That's a good question - with so many answers. I ask myself this on a continual basis:
Why do I do what I do?
Why do I care so much about this?
Why does it have to be this way?
Why does this influence me so much?
Why do I have to wake up?
Normal?
I want to function like a normal human being - I really do. I just seem to have difficulty with that. I know that it's not impossible, but it certainly holds a challenge for me. I know that I'm dedicated and passionate about music and all, but as I look to my life, it seems that I'm so technically steeped into things that I forget about the simple pleasures of life - going for walks, gardening, cycling, etc. There once was a time when I did that frequently - that is, until I built my "fortress."
Origins
I think that it really started for me during high school. I didn't have alot of friends, and I kept mostly to myself. I had lots of time to do things - to experiment. I started collecting lots of vintage electronics (stereo, radio broadcast, musical instruments, etc.) In the eyes of others, I was a junk collector. To me, this stuff was like heaven. I could set up an old stereo system and re-live my youth and imagine that I'm a kid again - listening to some obscure '70's Kraut-Rock band (like Ammon Duul II) and having fun. It was a total illusion. I could get lost in my own world and not have to face reality. It's the same reasons lots of people use drugs and alcohol (I did that too, but not the point.) It's an ESCAPE.
Here Behind My Wall...
From what? From the fact that I was miserable and lonely. I think that I had that little "paradise" was what saved me from thinking too much and making the ultimate mistake. I would just go and buy more and more, so much in fact that it was stacking up to the ceiling. My brother-in-law said that my room looked like NASA! I thought that was hilarious! But the truth was plain for me to see - I didn't have much of a life. When friends came over, I would get into these deeply technical discussions, and totally overlook simple things and world affairs. I could stay voluntarily trapped within the confines of my wall until I decided that it was ok to leave for work, or some other event that neccessitated my leaving the premises.
Looking Back...
I look back now and realize that was a sort of "coping mechanism" for me - it was how I survived through life. It gave me reason to go on and to work. I did have a few friends who would "kidnap" me for the weekend for camping trips and the like, but my mind always seemed to be captivated by the technical things. It was very awkward to meet people, especially girls that I wanted to date, or who wanted to date me. Very abstract thinking is what they had to deal with, and I think that it frightened more than a few of them. At that age, people aren't thinking of that stuff - they just want to get out and have fun! I missed out on alot of that. *sigh*
More Questions...
I know that I've brought this up before, but I do find myself wondering if I should keep holding on to my past (items I've accumulated along the way,) or should I just get with it and live totally in the digital age? I have a tendency to go against the flow of things, and this is no exception. Yes, I'm ebracing digital technology right now with computer use - it's been a huge help so far for writing and production. I can't deny that.
A Comparison
On one hand, I see the total convenience of the unit and its versatility; on the other, I see a plain box with no personality, no character - so utilitarian. It evokes a presence of "I'm just a mean, faceless, big box under your desk - I ain't goin' nowhere..." It's just impersonal and ominous.
Think Black...
I don't like the plain black look of most things today. The lack of chrome accents or color contrasts is very doomsday-ish. Utilitarianism will only get you so far. You don't realize how boring it is, because after a while, you just don't care. I remember the days when things were meant to be a visual statement - to stand out among the rest. They would have a commanding presence that would make you stop and say "wow, now that is COOL!" This could apply to various things such as: houses, appliances, automobiles, tools, toys, motorcycles, and furniture. Contrary to popular belief, contrast IS a good thing! Why do you think there is a contrast control on your TV set? What's that? Oh yeah - it's on the remote now....grrrr Damnit! I want my rack-mountable gear with woodgrain-veneer side panels!
So.....
Anyway, the question here is - do I just swallow my pride and move on to more modern things, as so many others have done? I know for sure that I would miss everything from my past, and just the mere thought of losing it all would drive me into a panic. So I hold on...and hold on...
And I ask...
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I Live
by The Fixx
And the feeling just ain't right
As I stare into the light
What a time to take a fall
I can't stand the night
And it's long in the tooth
But short in foresight
It's all that I have
And so I'll hold on tight
So I live
That's about all I can say
I breathe nearly every day
Some say that it's better this way
That I live, I live
Take a chance to hear the call
Make a stand to be so tall
'Cause it's all that you have
Like winter to follow the fall
Like winter to follow the fall
So I live
That's about all I can say
I breathe nearly every day
Some say that it's better this way
That I live, I live
Wo oh Wa oh, I live
Some say that it's better this way
That I live, I live
And the feeling just ain't right
As I stare into the light
What a time to take a fall
I can't stand the night
And it's long in the tooth
But short in foresight
It's all that I have
So hold on tight
So hold on tight
So hold on tight
So hold on tight
So I live
That's about all I can say
I breathe nearly every day
Some say that it's better this way
That I live, I live
Wo oh Wa oh, I live
Some say that it's better this way
That I live, I live
2 comments:
I think the reluctance to make changes is not necessarily pathological. Years ago I spent many days and nights with only my young daughter as my companion. (Yes, I was married but my husband at that time was married to his job.) Anyway, I did EVERYTHING with this little one. Eventually, the day came that she was ready for pre-school. I dropped her off looking forward to a day of shopping and finally running errands with some freedom. I cannot begin to tell you how strange I felt walking around a mall all by myself. Eating lunch at the food court was horrible. I thought everyone was looking at me. I mean I really did! I realized that this was stupid, but the feeling was still there. I think sometimes we are such creatures of habit that we avoid change just for that reason.
Sometimes it is hard for me to move on and I prefer to cling to my past. But not long ago I committed myself to move on and make a few changes. I had tried that before through efforts to changing my personality but failed. I now realize that it does not have to be that way. One does not have to change altogether. This happened during one of my rapid mood changes experiences. I kept telling myself that I should not be controlled by the mood and think what is right and just do it even though it may seam difficult going against what my mood dictated me. We all know at the back of our mind what is the right thing to do and our habits sometimes just prevent us from doing so. And they tend to push us towards our comfortable past reactions we are familiar with. What frightened me every time I wanted to do different thing (that I felt was the right thing to do) was that I did not know what the outcome would be or how I would feel afterwards. I left that feeling away and now I am getting used to the new situation. I am feeling more comfortable with the new situation. At the moment I am working on repairing my relationships. I always resisted to take the post as a say father etc. because I thought they were forced upon me by the written law of society and I hated that feeling. I used to go against such things that gave me this feeling. Now I feel I have to crack the egg shell I lived in for so long and come to the open and accept all the consequences. Life is so short and I do not want to live it inside anymore.
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