A Man I'll Never Be...

Every time I get in a relationship, this is how I feel - This song hits it dead on.


A Man I'll Never Be
by Boston

If I said what’s on my mind
You’d turn and walk away
Disappearing way back in your dreams
It’s so hard to be unkind
So easy just to say
That everything is just the way it seems

You look up at me
And somewhere in your mind you see
A man I’ll never be

If only I could find a way
I’d feel like I’m the man you believe I am
And it gets harder every day for me
To hide behind this dream you see
A man I’ll never be

I can’t get any stronger
I can’t climb any higher
You’ll never know just how hard I’ve tried
Cry a little longer
And hold a little tighter
Emotions can’t be satisfied

You look up at me
And somewhere in your mind you see
A man I’ll never be

If only I could find a way
I’d feel like I’m the man you believe I am
And it gets harder every day for me
To hide behind this dream you see
A man I’ll never be
(I can't keep hiding this feeling)


A Revelation of Sorts

A very good friend of mine told me something that nearly brought me tears. He told me that I have a beautiful mind. I never had anyone tell me that before. I was so taken aback by it. In the midst of everything, I didnt' show much reaction, but as time went on, I began to really feel good about it.

This was during a conversation about relationships, which for me is a very complicated subject. Every time I am in one, I feel that I have to "play up" to the part (as the song suggests.) I always feel that the woman sees something in me that I don't see within myself, and I can't accept that as truth. It's like an automatic reflex kicks in and says "No you're not! What gives you the right to feel good about yourself?"


An Automatic Reflex

Several people have pointed out that with me, a negative aspect is almost guaranteed when I refer to myself. For instance, I could say "well, I'm a good musician, however I don't feel that I'm as good as I need to be." You see what happened? It's totally second-nature. It's amazing how we just pick up on this stuff. Positivity takes more practice because it's a whole new ball game, and just like anything else you have to work at it. Also as in any training situation, it's alot of hard work.


He also said that I do have a tendency to beat myself up. I totally agree. Self-abuse seems to be one of the things I excel at in my life. Of course I'm not proud of it. It just seems to be a way of life with me. Someday I will realize that my perception is all wrong and that it's just a chemical imbalance. For right now, it's very hard to believe or incoporate it sitations when the chips are down. So in the meantime, I immerse myself in these dark and sad thoughts - an emotional marinade, so to speak. And you know what happens when a marinade soaks in - it tends to influence the flavor of what it's in.


All in all, things could be much worse than they are. I could have aboslutely nothing, living on the street, having to walk everywhere, etc. It's easy to take things like that for granted, because they are always there. When they are gone, we really appreciate those "simple things."


The Propaganda Machine

I blame it partly on modern society with it's brainwashing/propaganda advertising (even if what you have now works well, you still need this because it's better than brand X....) The muddled masses of people just give in and become like sheep. Years ago, there was an appliance store that featured a commercial for their "Midnight Madness" sale. It featured people either sleeping or doing something else. They would get zapped by some strange laser beam and instantly become a zombie (typical hands in front of them) and walk to the store. To me they were saying, "hey look what we can do to you - we can make you come at our beck and call. You can't resist. We have all control....) ok you get the idea. Powertripping, in a nutshell.


Me Too!

Anyhow, my point is that we need to take stock in what is within us, not what we own. I can't stand how materialistic the world has become. Sure we all want some nice things, but some people just buy things for all the wrong reasons. "My friend has one, so maybe I should have one too." I tried out that theory once. It's like "The grass is greener on the other side." You get there and it's not what you imagined. Your friend may be totally enamored by what he has - however, you might not feel the same way, if not disappointed. So many people forget about that. I used to make fun of people like that. I would call them "The ME-TOO Club" because they had to have what so-and-so had.


Wanna-be

Case in point: Tonight at jam night there was a guy there who showed up to jam. He opened his gig bag and had a nice configuration of effects pedals on the board. I took one look at it and said "Incubus." Strangely enough, they never played any Incubus. But the kid couldn't have been more than 18 or 19. Some of the stuff pre-dates his youth (or mine even!) Anymore, they buy the stuff because it's "cool." They really don't appreciate what it can do. Over time they find this out and part with it. For a moment, the advertisers/manufacturers win. They lured yet another one. OK. That's settled. Before I go off on any more tangents, I'm going to wrap this one up!

GOOD DAY!