Rewiring Thought Processes...

Overhauling My Mind...
Yep. That's right - I want to "rewire" my entire thought process. I want to undo 25+ years of negative thinking and self-talk. I want to undo 25 years of anger, sadness, despair, and fear. I want to get right in there and rip it all out. Or do I? Perhaps I need to take a different approach.

It Wasn't All Bad...But...
I've said it before and I'll say it again - it wasn't all bad. Indeed, the negative events stick out more than the positive ones - only because that's what I chose to see. This is how I was raised, whether my parents want to believe it or not. I don't blame them for this - maybe they just didn't realize what was really going on. Looking back, it seems that they chose to be reactive, instead of proactive - allowing themselves to be subject to life and its events. As a result, this has shaped their lives accordingly.

Complaining...
I was always told when I was growing up, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Essentially that meant, "don't complain." Yet it seemed that every day was filled with complaints and criticisms from all the adults around me. They felt justified in complaining about work and everything else. "Do you know what they took away/did to us at work today?" was a very common phrase in the household. On the road during a family trip I heard things like, "God Damn It! We'll never get there! Where do these people learn to drive?" Of course, you know what happened - I adopted this philosophy and ran with it. The seed of negativity was planted - My dad got angry at traffic, so I should too then. It seemed simple enough. Little did I know that this would be just the beginning.

Discovery...
Today I was in therapy and brought up the recent debacle on Saturday night. My therapist helped me to understand what my true feelings were at the moment I exploded. I basically came up with the feeling that I wasn't good enough. My evidence was that the room was essentially empty, and nearly non-responsive. Of course, I took this as "I guess I/we suck pretty bad then." Just before I went off, a negative thought from somewhere worked its way into my mind and lodged itself there.

"You Can't Do Anything!"
The first thought that came to mind was physical education class, during my grade school years. The thought of being in the gymnasium on little platforms called "scooters," was the first thing to surface. I remember we were split up into several teams, and we would race down to the other end of the gym. I don't remember how many times we did this, but I remember not doing too well, and catching hell from my teammates for it. One phrase stuck in my head all through these years - "you can't do anything!" That really hurt me deep inside, and it started the ball rolling in the lack of self-confidence or self-esteem department. Perhaps it was something else, but that was the first one that entered my head. It basically triggered the belief, "I guess I can't, so why should I bother to even try?"

Changing The Thought Pattern...
After bringing up that particularly painful memory, my therapist introduced me to a technique - that of which the name escapes me. I believe it has the acronym of EMRN, or something to that extent. She said that she will bring me more information about it next session, so I'll talk about it in a later entry. Basically, it involves focusing on a thought and changing the reactions attached to it. Doing this several times helped me to see things much differently than I did previously. I was able to let go of the pain, frustration, and hurt that I associated with them. I can now honestly look back and say that I don't feel those emotions anymore, because I don't allow myself to succumb to them. Ultimately, this affects my behavior as well. That little "voice" that says that I have to fight for my life doesn't have much to say now. It used to say things like "are you going to just stand there and take that," or "show them that you are going to do something about it!" I now tell myself things like, " I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm not fighting for my life against the schoolyard bully. I can let this all go."

The True Me...
A while ago, I was having a conversation with my dad about my childhood. He told me of a time when I would try to make friends with everyone, and that I was genuinely interested in meeting people. He had to track me down a few times (at the mall especially,) because I would get lost trying to make new friends. I think that stopped somewhere during the first time I moved to a new school.

Picking Up Where I Left Off...
Anyway, the point I'm making is this - I want to become that Danny that loved life and people. He didn't feel sorry for himself, and he had a very positive outlook on life. He didn't let others' opinions influence limit his growth, or allow him to become jaded.. I think that it's time for him to come back into being. He's a great kid, and he can reach out to anyone he meets, without feeling hostility, prejudice, or any other negative emotion. He's larger than life (the tallest kid in kindergarten,) and wants to learn more about others as well as himself. He's a little over-the-top sometimes, but that's okay. That shows that he has boundless energy, and is determined to enjoy his life, no matter what! He refuses to live in fear and shame.

Rebuilding...
What I need to do is to bring him back, and allow him to gradually take over this faulty wiring system - fixing things that need to be fixed, and to throw out the trash that doesn't need to be there anymore. He can take the good things and put them to use. However, he can also look back at those hard times and learn alot from them. He can assess the memories for what lessons they hold, not the emotions that are triggered by them. He can take those negativity tapes in the brain and began to record positivity on them.

Resetting The Odometer...
Begin again? Sure! Why not? Why let previous events in life cause you to become taciturn and jaded? Yes, there are things that happen in life that are painful and we do suffer through them. You don't have to indulge in the behaviors that so many others do - and that includes what your parents did or still do. You have a choice to see things differently. You have the opportunity to see it YOUR way, and no one else's. This is precisely what I am working towards - my own sense of identity and beliefs.

Be Yourself!
Now, I'm not saying that all of our parents' beliefs and such are bad - I'm just saying this: THINK FOR YOURSELF! To become jaded is to limit yourself to being the person that you truly desire to become. Don't let what others think keep you from doing what you want in life. Don't stop to care what they might think of you or how unpopular you may be. Just because they think that something sucks doesn't mean that you need to also. If you choose to see it in a more positive light, do it! To run with the herd is to deny yourself of INDIVIDUALITY! Uniqueness should be celebrated, not exploited!

On a closing note, during the DBSA conference, one of the speakers said something that really hit home:

Labels are for cans, NOT people!