Should I Give Up?

I was thinking...
I did have somewhat of a life before I got hooked on computers and the internet. It used to be that my computer was only used for making music and for mp3s. Then I got hooked on the internet - after that, my life changed dramatically. I said that I'd NEVER be one of those people that got addicted to chatrooms, nor that I would ever get romantically involved with anyone from the internet. Boy was I wrong.


Happier?
Truth be told, I think that before the internet, I was happier. I always found something else to do - but I did have times where I didn't do much of anything, though not nearly as much as I do now. I always tell people that too much television will rot your brain. I now think that this is true via the internet. I guess that it has made me a vegetable in some respects.

Well, Not ALL Bad...
I can't say that everything bad in my life is because of the internet - that wouldn't be fair. I have made some good friends, had some good times, and exchanged valuable information, as well as goodies! I won't deny that, but I wonder if it's time to just let it all go and be an occasional user instead of a chronic user. This would mean that the blog would be updated about once a week, rather than every few days.

Addiction...
I'll admit that I was addicted to the pc and internet. I had my usual rituals (Ebay for the most part,) and several forums and discussion boards. I was also an mIRC junkie, and used Yahoo, MSN, and AIM. For me to lose contact in all of these has been really hard for me. I feel like I need a "fix," but no one can give it to me. Maybe it's time to just admit that I have a problem, and to address it.

Turning My Back On Technology...
I guess that this would mean that I'm turning my back on technology if I decide not to even bother with fixing my pc. It's true that alot of my work was pc-based. Before that, I used to record my "songs" on my trusty, yet antiquated TASCAM 4-track recorder. Yes, it was limited, but I found ways to make my recordings sound pretty good. That was BEFORE I found out about all the cool stuff you could do with a digital sound editor. Now I don't know if I could go back to doing things the old way - It's like stripping me of my tools. Without them, I'm useless.

Things That I Have Been Doing...
Well, I've pretty much reverted back to doing things circa 1996. I've been recording LPs on open reel tape, and tweaking and calibrating my deck to the point of near overkill. I spend hours doing this, sometimes till the wee hours of the morning. Since I don't have satellite tv anymore, I don't watch much television. I never really did to begin with, which is why I had to give it back to my roomies' kid, so she can watch her shows. Oh well - It's not the end of the world.

I've also been playing around with my radio transmitters - AM and FM. They are flea-powered, but they give me something else to do. I do use a very old pc for the music to play over them. I do like the convenience of winamp and what it offers. I can deal with that. It's my personal jukebox, so that's not a big deal. In that sense, I would not be totally turning my back on technology. I guess that it's nearly impossible to do!

We also have a swimming pool in the back yard, so that lets me get outside and get some sun. I do feel better after I have been outside for a while. Sometimes I even have fun in the pool with everyone else. I don't swim much, per se, but I do like to relax in the water, letting the sun's rays hit me.

Idle Time...
With all this idle time, it's hard not to get depressed (especially in the evening,) and I have to hide the razor blades (for obvious reasons.) Sometimes I do OK and I don't think about it - other times it's not so easy. Today was one of those days where it was very hard to resist the temptation. I guess listening to Nine Inch Nails doesn't help either. I'm sure that I'll eventually cut myself, and when I do, I'm going straight to the hospital to get help. I just don't want to get to that point.

Why?
I was afraid to tell my therapist today that I've had those thoughts. She asked if I had suicidal thoughts - I told her that I have not, and this is true. I guess that this might be classified in the same category, perhaps? I wonder if Lamictal is making me feel this way, or if I'm just in the low-end of the cycle. I quit tracking my moods a while ago, which was foolish. No sense in beating myself up for that - I just lost track of things.


Trimming The Fat...
To pay for rent and other expenses, I've slowly been selling off musical gear that I don't use anymore. It's not a loss, really. I just have less that I need to take with me when I move. I think that eventually I will have to sell off the entire studio, so I'm preparing myself for that. I think that I'm going to have to hit rock bottom, and start over again. It's really not the end of the world, but it is indeed an inconvenience. I mean, I can always buy more gear later on when I have the money. I can just visit friends when I get a musical spark of creativity. There are things that I will NOT part with though - my guitar and amp, and the bass. If it came down to that, those are the things I refuse to part with.

Should I Let Go?
I have so much stuff from my past that I've seriously been thinking of just selling off. I have an extensive music collection, in various formats, that could probably get me quite a bit on Ebay - vintage stereo equipment that I could auction off as well - a Johnny Lightning die-cast car collection (bought most when I was manic,) and a few other things.

Foolish?
Some might think that this is foolish, and that it goes beyond most of my beliefs. I can see their point, but I think that alot of my problems are rooted in that very past, which involved alot of that stuff. Maybe it's time to throw away that Cure CD - or maybe even all of the damned things. Hell, maybe give them to GoodWill. Maybe I AM wasting my time with obsolete technology, and that I would be happier if I would quit obssessing over silly shit like how vinyl sounds better than CDs. I should just dumb myself down and just be like anyone else who doesn't care about that stuff. There are certainly better things to worry about than quality sound reproduction! Ultimately, it's a waste of time, and not many people care about it. Why should I then? I just have to find other things to do in my life that don't involve perfection, or the impossible task of achieving it. If you think about it, that truly is a waste of time.

The Simple Life...
Maybe it would be better if I just joined a union, got a real job and made good money - so that I can just come home, open a can of beer, sit down, and watch TV all night, only to wake up in the morning so that I can do it all over again. Yeah, it would be nice to make $25/hour just doing stuff like moving the levers in an air-conditioned cab of a crane or a payloader. Then, at the end of the day, get into my $50,000 Dodge truck, decked out with all the goodies and head for home. At least I would probably not be in debt anymore, and I could afford to take real vacations, and to buy new things, not secondhand. Of course, I'd have my guitar and amp, as well as my bass with its amp. I don't think that I'd have a collection of sorts, but I'd have a few nice things. I mean, why have several variants of one thing? It's rather ridiculous, don't you think?

My Thoughts on Collecting...
The older I get, the more that I think this is so. I collected things in the past quite a bit. I was very unhappy, and it was my escape from reality. It's the "wall" that I created to compensate for my unhappiness in the world. Now, I'm not saying that everyone who collects things is an unhappy person, but you do have to wonder. Is a guy such as Steve Howe, of the band Yes, really truly happy? He has nearly 1,000 guitars in his collection, and it's constantly changing. I wonder if he is satisfied - apparently not. I know that it's an insatiable appetite, and it just keeps going. When does it end? I guess for me, it has to end soon, if not now.


Starting Over...
Perhaps if I get rid of all these icons from my past, I will sooner forget those troubled times. As far as thoughts go, maybe ECT will erase them as well. It's definitely an option. Lots of useless knowledge will probably be lost, but it wouldn't be the end of my world. Maybe then, and only then, would I be able to get on with my life and live "normally." Maybe I'll join a church or something, find the woman of my dreams, and have two lovely kids. Maybe I'll end up driving a minivan and living in a nice $250,000 home, and wanting nothing else. Now to stifle those creative urges... Well, at least I could write...