Thursday, October 05, 2006
Monday, March 13, 2006
Blowing The Dust Off...
Hi everyone! I am checking in to let you know that I'm still alive. I may go into detail later about things going on in my life, as it hasn't been all roses. However, I'm not so dependent upon what others think or say. I was thinking of starting to audio blog again, but put the files on a server somewhere...just a thought.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Goodbye For Now
Well, I guess that this is goodbye for now. I am now doing much better for myself, and I couldn't feel much better. I am beginning to realize that there is indeed life after the internet, and that it was indeed an addiction. I'm not turning my back on technology - I'm just going to use the computer much less than I have in the past (remove all chat programs, etc. and pretty much only for my production stuff. Thank you everyone, and I wish you much success and happiness within your lives. Take care!
Danny
Danny
Monday, January 09, 2006
Cue: Norman Bates' Psycho Music...
...OH MY GOD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
This is what I said when I opened my refrigerator door! I saw a trail of blood - er, chocolate syrup dripping down the inside of the door and onto the crisper shelves (and then onto the freshly mopped floor!) Honestly, I heard the music and thought of Janet Leigh's character in the movie. Suddenly, I was Norman Bates - knowing that something terrible had happened, and that I'd better clean it up.
Da-Daaaa-Da-Dum...Da-Daaaa-Da-Dum....(Second part of the score)
A Bit Of Triva...
Did you know that Alfred Hitchcock used Hershey's chocolate syrup to simulate blood in "Psycho?" How ingenious! I can see it now - he says "Well, let's use chocolate syrup. The bloody audience won't even be able to tell, since it is indeed only in black and white!" I can see why Norman (played by Anthony Perkins) had one hell of a time trying to clean that stuff up! I learned for myself first hand today just how viscous (and sticky) that stuff is in copious amounts!
Plan Of Attack...
My first line of defense was to grab some damp paper towels and wipe the floor with them. I then left them to catch any remaining drips that might make their way to the floor. Next, I removed the offending bottle and (the others) on the shelf that it all began on. I decided to soak up as much as I could on the crisper shelves, finding out that you really have to use several damp towels to clean it up. The stuff spreads like oil, and it's easy to make the mess even bigger, or get it on your shirt sleeves. There - the drawers are done on the outside. But what about the inside? I had a nasty feeling as I opened the one on the right - sure enough, there was a pool of syrup in the corner, and I had to clean that out too. Once that was complete, I turned my attention to the shelf in the door and wiped it clean. Next, I grabbed each bottle, cleaned off the bottom and sides, and proceeded to put them back in their prior locations. The final step was cleaning the floor, again through courtesy of a wet paper towel. I am sure that I'm going to go over it again with the mop and pine-sol because it does feel a bit sticky in stocking feet. Whew!
The Culprit?
Simple - it was a bottle of Nesquik that had a small hole in the top of the cap! How I failed to notice this when I purchased it was anyone's guess. If it wasn't for the safety seal (which I usually despise,) the store would have had a hell of a mess on their hands! I'm guessing that it fell in transit, and the little shard of plastic broke off upon impact. Now, what I'm not sure of is this - did I buy it this way, or did I drop it and cause it to break? Remember, I do have a history of accidentally breaking things (by the way, you can add a candle to the list today!) The jury is definitely out on this one.
Note to self: Next time, buy the one with the spout you can lock down and verify it through the transparent cap!
As I Was Saying...
Oh, the candle? Well, that was definitely a boo-boo. I had it sitting on top of one of my stereo speakers (yeah, I know, smart.) It was sitting on a paper towel as well. I had the music up a little loud today, and was jamming while I was cleaning. I never stopped to look at the candle that was slowly vibrating itself closer and closer to the edge, until.....
CRRRAAASSSSSSHHH!!!
Yep, there's that old familiar sound again. It seems to re-occur time and time again within my life. I look down and see that my candle decided to commit Hari-Kari and assault one of my mic stands. The mic stand would have no part of this and decided to fight back by breaking the candle's glass jar into no less than one hundred tiny pieces! Of course I cleaned it up, watching for more shards, and admonishing myself in the process. I am so glad that I did not have that candle burning, or I would have had some serious trouble! Reason being is that within the vicinity of the incident was my guitar and amp, and my two basses, as well as my right channel stereo speaker (which is made of wood.) That stuff would have went up fast! Amazingly, I didn't cuss or scream - I just cleaned it up and went about my business...and grabbed another candle from the closet to replace the broken one. It's now sitting where the old one was. *Sigh* When will I ever learn?
On a short note: I wonder if I can sue Jeff Beck for making music so great that I was negligent of the well-being of my candle? Dare to dream, Danny! Just kidding, Jeff! YOU ROCK!!!
This is what I said when I opened my refrigerator door! I saw a trail of blood - er, chocolate syrup dripping down the inside of the door and onto the crisper shelves (and then onto the freshly mopped floor!) Honestly, I heard the music and thought of Janet Leigh's character in the movie. Suddenly, I was Norman Bates - knowing that something terrible had happened, and that I'd better clean it up.
Da-Daaaa-Da-Dum...Da-Daaaa-Da-Dum....(Second part of the score)
A Bit Of Triva...
Did you know that Alfred Hitchcock used Hershey's chocolate syrup to simulate blood in "Psycho?" How ingenious! I can see it now - he says "Well, let's use chocolate syrup. The bloody audience won't even be able to tell, since it is indeed only in black and white!" I can see why Norman (played by Anthony Perkins) had one hell of a time trying to clean that stuff up! I learned for myself first hand today just how viscous (and sticky) that stuff is in copious amounts!
Plan Of Attack...
My first line of defense was to grab some damp paper towels and wipe the floor with them. I then left them to catch any remaining drips that might make their way to the floor. Next, I removed the offending bottle and (the others) on the shelf that it all began on. I decided to soak up as much as I could on the crisper shelves, finding out that you really have to use several damp towels to clean it up. The stuff spreads like oil, and it's easy to make the mess even bigger, or get it on your shirt sleeves. There - the drawers are done on the outside. But what about the inside? I had a nasty feeling as I opened the one on the right - sure enough, there was a pool of syrup in the corner, and I had to clean that out too. Once that was complete, I turned my attention to the shelf in the door and wiped it clean. Next, I grabbed each bottle, cleaned off the bottom and sides, and proceeded to put them back in their prior locations. The final step was cleaning the floor, again through courtesy of a wet paper towel. I am sure that I'm going to go over it again with the mop and pine-sol because it does feel a bit sticky in stocking feet. Whew!
The Culprit?
Simple - it was a bottle of Nesquik that had a small hole in the top of the cap! How I failed to notice this when I purchased it was anyone's guess. If it wasn't for the safety seal (which I usually despise,) the store would have had a hell of a mess on their hands! I'm guessing that it fell in transit, and the little shard of plastic broke off upon impact. Now, what I'm not sure of is this - did I buy it this way, or did I drop it and cause it to break? Remember, I do have a history of accidentally breaking things (by the way, you can add a candle to the list today!) The jury is definitely out on this one.
Note to self: Next time, buy the one with the spout you can lock down and verify it through the transparent cap!
As I Was Saying...
Oh, the candle? Well, that was definitely a boo-boo. I had it sitting on top of one of my stereo speakers (yeah, I know, smart.) It was sitting on a paper towel as well. I had the music up a little loud today, and was jamming while I was cleaning. I never stopped to look at the candle that was slowly vibrating itself closer and closer to the edge, until.....
CRRRAAASSSSSSHHH!!!
Yep, there's that old familiar sound again. It seems to re-occur time and time again within my life. I look down and see that my candle decided to commit Hari-Kari and assault one of my mic stands. The mic stand would have no part of this and decided to fight back by breaking the candle's glass jar into no less than one hundred tiny pieces! Of course I cleaned it up, watching for more shards, and admonishing myself in the process. I am so glad that I did not have that candle burning, or I would have had some serious trouble! Reason being is that within the vicinity of the incident was my guitar and amp, and my two basses, as well as my right channel stereo speaker (which is made of wood.) That stuff would have went up fast! Amazingly, I didn't cuss or scream - I just cleaned it up and went about my business...and grabbed another candle from the closet to replace the broken one. It's now sitting where the old one was. *Sigh* When will I ever learn?
On a short note: I wonder if I can sue Jeff Beck for making music so great that I was negligent of the well-being of my candle? Dare to dream, Danny! Just kidding, Jeff! YOU ROCK!!!
Sunday, January 08, 2006
It's A SAD Situation...
A Possibility...
After reading Tabor's comment regarding my last post, I did some research to see if I have the classic winter blahs. The formal name for this is Seasonal Affective Disorder. It seems that this occurs due to the excessive production of melatonin in the brain. And to think that I actually have some melatonin pills in my cabinet! Those were left over from my travails with Geodon.
If The Shoe Fits...
Seems the symptoms are there - excessive eating, craving of sugary and starchy foods, and oversleeping. Lately, I have been sleeping 9-10 hours a day, and still getting sleepy later on. My mood isn't terrible, but it has a tinge of apathy and self-defeatist characteristics. I promised some friends that I would come over today, but I never made it there. I was going to call them and let them know that I'll come over tomorrow or Tuesday, but I never got to the point. One of them got angry with me for doing this before, and I can't blame her for that. She had made a nice dinner for all of us, and I never even gave the courtesy of a phone call. She knows that I struggle with depression quite frequently, but thinks to a degree that "it's all in my head." She doesn't understand...
Remedies...
They range from getting outside for an hour a day, to using full spectrum light therapy. I promised my therapist that I would go for an hour walk every day. Well, I did go out for a walk on Friday, and I felt invigorated after that. I guess that I was so wiped out on Friday night, that I couldn't get up early enough to go for a walk on Saturday. The same goes for today. And so the cycle continues...or does it? It seems that I lack energy, and that it takes so much effort sometimes just to walk out that door. Sometimes it seems that I'd rather clean house than stick a foot outside!
Cocktail for One...
It's a challenge dealing with this AND having bipolar disorder at the same time. What I feel right now is not really sadness - it's more of an emptiness. I don't feel worthless, but I do feel that there is not much going on right now, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm the master of isolating myself from everyone and everything, and that just makes it worse.
Action!
I could pick up the phone and make some much-needed calls. I think that I will do that. It's almost 9 o'clock, but that's ok. To sit here and just stare at the wall (or the screen) is not going to help much. After all, why did i choose to take a shower about an hour ago? Here I sit, dressed and ready to go...nowhere. I could go to a local jam night, but I don't know if my buddies are going to be there. It's so complicated, and I'll go into it later. For now, I will look into things that I can do to ease these empty feelings. It's like taking the edge off the dullness. How paradoxical is that?
"This too, shall pass."
After reading Tabor's comment regarding my last post, I did some research to see if I have the classic winter blahs. The formal name for this is Seasonal Affective Disorder. It seems that this occurs due to the excessive production of melatonin in the brain. And to think that I actually have some melatonin pills in my cabinet! Those were left over from my travails with Geodon.
If The Shoe Fits...
Seems the symptoms are there - excessive eating, craving of sugary and starchy foods, and oversleeping. Lately, I have been sleeping 9-10 hours a day, and still getting sleepy later on. My mood isn't terrible, but it has a tinge of apathy and self-defeatist characteristics. I promised some friends that I would come over today, but I never made it there. I was going to call them and let them know that I'll come over tomorrow or Tuesday, but I never got to the point. One of them got angry with me for doing this before, and I can't blame her for that. She had made a nice dinner for all of us, and I never even gave the courtesy of a phone call. She knows that I struggle with depression quite frequently, but thinks to a degree that "it's all in my head." She doesn't understand...
Remedies...
They range from getting outside for an hour a day, to using full spectrum light therapy. I promised my therapist that I would go for an hour walk every day. Well, I did go out for a walk on Friday, and I felt invigorated after that. I guess that I was so wiped out on Friday night, that I couldn't get up early enough to go for a walk on Saturday. The same goes for today. And so the cycle continues...or does it? It seems that I lack energy, and that it takes so much effort sometimes just to walk out that door. Sometimes it seems that I'd rather clean house than stick a foot outside!
Cocktail for One...
It's a challenge dealing with this AND having bipolar disorder at the same time. What I feel right now is not really sadness - it's more of an emptiness. I don't feel worthless, but I do feel that there is not much going on right now, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm the master of isolating myself from everyone and everything, and that just makes it worse.
Action!
I could pick up the phone and make some much-needed calls. I think that I will do that. It's almost 9 o'clock, but that's ok. To sit here and just stare at the wall (or the screen) is not going to help much. After all, why did i choose to take a shower about an hour ago? Here I sit, dressed and ready to go...nowhere. I could go to a local jam night, but I don't know if my buddies are going to be there. It's so complicated, and I'll go into it later. For now, I will look into things that I can do to ease these empty feelings. It's like taking the edge off the dullness. How paradoxical is that?
"This too, shall pass."
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
200....and Counting...
The Time Has Finally Come...
Yep. I am at that point in my life when I am beginning to actually gain weight (and keep it!) I used to hover around 185-190 lbs. at the most, but now I've hit the proverbial two-hundred pound mark (according to my parents' scale.) I re-weighed myself two other times, and the result was the same, so the average works out to 200. Wow - I really need to control my eating!
Oink, Oink!
Since I started cooking for myself, my portions have been rather large at times. I also find myself craving alot of cheese and sweet stuff, namely chocolate candy bars. It's not uncommon for me to go through a one-pound container of port wine or sharp cheddar cheese in two days. The stuff is just so damn good! But I don't think that I'm eating just because I'm craving the taste - I think that it's something else. Maybe it's for the same reason alot of people overeat - comfort.
Alone...
Now, don't get me wrong - I love my freedom. But there are times when I don't know what to do with myself, so I go right to the refrigerator and grab something to eat. At first, it was just a bowl of salad with bleu cheese dressing, croutons, and tomatoes. Now it's sharp cheddar or port wine cheese, summer sausage, and crackers. I also tend to consume alot of chocolate as well. For example - I went grocery shopping yesterday, and I bought a bag of Snickers candy bars (fun size.) I find myself getting into them nearly every time I go into the kitchen. I would say that 3/4 of the bag is gone now. I never thought that it would come to this - that I'd have to curb my eating.
Exercise...
When it was nice outside in the summer and fall, I used to walk around town, lap around the square a few times, and head home. Now that it's rather cold outside, I don't have the urge to go out and brave the elements for 30-60 minutes every day - perhaps I ought to. It might do me some good. It's hard to believe that at one time in my life I was athletic. You wouldn't know by looking at me.
Food = ?
It seems that the food is replacing something that is missing in my life. I don't think that it's a relationship or sex. I believe that is replacing my courage to get out there and do things when I'm not playing gigs. That has always been a big deal for me. I'm not a socialite, and I am not one for small talk. I find that alot of my ideals go against the grain, or that my jokes are not funny unless you know the inside references. As a result, I just stay in my apartment day and night for days on end, only leaving if absolutely necessary. It's similar to being depressed, but I don't feel down.
I Feel.....Bleh.
The word that I use to describe it is "bleh." Maybe I feel a tad depressed, but not overcome by it. I have been on the telephone alot today - mostly to confirm gigs, practices, etc. If I really feel awful, I usually try to reach out to someone in my support network. I haven't been suicidal in months, and I'm really proud of that. I guess that the novelty of being on my own has worn off, and being alone is just normal now. I guess this is where the food comes in - if I feel bad, I'll eat; then, I'll feel better. At least I am aware of it, and I want to do something about it. I would try the ABWheel, but every time I use the thing, it feels like I'm ripping myself apart. Pushups? I'm lucky if I can do one. The same goes for sit ups. Maybe I need to see my buddy in the city - he's a personal trainer, and he may have some ideas and or suggestions. I hope that he doesn't suggest putting eggs in the blender and drinking them! I'd have to say "no, thanks!"
In Other News...
Amidst all of this, I have been able to keep the house clean, do my dishes, and pay my bills, so it's not all for naught. I am going to get some sort of weekly/daily planner tool, and just plan out my days. I need some sort of structure to build upon. I find that when I'm busy, I'm usually much happier. I don't have time to think and dwell on things. I will never forget to give myself some free time, but I won't neglect things that need to be done either.
I guess that I'll just sit here until 10 p.m., and then go to bed. 40 minutes to go...
Yep. I am at that point in my life when I am beginning to actually gain weight (and keep it!) I used to hover around 185-190 lbs. at the most, but now I've hit the proverbial two-hundred pound mark (according to my parents' scale.) I re-weighed myself two other times, and the result was the same, so the average works out to 200. Wow - I really need to control my eating!
Oink, Oink!
Since I started cooking for myself, my portions have been rather large at times. I also find myself craving alot of cheese and sweet stuff, namely chocolate candy bars. It's not uncommon for me to go through a one-pound container of port wine or sharp cheddar cheese in two days. The stuff is just so damn good! But I don't think that I'm eating just because I'm craving the taste - I think that it's something else. Maybe it's for the same reason alot of people overeat - comfort.
Alone...
Now, don't get me wrong - I love my freedom. But there are times when I don't know what to do with myself, so I go right to the refrigerator and grab something to eat. At first, it was just a bowl of salad with bleu cheese dressing, croutons, and tomatoes. Now it's sharp cheddar or port wine cheese, summer sausage, and crackers. I also tend to consume alot of chocolate as well. For example - I went grocery shopping yesterday, and I bought a bag of Snickers candy bars (fun size.) I find myself getting into them nearly every time I go into the kitchen. I would say that 3/4 of the bag is gone now. I never thought that it would come to this - that I'd have to curb my eating.
Exercise...
When it was nice outside in the summer and fall, I used to walk around town, lap around the square a few times, and head home. Now that it's rather cold outside, I don't have the urge to go out and brave the elements for 30-60 minutes every day - perhaps I ought to. It might do me some good. It's hard to believe that at one time in my life I was athletic. You wouldn't know by looking at me.
Food = ?
It seems that the food is replacing something that is missing in my life. I don't think that it's a relationship or sex. I believe that is replacing my courage to get out there and do things when I'm not playing gigs. That has always been a big deal for me. I'm not a socialite, and I am not one for small talk. I find that alot of my ideals go against the grain, or that my jokes are not funny unless you know the inside references. As a result, I just stay in my apartment day and night for days on end, only leaving if absolutely necessary. It's similar to being depressed, but I don't feel down.
I Feel.....Bleh.
The word that I use to describe it is "bleh." Maybe I feel a tad depressed, but not overcome by it. I have been on the telephone alot today - mostly to confirm gigs, practices, etc. If I really feel awful, I usually try to reach out to someone in my support network. I haven't been suicidal in months, and I'm really proud of that. I guess that the novelty of being on my own has worn off, and being alone is just normal now. I guess this is where the food comes in - if I feel bad, I'll eat; then, I'll feel better. At least I am aware of it, and I want to do something about it. I would try the ABWheel, but every time I use the thing, it feels like I'm ripping myself apart. Pushups? I'm lucky if I can do one. The same goes for sit ups. Maybe I need to see my buddy in the city - he's a personal trainer, and he may have some ideas and or suggestions. I hope that he doesn't suggest putting eggs in the blender and drinking them! I'd have to say "no, thanks!"
In Other News...
Amidst all of this, I have been able to keep the house clean, do my dishes, and pay my bills, so it's not all for naught. I am going to get some sort of weekly/daily planner tool, and just plan out my days. I need some sort of structure to build upon. I find that when I'm busy, I'm usually much happier. I don't have time to think and dwell on things. I will never forget to give myself some free time, but I won't neglect things that need to be done either.
I guess that I'll just sit here until 10 p.m., and then go to bed. 40 minutes to go...
Monday, January 02, 2006
Time To Hit The Reset Button...Beeeeep!
A New Year - A New Frame of Mind
Happy New Year everyone! I hope that you had as great as a celebration as I did. It was fun playing our usual gig, but being on the bowling lanes themselves! It took a bit to get used to, but it wasn't impossible. All in all, it was alot of fun - now it's time to get back into the groove again....again....again....again...(sound of needle scratching a record.) I have to hit the "reset" button.
Wha?
New Year's always messes me up. Sometimes I sleep for 22-24 hours straight afterwards. Why I do this I have no idea. All I know is when I wake up, I feel pretty "zoned." It's like being refreshed and raring to go. Sometimes it takes a while to get out of that state. Thankfully, this year I didn't do that. I didn't come home on New Year's Day until midday. I cooked myself some dinner, and that's about all I really remember. I wasn't depressed - I just decided to keep to myself. I just needed some "alone" time.
Changes...Changes...
I've decided to deal with life differently. This mostly concerns dealing with other people (family, friends, etc.) I will do the best that I can, and if that's not enough, too bad! I will also NOT demean myself and beg for someone's forgiveness, nor will I pander to them. I'm tired of empty promises time and again (people promise things, but never deliver.) I guess to hell with them now. It's obvious that I'm not that important to them, so let's get on with our lives, shall we?
Life Goes On!
I send emails to people (really heartfelt stuff) and they don't bother to reply. That used to piss me off, but now I don't care. I guess we find out who are friends are (sooner or later.) My life is way too important to stop everything and wait for them. You live in your little world, and I'll live in mine - it's that simple. Succinctly put, I'm not playing the fool anymore - period. I feel better already!
Busy, Busy, Busy...
Seems I'm super busy with the music biz lately. I'm asked quite frequently to sit in or join yet another band. I think that the grand total now is four - including the one my buddy (who I already jam with) wants to put together. It's looking like a five to six night thing for me - I'm not complaining at all! It feels good to be sought after and "in demand." Apparently, this is my true calling in life - to be a musician/entertainer.
Stress and Priorities...
Sometimes it can be stressful, but at least I enjoy what I'm doing, and that makes a HUGE difference. I am trying to pace myself though, and not get overwhelmed. I do find it hard to say no, especially when so many offers are so tantalizing - top players, lots of talent, and opportunities! I will just have to be forthright and politely refuse when the need arises. And so begins the journey up the ladder...rung by rung...one step at a time.
Confidence or Conceit?
This is one area that I'm learning to discern the difference. I am actually at the point where I feel good enough that I am indeed worthy of what I have. However, I don't get cocky, or to the point where I feel that I'm the greatest. But...I do get to a point where if someone THINKS that they are better than me, I feel the need to "school" them. I guess it's my way of getting back at them. If they provoke me, I'll gladly oblige. Style, form, and versatility don't come from reading tablature in the latest issue of Guitar One, kids - remember that. Also, just because you own 14 basses and 10 amps doesn't make you great either - PRACTICE makes you great.
Jam...Jam...Jam...
Get out and jam with as many peope as you can. Of course, it's scary at first, but do it for a while. You'll be surprised at what happens, and how many friends you will make along the way! I was petrified the first time I played a jam night, but you know what? It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. My network has expanded tenfold, and I sit in with just about anyone who walks in the door and vice versa. I don't think that I'm the greatest thing since powdered milk, but I know that I don't suck either. This is a great place to be - this is about as "happy medium" as I can get right now. I can also accept the fact that not every jam is going to be perfect, and everyone communicates differently. This can create problems along the way, but true performers iron them out as they go.
Perfection, or "You Just Suck" - A Rant...
The standards that some people hold themselves (and others) to are just outright ridiculous! I mean, just because I didn't catch on to the tune right away doesn't mean that I suck! Did it ever occur to you that maybe I haven't HEARD the song to begin with? Chew on that, you acoustic guitar-toting, smug hippies! Don't bark out the chord changes to me, either - why not try shouting out a song title? If you want to do it in a different key, that's fine too, but don't be giving me harsh looks if it isn't turning out like you want it to. Remember, YOU were the one who decided to make things that much more difficult by changing the key of the song in the first place! I'm through feeling sorry for myself and not feeling good enough - it's YOUR turn!
Points To Remember...
I'm willing to be versatile and flexible, but don't bust my balls if it isn't perfect right away. Also remember that everyone has a different learning curve - perhaps yours is just a bit faster than mine. So be it - but don't you dare chastise me for not being on your level. I might just be having a bad day, and on a good day I just might "school" your ass. Be careful who you underestimate.
OK - it feels good to get that out - Whew! Maybe I should print that on the back of my business cards, eh? I probably won't get many calls then! Better to save it for the gigs and the musicians I play with. I think that I'm being reasonable and fair. I do take an interest in what you think, so if you have a comment, please fire away. Thanks!
Happy New Year everyone! I hope that you had as great as a celebration as I did. It was fun playing our usual gig, but being on the bowling lanes themselves! It took a bit to get used to, but it wasn't impossible. All in all, it was alot of fun - now it's time to get back into the groove again....again....again....again...(sound of needle scratching a record.) I have to hit the "reset" button.
Wha?
New Year's always messes me up. Sometimes I sleep for 22-24 hours straight afterwards. Why I do this I have no idea. All I know is when I wake up, I feel pretty "zoned." It's like being refreshed and raring to go. Sometimes it takes a while to get out of that state. Thankfully, this year I didn't do that. I didn't come home on New Year's Day until midday. I cooked myself some dinner, and that's about all I really remember. I wasn't depressed - I just decided to keep to myself. I just needed some "alone" time.
Changes...Changes...
I've decided to deal with life differently. This mostly concerns dealing with other people (family, friends, etc.) I will do the best that I can, and if that's not enough, too bad! I will also NOT demean myself and beg for someone's forgiveness, nor will I pander to them. I'm tired of empty promises time and again (people promise things, but never deliver.) I guess to hell with them now. It's obvious that I'm not that important to them, so let's get on with our lives, shall we?
Life Goes On!
I send emails to people (really heartfelt stuff) and they don't bother to reply. That used to piss me off, but now I don't care. I guess we find out who are friends are (sooner or later.) My life is way too important to stop everything and wait for them. You live in your little world, and I'll live in mine - it's that simple. Succinctly put, I'm not playing the fool anymore - period. I feel better already!
Busy, Busy, Busy...
Seems I'm super busy with the music biz lately. I'm asked quite frequently to sit in or join yet another band. I think that the grand total now is four - including the one my buddy (who I already jam with) wants to put together. It's looking like a five to six night thing for me - I'm not complaining at all! It feels good to be sought after and "in demand." Apparently, this is my true calling in life - to be a musician/entertainer.
Stress and Priorities...
Sometimes it can be stressful, but at least I enjoy what I'm doing, and that makes a HUGE difference. I am trying to pace myself though, and not get overwhelmed. I do find it hard to say no, especially when so many offers are so tantalizing - top players, lots of talent, and opportunities! I will just have to be forthright and politely refuse when the need arises. And so begins the journey up the ladder...rung by rung...one step at a time.
Confidence or Conceit?
This is one area that I'm learning to discern the difference. I am actually at the point where I feel good enough that I am indeed worthy of what I have. However, I don't get cocky, or to the point where I feel that I'm the greatest. But...I do get to a point where if someone THINKS that they are better than me, I feel the need to "school" them. I guess it's my way of getting back at them. If they provoke me, I'll gladly oblige. Style, form, and versatility don't come from reading tablature in the latest issue of Guitar One, kids - remember that. Also, just because you own 14 basses and 10 amps doesn't make you great either - PRACTICE makes you great.
Jam...Jam...Jam...
Get out and jam with as many peope as you can. Of course, it's scary at first, but do it for a while. You'll be surprised at what happens, and how many friends you will make along the way! I was petrified the first time I played a jam night, but you know what? It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. My network has expanded tenfold, and I sit in with just about anyone who walks in the door and vice versa. I don't think that I'm the greatest thing since powdered milk, but I know that I don't suck either. This is a great place to be - this is about as "happy medium" as I can get right now. I can also accept the fact that not every jam is going to be perfect, and everyone communicates differently. This can create problems along the way, but true performers iron them out as they go.
Perfection, or "You Just Suck" - A Rant...
The standards that some people hold themselves (and others) to are just outright ridiculous! I mean, just because I didn't catch on to the tune right away doesn't mean that I suck! Did it ever occur to you that maybe I haven't HEARD the song to begin with? Chew on that, you acoustic guitar-toting, smug hippies! Don't bark out the chord changes to me, either - why not try shouting out a song title? If you want to do it in a different key, that's fine too, but don't be giving me harsh looks if it isn't turning out like you want it to. Remember, YOU were the one who decided to make things that much more difficult by changing the key of the song in the first place! I'm through feeling sorry for myself and not feeling good enough - it's YOUR turn!
Points To Remember...
I'm willing to be versatile and flexible, but don't bust my balls if it isn't perfect right away. Also remember that everyone has a different learning curve - perhaps yours is just a bit faster than mine. So be it - but don't you dare chastise me for not being on your level. I might just be having a bad day, and on a good day I just might "school" your ass. Be careful who you underestimate.
OK - it feels good to get that out - Whew! Maybe I should print that on the back of my business cards, eh? I probably won't get many calls then! Better to save it for the gigs and the musicians I play with. I think that I'm being reasonable and fair. I do take an interest in what you think, so if you have a comment, please fire away. Thanks!
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Warning: DON'T USE ZONEALARM!
GRRRRR!
I've just spent the better part of an afternoon re-installing windows on my pc, thanks to this program. I had to disable it at first when I got my DSL connection. So, I figured why even have it installed if I don't use it? That's when the trouble started...
Let's Try Something Else...
"No problem," I say to myself, "let's just try something else." I found another firewall to try called Kerios. It seemed to be a good program, so I gave it a shot. I installed it, rebooted as I was instructed to do, and once again, I had problems! This program gave me several GUI errors - not only that, it wouldn't allow me to get online, to access the task manager, or anything! I felt that I had made a grave mistake. This is when I called my ISP...
What A Mess!
I tried everything that I could think of, aside from cleaning out the registry. I called my ISP for assistance, and they couldn't figure it out either. I was told that the registry needed to be fixed. I took this upon myself, as I have done this in the past without any hassle. I rebooted my machine, and it STILL wouldn't let me on the net! Hmm...maybe I can restore from a previous point - nope that didn't work either. Let's repair the installation. Maybe it will restore some corrupt registry entries, etc. Nope - no such luck. I called a friend and he decided that a clean install would be best. Reluctantly, I followed his advice, re-installing XP. The good news is that I'm back online - the bad news is, I lost ALL of my bookmarks! I forgot to back them up in Firefox. Ironic, because I usually back them up.
Loss...I Hate It!
All those bookmarks...gone. It was so convenient. Now I can't remember what half the stuff was. I'll be mulling over this all day long, and it won't be easy to accept. I guess that I have no choice in the matter, as I can't go back and change it. It still doesn't make it any easier. Half of me wants to cry, and the other half wants to scream out in rage. WHY? WHY WHYYYYY!
Could Be Worse...
Yeah, I guess that it could be worse - my pc could have had a total system crash, and I'd be left with nothing. I just have to re-install programs at best. The bookmarks being lost is what really got to me. I had several great things bookmarked, especially my favorite blogs. Oh well, guess I'll just have to find them again. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
What Now?
Well, I think that I'm just going to sit here and sulk for a while, just like a little kid. Eventually I will get over the loss, and life will go on. But for now, I sit here, mourning the loss of my precious bookmarks as if they were sacred documents. Yesterday will live on...
I've just spent the better part of an afternoon re-installing windows on my pc, thanks to this program. I had to disable it at first when I got my DSL connection. So, I figured why even have it installed if I don't use it? That's when the trouble started...
Let's Try Something Else...
"No problem," I say to myself, "let's just try something else." I found another firewall to try called Kerios. It seemed to be a good program, so I gave it a shot. I installed it, rebooted as I was instructed to do, and once again, I had problems! This program gave me several GUI errors - not only that, it wouldn't allow me to get online, to access the task manager, or anything! I felt that I had made a grave mistake. This is when I called my ISP...
What A Mess!
I tried everything that I could think of, aside from cleaning out the registry. I called my ISP for assistance, and they couldn't figure it out either. I was told that the registry needed to be fixed. I took this upon myself, as I have done this in the past without any hassle. I rebooted my machine, and it STILL wouldn't let me on the net! Hmm...maybe I can restore from a previous point - nope that didn't work either. Let's repair the installation. Maybe it will restore some corrupt registry entries, etc. Nope - no such luck. I called a friend and he decided that a clean install would be best. Reluctantly, I followed his advice, re-installing XP. The good news is that I'm back online - the bad news is, I lost ALL of my bookmarks! I forgot to back them up in Firefox. Ironic, because I usually back them up.
Loss...I Hate It!
All those bookmarks...gone. It was so convenient. Now I can't remember what half the stuff was. I'll be mulling over this all day long, and it won't be easy to accept. I guess that I have no choice in the matter, as I can't go back and change it. It still doesn't make it any easier. Half of me wants to cry, and the other half wants to scream out in rage. WHY? WHY WHYYYYY!
Could Be Worse...
Yeah, I guess that it could be worse - my pc could have had a total system crash, and I'd be left with nothing. I just have to re-install programs at best. The bookmarks being lost is what really got to me. I had several great things bookmarked, especially my favorite blogs. Oh well, guess I'll just have to find them again. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
What Now?
Well, I think that I'm just going to sit here and sulk for a while, just like a little kid. Eventually I will get over the loss, and life will go on. But for now, I sit here, mourning the loss of my precious bookmarks as if they were sacred documents. Yesterday will live on...
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Backing Out...
I decided to back out of a gig tonight, due to problems the first time we played together. Also, to be honest, I feel that I need more "tools" to work with - more "chops." It's true that I'm still learning all the time, but I compare myself to others constantly. I don't need to be the best in the world, but I do want to be able to hold my own. I know that not every night is going to be stellar, but it's still not easy.
Perhaps I'm being too harsh...sigh
Perhaps I'm being too harsh...sigh
Broken Glasses, Bloody Noses, etc...
CRASH!!!!
Oh no! Not again! I cringe when I hear that sound! Yep, I broke another drinking glass by simply knocking it over! The first one was in the sink; the second one on the counter; and the third was on the computer desk. The fortunate part is that they were all empty. Instead of four glasses to use, I am now down to just one. I guess that I'll have to make that trek to K-Mart after all. It really frustrates me just how clumsy I can be. I guess that if I wasn't in such a hurry I wouldn't be breaking things accidentally. I notice that when I start cleaning, I start to rush through it all, and this is when delicate things get broken. What is really disappointing is that those glasses were a housewarming gift from my sister, so there is sentimental value attached to them. And only one remains...sigh
It's Blood!
Last night, I made myself a simple dinner of hamburgers, buffalo fries, and some cottage cheese with applesauce on the side. I have a penchant for spicy food, so naturally I "kicked it up a notch" (sorry, Emeril!) I added some jalapeno ketchup and some mild pepper rings to the burgers. This gave them a nice little zing - not too hot, but warm enough to leave a little tingling in your mouth. As usual, I love that endorphin rush feeling that you get from hot and spicy foods. There is no feeling quite like it! Sometimes my nose runs a little bit - as a result of the sinus cavities clearing out. I felt that familiar feeling again, and wiped my nose quickly. I was shocked when I looked down:
OH MY GOD! I'M BLEEDING!
I didn't panic, but I did notice quite a bit of blood was on my napkin. I did the usual cold compress and held my head back for about 10 minutes. After that, I felt fine. I began to wonder - is it because of the spicy food that my nose bled, or is this just coincidence? And before you ask, no I don't do cocaine! Some folks think that I do because of my over-the-top antics and stage presence, but I assure you I don't touch the stuff.
Anyway...
I'm about to make dinner, and maybe start on cleaning house. I didn't do it this weekend because of the holiday. It's not filthy, but my routine is disrupted for the time being, and that does bother me a bit. I'm notorious for falling off the wagon and not getting back on. Maybe this time I can avoid that. I think that I'll stay home tonight rather than go out. Perhaps.
Oh no! Not again! I cringe when I hear that sound! Yep, I broke another drinking glass by simply knocking it over! The first one was in the sink; the second one on the counter; and the third was on the computer desk. The fortunate part is that they were all empty. Instead of four glasses to use, I am now down to just one. I guess that I'll have to make that trek to K-Mart after all. It really frustrates me just how clumsy I can be. I guess that if I wasn't in such a hurry I wouldn't be breaking things accidentally. I notice that when I start cleaning, I start to rush through it all, and this is when delicate things get broken. What is really disappointing is that those glasses were a housewarming gift from my sister, so there is sentimental value attached to them. And only one remains...sigh
It's Blood!
Last night, I made myself a simple dinner of hamburgers, buffalo fries, and some cottage cheese with applesauce on the side. I have a penchant for spicy food, so naturally I "kicked it up a notch" (sorry, Emeril!) I added some jalapeno ketchup and some mild pepper rings to the burgers. This gave them a nice little zing - not too hot, but warm enough to leave a little tingling in your mouth. As usual, I love that endorphin rush feeling that you get from hot and spicy foods. There is no feeling quite like it! Sometimes my nose runs a little bit - as a result of the sinus cavities clearing out. I felt that familiar feeling again, and wiped my nose quickly. I was shocked when I looked down:
OH MY GOD! I'M BLEEDING!
I didn't panic, but I did notice quite a bit of blood was on my napkin. I did the usual cold compress and held my head back for about 10 minutes. After that, I felt fine. I began to wonder - is it because of the spicy food that my nose bled, or is this just coincidence? And before you ask, no I don't do cocaine! Some folks think that I do because of my over-the-top antics and stage presence, but I assure you I don't touch the stuff.
Anyway...
I'm about to make dinner, and maybe start on cleaning house. I didn't do it this weekend because of the holiday. It's not filthy, but my routine is disrupted for the time being, and that does bother me a bit. I'm notorious for falling off the wagon and not getting back on. Maybe this time I can avoid that. I think that I'll stay home tonight rather than go out. Perhaps.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
The Christmas Wrap...Up...
Wikki-Wikki! Word to your muffler...
It goes-a-one-two-three...
Just Kidding!
Yes, I could readily point out that I was using the word wrap in an improper context, but that would be just a little too self-effacing for me. I am in a jovial mood tonight though. As usual, I put off the Christmas shopping until the last minute, but was able to pull off the miracle, and spend under $200!
My Trademark: Last-Minute Shopping!
Guilty as charged, your Honor! The problem is, I just cannot seem to conjure up even a spark of what someone might want or need until that crucial moment. Maybe I thrive under the pressure - I still haven't figured that out. I got up nice and early - anticipating the idiots...er um...people on the road, but what was about to unfold really hit a hot button with me.
Don't Block The Intersection, Asshole!
I have a huge pet peeve - when there is a line of cars, and I see one or more of them blocking the intersection. This impedes my progress (and anyone else's.) All it means is that someone is just too damned lazy to walk a little distance to get into the local Wal-Mart. They act as if the very back rows on the other side of the entrance are no man's land. I mean, got forbid that they actually have to WALK! Hell, why don't they just run parking lot shuttles like amusement parks, ya know? Not only that, it makes it nearly impossible to exit the parking lot, as there is gridlock from all sides. It reminds me of some kind of Branch Davidian compound - you can't get in, but if you do, you're never going to get out.
A Clarification...
Now, I'm not referring to folks who absolutely need those closer spaces (i.e. elderly or handicapped folks.) I'm talking about able-bodied people, maybe around my age, that just park they freakishly large SUV (Humvees come to mind) in the front row, just because they can. I guess it strokes their ego a little bit - to have the upper hand, and throw it in the less fortunate person's face. "Don't you wish that you could have this? I'm better than you, and you know it." Oh please - It's great to have nice things, but don't act like your a god or an untouchable. Anyways, enough on that mini-rant.
Urban Assault...
For many years, I have held this mindset when dealing with throngs of idiots....excuse me...people (damn it, did it AGAIN!) I picture myself as a commando, loaded to the hilt with unlimited firepower on my person, as well as on my vehicle. I know that it's childish, but it does help me to be firm and assertive. However, the images sometimes become vivid, and for just a moment, I'm really in the battlefield. I throw grenades, run my adversary off the road, and just basically part the crowd like the Red Sea. No, it's not a bloodbath - everyone just sees that I mean business, and gets the hell out of my way. It's not meant to be ominous, just let me have my way.
I Want It Now, Daddy! Now!
Yes, I know that the world does not revolve around me. I've been told this countless times within my life, and this view that I have is rather selfish. But, I know that I'm not the only one who gets like that. I think that at least more than a few times within our lives, we all take turns playing the Veruca Salt character from Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.
Next Time I'll...
Sure, I'll say that now - but odds are that "mood" will come up again. My therapist says that I'm addicted to anger. It's not so much that I like it, it's just that it's second-nature for me to get frustrated beyond belief sometimes. In contrast, the anger is not nearly as much as it used to be. This is more of an intense irritation - like being crabby, but turning the volume up to about 8. My heart is basically saying, "Why is this happening to ME? How could they do this to ME?" This is a classic case of personalizing it, taking it as a threat, and getting defensive to protect myself. This is why in a confrontation with someone, I would (and still) refuse to back down and be submissive. I'll walk away, but not with my tail between my legs - that ain't gonna happen, kids. I played that role for too long when I was a kid.
Yo!
A note to all potential thugs - put a gun in my face, you'd damn well better use it. For if you don't, I'll be glad to shove it somewhere else..I guess that I'm the type of guy that might hand you his wallet, but the second you turn your back or drop your guard, I'm going to kick the living shit out of you, take back my wallet, and probably take something of yours for the pain and suffering...OK....OK....OK....here I go thinking about something that is, beyond the shadow of a doubt is not going to happen. I just wanted you to get an idea of my beliefs and values.
Yap-Yap-Yap...
As usual, I go off ad-nauseum into just how I defend myself from these "threats." This is not neccessary, I just get so caught up in the moment. I need to take this facet of my personality and focus it on productive things and projects - namely my music and my writing. Friends describe my intensity of discussing things as deep and intense. I don't claim anything - I'm just a very passionate person, that's all there is to it. I've even given a few close friends "permission" to warn me when I'm headed for that "danger zone."
Welcome To Hollywood...
That fantasy-land is alot like Hollywood - anything is possible, and can happen. Of course, we know that flights of fancy don't always translate well into reality. This is probably due to the fact that we overlook several variables, and or consequences that may occur following our actions or words. However, to visualize something does help us to accomplish it. I think that it has more to do with bolstering our self-confidence more than anything. To prep ourselves for something is the ultimate safeguard. But to see it through rose-colored glasses is just asking for a disappointment - a real heartbreak.
Idealism Defined...
We all have that "perfect world" within our minds, where everything is perfect (like a certain drugstore chain's TV spots.) Nothing is wrong, all is just hunky-dory." We know that is just a pipe dream, and is simply not possible. Our paths cross and intersect throughout our lives, and this always has an impact on us. It's like everyone is the center of their own universe, but no one elses. We have all these universes that come together, sometimes they oppose one another, and clash violently.
Preconceived Notions...
The danger is that factor called a "preconceived notion." This is what gets us into trouble. We visualize things to be a certain way and when they prove otherwise, this creates a disappointment for us. Sometimes this provokes anger, which is usually the case with me. That anger is really me just being ultra-crabby, as I stated earlier. Generally, my mind says something like, "Oh, so you want to ruin my perfect little world? Well, I'm not going to let you, no matter the cost. I mean, who the fuck are you to rain on MY parade? Step off dude, or you're going to get hurt."
Umm....Okay....
You get the idea. I think that this is becoming a circular reference post. I keep going back to that anger/protection mechanism, even when no threat is eminent. This is something that I'm definitely working on in my life. I am truly at more ease than I've ever been in my life, but there are certain situations that will take more time and discipline. Namely situations involving many people, long lines, belligerent drunks, and authority figures who overstep their boundaries. I guess the place that I'm most comfortable is either at home or on the stage.
Progress...
Even though I have a few stumbling blocks, I feel that I have been making tremendous progress within my life in the past decade. I need to look at ways that I can avoid those traps of familiarity and comfort. It's time to look for solutions rather than focus on the problem. To give up is tantamount to being a loser. It took me a long time to realize how self-pity damages you. I would simply think to myself, "Well, this is it - I'm a loser and there is nothing that I can do about it." How wrong I was to find out several years later. I've been blessed with these wonderful gifts, and it's time to use them to their full potential. The potential that so many others see within me - family, friends, colleagues, therapists, etc.
Dad...
My dad has always been a positive force throughout my life regarding my talents and abilities. I know that it used to eat him up when I would come home high or drunk. I was capable of doing so much more, yet I chose not to. I only wish that I could have said, "You know, Dad. The reason that I'm doing these things is that I am truly unhappy right now. I'm having a very tough time at school, and I feel that no one cares or loves me (except for you.) I really need your help. I don't want to be this way, but it's the way I am coping with my life right now. I don't know what else to do."
Help...And Love...
Eventually I did let him (as well as my aunt and uncle) know . It happened on a Christmas day around 1990 or so. I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore. I broke down to tears and confessed everything, even the suicidal feelings. This really set off a red flag with my entire famliy, and they were all very worried about me. It was then that I realized that there are many people who care about me, and what happens to me. This was a beginning to the way out of the smoke-filled haze that was my teenage life. It took nearly 15 years to get to this point, but it has been an interesting journey to say the least. I can't say that I don't regret anything, but I did learn some valuable lessons down the road. Sometimes we have to get a taste of experience in order to learn our lesson. The pain (or pleasure) that we feel is our best teacher. The trick is to take the lesson from it, and discard any accompanying negative emotions as soon as possible.
That's All Folks!
Well, that's all for now. I feel as if i'm just running in circles faster and faster. I know that what I write is nothing new - it's just my take on how I observe life, people and issues within it. I bear malice toward none - it's just a protective mechanism that is stuck and needs to be repaired. Enough said, and with that, I wish you all:
A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
It goes-a-one-two-three...
Just Kidding!
Yes, I could readily point out that I was using the word wrap in an improper context, but that would be just a little too self-effacing for me. I am in a jovial mood tonight though. As usual, I put off the Christmas shopping until the last minute, but was able to pull off the miracle, and spend under $200!
My Trademark: Last-Minute Shopping!
Guilty as charged, your Honor! The problem is, I just cannot seem to conjure up even a spark of what someone might want or need until that crucial moment. Maybe I thrive under the pressure - I still haven't figured that out. I got up nice and early - anticipating the idiots...er um...people on the road, but what was about to unfold really hit a hot button with me.
Don't Block The Intersection, Asshole!
I have a huge pet peeve - when there is a line of cars, and I see one or more of them blocking the intersection. This impedes my progress (and anyone else's.) All it means is that someone is just too damned lazy to walk a little distance to get into the local Wal-Mart. They act as if the very back rows on the other side of the entrance are no man's land. I mean, got forbid that they actually have to WALK! Hell, why don't they just run parking lot shuttles like amusement parks, ya know? Not only that, it makes it nearly impossible to exit the parking lot, as there is gridlock from all sides. It reminds me of some kind of Branch Davidian compound - you can't get in, but if you do, you're never going to get out.
A Clarification...
Now, I'm not referring to folks who absolutely need those closer spaces (i.e. elderly or handicapped folks.) I'm talking about able-bodied people, maybe around my age, that just park they freakishly large SUV (Humvees come to mind) in the front row, just because they can. I guess it strokes their ego a little bit - to have the upper hand, and throw it in the less fortunate person's face. "Don't you wish that you could have this? I'm better than you, and you know it." Oh please - It's great to have nice things, but don't act like your a god or an untouchable. Anyways, enough on that mini-rant.
Urban Assault...
For many years, I have held this mindset when dealing with throngs of idiots....excuse me...people (damn it, did it AGAIN!) I picture myself as a commando, loaded to the hilt with unlimited firepower on my person, as well as on my vehicle. I know that it's childish, but it does help me to be firm and assertive. However, the images sometimes become vivid, and for just a moment, I'm really in the battlefield. I throw grenades, run my adversary off the road, and just basically part the crowd like the Red Sea. No, it's not a bloodbath - everyone just sees that I mean business, and gets the hell out of my way. It's not meant to be ominous, just let me have my way.
I Want It Now, Daddy! Now!
Yes, I know that the world does not revolve around me. I've been told this countless times within my life, and this view that I have is rather selfish. But, I know that I'm not the only one who gets like that. I think that at least more than a few times within our lives, we all take turns playing the Veruca Salt character from Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.
Next Time I'll...
Sure, I'll say that now - but odds are that "mood" will come up again. My therapist says that I'm addicted to anger. It's not so much that I like it, it's just that it's second-nature for me to get frustrated beyond belief sometimes. In contrast, the anger is not nearly as much as it used to be. This is more of an intense irritation - like being crabby, but turning the volume up to about 8. My heart is basically saying, "Why is this happening to ME? How could they do this to ME?" This is a classic case of personalizing it, taking it as a threat, and getting defensive to protect myself. This is why in a confrontation with someone, I would (and still) refuse to back down and be submissive. I'll walk away, but not with my tail between my legs - that ain't gonna happen, kids. I played that role for too long when I was a kid.
Yo!
A note to all potential thugs - put a gun in my face, you'd damn well better use it. For if you don't, I'll be glad to shove it somewhere else..I guess that I'm the type of guy that might hand you his wallet, but the second you turn your back or drop your guard, I'm going to kick the living shit out of you, take back my wallet, and probably take something of yours for the pain and suffering...OK....OK....OK....here I go thinking about something that is, beyond the shadow of a doubt is not going to happen. I just wanted you to get an idea of my beliefs and values.
Yap-Yap-Yap...
As usual, I go off ad-nauseum into just how I defend myself from these "threats." This is not neccessary, I just get so caught up in the moment. I need to take this facet of my personality and focus it on productive things and projects - namely my music and my writing. Friends describe my intensity of discussing things as deep and intense. I don't claim anything - I'm just a very passionate person, that's all there is to it. I've even given a few close friends "permission" to warn me when I'm headed for that "danger zone."
Welcome To Hollywood...
That fantasy-land is alot like Hollywood - anything is possible, and can happen. Of course, we know that flights of fancy don't always translate well into reality. This is probably due to the fact that we overlook several variables, and or consequences that may occur following our actions or words. However, to visualize something does help us to accomplish it. I think that it has more to do with bolstering our self-confidence more than anything. To prep ourselves for something is the ultimate safeguard. But to see it through rose-colored glasses is just asking for a disappointment - a real heartbreak.
Idealism Defined...
We all have that "perfect world" within our minds, where everything is perfect (like a certain drugstore chain's TV spots.) Nothing is wrong, all is just hunky-dory." We know that is just a pipe dream, and is simply not possible. Our paths cross and intersect throughout our lives, and this always has an impact on us. It's like everyone is the center of their own universe, but no one elses. We have all these universes that come together, sometimes they oppose one another, and clash violently.
Preconceived Notions...
The danger is that factor called a "preconceived notion." This is what gets us into trouble. We visualize things to be a certain way and when they prove otherwise, this creates a disappointment for us. Sometimes this provokes anger, which is usually the case with me. That anger is really me just being ultra-crabby, as I stated earlier. Generally, my mind says something like, "Oh, so you want to ruin my perfect little world? Well, I'm not going to let you, no matter the cost. I mean, who the fuck are you to rain on MY parade? Step off dude, or you're going to get hurt."
Umm....Okay....
You get the idea. I think that this is becoming a circular reference post. I keep going back to that anger/protection mechanism, even when no threat is eminent. This is something that I'm definitely working on in my life. I am truly at more ease than I've ever been in my life, but there are certain situations that will take more time and discipline. Namely situations involving many people, long lines, belligerent drunks, and authority figures who overstep their boundaries. I guess the place that I'm most comfortable is either at home or on the stage.
Progress...
Even though I have a few stumbling blocks, I feel that I have been making tremendous progress within my life in the past decade. I need to look at ways that I can avoid those traps of familiarity and comfort. It's time to look for solutions rather than focus on the problem. To give up is tantamount to being a loser. It took me a long time to realize how self-pity damages you. I would simply think to myself, "Well, this is it - I'm a loser and there is nothing that I can do about it." How wrong I was to find out several years later. I've been blessed with these wonderful gifts, and it's time to use them to their full potential. The potential that so many others see within me - family, friends, colleagues, therapists, etc.
Dad...
My dad has always been a positive force throughout my life regarding my talents and abilities. I know that it used to eat him up when I would come home high or drunk. I was capable of doing so much more, yet I chose not to. I only wish that I could have said, "You know, Dad. The reason that I'm doing these things is that I am truly unhappy right now. I'm having a very tough time at school, and I feel that no one cares or loves me (except for you.) I really need your help. I don't want to be this way, but it's the way I am coping with my life right now. I don't know what else to do."
Help...And Love...
Eventually I did let him (as well as my aunt and uncle) know . It happened on a Christmas day around 1990 or so. I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore. I broke down to tears and confessed everything, even the suicidal feelings. This really set off a red flag with my entire famliy, and they were all very worried about me. It was then that I realized that there are many people who care about me, and what happens to me. This was a beginning to the way out of the smoke-filled haze that was my teenage life. It took nearly 15 years to get to this point, but it has been an interesting journey to say the least. I can't say that I don't regret anything, but I did learn some valuable lessons down the road. Sometimes we have to get a taste of experience in order to learn our lesson. The pain (or pleasure) that we feel is our best teacher. The trick is to take the lesson from it, and discard any accompanying negative emotions as soon as possible.
That's All Folks!
Well, that's all for now. I feel as if i'm just running in circles faster and faster. I know that what I write is nothing new - it's just my take on how I observe life, people and issues within it. I bear malice toward none - it's just a protective mechanism that is stuck and needs to be repaired. Enough said, and with that, I wish you all:
A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Insert Photo Here..
It seems that my profile image has vanished from its former location, so I'll have to scare up a new one for those of you that want to see what I look like. My best comparisons - I've been told that I have the facial features of Quentin Tarrantino, and from a distance that I look like Tony Levin - bassist extraordinaire for Peter Gabriel and others. Coincidence? I don't think so! Later!
BTW - The photo I've substituted is from my Flickr page. It's my inadvertent attempt to imitate the late blues great Howlin' Wolf. I just noticed that recently. See ya!
BTW - The photo I've substituted is from my Flickr page. It's my inadvertent attempt to imitate the late blues great Howlin' Wolf. I just noticed that recently. See ya!
The Post Office and Other Things...
Happens Every Time...
Well, today I have a rant that I must purge from my system! This involves my local post office. You know, it could be ANY time of the day and without fail, there's always a line at the post office! Now, I know that is to be expected during the holiday season, but this happens all year-round. People are jamming up the street just so they can shove a letter or card down the unscrupulous throat of those wonderful US Mail boxes. Not only that, the parking lot is FULL! Admittedly, this does start a little spark of frustration within me.
Going In...
I know what to expect going in - a line of no less than 3 to 5 people. There's always one moron who is trying to send packages to the whole freakin' world! Today it was a lady with what appeared to be no less than one-hundred fifty Christmas cards! I couldn't hold back and I mumbled, "gee lady, what are you doing, sending Christmas cards to everyone on the planet?" She didn't respond, and no one else did either - not even a glare. I usually get a nod of agreement, or a stare of disapproval from the other customers. Anyway, the line went faster than I expected, and I was glad to be out of there. To avoid further frustration, I made sure to purchase a book of stamps so that I don't have to go there for a while. I also wouldn't want to short the post office of that precious 2 cent increase in January. Never enough...
Improvements...
For starters, they could actually use all 3 windows so that they could take care of customers faster. My only guess is that they are understaffed and are only able to attend to 2 windows at one time. This in and of itself would alleviate alot of the frustration involved.
For Faster Service...
This idea is borrowed from grocery stores and license bureaus - how about an Express Lane - for those, like me, that only have one or two items to send. All others should stay in the regular line. Honestly, if you're going to ship something big, do yourself (and anyone else) a favor and use UPS, FedEx, or DHL. They are more experienced in the matter of larger items. However, even the "big guys" have their occasional snafu.
Trials and Tribulations with DHL...
I am currently dealing with DHL right now - they were supposed to deliver a package to me on the 19th, but it hasn't shown up yet. The sad thing is, it's not even a big and bulky package - it's just a wristwatch! I called customer service and they said that they would call me back within the hour to let me know the status of my package. The nearest DHL facility is only about 30 miles away! I mean, how long does it take to get around to where I live? They have how many vans and trucks? I don't know about you, but I see them all over the place! Naturally, I've been tracking my package since the day of its shipment, and for the past two days I've been informed that it is basically "en route." It supposedly left the facility at 6:34 AM today. The time is now 4:19 PM, and still nothing! So much for prompt service, eh? Maybe I should discount the fact that it is indeed Christmas time and there are lots of packages (mostly fruitcakes, cheese and wine baskets) that are being shipped. Gee, I hope that everyone elses' stuff gets to them on time - I don't wish this on anyone!
A Lesson Learned...
I can tell you this - I'll never - repeat, NEVER use DHL for anything ever again. Unfortunately, I had no choice in the matter, as that was all the merchant offered. As a result of this inconvenience, I have postponed several activities and put off several things that needed to be done, just so that I can accept my package! I mean, I have a week-and-a-half's worth of laundry that needs to be done. This involves driving to my sister's house and spending a good portion of the day there. Sometimes I just spend the night and sleep on the couch. Knowing my luck, I'd be gone, and sure enough, that damn delivery van would pull up, and I'd get that dreaded "We missed you," notice on my back door. I'd have to wait until the next day to get the package. At least they offer you the option that you don't need a signature to get it.
Precious Time...
I'd sure hate for them to leave my precious watch outside in the cold all day though. It's a rather expensive one, and I'm sure it's rather sensitive to freezing temperatures. If it was broken, it wouldn't be cheap to fix it, as I don't wear those cheesy digital pieces of crap. Call me old fashioned, but I do prefer the more traditional style ones, especially with windup or automatic movements. As I said before, I'm a watch geek, and I collect lots of them. I'm the sort of guy who prefers Roman numerals over Arabic, or hour markers instead of numbers. I consider myself a person who has the taste of Cartier, Rolex, and the like - however I'm on more of a Seiko or Timex budget. I'm a black tie guy trapped in a poor man's body! I could go on and on about this, but it would take alot of time. Anyway, enough about that...
Newsflash!
I just received the call from DHL that it will arrive at my doorstep tonight. I was very pleased to hear this, and I eagerly await its arrival! Now, I can get on with my life, catch up with my laundry, and run the errands that I need to run. Ironically, one involves getting a watch serviced. For now I'll just sit here and listen to my neighbor across the hall wail away on his guitar, blasting Ozzy Ozbourne. The kid's got potential to be the next Zakk Wylde - now if only I could convince him that he should join a band (and that there is other stuff to play and listen to!)
We Now Resume Normal Programming...
It's night time! Time to plug in the Christmas tree, light a few candles, and make something delicious for dinner. Dare I make my first attempt at spaghetti with garlic bread? My heartburn says otherwise... Oh well, I'll probably just throw a pizza in the oven, and be done with it. Wait - doesn't pizza give you hearburn too? :)
Happy Holidays!
Well, today I have a rant that I must purge from my system! This involves my local post office. You know, it could be ANY time of the day and without fail, there's always a line at the post office! Now, I know that is to be expected during the holiday season, but this happens all year-round. People are jamming up the street just so they can shove a letter or card down the unscrupulous throat of those wonderful US Mail boxes. Not only that, the parking lot is FULL! Admittedly, this does start a little spark of frustration within me.
Going In...
I know what to expect going in - a line of no less than 3 to 5 people. There's always one moron who is trying to send packages to the whole freakin' world! Today it was a lady with what appeared to be no less than one-hundred fifty Christmas cards! I couldn't hold back and I mumbled, "gee lady, what are you doing, sending Christmas cards to everyone on the planet?" She didn't respond, and no one else did either - not even a glare. I usually get a nod of agreement, or a stare of disapproval from the other customers. Anyway, the line went faster than I expected, and I was glad to be out of there. To avoid further frustration, I made sure to purchase a book of stamps so that I don't have to go there for a while. I also wouldn't want to short the post office of that precious 2 cent increase in January. Never enough...
Improvements...
For starters, they could actually use all 3 windows so that they could take care of customers faster. My only guess is that they are understaffed and are only able to attend to 2 windows at one time. This in and of itself would alleviate alot of the frustration involved.
For Faster Service...
This idea is borrowed from grocery stores and license bureaus - how about an Express Lane - for those, like me, that only have one or two items to send. All others should stay in the regular line. Honestly, if you're going to ship something big, do yourself (and anyone else) a favor and use UPS, FedEx, or DHL. They are more experienced in the matter of larger items. However, even the "big guys" have their occasional snafu.
Trials and Tribulations with DHL...
I am currently dealing with DHL right now - they were supposed to deliver a package to me on the 19th, but it hasn't shown up yet. The sad thing is, it's not even a big and bulky package - it's just a wristwatch! I called customer service and they said that they would call me back within the hour to let me know the status of my package. The nearest DHL facility is only about 30 miles away! I mean, how long does it take to get around to where I live? They have how many vans and trucks? I don't know about you, but I see them all over the place! Naturally, I've been tracking my package since the day of its shipment, and for the past two days I've been informed that it is basically "en route." It supposedly left the facility at 6:34 AM today. The time is now 4:19 PM, and still nothing! So much for prompt service, eh? Maybe I should discount the fact that it is indeed Christmas time and there are lots of packages (mostly fruitcakes, cheese and wine baskets) that are being shipped. Gee, I hope that everyone elses' stuff gets to them on time - I don't wish this on anyone!
A Lesson Learned...
I can tell you this - I'll never - repeat, NEVER use DHL for anything ever again. Unfortunately, I had no choice in the matter, as that was all the merchant offered. As a result of this inconvenience, I have postponed several activities and put off several things that needed to be done, just so that I can accept my package! I mean, I have a week-and-a-half's worth of laundry that needs to be done. This involves driving to my sister's house and spending a good portion of the day there. Sometimes I just spend the night and sleep on the couch. Knowing my luck, I'd be gone, and sure enough, that damn delivery van would pull up, and I'd get that dreaded "We missed you," notice on my back door. I'd have to wait until the next day to get the package. At least they offer you the option that you don't need a signature to get it.
Precious Time...
I'd sure hate for them to leave my precious watch outside in the cold all day though. It's a rather expensive one, and I'm sure it's rather sensitive to freezing temperatures. If it was broken, it wouldn't be cheap to fix it, as I don't wear those cheesy digital pieces of crap. Call me old fashioned, but I do prefer the more traditional style ones, especially with windup or automatic movements. As I said before, I'm a watch geek, and I collect lots of them. I'm the sort of guy who prefers Roman numerals over Arabic, or hour markers instead of numbers. I consider myself a person who has the taste of Cartier, Rolex, and the like - however I'm on more of a Seiko or Timex budget. I'm a black tie guy trapped in a poor man's body! I could go on and on about this, but it would take alot of time. Anyway, enough about that...
Newsflash!
I just received the call from DHL that it will arrive at my doorstep tonight. I was very pleased to hear this, and I eagerly await its arrival! Now, I can get on with my life, catch up with my laundry, and run the errands that I need to run. Ironically, one involves getting a watch serviced. For now I'll just sit here and listen to my neighbor across the hall wail away on his guitar, blasting Ozzy Ozbourne. The kid's got potential to be the next Zakk Wylde - now if only I could convince him that he should join a band (and that there is other stuff to play and listen to!)
We Now Resume Normal Programming...
It's night time! Time to plug in the Christmas tree, light a few candles, and make something delicious for dinner. Dare I make my first attempt at spaghetti with garlic bread? My heartburn says otherwise... Oh well, I'll probably just throw a pizza in the oven, and be done with it. Wait - doesn't pizza give you hearburn too? :)
Happy Holidays!
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Dropping In...
Quickly...
Well, it seems that my DSL connection has straightened out, and is working very nicely. I guess that the first ten days are pretty tumultuous, and you are supposed to leave your modem on continuously for that time, so they get an idea of your usage (or something like that.) It's just great to listen to my favorite streams - especially the ones that lull me to sleep!
In Other News...
Seems that I'm becoming a hot commodity (slowly but surely) in the local music scene. Almost any gig that I play, someone approaches me to join their band, or just to get together and jam. Of course it's hard to say no, so ultimately I end up doing it. It's nice to feel important, and to be needed. I keep imagining myself on the cover of Bass Player Magazine in a thoughtful but slightly aggressive pose with my signature fretless bass in my hands. Okay, moving on then...
Moods...
Moods have been more stable than they have been in quite some time. I find that now I am able to spread out and do what I want to do, things are much better. If I want to build something, I build it! If I want to change something, I change it! Creativity is coming back to me, and I've even taken the time to record some basic "ditties" that I can use to make songs. My PC is nto liking it too much (crappy soundcard?) but that's ok.
And?
The point is, I'm creating again, and in the privacy of my own home! That means if I get the urge to play a riff at 3am, I can do that. I just can't be too loud, but that's ok. I got lucky, as all my neighbors are young and in their 20's. Hell, the guy across the way plays guitar too! I mean, how cool is that?
So...
I'm cutting this short, but I'll be back soon. Not sure if I'll be doing daily entries, but I will be a posting a little more frequently. Sometimes I feel that I have to be in a creative mood to post - in actuality, I don't. I pretty much type how I talk in person, aside from the occasional stutter when i'm anxious. With that, I'm outtie - back soon!
Good Evening!
Well, it seems that my DSL connection has straightened out, and is working very nicely. I guess that the first ten days are pretty tumultuous, and you are supposed to leave your modem on continuously for that time, so they get an idea of your usage (or something like that.) It's just great to listen to my favorite streams - especially the ones that lull me to sleep!
In Other News...
Seems that I'm becoming a hot commodity (slowly but surely) in the local music scene. Almost any gig that I play, someone approaches me to join their band, or just to get together and jam. Of course it's hard to say no, so ultimately I end up doing it. It's nice to feel important, and to be needed. I keep imagining myself on the cover of Bass Player Magazine in a thoughtful but slightly aggressive pose with my signature fretless bass in my hands. Okay, moving on then...
Moods...
Moods have been more stable than they have been in quite some time. I find that now I am able to spread out and do what I want to do, things are much better. If I want to build something, I build it! If I want to change something, I change it! Creativity is coming back to me, and I've even taken the time to record some basic "ditties" that I can use to make songs. My PC is nto liking it too much (crappy soundcard?) but that's ok.
And?
The point is, I'm creating again, and in the privacy of my own home! That means if I get the urge to play a riff at 3am, I can do that. I just can't be too loud, but that's ok. I got lucky, as all my neighbors are young and in their 20's. Hell, the guy across the way plays guitar too! I mean, how cool is that?
So...
I'm cutting this short, but I'll be back soon. Not sure if I'll be doing daily entries, but I will be a posting a little more frequently. Sometimes I feel that I have to be in a creative mood to post - in actuality, I don't. I pretty much type how I talk in person, aside from the occasional stutter when i'm anxious. With that, I'm outtie - back soon!
Good Evening!
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Severing The Ties...
Well, it's official. I am sick and tired of my lackluster internet connection. I thought that by upgrading to DSL, I would be doing the best thing. Apparently such is not the case. Sometimes my DSL line goes down twice in one hour - simply unacceptable. I get too frustrated with it. I keep thinking to myself, " do I really want to put up with this any longer?" I am very tempted to cancel it and not have internet at all. The role that it once served me in life is really no longer needed, so maybe it's time to move on. I know that I've brought this up more than a few times, but I just can't help but wonder if it really is all just a waste of time. True, I've chatted and emailed some wonderful people, but the majority of my time is spent looking at useless crap that no one cares about. If it's one thing that I've learned living here on earth, it's that people don't like it when you know more than them, or that you can do something better. They try to belittle you and make you feel like a freak, that you should be punished for your gifts. Anyway... gotta go. Not sure if I'll be back soon, if it all. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up with a different frame of mind.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Catching Up...Part Deux...
Cleaning Out...
Last night, I took on a huge project - to confront all the stuff that I had stored at my parents' house in the garage from 10-15 years ago. It consisted of many plastic totes, and some old toys. One of the totes was so heavy that my stepbrother had to help me load it in my truck! I got it all home, and began unpacking. What I was about to experience was very therapeutic - cathartic even!
Why Do I Hold On To This Stuff?
I couldn't believe the things that I found - old bank transaction slips, sales receipts, junk, junk, and more junk! I found the stuff from failed auto detailing business - it had all given up the ghost, since it sat for nearly a decade unused. That was the first stuff to go - into the trash! As I continued digging, I continually shook my head, asking, "why the hell did I keep THIS?" Of course, I knew the answer, but I knew that it really served no purpose now. Maybe it did at one time, but now it's time to get rid of it, once and for all. I was very relieved to let it all go - believe me!
But Wait...There's More!
I found several old cassette tapes that I haven't seen in years - some for good reason! I mean, how the hell did I end up with a Paula Abdul or Bobby Brown cassette? Must have been an ex's. Speaking of an ex, I found a reciept for a watch that I bought her from Wal-Mart. Now that I think about it, she really wasn't worth the $79.97 that I paid for it (a Seiko!) I guess love makes us do foolish things sometimes. I have to wonder...does she still have it? Probably not.
Toys...Toys...and More Toys!
Then comes the toys - Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars galore! I also found my beloved Micro Machines (they are really small,) which I couldn't bear to part with! I figure this much - I will hold on to the toys for future generations of my family (e.g. my adorable twin nieces!) I picked through them all, and chose a few to keep out for display - the really special ones. Now my Tonka Honda ATC (three wheeler) is on top of my monitor - the rider looking ready to kick some butt (as he always has.) One of my faves - a 6x6x6 (six wheeled) jeep is now perched above my sink, under the fluorescent light. Most people would probably put plants there, but for me, it's a mini-musueum of my favorite cars of the past. It's also the resting place for my little radio-controlled cars as well.
OK...Now On To The Mushy Stuff, et al...
After sifting and sorting through miscellaneous debris, I found a bunch of old photos and cards. These started to bring back pleasant memories, and some not so pleasant. I actually started to relive some events from that time period. I remember how unpleasant high school was for me, and how much crap I used to take from people. I remember the feeble attempts at relationships, and falling in love with a girl who was my best friend at the time, only to be turned away (it was for the better though.) I also found letters I'd written but never sent. Some of the most heartfelt and sincere words were "spoken" in them. As far as I could tell, I really started to struggle with bipolar disorder just before I got out of high school - I would say roughly 1990. Anyway, the memories started to come back, and I had to get control of myself. It was then that I realized that I DO have control. I can throw away these painful triggers and start over. I managed to get rid of enough paper to fill up a decent-sized garbage bag! What relief! I did hold on to the photos, however - they will be going into a photo album of sorts. Heck, I might even just make a scrapbook!
Letters From Family...
In the summer of 1992, I enrolled in the Job Corps and was stationed at Fort Atterbury in Edinburgh, Indiana. OK, it wasn't the military, but it was pretty damn close! Anyway, during the short time that I was there (more about why I left later,) I received several letters from close friends, relatives (including my sister and father.) I took the time to read through each one, and began to see the genuine love, care, and concern that they had for me. I started to feel guilty for the way I treated them in my adolescent and post-adolescent years. Then I realized that's all over now - it's in the past. I'm a changed person - a mature adult - a MAN.
Sis...
My sister had gone off to Sweden as a foreign exchange student, and had written me several times, urging me to write back to her. I think that I did maybe once or twice. I can only wonder how much she missed being home, yet having alot of fun. Of course, the guilt set in, and I nearly began to cry. Then I stopped, realizing that she is indeed back in my life, and we are closer than we've ever been. I know that she'd be touched deeply if she knew that I still had those letters. Even though I was a young punk, I knew deep down that those letters were special, and that's why I held onto them. Those will not be thrown away either - she said some very encouraging and uplifting things. This was a side of her that I had never seen until then. I am so deeply moved, and almost ready to cry as I write this. Sis, if you're reading this, I want to say something that I've never said to you before - I LOVE YOU!!!!
Photos...
I found photos of me just before I graduated high school. One that really touched me, was a picture of my uncle and I sitting on the couch at Christmas time. I was wearing a salmon striped shirt, jeans with rolled up legs, and long hair - down to the middle of my back. Looking at that photo, I didn't see a loser - I saw a kid who was scared, unhappy, and confused. He had recently confessed all his drug and alcohol abuse, but that wasn't enough. I had to keep playing the cool "stoner" kid part until I got out of high school. God forbid that anyone saw the "real me!"
And More...
In contast, I also found photos of me when I was around 11 or 12 years old, unkept hair, and that trademark snarling smile - something that I haven't lost over the years. This is due to teeth that were never corrected with braces - something many kids couldn't escape. I didn't want them, so I never got them. The photos depicted a kid who was much happier - of course, these were mostly vacation photos! The memories poured forth - however, it became easier to deal with them as I went along. It was then I realized that I had come a long way over that ten to fifteen years - something that my therapist continually reminds me of. I truly feel it now. Thanks, Doc!
Conclusion...
So, what have we learned today? Well, for one, getting rid of unneccesary and unused things in our lives gives us (and our parents) more space. More importantly, we also know that it can be a very cleansing and cathartic (yes, there's that word again) process. To be able to acknowledge, confront, and release these issues that are in the past is highly reccommended to anyone. So, if you have a bunch of old "junk" just laying around in your attic or whatever, take the time to go through it. You may be surprised at what lurks within! Enjoy!
Last night, I took on a huge project - to confront all the stuff that I had stored at my parents' house in the garage from 10-15 years ago. It consisted of many plastic totes, and some old toys. One of the totes was so heavy that my stepbrother had to help me load it in my truck! I got it all home, and began unpacking. What I was about to experience was very therapeutic - cathartic even!
Why Do I Hold On To This Stuff?
I couldn't believe the things that I found - old bank transaction slips, sales receipts, junk, junk, and more junk! I found the stuff from failed auto detailing business - it had all given up the ghost, since it sat for nearly a decade unused. That was the first stuff to go - into the trash! As I continued digging, I continually shook my head, asking, "why the hell did I keep THIS?" Of course, I knew the answer, but I knew that it really served no purpose now. Maybe it did at one time, but now it's time to get rid of it, once and for all. I was very relieved to let it all go - believe me!
But Wait...There's More!
I found several old cassette tapes that I haven't seen in years - some for good reason! I mean, how the hell did I end up with a Paula Abdul or Bobby Brown cassette? Must have been an ex's. Speaking of an ex, I found a reciept for a watch that I bought her from Wal-Mart. Now that I think about it, she really wasn't worth the $79.97 that I paid for it (a Seiko!) I guess love makes us do foolish things sometimes. I have to wonder...does she still have it? Probably not.
Toys...Toys...and More Toys!
Then comes the toys - Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars galore! I also found my beloved Micro Machines (they are really small,) which I couldn't bear to part with! I figure this much - I will hold on to the toys for future generations of my family (e.g. my adorable twin nieces!) I picked through them all, and chose a few to keep out for display - the really special ones. Now my Tonka Honda ATC (three wheeler) is on top of my monitor - the rider looking ready to kick some butt (as he always has.) One of my faves - a 6x6x6 (six wheeled) jeep is now perched above my sink, under the fluorescent light. Most people would probably put plants there, but for me, it's a mini-musueum of my favorite cars of the past. It's also the resting place for my little radio-controlled cars as well.
OK...Now On To The Mushy Stuff, et al...
After sifting and sorting through miscellaneous debris, I found a bunch of old photos and cards. These started to bring back pleasant memories, and some not so pleasant. I actually started to relive some events from that time period. I remember how unpleasant high school was for me, and how much crap I used to take from people. I remember the feeble attempts at relationships, and falling in love with a girl who was my best friend at the time, only to be turned away (it was for the better though.) I also found letters I'd written but never sent. Some of the most heartfelt and sincere words were "spoken" in them. As far as I could tell, I really started to struggle with bipolar disorder just before I got out of high school - I would say roughly 1990. Anyway, the memories started to come back, and I had to get control of myself. It was then that I realized that I DO have control. I can throw away these painful triggers and start over. I managed to get rid of enough paper to fill up a decent-sized garbage bag! What relief! I did hold on to the photos, however - they will be going into a photo album of sorts. Heck, I might even just make a scrapbook!
Letters From Family...
In the summer of 1992, I enrolled in the Job Corps and was stationed at Fort Atterbury in Edinburgh, Indiana. OK, it wasn't the military, but it was pretty damn close! Anyway, during the short time that I was there (more about why I left later,) I received several letters from close friends, relatives (including my sister and father.) I took the time to read through each one, and began to see the genuine love, care, and concern that they had for me. I started to feel guilty for the way I treated them in my adolescent and post-adolescent years. Then I realized that's all over now - it's in the past. I'm a changed person - a mature adult - a MAN.
Sis...
My sister had gone off to Sweden as a foreign exchange student, and had written me several times, urging me to write back to her. I think that I did maybe once or twice. I can only wonder how much she missed being home, yet having alot of fun. Of course, the guilt set in, and I nearly began to cry. Then I stopped, realizing that she is indeed back in my life, and we are closer than we've ever been. I know that she'd be touched deeply if she knew that I still had those letters. Even though I was a young punk, I knew deep down that those letters were special, and that's why I held onto them. Those will not be thrown away either - she said some very encouraging and uplifting things. This was a side of her that I had never seen until then. I am so deeply moved, and almost ready to cry as I write this. Sis, if you're reading this, I want to say something that I've never said to you before - I LOVE YOU!!!!
Photos...
I found photos of me just before I graduated high school. One that really touched me, was a picture of my uncle and I sitting on the couch at Christmas time. I was wearing a salmon striped shirt, jeans with rolled up legs, and long hair - down to the middle of my back. Looking at that photo, I didn't see a loser - I saw a kid who was scared, unhappy, and confused. He had recently confessed all his drug and alcohol abuse, but that wasn't enough. I had to keep playing the cool "stoner" kid part until I got out of high school. God forbid that anyone saw the "real me!"
And More...
In contast, I also found photos of me when I was around 11 or 12 years old, unkept hair, and that trademark snarling smile - something that I haven't lost over the years. This is due to teeth that were never corrected with braces - something many kids couldn't escape. I didn't want them, so I never got them. The photos depicted a kid who was much happier - of course, these were mostly vacation photos! The memories poured forth - however, it became easier to deal with them as I went along. It was then I realized that I had come a long way over that ten to fifteen years - something that my therapist continually reminds me of. I truly feel it now. Thanks, Doc!
Conclusion...
So, what have we learned today? Well, for one, getting rid of unneccesary and unused things in our lives gives us (and our parents) more space. More importantly, we also know that it can be a very cleansing and cathartic (yes, there's that word again) process. To be able to acknowledge, confront, and release these issues that are in the past is highly reccommended to anyone. So, if you have a bunch of old "junk" just laying around in your attic or whatever, take the time to go through it. You may be surprised at what lurks within! Enjoy!
Friday, December 02, 2005
The Art of Catching Up...
It Sure Has Been A While...
Yes, I realize that it has indeed been a while since I've posted - I assure you that I'm doing quite well. I've never felt so free in my life! So far, this "experiment" is working out even better than I imagined. I've taken a liking to things that I never thought I would, such as cooking and even cleaning! I take great pride in my housekeeping and culinary conquests. I was able to successfully follow the directions to make some alfredo noodles, and they turned out rather nicely. I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment!
Cleaning and Organization...
I am also able to keep this place extremely tidy. For once in my life, I am organized! I am still streamlining things, but I'm off to a great start. My filing cabinet is in better order than it was previously. I used to just throw everything in there, not labelling the hanging folders - now they are all labeled and easy to see. They aren't alphabetized yet, but that's ok. I may not even go that far. Just to know that everything is in the proper folder is enough for me. This alone is "good enough."
What Remains...
I still have the huge project of sorting through my media collection - LP's, CD's and CD-R's, cassettes, and open reel tapes. I think that the last count of LPs was in the neighborhood of 1,500 or so. Of course, I have 45 singles as well - at least a few hundred of those. My dad prefers to call them an "obsolete medium." I just can't bring myself to replace them with CD's. The truth of the matter is, there is alot of stuff that is out of print and you can't get it on CD. I guess I could rip them all on the PC, but that would take tremendous amounts of time, and use lots of styli on the turntable. I guess what I will eventually end up doing is going through them, writing down each one, and taking note of its availability. If it's commonly available, I'll just give in and get the CD. Sigh...
A Dilemma...
Now this is going to be a bit technical, but I will do my best not to blindside you with terminology and long-winded explanations. Another reason that I hold onto these old recordings is that when I hear the CD remaster, many times I don't like it. They don't use the same engineer in the process more often than not. Of course, each engineer hears things differently, and some may actually try to "sweeten" the recording. Sometimes this results in an undesirable product, and you regret ever buying the damn thing. Another factor is that these recordings were made on tape that is starting to wear out, or even worse, starting to decompose. True that there are safety copies, but each generation of a copy adds noise, and something gets lost along the way.
King Crimson, et al...
A vivid memory of this for me is when I first heard the first remaster of "In The Court of The Crimson King," by King Crimson. I noticed right away that something was lacking. The Mellotron (early sampling-type of keyboard) was rather buried in the mix, whereas on the original recording, it is very prominent. Not only that, I noticed an inordinate amount of background noise. To illustrate the point further, my buddy took out his LP copy of the same album (pressed around 1969,) and played the same song. Yes, you guessed - the orignal sounded better. Funny thing - Robert Fripp, the guitarist for the band, noticed this early on as well. He has stated many times his extreme dissatisfaction of the remaster recording, and took the liberty of releasing one that as close to the original as you could get. With a name like Fripp, it has to be good (sorry, Smuckers!) Enough said.
Anyway...
As you may tell in my writing demeanor, I am doing quite well for myself. I still have my lazy days (don't we all?) but I'm not sitting around depressed. I'm usually catching up on lost sleep, or just plum tuckered out. Once I am able, I will go to the doctor and get a physical. I am pretty certain that I will be told that I am hypoglycemic. This could have alot to do with my subsequent sleepiness after mealtimes. More on this later.
For Now...
I guess I'd better jump in the shower, head to the bank to pay some bills, and maybe do a little shopping as well. Things like hot dog tongs would come in handy - so would a knife set, or a mixer. Then again, some area rugs would be nice also. Updates will be more frequent - I promise!
Yes, I realize that it has indeed been a while since I've posted - I assure you that I'm doing quite well. I've never felt so free in my life! So far, this "experiment" is working out even better than I imagined. I've taken a liking to things that I never thought I would, such as cooking and even cleaning! I take great pride in my housekeeping and culinary conquests. I was able to successfully follow the directions to make some alfredo noodles, and they turned out rather nicely. I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment!
Cleaning and Organization...
I am also able to keep this place extremely tidy. For once in my life, I am organized! I am still streamlining things, but I'm off to a great start. My filing cabinet is in better order than it was previously. I used to just throw everything in there, not labelling the hanging folders - now they are all labeled and easy to see. They aren't alphabetized yet, but that's ok. I may not even go that far. Just to know that everything is in the proper folder is enough for me. This alone is "good enough."
What Remains...
I still have the huge project of sorting through my media collection - LP's, CD's and CD-R's, cassettes, and open reel tapes. I think that the last count of LPs was in the neighborhood of 1,500 or so. Of course, I have 45 singles as well - at least a few hundred of those. My dad prefers to call them an "obsolete medium." I just can't bring myself to replace them with CD's. The truth of the matter is, there is alot of stuff that is out of print and you can't get it on CD. I guess I could rip them all on the PC, but that would take tremendous amounts of time, and use lots of styli on the turntable. I guess what I will eventually end up doing is going through them, writing down each one, and taking note of its availability. If it's commonly available, I'll just give in and get the CD. Sigh...
A Dilemma...
Now this is going to be a bit technical, but I will do my best not to blindside you with terminology and long-winded explanations. Another reason that I hold onto these old recordings is that when I hear the CD remaster, many times I don't like it. They don't use the same engineer in the process more often than not. Of course, each engineer hears things differently, and some may actually try to "sweeten" the recording. Sometimes this results in an undesirable product, and you regret ever buying the damn thing. Another factor is that these recordings were made on tape that is starting to wear out, or even worse, starting to decompose. True that there are safety copies, but each generation of a copy adds noise, and something gets lost along the way.
King Crimson, et al...
A vivid memory of this for me is when I first heard the first remaster of "In The Court of The Crimson King," by King Crimson. I noticed right away that something was lacking. The Mellotron (early sampling-type of keyboard) was rather buried in the mix, whereas on the original recording, it is very prominent. Not only that, I noticed an inordinate amount of background noise. To illustrate the point further, my buddy took out his LP copy of the same album (pressed around 1969,) and played the same song. Yes, you guessed - the orignal sounded better. Funny thing - Robert Fripp, the guitarist for the band, noticed this early on as well. He has stated many times his extreme dissatisfaction of the remaster recording, and took the liberty of releasing one that as close to the original as you could get. With a name like Fripp, it has to be good (sorry, Smuckers!) Enough said.
Anyway...
As you may tell in my writing demeanor, I am doing quite well for myself. I still have my lazy days (don't we all?) but I'm not sitting around depressed. I'm usually catching up on lost sleep, or just plum tuckered out. Once I am able, I will go to the doctor and get a physical. I am pretty certain that I will be told that I am hypoglycemic. This could have alot to do with my subsequent sleepiness after mealtimes. More on this later.
For Now...
I guess I'd better jump in the shower, head to the bank to pay some bills, and maybe do a little shopping as well. Things like hot dog tongs would come in handy - so would a knife set, or a mixer. Then again, some area rugs would be nice also. Updates will be more frequent - I promise!
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Connected...
I'm Back!
Well, I'm back again, and I will post much more frequently. I miss posting so much - I've been so busy with this moving and settling in that I haven't had time to get caught up. I am now pleased to say that I am 3/4 of the way there. I still have a ton of records, tapes, and maybe one piece of furniture that needs to be picked up. Tonight I will do that, and this will finish off the moving process for a long, long time. My dad is going to help me design and build a new shelf for my albums and other things. I think that I'm going to need a bookshelf as well. The shelves in the closet are not strong enough to hold several books!
Blogging By Candlelight...
Yep, I have 2 candles burning right now - one in the living area, and one in my bedroom. I love the glow and the aroma that they emit! I did my cleaning today - Saturday seems to be my day to do it, and I love the smell of a clean kitchen (thanks to Pine-Sol,) and bathroom. After having to live in filth and squalor on more than one occasion, I can't stand to leave anything messy. Even the dishes get done very quickly - I guess that I'm every wife's dream, eh? Yes, I do have alot of time on my hands to do the cleaning, but I would still make time to do it. It's amazing how life's experiences can cause you to do a complete 180-degree shift in your thinking. I never used to care about any of that stuff, but now I'm very conscious of how things look and smell now. The very thought of someone smoking in here repulses me! That nasty yucky film.....EWWWWW!
Anyway...
As I said previously, I'm going to finish getting everything else and get it situated. The night is young, and we will see what it holds. Thanks for checking in, and I'll take time a little later to check in on all of you. I have much more to say, but I'll save it for later.
HOME SWEET HOME!
Well, I'm back again, and I will post much more frequently. I miss posting so much - I've been so busy with this moving and settling in that I haven't had time to get caught up. I am now pleased to say that I am 3/4 of the way there. I still have a ton of records, tapes, and maybe one piece of furniture that needs to be picked up. Tonight I will do that, and this will finish off the moving process for a long, long time. My dad is going to help me design and build a new shelf for my albums and other things. I think that I'm going to need a bookshelf as well. The shelves in the closet are not strong enough to hold several books!
Blogging By Candlelight...
Yep, I have 2 candles burning right now - one in the living area, and one in my bedroom. I love the glow and the aroma that they emit! I did my cleaning today - Saturday seems to be my day to do it, and I love the smell of a clean kitchen (thanks to Pine-Sol,) and bathroom. After having to live in filth and squalor on more than one occasion, I can't stand to leave anything messy. Even the dishes get done very quickly - I guess that I'm every wife's dream, eh? Yes, I do have alot of time on my hands to do the cleaning, but I would still make time to do it. It's amazing how life's experiences can cause you to do a complete 180-degree shift in your thinking. I never used to care about any of that stuff, but now I'm very conscious of how things look and smell now. The very thought of someone smoking in here repulses me! That nasty yucky film.....EWWWWW!
Anyway...
As I said previously, I'm going to finish getting everything else and get it situated. The night is young, and we will see what it holds. Thanks for checking in, and I'll take time a little later to check in on all of you. I have much more to say, but I'll save it for later.
HOME SWEET HOME!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Found A Home!
Good News!
Yep, I found a home. I have a nice cozy 1 bedroom apartment not too far from where I was staying recently. I must have looked at about a dozen or so units until I found this one - it had my name on it. Talk about a stroke of luck - it even has a brand new stove! It's in an older building, but it has all the finer accoutrements that I need. I love the fact that it has radiated heat (yes, the old-fashioned style with those big radiators.) Sure, the radiators do take up a little space, but the air will have humidity, and not be dry like a forced air furnace. The high ceilings give the impression of massive space, and the doors are of the old-fashioned and tall (over 8 ft) variety. Everyone I have shown it to agrees that it's very nice, and the rent was just right!
Family Lends A Hand...
As soon as I told my sister that I was looking for a place to stay, she gladly offered to help me look, as did my father and stepmother. Pretty soon, I had lots of places to check out. When I found THE place, my sister and my father were glad to help me move everything out (even though they complained that I have too much stuff, and I do!) After I moved in to my current residence, my sister again extended her kindness and generosity. She knew that I was in need of some kitchen and bathroom items, and bought me some of those as well. She even asked me if what she picked out was okay with me - I had no issues with her choices. She has a keen eye for picking out color-coordinated stuff, and I trust her judgement. Dark blue seems to be the theme throughout, due to the white colored walls and fixtures.
Anyway...
I still need to get a phone and internet access - I feel so cut off from the world right now. Sure, I have a TV, but it's not the same, and I can only stand to watch so much before I turn it off. When I get internet access again, I will update much more frequently. Wish me luck!
Yep, I found a home. I have a nice cozy 1 bedroom apartment not too far from where I was staying recently. I must have looked at about a dozen or so units until I found this one - it had my name on it. Talk about a stroke of luck - it even has a brand new stove! It's in an older building, but it has all the finer accoutrements that I need. I love the fact that it has radiated heat (yes, the old-fashioned style with those big radiators.) Sure, the radiators do take up a little space, but the air will have humidity, and not be dry like a forced air furnace. The high ceilings give the impression of massive space, and the doors are of the old-fashioned and tall (over 8 ft) variety. Everyone I have shown it to agrees that it's very nice, and the rent was just right!
Family Lends A Hand...
As soon as I told my sister that I was looking for a place to stay, she gladly offered to help me look, as did my father and stepmother. Pretty soon, I had lots of places to check out. When I found THE place, my sister and my father were glad to help me move everything out (even though they complained that I have too much stuff, and I do!) After I moved in to my current residence, my sister again extended her kindness and generosity. She knew that I was in need of some kitchen and bathroom items, and bought me some of those as well. She even asked me if what she picked out was okay with me - I had no issues with her choices. She has a keen eye for picking out color-coordinated stuff, and I trust her judgement. Dark blue seems to be the theme throughout, due to the white colored walls and fixtures.
Anyway...
I still need to get a phone and internet access - I feel so cut off from the world right now. Sure, I have a TV, but it's not the same, and I can only stand to watch so much before I turn it off. When I get internet access again, I will update much more frequently. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Time Out for Feedback...
Here's where I get caught up for the week. I hope that I can post more, but we'll see.
Thanks to everyone for your extremely kind comments and feedback. It makes me feel much better as well. As Elvira says, mental illness can make you feel sometimes that the world is against you, and even people that love you have turned against you (even though they haven't.)
Truth be told, when I made a post and no one commented, that's how I felt sometimes. I know that it's such an extreme, but it was reality to me - a self-imposed exile in which I felt that there was nothing I could do. Whenever I thought that I had found a way out, my brain would instantly generate a reason as to why it wouldn't work.
It seems that anxiety and panic are my best friends, yet my worst enemies. This paradoxical relationship has seemed to take over my life and pretty much dictates what I can do. It's true that I'm slowly moving closer to being able to participate in daily life again, but I'm still scared as hell.
The "What-If's" just keep on coming. I just never realized that you could just say "so what!" and move on. With me, it would always stop at the answer of the "what-if," and end with something negative or uninspiring. Maybe it was the way that I was brought up. More on this later.
Broke, thanks for checking in. I appreciate it immensely. With this relocation business going on, I haven't had much time to check out blogs as much as I would like, but I will catch up soon.
Radin, thank you for your kinds words. I am glad that I can bring up topics that resonate with others. I guess with this blog, I am attempting to do two things: 1)to say what is on my mind, like a journal, and 2)to reach out to others, giving them some information or insight into our lives. Just knowing that people read what I write is comforting and inspiring as well. What I would really like to do is to ask the opinions of my readers and understand their point of view.
Nikky, thanks for sharing your adventure. As I said, I wouldn't know what to do if I was in your shoes. That is a pretty sticky situation, to be sure. I know that I would feel alot of hurt and anger - perphaps even betrayed. Love and life can be wicked things sometimes.
Tabor, yeah I know what you mean. Sometimes I'm not so fortunate as to what songs sticks in my head. Having worked in radio for a while, advertising jingles would get stuck there as well. To make matters worse, I also collect radio ID jingles (they say the name of the radio station) and you could only imagine when a silly 5-second piece of music would enter my head! I have a virtual "cart machine" in my head that fires them off at will in the most unsuspecting moments.
Okay - I have much to do today, so I do have to be on my way. Thanks again to everyone, and I will be posting very soon.
FYI - A cart machine is a device that plays pre-recorded tape cartridges in a radio station. They are very similar to 8-tracks in that they never end.
Thanks to everyone for your extremely kind comments and feedback. It makes me feel much better as well. As Elvira says, mental illness can make you feel sometimes that the world is against you, and even people that love you have turned against you (even though they haven't.)
Truth be told, when I made a post and no one commented, that's how I felt sometimes. I know that it's such an extreme, but it was reality to me - a self-imposed exile in which I felt that there was nothing I could do. Whenever I thought that I had found a way out, my brain would instantly generate a reason as to why it wouldn't work.
It seems that anxiety and panic are my best friends, yet my worst enemies. This paradoxical relationship has seemed to take over my life and pretty much dictates what I can do. It's true that I'm slowly moving closer to being able to participate in daily life again, but I'm still scared as hell.
The "What-If's" just keep on coming. I just never realized that you could just say "so what!" and move on. With me, it would always stop at the answer of the "what-if," and end with something negative or uninspiring. Maybe it was the way that I was brought up. More on this later.
Broke, thanks for checking in. I appreciate it immensely. With this relocation business going on, I haven't had much time to check out blogs as much as I would like, but I will catch up soon.
Radin, thank you for your kinds words. I am glad that I can bring up topics that resonate with others. I guess with this blog, I am attempting to do two things: 1)to say what is on my mind, like a journal, and 2)to reach out to others, giving them some information or insight into our lives. Just knowing that people read what I write is comforting and inspiring as well. What I would really like to do is to ask the opinions of my readers and understand their point of view.
Nikky, thanks for sharing your adventure. As I said, I wouldn't know what to do if I was in your shoes. That is a pretty sticky situation, to be sure. I know that I would feel alot of hurt and anger - perphaps even betrayed. Love and life can be wicked things sometimes.
Tabor, yeah I know what you mean. Sometimes I'm not so fortunate as to what songs sticks in my head. Having worked in radio for a while, advertising jingles would get stuck there as well. To make matters worse, I also collect radio ID jingles (they say the name of the radio station) and you could only imagine when a silly 5-second piece of music would enter my head! I have a virtual "cart machine" in my head that fires them off at will in the most unsuspecting moments.
Okay - I have much to do today, so I do have to be on my way. Thanks again to everyone, and I will be posting very soon.
FYI - A cart machine is a device that plays pre-recorded tape cartridges in a radio station. They are very similar to 8-tracks in that they never end.
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