Disarray...

Dis·ar·ray (ds-r) n. A state of disorder; confusion.*
Yep. One word says it all. My life is in total disarray. I have lost the ability to rise early in the morning, and to go to bed at a "respectable hour." I am truly zombified - numb to the world. It takes me several hours just to "wake up." It also takes me a while to realize what I am feeling, or what the day's initial emotion or reaction will be. It seems the first one to hit me is guilt, or a feeling of sorrow, because I was unable to wake up and "pound the pavement."

Back to Square One
It's no secret that I need to find work again. My rent is past due and I only have enough money in the bank to last a few weeks. I've never gotten myself in a situation like this. I feel so helpless, but I am aware of it at least, and I won't make a decision that I will regret, or hurt others for that matter. I know that there are ways that I can get help for the time being (such as the township trustee or a church.) I am not ashamed to admit that I need a helping hand. I won't, however ask friends and family for money. I couldn't bring myself to do that. I know that my dad would help me the best that he could, but he has his own problems. I couldn't ever impose upon him like that. He's helped me out of alot of jams before, so just this once I need to find a way to do it myself. Step one is to get out there and do it!

Issues
I think that part of the problem is that I have some compulsive issues, one of them being the Internet itself. I'll get on a kick for something, and just keep researching the hell out of it for hours and hours. I'll realize what time it is and say to myself "well, maybe just a few more minutes, then I'll go to bed..." For instance: last night, I was looking for online streams that play meditative music. This turned out to be like a 3-hour "project." I was on my way to bed around 1:30 am or so, and then decided to go back to the pc and try to find some streams to listen to. I became obssessed and started hunting down streams like crazy. Yes, I did find many, and bookmarked them in my player, but by the time I was done, it was around 3:30-4:00 am.

Rise and Shine
I really hadn't planned to stay up that late. As a result, when my alarm when off at 9:30 am, I felt lethargic and could barely move; just enough to hit the snooze bar. I think I slept through the alarm the second time that it went off. I barely remember hitting the off switch. When I finally came to, it was approximately 1:30 pm; it was then that I knew I had to get up and function in the world. I awoke with that guilty feeling. I knew that I had bills to be paid, but also realized that my money was running out. This was my initial "emotion for the day." I turned on my phone and went to the bathroom. Then I went straight to the pc, just to see what was going on. I checked my e-mail and then decided to write in my blog.

Things to Do Today
I called my buddy back as he left a voicemail for me. He wants me to come over so we can tweak my guitar again. I'm fine with that, so I'm trying to put on a happy face and that everything is ok, even when it's not. He knows though when I'm not doing good. I just don't want to make it so obvious. As he says, "it's not always about you, Danny." I agree, man. I am doing my best not to have my head stuck up my ass. It's a work in progress.


Natural High

Yesterday, I was cutting the grass, and a feeling of euphoria overcame me. I became giddy and laughed alot. I couldnt' figure it out. I thought that maybe the grass itself was getting me high, or the exhaust fumes from the mower were doing it. I couldn't put my finger on it, but the feeling lasted several hours afterwards. The inevitable downward spiral came eventually though, as I knew it would. It was back to reality and how I dealt with it. I told my buddy this, and he suggested that maybe it was due to the fact that I was getting some exercise. I pondered the possibility, and perhaps he is right. Maybe it was an endorphin rush or something. I don't exercise regularly, and I'm depressed more often than not, so it's very hard to tell when I have a natural high, or it's due to something else. All I know is, I like that feeling and I want it back. I don't care how I got it, I just want to feel that way more often than not. I hate being miserable 85% of the time. Maybe the increase in meds (Lamictal) will start to help. I can only hope.

Little Neutrino

By Klaatu

Across your open mind
I trace erratic lines
In motion and in time

I fought a battle won
To the surface of the sun
Through fires on and on

It's only you
It can't be me
For I myself refuse to be
I am someone you'll never know
I am the little neutrino

Solus is not far away
It's face is brighter than a day
So don't turn me away

It's only you
It can't be me
For I myself refuse to be
I am someone you'll never know
I am the little neutrino

And now I'm passing through
The one who's known as you
And yet you'll never know I do



"Good-night"