty much sell themselves! The price is attractive enough to get our attention - or is it?

Watch The Ads...
Just do this once - especially during the holidays. Watch the price trends on a few items that are in high demand. Take note and watch how just around the holidays, the price starts to climb higher and higher. Surely this is to stave off excessive demand...or is it? Once again, capitalism is at work. Again, take notice of the prices after the holidays - you know, the big "end-of-year clearance" sales? I'll bet, if you compared those discount prices to ones prior to the holidays, you probably wouldn't see much of a discount if you really got down to it. I got to notice this trend very quickly, having worked in retail previously.

Two For...?
You know these guys too - if you buy more, you save more money. The next time you are at the store, take a good look and do the math. You may be in for a surprise! Here's an example - carburetor cleaner - it normally costs $2.29 a can. The store has a great sale going on, hawking that X carburetor cleaner is "on sale," 2 cans for $5.00 (which amounts to $2.49 a can!) Most people won't think twice, and will pick them up off the shelves, thinking that they are actually saving money! And you know what the sad thing is? The "regular" price is RIGHT THERE ON THE TAG! Of course, it's in small print, so that you won't notice it, but that's a given, right? Why? Because people don't take the time to read it - they are in such a hurry, living their lives at 900 miles an hour and never stopping to take notice of anything. If they only knew what they were missing...sigh.

What Am I Getting At?
The point is simply this - if we want to lead a more productive, profitable, and enjoyable life, we need to ask ourselves some serious questions, such as the following:

"Do I really need this right now?"

"Are there any possible repercussions as a result of my choice?"

"How will this affect others and myself?"

"What do I stand to gain from this?"

"Will this allow me to achieve a long-term goal, or is this just for the short term?"

"Can I afford this?" or "Can WE afford this?"

These are just a few of the questions that you can ask yourself before you make a decision. Now, don't get me wrong - don't let these questions induce a state of panic or anxiety within you. They are only meant to test your values "on the fly," to capitalize on your morals and standards. Don't think you have to play it safe all the time. No - enjoy your life, but be very aware of certain situations that may come into play.

Critical Time...
Any time our emotional state is affected, be it positive or negative, we are "thrown off our game" or caught off guard, which affects our decisions. It's during those moments that we need to pay attention to that, and start asking some of those questions that I mentioned above. Imagine these questions in a fight scene in "The Matrix," and you'll get an idea of what I mean. Put the ball in your court, and think it through. See if from all perspectives, if possible. Better yet, see another person's point-of-view if they are involved or could be complicated within the situation. Don't let that high-pressure sales pitch cajole you into purchasing something that you might regret later...or that seductive pickup line that was handed to you at the bar last night land you in bed with someone that you truly don't know. Temptation is sinfully delightful (delightfully sinful,) and instant gratification goes hand in hand with it.

Coming Down From My Podium...
Wow - for that moment, I felt almost as a minister giving a sermon in church, talking about sins in our day-to-day life! As I've said previously, I'm not a born-again Christian or anything like that, but I do see parallels within biblical scriptures and modern living.

Something Clicked!
This stuff really started making a whole lot of sense, and I'm eager to learn more. The more that I use creative imaging (more about this later) to visualize things for what they really are, the easier it is to avoid these pratfalls as I go about my daily life. To go around these obstacles is the key - knowing that they are there, and always will be there, but I can safely dodge them and go about my business.

Inspiration and Reading...
You know, I think that all that listening and reading of Dr. Norman Vincent Peale is really starting to influence my way of thinking. If you want to find out what I'm talking about, read his many books and listen to his audiobooks as well. Titles such as "You Can, If You Think, You Can," "The Power Of Positive Thinking," and "The Power Of Creative Imaging," just might change the way you feel about yourself and others.

Reflections Of Ourselves...
True that he may have devised these strategies to help himself in the beginning, but isn't that where it all begins? We have to help ourselves before we can truly help others. It takes unconditional love of ourselves before we can truly love anyone else, for everyone is a mirror of our souls. We see in others the things that we like and dislike about ourselves - the things that we'd like to change, or appreciate more than we currently do.

The Truth...Forthright and Honest...
I'll freely admit that I write here in this blog as a means of therapy - to help me realize what's really important in my life and how I can deal with it. I'm literally talking myself through the challenges of life (and yes, I do talk to myself out loud as well, especially when driving!) What appears to be a rant (such as above,) is in disguise a lesson in allowing myself to see the other person's point of view. I may not see it right away, due to emotional attachments and the convictions or beliefs that I manifest. Sooner or later I learn to leave all reservations aside and to allow myself to think within that person's shoes. Of course, we might not think exactly as they do, but we can get a general idea if we know enough about the person's character.

NLP...
A good method to use is Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or better known as NLP. Upon repeated practice of the techniques described, you can literally put yourself in someone else's body, and watch yourself from their viewpoint. Using what you know about this person, you can honestly see how you appear to this person, and why they are reacting to a situation in a certain manner. This in and of itself is an amazing tool that helps you learn to deal with people - especially the ones that seem difficult or indifferent. I've used it on more than a few occasions, and I can tell you that it's made a change in the way that I think about other people, and what effects my actions, thoughts and beliefs have upon them. This ultimately wins you over with people, and you can communicate effectively with just about anyone!

Read and Listen...To The Radio?
If you're truly interested in changing your life, there is so much great material out there that can help you to do it - be it in the form of written or audiobooks, seminars, or websites. What started it all for me was a radio station! Nearly 10 years ago, there was a little station in my area that dubbed itself "Personal Achievement Radio." I found it by accident one day on the way to work. I heard someone talking, and I just kept the dial there. A few minutes later, I heard another excerpt from another motivational speaker and began to realize that this was pretty neat stuff! I was hooked. It took me a long time to implement everything that I've learned, but it was well worth the time vested. If you're looking for ways to honestly improve your life, motivational materials can do wonders for you. They may not work for everyone, but for the ones that they do, it's truly exciting!

Hmm...I Was Thinking...
Hey, you know what? I think that I'm going to get back into radio - this time working in the motiviational aspect of it! I have a few projects in the works pertaining to that, and when the time is right, I'll divulge information to those interested. AriK, if you're reading this, I'd still love to write our book together. I know that I'm not "fully recovered" from bipolar disorder and that there will be trying times, so I'll be glad to bring everything, past and present, to the table for discussion. What do you think, should we do an infomercial for the book? Nah - just kidding!

Be Well, Everyone!

Back In The Saddle Again...

2005-08-19T00:10:00.000-05:00

Update...

Well, I'm pleased to report that I am once again "online" from my home. I was given an old pc (and I mean very old) that works very well. I just slapped my net card in it, installed a few favorite programs, and away I went! It's a first-generation Gateway 2000 Pentium 200mhz mmx box. It's got 96MB of RAM, and a TWO GIG HARD DRIVE! Yes, folks I said TWO gigs. This was circa 1997, so that was pretty "state-of-the-art" back then.

Say What?

Who would have thought that XP would run on a much slower machine, with that little of RAM, and HD space? Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just totally flabbergasted that this thing runs with XP on it. And I thought that XP would bring a 233mhz P-II with 128MB of RAM to its knees! A real plus is that the monitor that came with it is a 17" - I've been using a 15" for a long, long, time. I am truly grateful that I am able to use it. I like to be able to type and read emails, and of course to blog whenever my little heart desires. I'm so spoiled!

More Good News...

I slapped my 80GB Maxtor drive from the PIII 450mhz in it (as a slave,) and it works just fine. It's not crashed in any way shape or form (sigh!) I went straight for the Osibisa album folder (thanks to Creepyking I have this treasure of 70's music,) It was nice to hear that after nearly 2 months of not being able to get to it. Shame on me for not backing up more often. I think that in my mental state of that time period, I really didn't care if I lived to see the next day, let alone some music.

Is It Time Yet?

So... I ask of you... is it high time that I just go with the flow and buy a new pc, maybe build one? I wouldn't mind having 1 ghz clock speed to play with. I could use all of those great Arturia soft synths that I have (ARP, Moog, etc.) I would have a reason to practice playing the keyboard again. It's true - I do love the sounds of the old gear, but I don't like the lack of reliability of it either. It's such a trade-off. I can see that the "modeling" that they do gets closer every day to the real thing. Hell, the only thing they won't do is to randomly pick a day when they break down (well, the computer does that on its own anyway, so that's taken care of!) I think that it's about time to step into this decade...and don't look back. Hello, Ebay! You've got a lot of goodies comin' your way....

In Conclusion...

So...here I sit again - in my favorite chair, with only the light of the monitor to guide me! Picking up where I left off, as much as I can, without getting frustrated. So far, so good. Now to stay off Ebay...

Catching Up... And Looking UP!

2005-08-14T15:54:00.000-05:00

Time For An Update...

Well, here I am again - things are still quite good. At the moment I feel a little irritated for some reason, but I'm not letting it get to me. I figure that there is a reason for it, and I am looking for that reason. I just don't let the emotions come to fruition - this keeps me from getting angry. I feel that anger is not a viable option at this point in my life. I haven't gotten furious since the day I had that fight of rage towards my car. I realize now that it was not the correct action to take.

Dealing With Life...

As far as everything else is concerned, I have been doing much better in dealing with people. I now hold much better conversations, and show a genuine interest in what the other person has to say. I find myself listening more than talking. It's so much more enlightening to hear what someone else does, or how they fight off the demons. Sometimes I learn a thing or two because of this.

Being A Leader...

At the last few support group meetings, I have shared my strategies of dealing with life and its challenges. The ones who tried them happily reported that they have indeed worked! I was totally floored for two reasons: 1) I was able to help someone successfully, and 2) They appreciated what it had done for them. As a result, I was asked to facilitate the next meeting, and I will be attending the local DBSA convention on the 22nd. I look forward to talking to others who are in the "same boat" as us, and to meet the featured speakers.

What Does It All Mean?

I've come to this conclusion - I've been put upon this Earth to communicate, entertain, and help people. Amidst all my time of unhappiness, the things that I've endured have become tools to help others, as well as myself, through very hard times. I truly wish to touch those who feel that they are not good enough, those that have been abused mentally and physically, and anyone who feels that suicide is the only way out. I don't wish to throw my values and suggestions at them, but to help them implement these into their daily lives.

Thoughts On Therapy...

The easiest way to help someone is to let them find it for themselves - we can offer guidance that can give them a general direction of where they want to go. I honestly believe that's what a good therapist does. Too many of us go to therapy expecting to be "fixed." It doesn't work that way. It's all about you, and you must exert the effort required to get to where you want to be. YOU are the only one who can decide that you want help, and that you want to take responsibility in your life.

Every Day Is A Lesson...

Every day seems to hold a valuable lesson for me, whether it comes from a book, or just visiting a friend. I learn how I can discuss things with people I know, how to win over a little girl's heart, or what people really want from us. When I make a mistake, I take note of it (next time I'll...) but I don't beat myself up at all. I know that next time I'll be more aware of what's going on. Life is like learning in school - sometimes we get the lesson straight away; other times we may need to go over it in order to learn the how and why. It is truly fascinating to me, and I sincerely hope that it is for everyone.

In Conclusion...

Yes, my pc is still down, but that's ok. At this point, I don't foresee myself doing much with it anyway, simply because I'm having too much of a good time in my life right now. Read: it's not a necessary part of my life. I can deal with just checking my emails once a week, and the occasional blog entry.

Enlightenment In Many Ways...

Be assured that I have been doing LOTS of writing and recording thoughts on my microcassette recorder - nothing is going to waste. In books that I read, I underline key phrases and things that are pertinent. Listening to audiobooks and doing meditation exercises during the day and just before bed also help immensely. I would reccommend these to anyone as a starting point in their treatment. I started with guided imagery about 4 years ago, and kept going. I am going to take yoga as well, and check into holistic medicine. I am curious about the many treatments and perspectives of others, including doctors, psychologists/psychiatrists, and the like. I am extremely grateful to get to this point in my life. I could say that I wish I would have done this years ago, but I don't believe that I would appreciate it nearly as much. Everything happens for a reason - from bad things we can derive good things. I'll be glad to go into details later about my observations.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read this, and your genuine concern means alot to me. I wish you all good health and success in life. I'll be back soon. Just remember this:

"SLOW DOWN AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE! NOTHING IS SO IMPORTANT THAT WE HAVE TO RUSH THROUGH IT ALL THE TIME. NOTHING."
- Danny

Letting Go...

2005-07-31T19:37:00.000-05:00

Catching Up...(Gasp...)
Well, here we go - getting caught up again. I am still without a PC. I swapped power supplies, and got the same result. I'm pretty sure the hard drive crashed - Oh well. I guess that I've pretty much decided to cut off any possibility to resurrect it from the dead, basically using it for parts - for anyone else.

Progress...
Honestly, my life has improved TENFOLD without a computer. Now I don't have a "safe place" where I can hide. I've gotten to that point where I want to function as a normal human being again. It seems that most of my frustration (and depression) stems from my former addiction to using a computer on a daily basis, for hours on end! Not to say that life doesn't have its own challenges, but I seem to be able to deal with them much better now I am making tremendous progress. One of my secrets? Just LET GO!

Putting The Brakes On...
I just got fed up and said to myself, "you know what? I'm not going to live my life like it's 900 miles an hour anymore. Just because the world is moving that fast doesn't mean that I have to. Let everyone else go nowhere fast - I'll just cruise along at my own pace." Compare this to life as a really fast sports car, and I'm driving an old Model A Ford. It's true that I won't get there faster, but you can be sure of one thing - I'll see things that anyone else travelling at hyper-speed won't see. The old saying, "stop and smell the roses," holds true. Don't live your life in the fast lane - you'll overheat and eventually shut down.

A Work In Progress...
Of course, when you change your mindset, life instantly tries to test you. To many people this is a setback, or at the least, very frustrating. No one should just give up after that. You CAN'T! Giving up is the worst thing that you can do! I know that I'm a hypocrite of sorts, because I'm turning my back on technology (almost,) but I have lots of issues with it that I need to confront. I associate way too much pain with it, and I have to learn to change that. This is why I consider myself a "work in progress." I'm like that car you see once in a while - it looks pretty rough on the outside, but open the door, the interior is beautiful. Open the hood, and the engine is a masterpiece. Eventually, little by little, the body gets better and better, until one day - Voila!

Thank you!
To everyone who reads and comments on my blog - Thank you! It took a long, long time to get to this mindset, and I'm truly grateful to be this way. Nothing is "life and death" for me anymore. The things that I previously took so seriously I can just let go of. I still have social issues that I am challenged by, but I will overcome them as well. Working consistently with my therapy group, and going out once in a while by myself seems to help quite a bit. I'm beginning to enjoy life for a change, and not letting my emotions dictate my lifestyle. Oh, there are times when it's hard to get out of bed, but I don't feel down or depressed - I'm just really, really tired.

Summary...
I know that life is going to throw me a few more curves before things truly open up for me, but that's OK. I'm ready for those challenges to come my way. Instead of reacting to a problem, I'm going to look for the solution instead. Worrying about things never fixed them, did they? I'm not saying that I'm 100% optimistic all the time, but I do try my best to be whenever possible. When I mess up, I don't beat myself up. I just say, "try again."

Newsflash!...This Just In...
I had two job interviews, and they were great learning experiences. I didn't get hired, but I looked at them not as failures, but as chances to learn and grow. One of them was for a $40,000+/year salary! I was more sociable and outgoing than I've ever been in interviews! I can't wait until I get another one. I am sure that I'll knock the socks off of the interviewer! I've never felt so confident in my life! I found the key to acheiving confidence in my life, and it will be my creed for as long as I shall live: LET GO!!!!

2005-07-13T22:31:00.000-05:00

Catching Up...

2005-07-11T12:13:00.000-05:00

Reconsidering...
After reading the comments from Tabor and Radin, I have come to the conclusion that I have been a bit extreme as far as my thoughts and decision-making are concerned. I tend to do that, due to my borderline tendencies. When I get frustrated, I want to just cut out everything completely, regardless of the circumstances. I may lose contact with people, or be missing out on some valuable and sometimes interesting stuff. It is indeed foolish to just make drastic changes in our lives. They may just come back to bite us on the ass.

Reasons...
I get to this point when things just seem to be going completely wrong for me. The answer for me is to escape whatever situation may arise. I may blow up in a fit of rage, and then decide that I don't want to do that particular activity (such as a job,) or talk to a certain person. I decide at that moment that it's the "thing to do," and I stay in that mode for a few days, a month, or even longer. I guess that I'm getting over that feeling now, but I still feel it to some degree.

Impossible...
I remember not touching my pc for about 2 months because I was having sour times with a long distance relationship. To me, it felt better not to even be near the computer, as it seemed to bring me down. Chat rooms and chat buddies can do that sort of thing to you, so be careful, and NEVER (and I stress this,) ever get in a long-distance relationship that has seemingly impossible odds to ever happen. Don't spend years pretending and fantasizing that it could ever happen. It will save you alot of heartache.

Fed Up...
It's this simple: I don't have the funds to resurrect my antique (8 years old,) PC from the dead, nor do I intend to. It's just too frustrating to go through it all again. I think that the hard drive crashed in the boot sector. This has happened about 3 times in the past two years. I get tired of having to spend money on a new hard drive every time one crashes. Of course, it is foolish to keep using the same old 233 mhz motherboard and case, as well as the power supply. I simply overlooked those, and took it for granted that they were still good. Shame on me. However, I still feel that at this time I don't want to sink any more money in the damn thing, and that I really need to find other things to do besides be online too much as it is. As of this moment, I am at my parents' house using their PC, just to get caught up with emails, posting to the blog, and looking at classifieds. Granted, this PC is not very reliable, but it is working, so I can use it just about any time I want to. I don't monopolize it - this is because I usually only come here a few times a month.

Moderation
I totally agree about moderation - this is something that seems to be lacking within my life. It seems most of the time that my life is "turned up to eleven"* or that it is turned off completely. The area "in the middle" doesn't appear to be existent. Nonetheless, I am aware of this fact - which in turn makes it easier to deal with. In the past, I felt that, "this is just the way I am, and that there is nothing I can do about it." This, of course, is not true at all. It seems that as I grow older, I am beginning to learn how to moderate things. Life doesn't always seem to be "in the fast lane." Naturally, I still struggle with depression, and other things. It seems that the perfect life is all about moderation - not too much of this, and not too little of that. When I was younger, this concept was very perplexing to me. The old adage "everything gives you cancer," holds a bit of truth to it. Not in a literal sense, but in a more proverbial context. There is a such thing as "too much of a good thing."

Solutions...
It seems that in this case, moderation is certainly the answer. Friends have offered to help resurrect my dinosaur from the dead, and I have pretty much turned them away. I guess that I'll take them up on their offer, but I'll be much more cautious with it, and avoid countless consecutive hours online. It's truly an addiction of mine, and I need to moderate myself. It is possible to limit myself to a few hours online and to stick to that regimen. More physical activity would be better as well. I mean, we do have a swimming pool in the back yard, and it is nice to lay out on the deck and get some sun. I have done that a few times since we have opened the pool. Once again, the key is moderation - too much sun, and you'll burn to a crisp!

Things To Work On...
I need to work on moderation, my thoughts and emotions, and how I deal with adversity. I need to stop acting on impulse and living by the seat of my pants. I need to realize that life doesn't have to be so extreme, and that there is indeed the ability to balance our lives - maybe not perfectly, but just enough. Cutting ourselves off only hurts the ones who love us, and ultimately ourselves. Life is supposed to be about gradual change - unfortunately, such is not the case. However, we can within our own lives make it so. I truly believe this, and I am striving to attain this goal. Old habits do die hard, but they can be overcome.

Don't Give Up
by Peter Gabriel

in this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail
no fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams
have all deserted
I've changed my face,
I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose

don't give up
'cos you have friends
don't give up
you're not beaten yet
don't give up
I know you can make it good

though I saw it all around
never thought I could be affected
thought that we'd be the last to go
it is so strange the way things turn
drove the night toward my homet
he place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground

don't give up
you still have us
don't give up
we don't need much of anything
don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong

rest your head
you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up

'got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river's flowing
that river's flowing

moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs

don't give up
'cause you have friends
don't give up
you're not the only one
don't give up
no reason to be ashamed
don't give up
you still have us
don't give up now
we're proud of who you are
don't give up
you know it's never been easy
don't give up
'cause I believe there's the a place
there's a place where we belong

Should I Give Up?

2005-07-05T21:56:00.000-05:00

I was thinking...
I did have somewhat of a life before I got hooked on computers and the internet. It used to be that my computer was only used for making music and for mp3s. Then I got hooked on the internet - after that, my life changed dramatically. I said that I'd NEVER be one of those people that got addicted to chatrooms, nor that I would ever get romantically involved with anyone from the internet. Boy was I wrong.

Happier?
Truth be told, I think that before the internet, I was happier. I always found something else to do - but I did have times where I didn't do much of anything, though not nearly as much as I do now. I always tell people that too much television will rot your brain. I now think that this is true via the internet. I guess that it has made me a vegetable in some respects.

Well, Not ALL Bad...
I can't say that everything bad in my life is because of the internet - that wouldn't be fair. I have made some good friends, had some good times, and exchanged valuable information, as well as goodies! I won't deny that, but I wonder if it's time to just let it all go and be an occasional user instead of a chronic user. This would mean that the blog would be updated about once a week, rather than every few days.

Addiction...
I'll admit that I was addicted to the pc and internet. I had my usual rituals (Ebay for the most part,) and several forums and discussion boards. I was also an mIRC junkie, and used Yahoo, MSN, and AIM. For me to lose contact in all of these has been really hard for me. I feel like I need a "fix," but no one can give it to me. Maybe it's time to just admit that I have a problem, and to address it.

Turning My Back On Technology...
I guess that this would mean that I'm turning my back on technology if I decide not to even bother with fixing my pc. It's true that alot of my work was pc-based. Before that, I used to record my "songs" on my trusty, yet antiquated TASCAM 4-track recorder. Yes, it was limited, but I found ways to make my recordings sound pretty good. That was BEFORE I found out about all the cool stuff you could do with a digital sound editor. Now I don't know if I could go back to doing things the old way - It's like stripping me of my tools. Without them, I'm useless.

Things That I Have Been Doing...
Well, I've pretty much reverted back to doing things circa 1996. I've been recording LPs on open reel tape, and tweaking and calibrating my deck to the point of near overkill. I spend hours doing this, sometimes till the wee hours of the morning. Since I don't have satellite tv anymore, I don't watch much television. I never really did to begin with, which is why I had to give it back to my roomies' kid, so she can watch her shows. Oh well - It's not the end of the world.

I've also been playing around with my radio transmitters - AM and FM. They are flea-powered, but they give me something else to do. I do use a very old pc for the music to play over them. I do like the convenience of winamp and what it offers. I can deal with that. It's my personal jukebox, so that's not a big deal. In that sense, I would not be totally turning my back on technology. I guess that it's nearly impossible to do!

We also have a swimming pool in the back yard, so that lets me get outside and get some sun. I do feel better after I have been outside for a while. Sometimes I even have fun in the pool with everyone else. I don't swim much, per se, but I do like to relax in the water, letting the sun's rays hit me.

Idle Time...
With all this idle time, it's hard not to get depressed (especially in the evening,) and I have to hide the razor blades (for obvious reasons.) Sometimes I do OK and I don't think about it - other times it's not so easy. Today was one of those days where it was very hard to resist the temptation. I guess listening to Nine Inch Nails doesn't help either. I'm sure that I'll eventually cut myself, and when I do, I'm going straight to the hospital to get help. I just don't want to get to that point.

Why?
I was afraid to tell my therapist today that I've had those thoughts. She asked if I had suicidal thoughts - I told her that I have not, and this is true. I guess that this might be classified in the same category, perhaps? I wonder if Lamictal is making me feel this way, or if I'm just in the low-end of the cycle. I quit tracking my moods a while ago, which was foolish. No sense in beating myself up for that - I just lost track of things.

Trimming The Fat...
To pay for rent and other expenses, I've slowly been selling off musical gear that I don't use anymore. It's not a loss, really. I just have less that I need to take with me when I move. I think that eventually I will have to sell off the entire studio, so I'm preparing myself for that. I think that I'm going to have to hit rock bottom, and start over again. It's really not the end of the world, but it is indeed an inconvenience. I mean, I can always buy more gear later on when I have the money. I can just visit friends when I get a musical spark of creativity. There are things that I will NOT part with though - my guitar and amp, and the bass. If it came down to that, those are the things I refuse to part with.

Should I Let Go?
I have so much stuff from my past that I've seriously been thinking of just selling off. I have an extensive music collection, in various formats, that could probably get me quite a bit on Ebay - vintage stereo equipment that I could auction off as well - a Johnny Lightning die-cast car collection (bought most when I was manic,) and a few other things.

Foolish?
Some might think that this is foolish, and that it goes beyond most of my beliefs. I can see their point, but I think that alot of my problems are rooted in that very past, which involved alot of that stuff. Maybe it's time to throw away that Cure CD - or maybe even all of the damned things. Hell, maybe give them to GoodWill. Maybe I AM wasting my time with obsolete technology, and that I would be happier if I would quit obssessing over silly shit like how vinyl sounds better than CDs. I should just dumb myself down and just be like anyone else who doesn't care about that stuff. There are certainly better things to worry about than quality sound reproduction! Ultimately, it's a waste of time, and not many people care about it. Why should I then? I just have to find other things to do in my life that don't involve perfection, or the impossible task of achieving it. If you think about it, that truly is a waste of time.

The Simple Life...
Maybe it would be better if I just joined a union, got a real job and made good money - so that I can just come home, open a can of beer, sit down, and watch TV all night, only to wake up in the morning so that I can do it all over again. Yeah, it would be nice to make $25/hour just doing stuff like moving the levers in an air-conditioned cab of a crane or a payloader. Then, at the end of the day, get into my $50,000 Dodge truck, decked out with all the goodies and head for home. At least I would probably not be in debt anymore, and I could afford to take real vacations, and to buy new things, not secondhand. Of course, I'd have my guitar and amp, as well as my bass with its amp. I don't think that I'd have a collection of sorts, but I'd have a few nice things. I mean, why have several variants of one thing? It's rather ridiculous, don't you think?

My Thoughts on Collecting...
The older I get, the more that I think this is so. I collected things in the past quite a bit. I was very unhappy, and it was my escape from reality. It's the "wall" that I created to compensate for my unhappiness in the world. Now, I'm not saying that everyone who collects things is an unhappy person, but you do have to wonder. Is a guy such as Steve Howe, of the band Yes, really truly happy? He has nearly 1,000 guitars in his collection, and it's constantly changing. I wonder if he is satisfied - apparently not. I know that it's an insatiable appetite, and it just keeps going. When does it end? I guess for me, it has to end soon, if not now.

Starting Over...
Perhaps if I get rid of all these icons from my past, I will sooner forget those troubled times. As far as thoughts go, maybe ECT will erase them as well. It's definitely an option. Lots of useless knowledge will probably be lost, but it wouldn't be the end of my world. Maybe then, and only then, would I be able to get on with my life and live "normally." Maybe I'll join a church or something, find the woman of my dreams, and have two lovely kids. Maybe I'll end up driving a minivan and living in a nice $250,000 home, and wanting nothing else. Now to stifle those creative urges... Well, at least I could write...

Update:

2005-07-05T21:31:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm still alive, and things are still frustrating, but not that bad. It's hard to deal with - perhaps it will make me stronger. I've been recording my "posts" on my microcassette recorder, so I'll have to "dub" them over when I get a new cell phone. One way or another, it will all work out. Thanks for your geninue concern for me. I truly appreciate it. Talk to you soon.

If That Wasn't Enough...

2005-06-26T13:24:00.000-05:00

And now...This...
To add injury to insult, my cell phone died an untimely death last night. I accidentally dropped it in water, thereby causing its innards to be virtually useless. Fortunately, I can still access the numbers that I've saved, and my voicemail can be accessed via another phone. Still, I feel even more cut off from the world. I'm waiting for an important call, and now it won't come. *Sigh*

Oh well...maybe this happened for a reason. I'm just not sure why though.

Status Report...And A Surprise!

2005-06-26T03:04:00.000-05:00

Now for the Bad News...
Unfortunately, my pc is still down for the count. It appears that the power supply is the culprit. The sad thing is, I don't have enough money to buy a new one. They are usually included inside of a new case. I've had the same PC case since 1997! The guts inside have all changed, but the power supply is still the same one. I was expecting it to go sooner or later. This could explain why even after I defragged, virus and spyware scanned, that my 450 mhz PIII would run slower than my old 233 PII. That's pretty sad.

What Else?
Well, needless to say, Thursday was a terrible day, for the most part. Besides my pc going to hell, my VCR ate a favorite tape of mine, my roomies were asking when I'd have the rent, and something else... Oh yeah...Vocational Rehab basically won't help me find work until I get my anxiety issues worked out. I can't wait on them - I just have get out there and find work myself. This time not enlisting the aid of them when I have an axiety or panic attack. More on this later.

Later That Evening...
Well, due to all this, I was beginning to feel quite a bit more than just irritated. I could feel it all building up inside of me - waiting to burst forth and explode somewhere. I went to my group therapy session, and as usual, felt that I wasn't accepted, despite a few others to tell me that was not the case - and one of them even gave me a list of possible employers! I was really glad for this though. It gave me sights to shoot for. I will most certainly check them out. Besides this, I was feeling really out of my element, as I do when I try to talk about regular things with other people in a group setting.

What To Say...
I find it very hard to just blurt something out, though it is encouraged. My therapist noticed that I was quiet again, and did his best to find out why. I just told him that I was having a really bad day, and that things would be OK. Shortly after that, it seemed that I was getting the cold shoulder from most folks in the group. Instead of feeling bad about this, I began to feel angry, and it fed the feeling that I had been dealing with already. When I left, I nearly kicked my car sideways again when I pulled out onto the main road. It was then that I knew I was going to reach the second phase...somewhere that I haven't been in a very long time.

R-A-G-E
When I pulled into my driveway, I could feel the tension building quickly and ready to break at any second. I began to take my notes out of my car and head for the house, but I stopped dead in my tracks. It was then that a previous thought from an earlier conversation with one of my roomies set me off. He always like to throw it in my face that he has a girlfriend. That's just not cool. I choose not to have anyone in my life because I am way too unstable to maintain a relationship, and to put up with the baggage that comes with it. I've had enough head trips and the like for the rest of my lifetime. Perhaps I'm being unrealistic. Anyway, that totally set me off, and I began to hit and kick my car as hard as I could, yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs. I nearly jumped on top of the hood and started to scream some more.

Making Contacts...
This went on for nearly 10 minutes and I stopped abruptly. I noticed that I was trembling and I wanted to cry. I didn't, however - I stood there for a few more minutes, and decided that I needed to take a walk to cool down. I dialed up a very good friend of mine who lives quite far away now. She's always been there for me, and I am eternally grateful for this. She made me laugh several times, which is no easy task when I am furious. She has that ability which no one else has. After about a nice 15 minute walk, I was headed for home, and was feeing much better.

A Friend?
About 15 minutes later, my phone rings. I answer it, and it's her again. She said that a friend of hers is going to be at our gig tomorrow night, and he'll give me a hug from her. I was a little leery about that, but I went along with it. Honestly, I had totally forgotten about it on Friday night, when I came into the restaurant. But I did notice out of the corner of my eye, that there was a girl sitting at the bar, all by herself in the back, who seemed to be looking at me when I looked at her. I kept making eye contact from a distance, and thought to myself, "Now why would a pretty girl like that sit all by herself in this place?" I was thinking, "finally, someone is actually paying attention to me," which fueled me even more with a sense of curiosity.

Hello, Sexy!
I found an excuse to walk by her - I wanted to go up to the soundboard and make sure that everything was OK. I talked to the owner for a minute, glanced over at her again, and then I KNEW who she was! I looked over and got a really good look at her face - It was so familiar. I'd know that smile anywhere! We both looked at each other, smiling and immediately hugged each other for a long time. She gave me a little kiss on the neck too. WOW! She had moved away last year, got a good-paying job, and lost ALOT of weight! I thought that she was good looking before, but now she's a BABE!

Hot Damn!
She has turned into an extremely attractive woman - I can't deny that. We hung around and talked alot before I had to go onstage. I was so elated to see her! She had really surprised me! "So, you're the friend that was supposed to give me a hug, eh?" I asked her. "Pretty clever, huh?" She answered back. I just smiled and laughed. She said that after the day I had yesterday, and the fact that she was in town for some other occasion, she HAD to come and see me. I was so flattered by this. Of course, this fired me up for the gig! I played so passionately and tirelessly that we brought the house down! She was always impressed with my musical prowess - she says that every time she sees me, she is more impressed. Wow! What a compliment!

My "Girlfriend"
It's funny - many people at the bar thought that she was my girlfriend, because we were hugging each other for so long, and hanging onto each other. Such is not the case, however - we are very, very good friends, and we don't mind touching each other. OK - so not in THAT way. I would never want to screw up a friendship like ours - she's way too special. Truth be told that I could marry someone like her, but it just can't BE her. (Sigh)

Memories...
I do miss our times together hanging out - getting a bite to eat, going shopping, or watching a movie. I used to come over to her grandma's house and visit her grandma, mother, and her brother. I was treated like family, and was always welcome to stop on by. They are like my second family - I would go over there for holiday dinners and birthday parties, or just to hang out and watch TV. During those times, it was nice to be able to put my worries aside and just enjoy myself.

Caring and Sharing...
She always makes sure that I was feeling OK, and does her best to cheer me up when I am down and out. She would notice that I was pretty stressed out, so I'd get treated to a massage - by the end of it, I was ready to just lay down for a nap! I felt so much at ease when we were together - there is such a special bond between us. I wouldn't trade it for the world! I've thought several times of moving out where she is - she seems so much happier there than she was here.

I'd Be Gone, But...
It seems alot of people feel this way. If it wasn't for the band and possible success somewhere down the line (and a lack of funds as well,) I would get a U-Haul and move out there. I know that I would be more than OK out there, but it would be a huge step for me. Maybe one day I'll do it, when I am sure that I am ready.

I Like This!
So here I sit now...still pretty happy and enjoying it. We are going to get together again before she leaves town on Monday. I look foward to this as well. It will be nice to catch up on old times and the like. We both missed each other more than words can say. Those hugs and kisses made me feel warm inside, and very special. She brought a huge ray of sunshine into my life again! After the week I was having, I needed that! THANK YOU!!!!

A quick note:
It seems that my audio posting capabilities will be on hold for a little while - either my phone died (long story,) or it got turned off. I was behind on payments, so maybe that's why I can't get a signal. I'm not sure yet. The phone is still recovering from its mishap, so we'll see what happens. I'm crossing my fingers, and I hope that you do too. I have a feeling that it will all work out eventually, as it usually does. There is a calm AFTER the storm as well.

What Have I Been Doing?
As far as daily activities go, since the pc is down, I've been doing my household duties, going for walks, swimming, blowing the dust off of my tapes, and recording some great albums (yes, VINYL,) that I just received from Creepyking in the mail a week ago. He has excellent taste in music, I must say. I thoroughly enjoyed both Nektar albums (Remember The Future, and Magic Is A Child,) 10cc ( Live and Let Live,which I've been searching YEARS for), and the last one - Wishbone Ash (Live Dates Volume Two.)

Hi-Fi Heaven!
They all have been receiving constant rotation on my turntable. I have them all recorded to open reel tape. They sound so good, let me tell you! I had forgotten just how great Wishbone Ash really is! They are such a tight band, and really know how to rock out! The album was such a pleasant surprise. Thanks again, Creepyking! You will get what I promised you in return. I would listen to it again right now, but I'm at my buddy's place, staying the night. Actually, I could walk home and do it, but I don't want to wake anyone that may be sleeping on the couch. Besides, I'm surounded by guitars, amps, and two comfy couches that are calling out my name.

Top Form...
Tonight's jam here was great, and it made me realize that I'm not the one-trick pony guitar player that I thought I was! I do have quite an arsenal at my disposal, but I guess I do get a bit nervous on the stage. This is only true for playing guitar, not bass. I don't feel nearly as much pressure. It seems to make sense. But, as time rolls on, I'm going to let more and more of my true self shine through with the guitar playing. We tuned an old Strat to open G tuning for slide work, something I've always messed with, but never ontstage. I feel that I'm ready to bring it out and have some fun! Think Sonny Landreth, or Lowell George, and you'll get the idea! I just hope that at least a few guys know some Little Feat songs! If not, I'll just go off in some crazy jam, not knowing where it will end up. I like that though - it keeps things fresh and exciting!

That's All The Time We Have For Now...
Well, I guess it's time for me to lay down for a while, and get some well-deserved rest. I spent the afternoon in our pool and laid on the deck, so I'm pretty crisp. Hell, at this rate, I might even get a tan! Wish me luck! I'll keep in touch as much as I can until I get my pc up and running again. But please, remember this: Yes, Folks - There IS life after the PC and/or Internet!

2005-06-23T20:39:00.000-05:00

2005-06-22T15:25:00.000-05:00

10.5 Inches of Fun...

2005-06-19T14:26:00.000-05:00

Wait A Minute!!!
I know what you're thinking - this is alluding to something sexual. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's not. (laugh) It's referring to a tape that I'm listening to now, a reel that was recorded sometime about 1986. It's one of those big monsters, rolling at a slow speed (3.75 inches per second) which makes for 3 hours per side of non-stop music. It was a great party tape. Anyway...I know I'm obssessed with vintage stuff - living in the past. When people tell me that I'm too young for that, I let out a little chuckle, and walk away.

Previous Rant
I promised to go into detail of my stance toward authority figures. Here goes. I know that we need some order and rules within our lives, because human nature is to go too far in one way or another. We need some set rules or boundaries to keep us under control. As children, we needed this in order for us to grow and assume responsibility within our lives - I won't argue there. What really bugs me is the continual micro-chasm of laws, ordinances and the like. They refine and specify even moreso all the time.

Light Pollution!
Did you know that there is a such thing as LIGHT POLLUTION? This organization was started to advocate laws regarding this "crime!" One of the towns in my area has actually passed an ordiance regarding this unspeakable sin. If you have one of these night lights outside your door with an infra-red sensor, you'd better turn it off, or face the risk of a fine. I mean, a noise ordinance is bad enough (my band almost got fined at one of the jam nights,) but COME ON! What's next? A dirty looks ordinance? God help me, but if this world gets too "careful," like a Utopian society, I'm definitely going to be one of the bad guys. I'd be like Wesley Snipes in "Demolion Man," racking up demerits. I guess that I'm a terrorist now, eh? Take me to the prison camps and torure me merciilessly.

Don't Ask...It's Illegal!
Seriously, if they keep passing all these damn laws, that's what it's going to come to. Who are they to decide what's best for ME? Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't we supposed to have freedom and rights in this country? Once again, it's all about balancing that scale I referred to a few months ago. Did you know that in some parts of New York that it's actually illegal to spit anywhere on the streets or sidewalks? Yes, they actually enforce it! It's funny - if you do some research, you will find that there are indeed some stupid laws on the books. However, many of them aren't enforced anymore, due to the absurdity of them. Still, every day, someone whines about something (actually an interest group lobbies for it,) and a really pathetic law gets passed eventually - I HATE THAT! (in an Andy Rooney sort of voice.)

Vulgar Display of Power...
Another thing that really irks me is when authorities go overboard with enforcing laws - the police man who writes you several tickets and has the GALL to tell you to have a nice day. Tell him to fuck off, and he'll haul you in! You know what? If I knew that I was getting hauled in, I'd certainly make it worth my while and kick his ass! Aggravated assault? What? Nope - I'm a mental case, of course pleading temporary insanity. Trust me - it works.

Homeowner's Associations...
Still, some other folks in authoritative positions take it to the extreme. How many of you live where there is a homeowners association? I'm talking about those prim and proper subdivisions, (gated communties even,) where almost everyone is pretty much affluent and very snobby. They whine about things like TV antennas, people working on their cars, and HOW TALL THE GRASS IS! I've heard stories where they actually fine people for that. Sad thing is, they do have some power, because of the contract that you have to sign before moving into that neighborhood. Here are a few examples of what I am talking about. People have had cars towed away, and admonished for oil spots on their driveway. It just makes me SICK!

How I Feel...
The more I read about these types of people, the more I want to make their perfect little lives a complete hell. Don't even THINK about towing away my Hemi Cuda that is sitting by the garage, patiently waiting for paint and a new engine! If you don't like my 150 foot radio tower in my backyard, DON'T LOOK AT THE FUCKING THING! Sure, I"ll mow my grass, but it's not going to be perfect, I can assure you. What's that? You guys don't like the color that I've painted my house? TOO FUCKING BAD - DEAL WITH IT! Don't like my music playing just a little too loud? Turn up your stereo/tv or just close the windows!

Please...
Most of all GET A FUCKING LIFE, OK? It's people like YOU that make this country a hell to live in. You and your gated communities thinking that you're better than everyone else. Before you came along, I used to ride my motorcyle out in those fields, having a blast in my youth! Now you took it away - thanks, you money-grubbing developers and real-estate agents! Now we have 10 or more acres of $300,000+ homes with these "perfect" people living in them - guaranteed to have a Mercedes or a Hummer in the driveway. Gee, I think that I'll crash the gates on my Honda dirtbike and turf some yards - what do you think? I kindly raise my middle finger to you - you Utopian scum-sucking pigs! GET A LIFE!!!!!

Taking A Stand...
I'm not going to apologize for all this. If you happen to be one of those people that I just described, then please, take it to heart and grill me! I'll get the satisfaction of know that I've pissed you off, or even better, that I've OFFENDED you (the ULTIMATE sin in today's politcally correct world.) Granted, I know that not all affluent folks are in this category - as a result I respect you immensely. I think that it's possible to have alot of money and still be down- to-Earth.

Sis...
A good example is my sister - she happens to be a lawyer, and a damn good one at that! She makes quite a bit of money, but doesn't flaunt it, nor is she of that snobby stereotype. She's a good woman, with a good head on her shoulders. Her husband happens to be a full-on hillbilly, has a full set of tools in the garage, and does alot of mechanical work. Once again, I respect him as well. Damn, I wish that he'd let me drive that Ram with the Hemi in it! Oh well...
I just won't let him drive mine. ;) Think of Nash Bridges and you'll know what I'm talking about!

Buh-Bye...
As for me, I'm just going to sit here and listen to the rest of Side One of this kick ass tape! I have a really funny story regarding my "dinosaur" later on! Then, I'm going to hop in my ride, kick it sideways pulling out of the driveway (tires blazing,) and blast down the main drag. I need to show those kids in their Mustangs who's boss. Watch my taillights fade to black...

Taillights Fade
by Buffalo Tom

Sister can you hear me now
The ringing in your ears
I'm down on the ground
My luck's been dry for years

I'm lost in the dark
And I feel like a dinosaur
Broken face and broken hands
I'm a broken man

I've hit the wall
I'm about to fall
But I'm closing in on it
I feel so weak
On a losing streak
Watch my taillights fade to black

I read a thing about this girl
She was a hermit in her world
Her story was much like mine
She could be my valentine

And although we've never met
I won't forget her yet
She cut herself off from her past
Now she's alone at last

I feel so sick
Lost love's last licks
But I'm closing down on it
I feel so weak
On a losing streak
Watch my taillights fade to black

Lost my life in cheap wine
Now it's quiet time
Cappy Dick nor Jesus Christ
Could not help my fate

But I'm underneath a gun
I'm singing about my past
Had myself a wonderful thing
But I could not make it last

I've hit the wall
I'm about to fall
But I'm closing in on it
I feel so small
Underneath it all
Watch my taillights fade to black
..Watch my taillights fade
..Watch my taillights fade
..Watch my taillights fade

I Want To Rant, But I Cant!

2005-06-16T21:27:00.000-05:00

ARRRRRGHHH!
Times like this are frustrating! I have alot of things that I could rant about, but my thoughts are all over the place, and I'm "rattled!" When that happens, I tend to focus on the anger and not much else. This makes it next to impossible to come up with any coherent thoughts. Honestly, in moments like this, I'm used to getting physical and taking out my aggression (like a barbarian.)

Think of that poor Muppet on Sesame Street (named Don Music,) that used to try to write a song, but would always hit a snag because he couldn't find the word to rhyme - He'd bang his head on the piano and scream. Today, I am that guy! Maybe I should have someone video tape my antics so that I can post them here. Of course, I would leave them raw and uncut, just for your amusement.

Let's just say that I have alot on my mind, and it concerns the constant pathetic evolution of the human race. When I'm ready, I'll come back and say what's on my mind. Beware, those of you who are sensitive, self-righteous, judgemental, or who happen to be authority figures - you might not like what you see.

STAY TUNED...

2005-06-16T20:36:00.000-05:00

The Wedding, The Gig, and Other Things...

2005-06-15T13:46:00.000-05:00

Late!
Yes, I know I'm late posting about the details of what went down at the wedding, but I truly did not have much to say for a few days. As a matter of fact, the last few postings were just something to keep me posting actively. Anyway, here's what the scenario consisted of:

Wedding...
The wedding itself lasted only an hour. It was a very brief Catholic ceremony - short and to the point. I think that many people were relieved that the bride and groom wanted it this way. I'm not religious by any mean, nor am I an atheist - however, I don't believe that you have to go through what seems endless rounds of prayer and song during a wedding ceremony. Besides this, your legs, knees, and feet get tired from having to get up and sit down repeatedly. Admittedly, I can NEVER stay awake during a sermon - they put me to sleep! I still don't know what to make of that yet. I guess I just get so bored...yawn...

Reception
The reception started 2 hours after the wedding ceremony ended. On the way there, that feeling of dread was in the pit of my stomach. I knew that one of my ex-girlfriends was going to be there at the very least. What I didn't know is that I would see someone from my past (from about 15 years ago,) that I wasn't expecting. Honestly, I could have done without seeing him too, as he betrayed my trust as a friend, through being a thief. I'm not sure whether to forgive him for what he did or not. It's not unspeakable, but he did betray my trust. Again, I ask...

What Would You Do?

Awkward
Dealing with my ex-girlriend was easy - I didn't say a word to her. She was with her ex-husband (who she kept going back to, in spite of the fact that he abuses her, ) so I just imagined that they weren't even there. I thought about saying hello, but it wasn't neccessary. I made my rounds, talking to my friends that attended, and avoided strangers at all costs. It's very hard for me to make small talk with people that I don't know, or people that I haven't seen in a long time. As usual, I felt out of place and that I stuck out like a sore thumb in the reception hall. It's very strange when nearly all your friends are at the wedding party table, and you end up sitting at a table with folks that you don't even know. I decided to to to their table and socialize. I found comic relief at least, which helped to ease the tension I was feeling.

Funny Stuff
The wedding party was asked to enter the lobby for their pictures. I waited silently for everyone to come back. That few minutes felt like 30 minutes to me. Suddenly, I heard some very familiar music come across the PA system. It was WWE wrestler Kurt Angle's entrance theme! If you follow wrestling at all, you know that when Kurt enters with that music, everyone chants, "YOU SUCK....YOU SUCK....YOU SUCK..." to the beat of the music. This happened without fail, of course. The wedding party was chanting it as the bride and groom entered the hall. This was just the beginning of a very unorthodox evening, or at least the taste that I got!

Chaos Rampant!
Needless to say, as the drink flows, the party goes right there with it. I found myself comfortable enough to crack some jokes, which were actually pretty funny. Sometimes I have this ability to make others laugh - other times, the jokes are too "inside" for anyone to get. I should have written them down on a napkin or something. My old friend "G" was there, and his thing is to point out the fact that I am bald. I just retorted that I don't need to look like a caveman anymore, and that I was a member of The Elite. This got quite a few laughs, and made me feel really good! Everyone was dancing, and having a great time - some playing pranks on one another as they danced. I remember laughing hysterically many times. I haven't done that in a long, long time, and it felt great. It's true - laughter is one of the best medicines that you can use.

Time Flies...
I mingled with some other friends for a little while longer. I glanced at my watch and noticed that it was nearly nine o'clock. This meant that I had to leave for the gig. Reluctantly, I grabbed my change of clothes, said my farewells, and headed up north. When I got to the gig, the guys were waiting for me - they had everything set up, ready to go. All I needed to do was a simple tune-up of my guitars, and I was on my way.

The Gig
We didn't have much of a crowd at first - just the usual friends and family that would come out to see us. That consisted of about a dozen or so people in the beginning. The first set was pretty good - the only real trouble we had was tweaking the PA, since we didn't have a sound man. We did manage to get it dialed in, without too many attacks of ear-splitting feedback (always a plus!) I had sore fingers that were still recovering from a few weeks ago, but I managed to get past the pain, and to use them to their full capabilities. I guess eating fried chicken before a gig (ala Jaco Pastorius) does have an advantage! The other sets went pretty well too, aside from a few minor setbacks. These will always happen, and they aren' t worth mentioning. One of the waitresses (who I admittedly have a crush on,) sat down to watch us play when she wasn't doing her rounds. I always feel flattered when someone takes the time to watch us play. This fuels me even more, which turns up the intensity to yet another level. Pretty soon, I'm so 'jacked up' that I hate to come down from that stage!

Great!
All in all, another great gig. We kicked ass and took names. We managed to hold the crowd until the end. For any band, this a great accomplishment. It means that you do make an impact, and that people do listen to you. It's such a great feeling to have someone come up to you after you have played your heart out - to compliment the band and especially yourself. I guess I feed off of that quite a bit.

Safety
For those few hours, I feel that I am above average, and I'm not afraid to go "off the wall" doing things like dance while I play, jump around, play behind my back, or make these hilarious faces that I wouldn't ordinarily be caught making. It's a totally "carte blanche" moment for me, and I just do whatever I feel like doing. I see alot of "Jaco" in myself, but I'm not ready to do backflips off of my amp (Yet!)

Funny?
It's funny - put a bass in my hand, and I'm not afraid of anything. Take it away, however, and I'm a totally different person. I dread saying this, but it is true - if I'm not playing my music, or doing something related to production or recording, I'm basically miserable. That doesn't mean that I'm miserable all the time - If I make myself go out for a walk, go visit family and friends, or socialize with the roomies, I do tend to feel better. By force of habit, I tend to self-isolate. I'm so used to being alone that I don't think about it, at least for a while. Keeping yourself company tends to be sickening after a while, because you know what's coming up next, and there is no variety. The lack of interaction is extremely boring, and the novelty wears off quite quickly. You need someone to bounce ideas off of, to support you in your endeavors, and to be there for you in times of need. It's also great to be there for them when they need you, no matter how insignificant or important the situation is.

I'll admit, I'm still learning how to give back to people, and to hear their side of the situation. I have yet to become comfortable enough to offer suggestions or advice based on my experiences. All in due time, this will come about. For now, it's all about learning the ropes in life - things that I didn't really learn much about while growing up.

Jaco - RIP, buddy. You're sorely missed.

Let's Go Back In The Wayback Machine...

2005-06-14T13:03:00.000-05:00

Welcome to WANK Radio - circa 1996
A good friend of mine just sent me this picture about a week ago. It's a picture of the second incarnation of my first real pirate radio station - WANK Radio 87.9 FM. I actually had more tied up in the studio equipment than the transmitter itself! Still, I was very thrifty, and made do with what I had (notice the turntables?)

Technology in 1996
The computer was a "State-of-The-Art" Packard Bell. I believe that it was a 486! I tried to use it to edit audio, but the technology was still fairly primitive at that time. I was still doing my editing via the two Revox open reel decks on the right. I was well versed in the art of using razor blades (to edit tape, of course.) My friends thought that I was a lunatic - they just smiled and nodded as I went along cutting and pasting the bits and pieces of tape together. Of course, if you've been following me for quite some time now, you know what my stance is regarding technology - that goes without saying.

Let's Try This...
Lots of folks were confused as to why a 22-year old kid was using those "dinosaurs," when cassettes with great recording quality were readily available. They just didn't get it. You have to be a true hi-fi geek to truly appreciate my point of view. To prove my point, pull the tape out of a cassette's shell. Now, get a razor blade - cut through the tape, and lay it flat on the table. OK - now comes the fun part! I want you to put it back together so that there is no click or pop at that edit point. What's that? Impossible you say? Not really - but it is a pain in the ass! OK - I proved my point. And just to be a nice guy, I'll even splice the cassette back together for you.

OK...
I'm not sure if this is all a totally coherent thought, but the picture really inspired it. I'm just having another nostalgia headtrip. Ahh....the good ol' days! Where are Mr Peabody and Sherman when you need them? Perhaps they are on the TV now...

The Dancing Horse...

2005-06-14T12:58:00.000-05:00

I found this by accident, while looking for funny animal pictures. I'm sure that you'll enjoy it too. The illustrations are quite amusing, but the fables themselves are even more so. Forgive the dated nature of the writing (with phrases that are somewhat archaic by today's standards.) You might have to do some googling to find out what he's talking about. Sullivant still gets his point across effectively, with the illustrations. Anyway... Have fun!

I think that the cover illustration would be a great cover photo for my next CD side project. It's also my WALLPAPER OF THE WEEK! Yes, I know I'm weird.

Time for a laugh...

2005-06-13T00:13:00.000-05:00

You could only imagine what's going through this little kitty's head right now...

http://compilers.cs.ucla.edu/~kchang/pictures/funny/animals/cat_hat.jpg

Hey, ariK, you think that Penny would like that? LOL!

Yay! It worked!

2005-06-11T17:41:00.000-05:00

As you can see, I sometimes post an audioblogger entry. I like to say what's on my mind, "on the go," literally. Thoughts come to me while driving, waiting in line, or in between sets. I love to have that spur-of-the-moment ability to jot down that idea that is brewing in my mind. Since the batteries in my trusty microcassette recorder died, I've been using the audioblogger feature more often. Now, instead of having boxes full of microcassettes, I'll have CD-R's full of my audioblog entries! How conveeeeeenient! Don't be afraid to give them a listen - sometimes I have something introspective to say, other times it's very heartfelt, and sometimes it's just a rant about something (ala Andy Rooney!)

More details tomorrow about Saturday's events!

Click and Listen!