Tuesday, March 29, 2005


Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

In my mind I've always known that my thoughts always go on tangents, especially in a conversation with someone else. There is an intricate system of " invisible wires" or" jumpers" that connects the thoughts together so that they relate in one way or another. It can make things that totally don't relate in a normal situation come together. It's quite fascinating, really.

The same goes for my depression. I can be in an ok mood when I wake up, and one event can spurn a total paradigm shift with me, and others can later attribute to it. It' s the snowball effect - one event starts it all, and each added thereafter (or roll of the snowball) only makes it bigger. Pretty soon that snowball is huge and it's all I see (or feel.) It happens pretty much the same way every time.

Will I Ever Learn?
You would think that I would be able to spot this right away and not subject myself to it. Truth is, I don't, and I just subject myself to it time and time again, like a sado-masochist who longs to feel the pain. Honestly, I don't wish to feel it, but I do it because it is mainly the life that I know (the same reason a habitual offender returns to jail again and again.)

I would love to be able to just turn off the emotions sometimes. It's amazing how they can influence you. For me, certain songs, parts of songs, things said to me in the past, and of course past events can trigger it or aggravate it to some degree. I feel that I have no control over it, that it's just the way I am. It's a very detailed system and maybe one day I will map out an example of how it works. It's part of my Failure Factory that I devised one time before a therapy session.

Good Times

Please, don't get me wrong; as some of my closest friends and family can attest to the fact that I have indeed had some good times; but they just don't seem to surface as much because I'm so focused on the negative aspects a majority of the time. I won't deny that there have been good times, and I relish them for their duration, and after they occurred. I guess we have to allow ourselves to be able to enjoy at least a few things in life, no matter what. That's the stuff that keeps us going and willing to live, to make it past the tough times and what seem to be nearly insurmountable odds.

Reaching Out

I have found over time that it's good to reach out to others when you are feeling "under the weather." It's easy to do when you are always with someone or have a lot of people that you stay in contact with. Once I had several people that I had contact with - over the years that changed. People come and people go, some move away, some die, etc. Life changes in on way or another. Somehow I have managed to keep a tightly knit group of friends and to stay in touch with my family on a semi-regular basis.

It's those dark times when you need to reach out - for the throes of depression seem like an abyss that just keeps pulling you in, even if you are fighting it. The power of it is so unreal. Think of it as fighting an undertow - the more you struggle, the harder it is, and the more energy is taken away from you. Eventually, you will probably be pulled in and...you know the end of the story.

Like the song says, "we all need somebody to lean on."

Climbing out of the abyss...

I'm in between days again...and this piece totally reflects how I feel.


Beautifully moving, isn't it? Always been a favorite of mine.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Saturday, March 26, 2005

A Man I'll Never Be...

Every time I get in a relationship, this is how I feel - This song hits it dead on.

A Man I'll Never Be
by Boston

If I said what’s on my mind
You’d turn and walk away
Disappearing way back in your dreams
It’s so hard to be unkind
So easy just to say
That everything is just the way it seems

You look up at me
And somewhere in your mind you see
A man I’ll never be

If only I could find a way
I’d feel like I’m the man you believe I am
And it gets harder every day for me
To hide behind this dream you see
A man I’ll never be

I can’t get any stronger
I can’t climb any higher
You’ll never know just how hard I’ve tried
Cry a little longer
And hold a little tighter
Emotions can’t be satisfied

You look up at me
And somewhere in your mind you see
A man I’ll never be

If only I could find a way
I’d feel like I’m the man you believe I am
And it gets harder every day for me
To hide behind this dream you see
A man I’ll never be
(I can't keep hiding this feeling)

A Revelation of Sorts

A very good friend of mine told me something that nearly brought me tears. He told me that I have a beautiful mind. I never had anyone tell me that before. I was so taken aback by it. In the midst of everything, I didnt' show much reaction, but as time went on, I began to really feel good about it.

This was during a conversation about relationships, which for me is a very complicated subject. Every time I am in one, I feel that I have to "play up" to the part (as the song suggests.) I always feel that the woman sees something in me that I don't see within myself, and I can't accept that as truth. It's like an automatic reflex kicks in and says "No you're not! What gives you the right to feel good about yourself?"

An Automatic Reflex

Several people have pointed out that with me, a negative aspect is almost guaranteed when I refer to myself. For instance, I could say "well, I'm a good musician, however I don't feel that I'm as good as I need to be." You see what happened? It's totally second-nature. It's amazing how we just pick up on this stuff. Positivity takes more practice because it's a whole new ball game, and just like anything else you have to work at it. Also as in any training situation, it's alot of hard work.

He also said that I do have a tendency to beat myself up. I totally agree. Self-abuse seems to be one of the things I excel at in my life. Of course I'm not proud of it. It just seems to be a way of life with me. Someday I will realize that my perception is all wrong and that it's just a chemical imbalance. For right now, it's very hard to believe or incoporate it sitations when the chips are down. So in the meantime, I immerse myself in these dark and sad thoughts - an emotional marinade, so to speak. And you know what happens when a marinade soaks in - it tends to influence the flavor of what it's in.

All in all, things could be much worse than they are. I could have aboslutely nothing, living on the street, having to walk everywhere, etc. It's easy to take things like that for granted, because they are always there. When they are gone, we really appreciate those "simple things."

The Propaganda Machine

I blame it partly on modern society with it's brainwashing/propaganda advertising (even if what you have now works well, you still need this because it's better than brand X....) The muddled masses of people just give in and become like sheep. Years ago, there was an appliance store that featured a commercial for their "Midnight Madness" sale. It featured people either sleeping or doing something else. They would get zapped by some strange laser beam and instantly become a zombie (typical hands in front of them) and walk to the store. To me they were saying, "hey look what we can do to you - we can make you come at our beck and call. You can't resist. We have all control....) ok you get the idea. Powertripping, in a nutshell.

Me Too!

Anyhow, my point is that we need to take stock in what is within us, not what we own. I can't stand how materialistic the world has become. Sure we all want some nice things, but some people just buy things for all the wrong reasons. "My friend has one, so maybe I should have one too." I tried out that theory once. It's like "The grass is greener on the other side." You get there and it's not what you imagined. Your friend may be totally enamored by what he has - however, you might not feel the same way, if not disappointed. So many people forget about that. I used to make fun of people like that. I would call them "The ME-TOO Club" because they had to have what so-and-so had.


Case in point: Tonight at jam night there was a guy there who showed up to jam. He opened his gig bag and had a nice configuration of effects pedals on the board. I took one look at it and said "Incubus." Strangely enough, they never played any Incubus. But the kid couldn't have been more than 18 or 19. Some of the stuff pre-dates his youth (or mine even!) Anymore, they buy the stuff because it's "cool." They really don't appreciate what it can do. Over time they find this out and part with it. For a moment, the advertisers/manufacturers win. They lured yet another one. OK. That's settled. Before I go off on any more tangents, I'm going to wrap this one up!


Friday, March 25, 2005

Another one...

This song made me cry the very first time I heard it. Shangri-La by Electric Light Orchestra. Jeff Lynne really has a way with words and music.

Sitting here, waiting for,
Someone calling at my door,
Too bad,
I'm getting out of love.

What's the use of changing things,
Wonder what tomorrow brings,
Who knows,
I'm getting out of love.

My Shangri-la has gone away,
Faded like the Beatles on Hey Jude
She seemed to drift out on the rain
That came in somewhere softly from the blue

Clouds roll by and hide the sun,
Raindrops fall on everyone,
So sad,
I'm getting out of love.

CHORUS -- repeat

CHORUS -- repeat

I just listened to it, and now I'm in tears - choking back a sob.... I recommend the early (pre-1979) ELO stuff. Get it if you can.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Gotten Behind

Time Is The Enemy

Well, so much for the daily introspection. It looks to be more sporadic than anything, which is typical of me. I can't stay in a routine. I always find a way to screw it up. I guess it's better this way. As humans, we are supposed to thrive off of structure. I always rebelled against it, and now look at me - regretting ever being that way.

I know that I've just been posting song lyrics lately. It seems to be the only way I can publicly share my feelings (even though maybe a handful of people read my blog.)

Since I started working midnights, I feel that I don't have time to do much of anything. My nights are usually spent parked right here in front of the computer. One can only watch so much television before it rots your brain. Besides, there's really just paid programming on during that time anyway. There never seems to be enough time to do much of anything, and the time that I do get is...you guessed it...online.

Being online is ok, as long as we discipline ourselves and keep tabs on other things in our life (such as family, friends, chores, etc.) I feel that I lead a pathetic existence most of the time, but there are times when I feel special, such as when a good friend tells me how much our friendship means to them, my dad tells me that he loves me, or when I play a gig and someone takes notice and pays me a compliment. Those are the special times to me. They are fleeting and far between. I guess that helps me to treasure them even more. If we didn't have the bad with the good, we couldn't truly appreciate the good times. We need contrast and conflict in our lives. Without it, life would be extremely dull and boring. But, we don't need to go to the extremes of the Jerry Springer show, if you know what I mean.


I am getting a feeling that once again someone new will enter my life. It's like a sixth sense - I know it's there, but I'm still afraid. Who knows what it could lead to - relationship, friendship, or nothing at all. It's been a few months for me - I think that I've grieved the loss long enough so that I can go on. I'll never forget her, but I don't have to live the rest of my life alone because of it.

How does one go about finding the perfect relationship? Well, I think that everyone is different and so of course they have different needs. It seems that I need someone who is almost a motherly type (maybe that's why I usually get involved with older women, but not too old!) Let's face it - I'm not the typical "alpha male stud." I'm quite the opposite - very sensitive moody and unpredictable. Daily life activities either petrify me or bore me. I do tend to hide in my shell (or in my room) alot. I feel like a jerk when I do that though. I also feel guilty inside as well. My therapist says that I need to put the skills that I'm learning to use - by practicing them in the real world, otherwise what's the use of even having them? It's like going to college and not using what you have learned in the real world.

I need someone to just drag me out and say "hey, there's alot of fun things to do - don't spend your life trapped in your own misery and self-loathing; life is too short for that. Come on, let's go!" Let me rephrase that - I DO need someone to do that. I had a really good friend years ago who was like that. He saw that I was down and out and wouldn't leave until I agreed to go with him. We'd go downtown to bars, clubs, concerts, etc. We even went camping alot. I was rarely depressed when being with him. In no time at all, he'd have me laughing my ass off! He was so insane! A very artistic and free-spirited man that he is, he took off down south and I see him maybe once a year. I wish I could contact him somehow. He'll come around again. We need to get caught up on old times, now that we're "old men." Damn.

But seriously, I do need to get out there and start having fun again. It's like I don't know how to anymore. It seems that when I try, things go OK, but there's always one event (something said to me, or something happens) that basically ruins everything, and I just want to run back to my cave. I give up way too easily. I'm very well-versed in running for cover when adverse conditions are imminent. I need to stop running. I need to stop being scared. I need to ask myself "why am I scared?" Breathe deep. Think of a beautiful place and time. Let go of the present situation and come back to it later.

I live for those serene moments, yet I don't treat myself to them very much. I guess I do have a self-loathing complex, or my self-esteem is so low that I don't feel worthy of those ethereal moments - those tiny morsels of mental pleasure. It's like catnip for the mind. I also live for times when I'm walking the beach with someone along the shoreline, hand in hand, so close together. Just the two of us, sharing our most intimate desires and thoughts. The sun is setting and it creates a beautfiul reflection upon the water in an almost flourescent orange hue. The waves crash in a cascading rhythm as we walk slowly down the shore, knowing that we were meant for each other and that we will be together (till the end of time no matter what may come.)

Wow! That sounds like a song or something. Maybe it's worth jotting down in my lyric book. Maybe. Truth is, it all sounds like a fantasy for me and that I live in a dreamland. Over the years I 've been hurt so much that it's hard to open up and do things like that-to bear my soul. I feel that it's too risky and that I would rather not get hurt again. Once again, I want to run to where it's 'safe.'

The Wall
I really don't want to make a musical reference again, but Pink Floyd's The Wall is an album that I totally get immersed in. Aside from the drug references, I AM Pink, but in my own way. I have my own wall that I built to protect myself from any harm. It keeps me safe and sound, but it's very lonely in here. There is no one to talk to or interact with - just my thoughts that torture me day and night Where's the judge when I need him to TEAR DOWN THE WALL? I guess I'm the judge in this case and I have to do it all by myself.

"Crazy, toys in the attic I am crazy;
truly gone fishing.
They must have taking my marbles away!
Crazy, toys in the attic, he is crazy."

One day it will come crumbling down, and that special someone will find a little boy, about 3 years old who is still grieving over the loss of his mother and all of the sudden changes that were brought about within his life. Instead of face them, all that he wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and hide himself from the rest of the world, for he felt ashamed. He felt different because most kids growing up had 2 parents and a happy childhood. He is angry at God and his mother at the same time. He has several question to ask and demands the answers (why did you take her? Why did you leave me without saying goodbye? When are you coming back?) It's amazing how something that happened almost 30 years ago can still have that kind of impact on you.

Eric Clapton - Motherless Children Lyrics
Motherless children have a hard time when mother is dead, lord.
Motherless children have a hard time when mother is dead, lord.
They don't have anywhere to go;
Wandering around from door to door.
Nobody treats you like a mother will when your mother is dead,

Father will do the best he can when your mother is dead, lord.
Father will do the best he can when your mother is dead, lord.
Father will do the best he can;
So many things a father can't understand.
Nobody treats you like a mother will when your mother is dead,

Sister will do the best she can when your mother is dead, lord.
Sister will do the best she can when your mother is dead, lord.
Sister will do the best she can;
So many things a sister can't understand.
Nobody treats you like a mother will when your mother is dead.

When your mother is dead, when your mother is dead.
When your mother is dead, Lord, when your mother is dead.

So true.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Another Tear Jerker...

If you can find this one, give it a listen. It touches me deeply inside.

Another Park, Another Sunday
by The Doobie Brothers.

I'm sittin' in my room, i'm starin' out my window
And i wonder where you've gone
Thinking back on the happy hours just before the dawn
Outside the wind is blowin'
It seems to call your name again
Where have you gone

City streets and lonely highways
I travel down
My car is empty and the radio just seems to bring me down
I'm just tryin' to find me
A pretty smile that i can get into
It's true, i'm lost without you

Another lonely park, another sunday
Why is it life turns out that way
Just when you think you got a good thing
It seems to slip away

It's warm outside, no clouds are in the sky
But i need a place to go and hide
I keep it to myself
I don't want nobody else
To see me cryin' all those tears in my eyes

Another park, another sunday
Why is it life turns out that way
Just when you think you got a good thing
It seems to slip away
Another park, another sunday
It's dark and empty thanks to you
I got to get myself together
But it's hard to do

I swear that Tom Johnston (songwriter and guitarist for The Doobies) is bipolar. Gotta run...

I talk to the wind...

Said the straight man to the late man
Where have you been
I’ve been here and I’ve been there
And I’ve been in between.

I talk to the wind
My words are all carried away
I talk to the wind
The wind does not hear
The wind cannot hear.

I’m on the outside looking inside
What do I see
Much confusion, disillusion
All around me.

You don’t possess me
Don’t impress me
Just upset my mind
Can’t instruct me or conduct me
Just use up my time

I talk to the wind
My words are all carried away
I talk to the wind
The wind does not hear
The wind cannot hear.

I talk to the Wind - King Crimson (1969)

That song says alot for me. It's like "leave me alone. No one hears what I say, so why does it matter?" I think that the music is even more powerful than the lyrics. The moody flute/keyboard parts and the very melancholic vocals, as well as the subltle but important brushes of guitar together make quite a composition. I think that the entire album is a masterpiece.

Music is not only my canvas to paint with, but it is really my life. I loved to make 3 hour mix tapes of music with my trusty reel-to-reel deck for years. If you don't know what I'm talking about, here's what it looked liked: www.phantomprod.com/ vinAd77RT707a.jpg or http://my.reset.jp/~inu/ProductsDataBase/Products/PIONEER/RT-707/RT-707-01.jpg

One day a friend pointed out to me how my musical selections were, in fact, bipolar in nature. The tape would start out pretty happy with mostly upbeat songs. As it neared the center of side one, it would gradually get to a very different and moody place, almost mystical. by the end of side one, things would revert to 'normal.' It seems to me the middle of the tape was where I beared my soul to some degree; there was nothing to hide behind (ie, the happy songs.) The tape that I myself first noticed this on was aptly titled "Mix III"

It was almost systematic, yet I never thought of it in that way! I went through all the tapes and sure enough, my friend was absolutely correct! It's strange how we do things unconsciously or inadvertently and someone else seems to notice what an impact it has on our character.

I guess what you could gather from them was that I appeared to be jolly and outgoing, but deep down inside I was hurting and lonely. I was very unsure of myself and my abilities. I was a 22-year old who had a huge quad-level house all to himself and his dog. No one could really see that I wanted someone in my life. You had to be there to understand.

I look to the past entirely too much - so much that I wish to relive it on occasion. I find myself being drawn to things of my past; the music, the cars, the styles, etc. I would term it eccentric-nostalgic.

This concludes the end of side one....please let the tape run to the sensing foil and side two will automatically begin....in the reverse direction. (click)

Monday, March 14, 2005

Friday, March 11, 2005

On To The Gig

Another Friday, another gig. I woke up from 5 hours sleep feeling pretty uneasy about tonight. I just feel that I'm totally off balance and that tonight is going to be kind of rough. I don't really feel excited like I usually do - it's more of an uneasy (yes, I know I used that word before) feeling that is lodged in my mind.

There seemed to be a kind of magic in the air, but somehow it is mysteriously missing tonight. Maybe the novelty has worn off, or I'm just going through a burnout period (that will pass.) I'm walking the fine line between crying and worrying about what's going to happen.

Sometimes I just get bad vibes and my intuition is usually right. I will take great pains to make sure that all goes well tonight. Maybe I feel it from something totally different. Last time I felt this way, our old singer up and left during a gig on New Year's Day and my aunt suffered a stroke that night as well. What a way to ring in the new year. From then on I decided that 2005 was going to be a rough ride and I just had to hold on any way that I can. So far, my intuition has been correct. We will just see what happens.

In between days...

I am between sleep cycles. I made the mistake of falling alseep this morning at 12am or so and waking up again around 5:30am, only to fall back asleep around 8am and to awaken again around 12pm. This really plays havoc with my sleep schedule. Now that I'm not really tired, I have to make myself go back to sleep again. What a fun life. For those that are wondering, I work straight midnights and try to keep on the schedule no matter what. It usually works, even though I'm bored out of my mind! And to top off the frustration, I can't view the comments on my postings: It says that the blog does not exist?!!?! I dunno. I look forward to reading others' comments on my blog. Damn. Back to sleep I guess.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Wow! I wrote something!

Actually I do like to write, but lately I haven't been feeling up to it, and I've been having alot of fun with the AudioBlogger. Sometimes I'd rather say what's on my mind than to write it out- It's more spontaneous.

I guess today I have a bit of a dark cloud over me and I have this song in my head. I always assumed the role of the character in the song.

Moon Over Bourbon Street - by Sting

There’s a moon over bourbon street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I’ve no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all
I pray everyday to be strong
For I know what I do must be wrong
Oh you’ll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there’s a moon over bourbon street

It was many years ago that I became what I am
I was trapped in this life like an innocent lamb
Now I can only show my face at noon
And you’ll only see me walking by the light of the moon
The brim of my hat hides the eye of a beast
I’ve the face of a sinner but the hands of a priest
Oh you’ll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there’s a moon over bourbon street

She walks everyday through the streets of new orleans
She’s innocent and young from a family of means
I have stood many times outside her window at night
To struggle with my instinct in the pale moon light
How could I be this way when I pray to God above
I must love what I destroy and destroy the thing I love
Oh you’ll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there’s a moon over bourbon street.

I guess you have to listen to the song to get the full effect. It's very dark and mysterious - somewhat depressing. I tend to dwell on that music. The sadness comforts me. It's really the only life that I know. I don't really know what it's like to experience true happiness or joy. Everything is so complacent to me. When I think that I've found happiness, it ends up being the opposite, or I sabotage it myself. I guess I like being miserable.

No. I don't. I just don't know any other way. Maybe I need to share my life with someone else. That's a big step for me - it always has been. For me it's another set of problems and conflicts that I just don't want to deal with. In the end I become a monster - moody, unpredictable and somewhat violent (although I'd never raise a hand to the person, I'd rather destroy something of my own.) Welcome to my bipolar world.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Tuesday, March 01, 2005