Catching Up...

Reconsidering...
After reading the comments from Tabor and Radin, I have come to the conclusion that I have been a bit extreme as far as my thoughts and decision-making are concerned. I tend to do that, due to my borderline tendencies. When I get frustrated, I want to just cut out everything completely, regardless of the circumstances. I may lose contact with people, or be missing out on some valuable and sometimes interesting stuff. It is indeed foolish to just make drastic changes in our lives. They may just come back to bite us on the ass.

Reasons...
I get to this point when things just seem to be going completely wrong for me. The answer for me is to escape whatever situation may arise. I may blow up in a fit of rage, and then decide that I don't want to do that particular activity (such as a job,) or talk to a certain person. I decide at that moment that it's the "thing to do," and I stay in that mode for a few days, a month, or even longer. I guess that I'm getting over that feeling now, but I still feel it to some degree.

Impossible...
I remember not touching my pc for about 2 months because I was having sour times with a long distance relationship. To me, it felt better not to even be near the computer, as it seemed to bring me down. Chat rooms and chat buddies can do that sort of thing to you, so be careful, and NEVER (and I stress this,) ever get in a long-distance relationship that has seemingly impossible odds to ever happen. Don't spend years pretending and fantasizing that it could ever happen. It will save you alot of heartache.

Fed Up...
It's this simple: I don't have the funds to resurrect my antique (8 years old,) PC from the dead, nor do I intend to. It's just too frustrating to go through it all again. I think that the hard drive crashed in the boot sector. This has happened about 3 times in the past two years. I get tired of having to spend money on a new hard drive every time one crashes. Of course, it is foolish to keep using the same old 233 mhz motherboard and case, as well as the power supply. I simply overlooked those, and took it for granted that they were still good. Shame on me. However, I still feel that at this time I don't want to sink any more money in the damn thing, and that I really need to find other things to do besides be online too much as it is. As of this moment, I am at my parents' house using their PC, just to get caught up with emails, posting to the blog, and looking at classifieds. Granted, this PC is not very reliable, but it is working, so I can use it just about any time I want to. I don't monopolize it - this is because I usually only come here a few times a month.

Moderation
I totally agree about moderation - this is something that seems to be lacking within my life. It seems most of the time that my life is "turned up to eleven"* or that it is turned off completely. The area "in the middle" doesn't appear to be existent. Nonetheless, I am aware of this fact - which in turn makes it easier to deal with. In the past, I felt that, "this is just the way I am, and that there is nothing I can do about it." This, of course, is not true at all. It seems that as I grow older, I am beginning to learn how to moderate things. Life doesn't always seem to be "in the fast lane." Naturally, I still struggle with depression, and other things. It seems that the perfect life is all about moderation - not too much of this, and not too little of that. When I was younger, this concept was very perplexing to me. The old adage "everything gives you cancer," holds a bit of truth to it. Not in a literal sense, but in a more proverbial context. There is a such thing as "too much of a good thing."

Solutions...
It seems that in this case, moderation is certainly the answer. Friends have offered to help resurrect my dinosaur from the dead, and I have pretty much turned them away. I guess that I'll take them up on their offer, but I'll be much more cautious with it, and avoid countless consecutive hours online. It's truly an addiction of mine, and I need to moderate myself. It is possible to limit myself to a few hours online and to stick to that regimen. More physical activity would be better as well. I mean, we do have a swimming pool in the back yard, and it is nice to lay out on the deck and get some sun. I have done that a few times since we have opened the pool. Once again, the key is moderation - too much sun, and you'll burn to a crisp!

Things To Work On...
I need to work on moderation, my thoughts and emotions, and how I deal with adversity. I need to stop acting on impulse and living by the seat of my pants. I need to realize that life doesn't have to be so extreme, and that there is indeed the ability to balance our lives - maybe not perfectly, but just enough. Cutting ourselves off only hurts the ones who love us, and ultimately ourselves. Life is supposed to be about gradual change - unfortunately, such is not the case. However, we can within our own lives make it so. I truly believe this, and I am striving to attain this goal. Old habits do die hard, but they can be overcome.


Don't Give Up
by Peter Gabriel

in this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail
no fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams
have all deserted
I've changed my face,
I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose

don't give up
'cos you have friends
don't give up
you're not beaten yet
don't give up
I know you can make it good

though I saw it all around
never thought I could be affected
thought that we'd be the last to go
it is so strange the way things turn
drove the night toward my homet
he place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground

don't give up
you still have us
don't give up
we don't need much of anything
don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong

rest your head
you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up

'got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river's flowing
that river's flowing

moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs

don't give up
'cause you have friends
don't give up
you're not the only one
don't give up
no reason to be ashamed
don't give up
you still have us
don't give up now
we're proud of who you are
don't give up
you know it's never been easy
don't give up
'cause I believe there's the a place
there's a place where we belong