Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
It's Raining Again...
It's Raining Again
by Supertramp
by Supertramp
It's raining again
Oh no, my love's at an end.
Oh no, it's raining again
and you know it's hard to pretend.
Oh no, it's raining again
Too bad I'm losing a friend.
Oh no, it's raining again
Oh will my heart ever mend.
Oh no, it's raining again
You're old enough some people say
To read the signs and walk away
It's only time that heals the pain
And makes the sun come out again
It's raining again
Oh no, my love's at an end.
Oh no, it's raining again
Too bad I'm losing a friend.
C'mon you little fighter
No need to get uptighter
C'mon you little fighter
And get back up again
Thoughts...
Should I?
Today I feel like like just grabbing what I need and heading for the road. I want to sell off most of my stuff and just go somewhere else. Just slip on out unnoticed. I've always wanted to just disappear for a while, and maybe resurface later with a new identity. That would involve a name change, and that's ok with me. I was seriously contemplating it after my father passes on. I'm not ashamed of my name, I'm just ashamed of my past and the mess I'm in. I feel like I have to leave it all behind and start over again. I've had other thoughts concerning that, but it's not what you think. If you've ever seen "Eddie & The Cruisers," you'll know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, then you won't.
Changing Things
I guess I'm depressed today. I found out that my business website is no longer functional and is pretty much history. Someone else who was in my life was paying for that, and we are no longer together, so I can understand why she would not want to this time. I can't blame her for that. Maybe it's time for a change, after all. Hell, I was even thinking of changing the name of my blog to something else - I think that the name is pretty corny and would be more appealing with a more catchier one.
Is It Neccessary?
I always feel that if I change something, that will make it better or different. Sometimes this is true, and others it is not. For instance, if it's a problem, it has to be confronted no matter what it appears to be. Honestly though, any other time, change is difficult. But right now, I would change things at the drop of a hat, regardless of the circumstances. I'm sure that it would hurt more than help me.
That's all for now...lost inspiration. I don't think it was there to begin with today.
Today I feel like like just grabbing what I need and heading for the road. I want to sell off most of my stuff and just go somewhere else. Just slip on out unnoticed. I've always wanted to just disappear for a while, and maybe resurface later with a new identity. That would involve a name change, and that's ok with me. I was seriously contemplating it after my father passes on. I'm not ashamed of my name, I'm just ashamed of my past and the mess I'm in. I feel like I have to leave it all behind and start over again. I've had other thoughts concerning that, but it's not what you think. If you've ever seen "Eddie & The Cruisers," you'll know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, then you won't.
Changing Things
I guess I'm depressed today. I found out that my business website is no longer functional and is pretty much history. Someone else who was in my life was paying for that, and we are no longer together, so I can understand why she would not want to this time. I can't blame her for that. Maybe it's time for a change, after all. Hell, I was even thinking of changing the name of my blog to something else - I think that the name is pretty corny and would be more appealing with a more catchier one.
Is It Neccessary?
I always feel that if I change something, that will make it better or different. Sometimes this is true, and others it is not. For instance, if it's a problem, it has to be confronted no matter what it appears to be. Honestly though, any other time, change is difficult. But right now, I would change things at the drop of a hat, regardless of the circumstances. I'm sure that it would hurt more than help me.
That's all for now...lost inspiration. I don't think it was there to begin with today.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Time for Funny Stuff (sorta)
I'm a watch geek (I collect lots of them, some nice ones, and some nice looking but cheap.) A friend of mine who is a big Rolex collector, showed me this site, and I found this little story there as well. I just got a kick out of it! I also love the use of Playmobil action figures (had many as a kid!) If you've ever changed a watch band, you'll know why I think it's funny! Personally, I don't care for the style they had chosen to switch it with (I like black or brown leather,) but it's still a humorous take on the task.
Better still, here's yet another method (albeit not the way most people would do it, but...)
Better still, here's yet another method (albeit not the way most people would do it, but...)
Friday, April 29, 2005
Infinite Insanity
Picture if you will....a song on a continous loop, yet the vocals are ever-changing - pounding this ever-assuring message of doom into your mind. Eventually, a little voice crawls from out of your mind basically saying that it's going crazy. Only Phish could do that. It's a nice little ditty, and it is my song for today.
Frankie Says
by Phish
time is me and I should know
I knew this several months ago
I knew more than I do now
for I've been turned around somehow
relax the world will spin beside itself and suck you in
with threats and hopes beyond compare
I change the landscape as I pass
meandering from sand to glass
I suction there for one whole day
until the feeling goes away
I don't need these orbits in my life
revolve and cycle through
don't keep coming back for more
I don't need this circular design
wheel and spin away from me
you've been by here before
(faintly repeating)
I've lost my mind
I've lost my way
I'm bound to lose
You wonder where I am
Frankie Says
by Phish
time is me and I should know
I knew this several months ago
I knew more than I do now
for I've been turned around somehow
relax the world will spin beside itself and suck you in
with threats and hopes beyond compare
I change the landscape as I pass
meandering from sand to glass
I suction there for one whole day
until the feeling goes away
I don't need these orbits in my life
revolve and cycle through
don't keep coming back for more
I don't need this circular design
wheel and spin away from me
you've been by here before
(faintly repeating)
I've lost my mind
I've lost my way
I'm bound to lose
You wonder where I am
Stuck In The Rut
Well, I did it again. I slept 11 hours or so. I did set my alarm to wake me at around 7:30 am. I kept hitting the snooze bar (because I felt so lethargic,) and eventually shut off the alarm altogether. I remember waking up around 9:30 am and then thinking to myself "I'll get up around 10...." Then it was 12...1...and finally 2pm that I decided to wake from the dead. This is one thing that I must work on if I wish to function normally once again.
Weakness...Physically
I wake up in a sleep-induced haze. I feel lethargic and really just want to lay there all day and night. There is no energy within me, that is until I find some food to eat, and my blood sugar begins to come back up. Slowly I emerge from this powerlessness into a slightly functioning human being. Now this is just my physical composure, not my mental one. That's an entirely different story.
The Other Side of The Coin
The mental part of me is an entirely different story altogether. I wake up sometimes in a panic, worried that I have missed doing something; or I wake up angry because I slept the day away; or I wake up and feel guilty (most of the time) and that I "should" be doing something else besides sleeping at that time. Once I get out of the bed and put my feet on the floor, I start to have a bearing as to where I'm at emotionally.
The Dream
Last night, I had a dream about an ex-girlfriend (from about 10 years ago and whom I worked with) that pretty much prophesized that she was coming back into my life. There's no way I'm going to let that happen! It's a long story that I'll tell much later. Anyway, you can pretty much tell what kind of mood I woke up in; a touch of paranoia mixed with some anger, and of course guilt. What a way to start the day.
Extremes
About four months ago, I had difficulty sleeping, due to the medication that I was on at the time (risperdal.) When I was taken off of it, I slowly began to be able to sleep again. I started taking Lamictal which really seemed to help me in many respects mentally, but it also made me sleep excessively. This is getting to really be a problem in life-functioning.
Argh!
Damn it! I lost the rest of my post! So now I'm irritated and of course recovering from the panic of "oh no, where did it go?" I clicked at the top of this edit window, and somehow part of my post was erased. I guess it's kind of funny if you think about it, but it was rather frustrating. All the time I was thinking to myself "better open a notepad file and just type it all in there, or at least copy to it." Ah, the bitter irony....sigh
Ramblings
I remember this much - I was rambling on how I realized the consequences of sleeping in could affect my life (finding a job, exercise, etc.) blah, blah, blah. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the seriousness of a post that I forget that I'm rambling on and on about it. Usually it's a pointing out of the obvious. Maybe it's to teach myself along the way. Who knows?
In Closing...
I know what I need to do. I need to get up when that alarm goes off, get ready, and get out in the world during daylight hours. It will be a challenge, but it's not impossible. I'm tired of living the life of a vampire. It's true that I like the night life, but once upon a time, I liked being outside in the sun...laying on the beach, and getting a nice tan.
Well, I did it again. I slept 11 hours or so. I did set my alarm to wake me at around 7:30 am. I kept hitting the snooze bar (because I felt so lethargic,) and eventually shut off the alarm altogether. I remember waking up around 9:30 am and then thinking to myself "I'll get up around 10...." Then it was 12...1...and finally 2pm that I decided to wake from the dead. This is one thing that I must work on if I wish to function normally once again.
Weakness...Physically
I wake up in a sleep-induced haze. I feel lethargic and really just want to lay there all day and night. There is no energy within me, that is until I find some food to eat, and my blood sugar begins to come back up. Slowly I emerge from this powerlessness into a slightly functioning human being. Now this is just my physical composure, not my mental one. That's an entirely different story.
The Other Side of The Coin
The mental part of me is an entirely different story altogether. I wake up sometimes in a panic, worried that I have missed doing something; or I wake up angry because I slept the day away; or I wake up and feel guilty (most of the time) and that I "should" be doing something else besides sleeping at that time. Once I get out of the bed and put my feet on the floor, I start to have a bearing as to where I'm at emotionally.
The Dream
Last night, I had a dream about an ex-girlfriend (from about 10 years ago and whom I worked with) that pretty much prophesized that she was coming back into my life. There's no way I'm going to let that happen! It's a long story that I'll tell much later. Anyway, you can pretty much tell what kind of mood I woke up in; a touch of paranoia mixed with some anger, and of course guilt. What a way to start the day.
Extremes
About four months ago, I had difficulty sleeping, due to the medication that I was on at the time (risperdal.) When I was taken off of it, I slowly began to be able to sleep again. I started taking Lamictal which really seemed to help me in many respects mentally, but it also made me sleep excessively. This is getting to really be a problem in life-functioning.
Argh!
Damn it! I lost the rest of my post! So now I'm irritated and of course recovering from the panic of "oh no, where did it go?" I clicked at the top of this edit window, and somehow part of my post was erased. I guess it's kind of funny if you think about it, but it was rather frustrating. All the time I was thinking to myself "better open a notepad file and just type it all in there, or at least copy to it." Ah, the bitter irony....sigh
Ramblings
I remember this much - I was rambling on how I realized the consequences of sleeping in could affect my life (finding a job, exercise, etc.) blah, blah, blah. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the seriousness of a post that I forget that I'm rambling on and on about it. Usually it's a pointing out of the obvious. Maybe it's to teach myself along the way. Who knows?
In Closing...
I know what I need to do. I need to get up when that alarm goes off, get ready, and get out in the world during daylight hours. It will be a challenge, but it's not impossible. I'm tired of living the life of a vampire. It's true that I like the night life, but once upon a time, I liked being outside in the sun...laying on the beach, and getting a nice tan.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
A Sigh of Relief
Reaching Out
After contacting a very good friend via telephone, I got a better perspective on things. She helped me to calm down, get my wits about me, and look at things differently. She has been there in the past during some of my hard-core panic attacks, most of them I was crying and felt I was losing my mind.
Doing Better
I'm still a little on the touchy side, but it could be worse. I called the Social Security Office and talked to them. The lady on the phone was very nice to me, and that helped alot. She just wanted to know my work history, why I had a hard time working, etc. I felt so much better after I called. It was alot better than dealing with the paperwork.
Things To Be Done
I still have lots of things to be done, but it's nice to know that I have a few out of the way. I am not as paranoid about them as I was originally. I talked with my roommate about the rent situation, and he's going to work out something for me. I am glad for that. So now it's time to see what I can sell off to make some money. I have a few items in mind - some old unused guitars, old recording gear and tapes... Those should fetch some decent money on Ebay. Don't worry, I'm not going to auction off my whole life, just the stuff that is redundant and I don't use anymore. However, my vintage stereo gear will remain forever! That's NOT going anywhere.
Out To Face The World
Well, it's time to go to therapy, and go face the rest of the world. I know that it will do me quite a bit of good to go to my sessions, and I always look forward to it. Last time I didn't say much, but this time I'm going to share more with the group. I have issues of feeling that I don't belong no matter where I go, but I will do my best nonetheless. There I am accepted unconditionally; for who I am. I am grateful for that. Wish me luck!
After contacting a very good friend via telephone, I got a better perspective on things. She helped me to calm down, get my wits about me, and look at things differently. She has been there in the past during some of my hard-core panic attacks, most of them I was crying and felt I was losing my mind.
Doing Better
I'm still a little on the touchy side, but it could be worse. I called the Social Security Office and talked to them. The lady on the phone was very nice to me, and that helped alot. She just wanted to know my work history, why I had a hard time working, etc. I felt so much better after I called. It was alot better than dealing with the paperwork.
Things To Be Done
I still have lots of things to be done, but it's nice to know that I have a few out of the way. I am not as paranoid about them as I was originally. I talked with my roommate about the rent situation, and he's going to work out something for me. I am glad for that. So now it's time to see what I can sell off to make some money. I have a few items in mind - some old unused guitars, old recording gear and tapes... Those should fetch some decent money on Ebay. Don't worry, I'm not going to auction off my whole life, just the stuff that is redundant and I don't use anymore. However, my vintage stereo gear will remain forever! That's NOT going anywhere.
Out To Face The World
Well, it's time to go to therapy, and go face the rest of the world. I know that it will do me quite a bit of good to go to my sessions, and I always look forward to it. Last time I didn't say much, but this time I'm going to share more with the group. I have issues of feeling that I don't belong no matter where I go, but I will do my best nonetheless. There I am accepted unconditionally; for who I am. I am grateful for that. Wish me luck!
The FEAR is Back...
I guess I'm going to hibernate again. I feel like the world is out to get me again...I'm so afraid.
I'm So Afraid
By Fleetwood Mac
i been alone
all the years
so many ways to count the tears
i never change
i never will
i'm so afraid the way i feel
CHORUS:
days when the rain and the sun are gone
black as night
agony's torn at my heart too long
so afraid
slip and fall and i die
i been alone
always down
no one cared to stay around
i never change
i never will
i'm so afraid the way i feel
(repeat chorus)
I'm So Afraid
By Fleetwood Mac
i been alone
all the years
so many ways to count the tears
i never change
i never will
i'm so afraid the way i feel
CHORUS:
days when the rain and the sun are gone
black as night
agony's torn at my heart too long
so afraid
slip and fall and i die
i been alone
always down
no one cared to stay around
i never change
i never will
i'm so afraid the way i feel
(repeat chorus)
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
End
End
The Cure
The Cure
i think i've reached that point
where giving up and going on
are both the same dead end to me
are both the same old song
i think i've reached that point
where every wish has come true
and tired disguised oblivion
is everything i do
please stop loving me
please stop loving me
i am none of these things
i think i've reached that point
where all the things you have to say
and hopes for something more from me
are just games to pass the time away
please stop loving me
please stop loving me
i am none of these things
i think i've reached that point
where every word that you write
of every blood dark sea
and every soul black night
and every dream you dream me in
and every perfect free from sin
and burning eyes
and hearts on fire
are just the same old song
please stop loving me
please stop loving me
i am none of these things
i am none of these things
i am none of these things
Darkness
Darkness
By The Police (From Ghost In The Machine -1981)
I can dream up schemes when I'm sitting in my seat
I don't see any flaws 'til I get to my feet
I wish I never woke up this morning
Life was easy when it was boring
I could make a mark if it weren't so dark
I could be replaced by any bright spark
But darkness makes me fumble
For a key, to a door that's wide open
Instead of worrying about my clothes
I could be someone that nobody knows
I wish I never woke up this morning
Life was easy when it was boring
I can dream up schemes when I'm sitting in my seat
I don't see any flaws 'til I get to my feet
I wish I never woke up this morning
Life was easy when it was boring
I wish I never woke up this morning
Life was easy when it was boring
Just wake me when today is over, OK?
By The Police (From Ghost In The Machine -1981)
I can dream up schemes when I'm sitting in my seat
I don't see any flaws 'til I get to my feet
I wish I never woke up this morning
Life was easy when it was boring
I could make a mark if it weren't so dark
I could be replaced by any bright spark
But darkness makes me fumble
For a key, to a door that's wide open
Instead of worrying about my clothes
I could be someone that nobody knows
I wish I never woke up this morning
Life was easy when it was boring
I can dream up schemes when I'm sitting in my seat
I don't see any flaws 'til I get to my feet
I wish I never woke up this morning
Life was easy when it was boring
I wish I never woke up this morning
Life was easy when it was boring
Just wake me when today is over, OK?
A Second Look At My Chart
Upon further analysis of my chart, it seems that there is a direct correlation between my excessive amounts of sleep and my moods. It appears that the more I sleep, the worse I feel. I was sleeping around 6-7 hours maximum, previously. Lately, I've been leaning towards the 10+ hours range. It does make sense - inactivity breeds depression. Now I just have to make myself get up much earlier. I've got my work cut out for me!
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Good Enough
The Best We Can Be
We all within our lives strive to do, be, or have the best that we can. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We as human beings are meant to grow - not stagnate. There is something to be said about achieving goals, as it helps us to learn and to grow as we go on through life. I have but one question: when is something good enough?
How Far?
Now I'm not trying to put a negative slant on things, but how far does this go? Sometimes we drive it to the point of near overkill. Fear not, I'm not going to go on a rant about corporate America today. This is not the time for it. What I would like to focus on is something related, yet in a more personal vein. It's about the reasons why we do what we do.
Reason To Be
Generally, most of us strive to be almost perfect. We try to make things exactly as they "should" be. We hope that it pleases everyone and works with everything. Naturally, this simply is not possible. Once again, this is truly not my point. Just what do we derive from being perfect? Is it a sense of accomplishment, or a feeling of being accepted by your peers or family? Could it be that we feel we're not good enough if we aren't perfect? Where does this all come from? Could it be that we are doing this to please others and not ourselves? Let's find out!
Roots
For me, it goes back to childhood. One of the reasons that I always felt the need to be perfect is because I was constantly told by my peers that I couldn't do something. That really hurt me, so I pretty much put my personal beliefs of what was "good enough" aside (if I ever had them in the first place) and focused on pleasing others.
Looking Back
I remember being admonished several times by family members, "do you want people to think of you a certain way, or would you rather have them think of you in a better way?" I believe that this is where it really hit home with me. It was forever etched upon my mind. As a result, I strived to be the best at everything. I remember that I was the second-fastest sprinter in my entire elementary school. I tried like hell to beat the other guy. It was frustrating. and my coach was pretty rough on me as well. I was also one of the best servers on a co-ed volleyball team. My team won both tournaments in 5th and 6th grades. I consider this an accomplishment. I also excelled at spelling bees. I have photo albums full of awards and memorabilia to attest this. Unfortunately, this perpetuated the cycle even more and blinded me as to what I was really feeling. Was I really doing this all for myself, or was I doing it to please my family, teachers, and peeers? I never really thought about it until very recently.
True Feelings
A few months ago, it really hit me as to why I was doing many things. For nearly 6 months, I was producing a radio show two days a week for a station in Belgium and it seemed to be going well. I was told that it was getting better all the time. However, to me it did not seem the case. I pretty much vanished from the air and didn't give them notice. I had developed so much dissatisfaction with myself that I started to feel like I was obligated to make the programs. I wasn't enjoying them, and I think that it showed in my presentation.
Here We Go Again...
There was a sound of dreadfulness in my voice. "Well, here we go with another week of shows that I'm only doing to please someone else..." Of course I didn't say that, but people who know me could hear it in my voice. It was then that I accepted the fact that I was doing this to please others and not myself. I made the decision to stop, albeit not in the proper manner, for I couldn't bear to tell the station owner/manager what my true feelings were. I have issues with hurting people. I try to avoid it all costs, yet I end up doing it indirectly (or directly) somehow. It hurt me to admit to others that I wasn't deriving satisfaction from making the programs. At first I said that I didn't like doing it. This was not the truth; I was just trying to get in touch with my feelings, and i was swinging from one extreme to the other. I realized that I was just not happy with the outcome, and that no one seemed to be listening, so I thought to myself "no one cares, so why should I even bother?"
Excuses, Excuses
Selfishly, I made the decision just to stop. At first it was that I used the reason that my aunt had a stroke (the "family tragedy") as an excuse, but weeks went by, then a few months. The station owner contacted me via email to see if everything was OK. I took a few weeks to answer back. I felt ashamed for what I had done. I had been doing the show for nearly 6 months, and abruptly stopped. I will admit that what I did was extremely selfish, and I owe him a tremendous apology. I know of only one way to make it up to him - and that would be to return to the airwaves. Unfortunately at this time, I don't feel that I have the capacity or drive to do so. I'm sure that it will return and when it does, I'll gladly jump on the wagon once again! I do listen to the station quite often online and I hear a station sweeper (station identification) that I made for him. I think that it's in hopes that I will soon return. Others have asked as well. I wish not to disappoint them. But I do have to ask myself if I truly wish to. Only time will tell.
Bam!
This event caused me to think about alot of things - am I doing them for my own pleasure, or am I seeking approval and acceptance from others? My previous therapy session focused primarly on that issue. It seemed that a vast majority of things that I was doing was to please others. In fact, if you want take a cross-section of my life, there is a lot of performance-oriented criteria. It involved a sense of "if I was good enough or not." I always put my self-esteem and beliefs on the chopping block, and bled profusely when I found out I wasn't good enough. I would subject myself time and again to the same situation. And, if the situation wasn't of that nature, I found a way to twist, distort, and conform it to be that way. Pretty soon, everything in my life was of a "performance-oriented" nature. Naturally, I wasn't good enough. I soon resigned to the fact that I was a loser and that there was no hope for me.
When Is It Good Enough?
Let's ask ourselves that question - when is it good enough? The answer simply enough is this: when it's good enough for ourselves. Too many people spend way too much time trying to please others and not themselves. They keep acheiving these goals because they feel it's the thing that they "should" do. They feel that if they don't do these things (i.e. go to college, get married, have a family, aspire to being a millionaire, or at least a significant amout of money) that they aren't anything. Outside influences have such an impact on us, whether it be from our family and friends, advertising and the media, or society itself. In addition, because we strive for this perfection, we might miss out on the fact that we are indeed in a moment that we can enjoy and treasure, only to keep reaching for that upper echelon. As a result, we go through life unsatisfied and unhappy. Go on, ask any millionaire (or any overachiever) if he/she is truly happy. The answer may surprise you.
A Quick Note
It's a shame that the ones who truly feel that they indeed are good enough, are shunned and cast away because they don't meet certain criteria in life - almost to the point of persecution. Let's face it, the puritannical ways are still very much intact in this country. Although we don't drown or hang people based on their beliefs, the viewpoint is very much alive and well. It's funny how things change, yet stay the same. I'm saving this one for later though. I'll relish in that rant!
The Bottom Line
Please, stop doing things just to please others and putting your feelings or desire for enjoyment on the "back burner!" Of course, don't stop doing things for others as a nice gesture, necessity, or because you care about them. But please remember that your feelings are indeed important, nonetheless. If you're not happy, then life appears to be pretty miserable to live. You can also do stuff like volunteer work, which benefits both sides of the equation - you're helping someone else and in turn, you get a sense of satisfaction and/or pride from it. In summation, my friends, you are GOOD ENOUGH and (gulp) I AM TOO!
...And that's food for thought. Munch on that for a while.
We all within our lives strive to do, be, or have the best that we can. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We as human beings are meant to grow - not stagnate. There is something to be said about achieving goals, as it helps us to learn and to grow as we go on through life. I have but one question: when is something good enough?
How Far?
Now I'm not trying to put a negative slant on things, but how far does this go? Sometimes we drive it to the point of near overkill. Fear not, I'm not going to go on a rant about corporate America today. This is not the time for it. What I would like to focus on is something related, yet in a more personal vein. It's about the reasons why we do what we do.
Reason To Be
Generally, most of us strive to be almost perfect. We try to make things exactly as they "should" be. We hope that it pleases everyone and works with everything. Naturally, this simply is not possible. Once again, this is truly not my point. Just what do we derive from being perfect? Is it a sense of accomplishment, or a feeling of being accepted by your peers or family? Could it be that we feel we're not good enough if we aren't perfect? Where does this all come from? Could it be that we are doing this to please others and not ourselves? Let's find out!
Roots
For me, it goes back to childhood. One of the reasons that I always felt the need to be perfect is because I was constantly told by my peers that I couldn't do something. That really hurt me, so I pretty much put my personal beliefs of what was "good enough" aside (if I ever had them in the first place) and focused on pleasing others.
Looking Back
I remember being admonished several times by family members, "do you want people to think of you a certain way, or would you rather have them think of you in a better way?" I believe that this is where it really hit home with me. It was forever etched upon my mind. As a result, I strived to be the best at everything. I remember that I was the second-fastest sprinter in my entire elementary school. I tried like hell to beat the other guy. It was frustrating. and my coach was pretty rough on me as well. I was also one of the best servers on a co-ed volleyball team. My team won both tournaments in 5th and 6th grades. I consider this an accomplishment. I also excelled at spelling bees. I have photo albums full of awards and memorabilia to attest this. Unfortunately, this perpetuated the cycle even more and blinded me as to what I was really feeling. Was I really doing this all for myself, or was I doing it to please my family, teachers, and peeers? I never really thought about it until very recently.
True Feelings
A few months ago, it really hit me as to why I was doing many things. For nearly 6 months, I was producing a radio show two days a week for a station in Belgium and it seemed to be going well. I was told that it was getting better all the time. However, to me it did not seem the case. I pretty much vanished from the air and didn't give them notice. I had developed so much dissatisfaction with myself that I started to feel like I was obligated to make the programs. I wasn't enjoying them, and I think that it showed in my presentation.
Here We Go Again...
There was a sound of dreadfulness in my voice. "Well, here we go with another week of shows that I'm only doing to please someone else..." Of course I didn't say that, but people who know me could hear it in my voice. It was then that I accepted the fact that I was doing this to please others and not myself. I made the decision to stop, albeit not in the proper manner, for I couldn't bear to tell the station owner/manager what my true feelings were. I have issues with hurting people. I try to avoid it all costs, yet I end up doing it indirectly (or directly) somehow. It hurt me to admit to others that I wasn't deriving satisfaction from making the programs. At first I said that I didn't like doing it. This was not the truth; I was just trying to get in touch with my feelings, and i was swinging from one extreme to the other. I realized that I was just not happy with the outcome, and that no one seemed to be listening, so I thought to myself "no one cares, so why should I even bother?"
Excuses, Excuses
Selfishly, I made the decision just to stop. At first it was that I used the reason that my aunt had a stroke (the "family tragedy") as an excuse, but weeks went by, then a few months. The station owner contacted me via email to see if everything was OK. I took a few weeks to answer back. I felt ashamed for what I had done. I had been doing the show for nearly 6 months, and abruptly stopped. I will admit that what I did was extremely selfish, and I owe him a tremendous apology. I know of only one way to make it up to him - and that would be to return to the airwaves. Unfortunately at this time, I don't feel that I have the capacity or drive to do so. I'm sure that it will return and when it does, I'll gladly jump on the wagon once again! I do listen to the station quite often online and I hear a station sweeper (station identification) that I made for him. I think that it's in hopes that I will soon return. Others have asked as well. I wish not to disappoint them. But I do have to ask myself if I truly wish to. Only time will tell.
Bam!
This event caused me to think about alot of things - am I doing them for my own pleasure, or am I seeking approval and acceptance from others? My previous therapy session focused primarly on that issue. It seemed that a vast majority of things that I was doing was to please others. In fact, if you want take a cross-section of my life, there is a lot of performance-oriented criteria. It involved a sense of "if I was good enough or not." I always put my self-esteem and beliefs on the chopping block, and bled profusely when I found out I wasn't good enough. I would subject myself time and again to the same situation. And, if the situation wasn't of that nature, I found a way to twist, distort, and conform it to be that way. Pretty soon, everything in my life was of a "performance-oriented" nature. Naturally, I wasn't good enough. I soon resigned to the fact that I was a loser and that there was no hope for me.
When Is It Good Enough?
Let's ask ourselves that question - when is it good enough? The answer simply enough is this: when it's good enough for ourselves. Too many people spend way too much time trying to please others and not themselves. They keep acheiving these goals because they feel it's the thing that they "should" do. They feel that if they don't do these things (i.e. go to college, get married, have a family, aspire to being a millionaire, or at least a significant amout of money) that they aren't anything. Outside influences have such an impact on us, whether it be from our family and friends, advertising and the media, or society itself. In addition, because we strive for this perfection, we might miss out on the fact that we are indeed in a moment that we can enjoy and treasure, only to keep reaching for that upper echelon. As a result, we go through life unsatisfied and unhappy. Go on, ask any millionaire (or any overachiever) if he/she is truly happy. The answer may surprise you.
A Quick Note
It's a shame that the ones who truly feel that they indeed are good enough, are shunned and cast away because they don't meet certain criteria in life - almost to the point of persecution. Let's face it, the puritannical ways are still very much intact in this country. Although we don't drown or hang people based on their beliefs, the viewpoint is very much alive and well. It's funny how things change, yet stay the same. I'm saving this one for later though. I'll relish in that rant!
The Bottom Line
Please, stop doing things just to please others and putting your feelings or desire for enjoyment on the "back burner!" Of course, don't stop doing things for others as a nice gesture, necessity, or because you care about them. But please remember that your feelings are indeed important, nonetheless. If you're not happy, then life appears to be pretty miserable to live. You can also do stuff like volunteer work, which benefits both sides of the equation - you're helping someone else and in turn, you get a sense of satisfaction and/or pride from it. In summation, my friends, you are GOOD ENOUGH and (gulp) I AM TOO!
...And that's food for thought. Munch on that for a while.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
Blank...
Blank - by Failure
From the album "Fantastic Planet"
no conviction in your numb mind
a hidden cell of chemicals
keep your soul on my projection
never turn on the camera
because
i kinda like the blank way
i fill up my life
i don't care for nothing
that gets me too high
i want some dampend spirits
and black and bitter spoons
i'm not looking for affection
i'm living on the moon
no convicion in your voice box
it's buried low beneath the guilt
it all seems real as you whisper
she lies warm and the smell is you
but she knows
i kinda like the blank way
you fill up my mind
i don't care for nothing
that gets me too high
i want some dampened spirits
and black and bitter spoons
i'm not looking for reflection
i'm living on the moon
here i am
right at home
in my crater
here i am
feeling old
here i am
wishing for
a miracle
i need you to know
that i like the blank way
i fill up the sky
and i care for nothing
you put in my mind
i like the blank way
you fill up my mind
i like the blank way
you fill up my mind
i like the blank way
you fill up my mind
Read: That's my sentiments also.
From the album "Fantastic Planet"
no conviction in your numb mind
a hidden cell of chemicals
keep your soul on my projection
never turn on the camera
because
i kinda like the blank way
i fill up my life
i don't care for nothing
that gets me too high
i want some dampend spirits
and black and bitter spoons
i'm not looking for affection
i'm living on the moon
no convicion in your voice box
it's buried low beneath the guilt
it all seems real as you whisper
she lies warm and the smell is you
but she knows
i kinda like the blank way
you fill up my mind
i don't care for nothing
that gets me too high
i want some dampened spirits
and black and bitter spoons
i'm not looking for reflection
i'm living on the moon
here i am
right at home
in my crater
here i am
feeling old
here i am
wishing for
a miracle
i need you to know
that i like the blank way
i fill up the sky
and i care for nothing
you put in my mind
i like the blank way
you fill up my mind
i like the blank way
you fill up my mind
i like the blank way
you fill up my mind
Read: That's my sentiments also.
Feeling Distant...
I'm feeling rather distant today, so I'd really rather not post. Perhaps it's the onset of a mixed episode. I call it my Dark Time. I am most liable to make trouble during this time, and irritate loved ones.
Quicksilver Messenger Service - What About Me?
(Released December of 1970)
You poisoned my sweet water.
You cut down my green trees.
The food you fed my children
Was the cause of their disease.
My world is slowly fallin' down
And the airs not good to breathe.
And those of us who care enough,
We have to do something.......
Chorus:
Oh.......oh
What you gonna do about me?
Oh.......oh
What you gonna do about me?
Your newspapers, They just put you on.
They never tell you The whole story.
They just put your Young ideas down.
I was wonderin'
could this be the end Of your pride and glory?
(Chorus)
I work in your factory.
I study in your schools.
I fill your penitentiaries.
And your military too!
And I feel the future trembling,
As the word is passed around.
"If you stand up for what you do believe,
Be prepared to be shot down."
(Chorus)
And I feel like a stranger
In the land where I was born
And I live like an outlaw.
An' I'm always on the run..........................
An Im always getting busted
And I got to take a stand........
I believe the revolution
Must be mighty close at hand.......................
(Chorus)
I smoke marijuana
But I cant get behind your wars.
And most of what I do believe
Is against most of your laws
I'm a fugitive from injustice
But I'm goin' to be free.
Cause your rules and regulations
They dont do the thing for me
(Chorus)
And I feel like a stranger In the land where I was born
And I live just like an outlaw.
An' I'm always on the run..........
And though you may be stronger now,
My time will come around,
You keep adding to my numbers,
As you shoot my people down....
(Chorus)
More rants on my views of American society past and present coming up...stay tuned!
Quicksilver Messenger Service - What About Me?
(Released December of 1970)
You poisoned my sweet water.
You cut down my green trees.
The food you fed my children
Was the cause of their disease.
My world is slowly fallin' down
And the airs not good to breathe.
And those of us who care enough,
We have to do something.......
Chorus:
Oh.......oh
What you gonna do about me?
Oh.......oh
What you gonna do about me?
Your newspapers, They just put you on.
They never tell you The whole story.
They just put your Young ideas down.
I was wonderin'
could this be the end Of your pride and glory?
(Chorus)
I work in your factory.
I study in your schools.
I fill your penitentiaries.
And your military too!
And I feel the future trembling,
As the word is passed around.
"If you stand up for what you do believe,
Be prepared to be shot down."
(Chorus)
And I feel like a stranger
In the land where I was born
And I live like an outlaw.
An' I'm always on the run..........................
An Im always getting busted
And I got to take a stand........
I believe the revolution
Must be mighty close at hand.......................
(Chorus)
I smoke marijuana
But I cant get behind your wars.
And most of what I do believe
Is against most of your laws
I'm a fugitive from injustice
But I'm goin' to be free.
Cause your rules and regulations
They dont do the thing for me
(Chorus)
And I feel like a stranger In the land where I was born
And I live just like an outlaw.
An' I'm always on the run..........
And though you may be stronger now,
My time will come around,
You keep adding to my numbers,
As you shoot my people down....
(Chorus)
More rants on my views of American society past and present coming up...stay tuned!
Miscellaneous Pics and Cool Stuff!
BASF Chromdioxid Maxima II ca 1985 - This was THE tape to have at one time - only trouble was, it was VERY hard to find. However, my dad found one succesfully for me. It was in my Easter basket of all things! I still think to this day that BASF (now Emtec) made the best Type II cassettes. This one was recorded on hundreds of times and still sounds great to this day! Plus it looks cool, doesn't it?
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Ever see one of these? This was TDK's top-of-the-line cassette in the '80's - the MA-R C-90. MA stood for Metal Alloy (tape formula) and the R was for Reference. This was the only one I bought, because they were about $9.00 a piece! Now they go on ebay for about $30 a piece! Even almost 20 years later, this tape sounds great! By the way, the tape's frame is made of aluminum alloy - now that's what I call a METAL tape. Of course, it was made for Position IV (Metal) recorders. Try using it in a normal deck, and you could kiss your heads goodbye! The only time I ever saw one of these in a movie was at the end of The Terminator - Sarah Conner (Linda Hamilton) is recording a tape for her future son, and they show a close-up of the tape running. Why do I remember this stuff?
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