Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Warning: DON'T USE ZONEALARM!

GRRRRR!
I've just spent the better part of an afternoon re-installing windows on my pc, thanks to this program. I had to disable it at first when I got my DSL connection. So, I figured why even have it installed if I don't use it? That's when the trouble started...

Let's Try Something Else...
"No problem," I say to myself, "let's just try something else." I found another firewall to try called Kerios. It seemed to be a good program, so I gave it a shot. I installed it, rebooted as I was instructed to do, and once again, I had problems! This program gave me several GUI errors - not only that, it wouldn't allow me to get online, to access the task manager, or anything! I felt that I had made a grave mistake. This is when I called my ISP...

What A Mess!
I tried everything that I could think of, aside from cleaning out the registry. I called my ISP for assistance, and they couldn't figure it out either. I was told that the registry needed to be fixed. I took this upon myself, as I have done this in the past without any hassle. I rebooted my machine, and it STILL wouldn't let me on the net! Hmm...maybe I can restore from a previous point - nope that didn't work either. Let's repair the installation. Maybe it will restore some corrupt registry entries, etc. Nope - no such luck. I called a friend and he decided that a clean install would be best. Reluctantly, I followed his advice, re-installing XP. The good news is that I'm back online - the bad news is, I lost ALL of my bookmarks! I forgot to back them up in Firefox. Ironic, because I usually back them up.

Loss...I Hate It!
All those bookmarks...gone. It was so convenient. Now I can't remember what half the stuff was. I'll be mulling over this all day long, and it won't be easy to accept. I guess that I have no choice in the matter, as I can't go back and change it. It still doesn't make it any easier. Half of me wants to cry, and the other half wants to scream out in rage. WHY? WHY WHYYYYY!

Could Be Worse...
Yeah, I guess that it could be worse - my pc could have had a total system crash, and I'd be left with nothing. I just have to re-install programs at best. The bookmarks being lost is what really got to me. I had several great things bookmarked, especially my favorite blogs. Oh well, guess I'll just have to find them again. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

What Now?
Well, I think that I'm just going to sit here and sulk for a while, just like a little kid. Eventually I will get over the loss, and life will go on. But for now, I sit here, mourning the loss of my precious bookmarks as if they were sacred documents. Yesterday will live on...

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Backing Out...

I decided to back out of a gig tonight, due to problems the first time we played together. Also, to be honest, I feel that I need more "tools" to work with - more "chops." It's true that I'm still learning all the time, but I compare myself to others constantly. I don't need to be the best in the world, but I do want to be able to hold my own. I know that not every night is going to be stellar, but it's still not easy.


Perhaps I'm being too harsh...sigh

Broken Glasses, Bloody Noses, etc...

CRASH!!!!
Oh no! Not again! I cringe when I hear that sound! Yep, I broke another drinking glass by simply knocking it over! The first one was in the sink; the second one on the counter; and the third was on the computer desk. The fortunate part is that they were all empty. Instead of four glasses to use, I am now down to just one. I guess that I'll have to make that trek to K-Mart after all. It really frustrates me just how clumsy I can be. I guess that if I wasn't in such a hurry I wouldn't be breaking things accidentally. I notice that when I start cleaning, I start to rush through it all, and this is when delicate things get broken. What is really disappointing is that those glasses were a housewarming gift from my sister, so there is sentimental value attached to them. And only one remains...sigh

It's Blood!
Last night, I made myself a simple dinner of hamburgers, buffalo fries, and some cottage cheese with applesauce on the side. I have a penchant for spicy food, so naturally I "kicked it up a notch" (sorry, Emeril!) I added some jalapeno ketchup and some mild pepper rings to the burgers. This gave them a nice little zing - not too hot, but warm enough to leave a little tingling in your mouth. As usual, I love that endorphin rush feeling that you get from hot and spicy foods. There is no feeling quite like it! Sometimes my nose runs a little bit - as a result of the sinus cavities clearing out. I felt that familiar feeling again, and wiped my nose quickly. I was shocked when I looked down:

OH MY GOD! I'M BLEEDING!

I didn't panic, but I did notice quite a bit of blood was on my napkin. I did the usual cold compress and held my head back for about 10 minutes. After that, I felt fine. I began to wonder - is it because of the spicy food that my nose bled, or is this just coincidence? And before you ask, no I don't do cocaine! Some folks think that I do because of my over-the-top antics and stage presence, but I assure you I don't touch the stuff.

Anyway...
I'm about to make dinner, and maybe start on cleaning house. I didn't do it this weekend because of the holiday. It's not filthy, but my routine is disrupted for the time being, and that does bother me a bit. I'm notorious for falling off the wagon and not getting back on. Maybe this time I can avoid that. I think that I'll stay home tonight rather than go out. Perhaps.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

The Christmas Wrap...Up...

Wikki-Wikki! Word to your muffler...

It goes-a-one-two-three...

Just Kidding!
Yes, I could readily point out that I was using the word wrap in an improper context, but that would be just a little too self-effacing for me. I am in a jovial mood tonight though. As usual, I put off the Christmas shopping until the last minute, but was able to pull off the miracle, and spend under $200!

My Trademark: Last-Minute Shopping!
Guilty as charged, your Honor! The problem is, I just cannot seem to conjure up even a spark of what someone might want or need until that crucial moment. Maybe I thrive under the pressure - I still haven't figured that out. I got up nice and early - anticipating the idiots...er um...people on the road, but what was about to unfold really hit a hot button with me.

Don't Block The Intersection, Asshole!
I have a huge pet peeve - when there is a line of cars, and I see one or more of them blocking the intersection. This impedes my progress (and anyone else's.) All it means is that someone is just too damned lazy to walk a little distance to get into the local Wal-Mart. They act as if the very back rows on the other side of the entrance are no man's land. I mean, got forbid that they actually have to WALK! Hell, why don't they just run parking lot shuttles like amusement parks, ya know? Not only that, it makes it nearly impossible to exit the parking lot, as there is gridlock from all sides. It reminds me of some kind of Branch Davidian compound - you can't get in, but if you do, you're never going to get out.

A Clarification...
Now, I'm not referring to folks who absolutely need those closer spaces (i.e. elderly or handicapped folks.) I'm talking about able-bodied people, maybe around my age, that just park they freakishly large SUV (Humvees come to mind) in the front row, just because they can. I guess it strokes their ego a little bit - to have the upper hand, and throw it in the less fortunate person's face. "Don't you wish that you could have this? I'm better than you, and you know it." Oh please - It's great to have nice things, but don't act like your a god or an untouchable. Anyways, enough on that mini-rant.

Urban Assault...
For many years, I have held this mindset when dealing with throngs of idiots....excuse me...people (damn it, did it AGAIN!) I picture myself as a commando, loaded to the hilt with unlimited firepower on my person, as well as on my vehicle. I know that it's childish, but it does help me to be firm and assertive. However, the images sometimes become vivid, and for just a moment, I'm really in the battlefield. I throw grenades, run my adversary off the road, and just basically part the crowd like the Red Sea. No, it's not a bloodbath - everyone just sees that I mean business, and gets the hell out of my way. It's not meant to be ominous, just let me have my way.

I Want It Now, Daddy! Now!
Yes, I know that the world does not revolve around me. I've been told this countless times within my life, and this view that I have is rather selfish. But, I know that I'm not the only one who gets like that. I think that at least more than a few times within our lives, we all take turns playing the Veruca Salt character from Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.

Next Time I'll...
Sure, I'll say that now - but odds are that "mood" will come up again. My therapist says that I'm addicted to anger. It's not so much that I like it, it's just that it's second-nature for me to get frustrated beyond belief sometimes. In contrast, the anger is not nearly as much as it used to be. This is more of an intense irritation - like being crabby, but turning the volume up to about 8. My heart is basically saying, "Why is this happening to ME? How could they do this to ME?" This is a classic case of personalizing it, taking it as a threat, and getting defensive to protect myself. This is why in a confrontation with someone, I would (and still) refuse to back down and be submissive. I'll walk away, but not with my tail between my legs - that ain't gonna happen, kids. I played that role for too long when I was a kid.

Yo!
A note to all potential thugs - put a gun in my face, you'd damn well better use it. For if you don't, I'll be glad to shove it somewhere else..I guess that I'm the type of guy that might hand you his wallet, but the second you turn your back or drop your guard, I'm going to kick the living shit out of you, take back my wallet, and probably take something of yours for the pain and suffering...OK....OK....OK....here I go thinking about something that is, beyond the shadow of a doubt is not going to happen. I just wanted you to get an idea of my beliefs and values.

Yap-Yap-Yap...
As usual, I go off ad-nauseum into just how I defend myself from these "threats." This is not neccessary, I just get so caught up in the moment. I need to take this facet of my personality and focus it on productive things and projects - namely my music and my writing. Friends describe my intensity of discussing things as deep and intense. I don't claim anything - I'm just a very passionate person, that's all there is to it. I've even given a few close friends "permission" to warn me when I'm headed for that "danger zone."

Welcome To Hollywood...
That fantasy-land is alot like Hollywood - anything is possible, and can happen. Of course, we know that flights of fancy don't always translate well into reality. This is probably due to the fact that we overlook several variables, and or consequences that may occur following our actions or words. However, to visualize something does help us to accomplish it. I think that it has more to do with bolstering our self-confidence more than anything. To prep ourselves for something is the ultimate safeguard. But to see it through rose-colored glasses is just asking for a disappointment - a real heartbreak.

Idealism Defined...
We all have that "perfect world" within our minds, where everything is perfect (like a certain drugstore chain's TV spots.) Nothing is wrong, all is just hunky-dory." We know that is just a pipe dream, and is simply not possible. Our paths cross and intersect throughout our lives, and this always has an impact on us. It's like everyone is the center of their own universe, but no one elses. We have all these universes that come together, sometimes they oppose one another, and clash violently.

Preconceived Notions...
The danger is that factor called a "preconceived notion." This is what gets us into trouble. We visualize things to be a certain way and when they prove otherwise, this creates a disappointment for us. Sometimes this provokes anger, which is usually the case with me. That anger is really me just being ultra-crabby, as I stated earlier. Generally, my mind says something like, "Oh, so you want to ruin my perfect little world? Well, I'm not going to let you, no matter the cost. I mean, who the fuck are you to rain on MY parade? Step off dude, or you're going to get hurt."

Umm....Okay....
You get the idea. I think that this is becoming a circular reference post. I keep going back to that anger/protection mechanism, even when no threat is eminent. This is something that I'm definitely working on in my life. I am truly at more ease than I've ever been in my life, but there are certain situations that will take more time and discipline. Namely situations involving many people, long lines, belligerent drunks, and authority figures who overstep their boundaries. I guess the place that I'm most comfortable is either at home or on the stage.

Progress...
Even though I have a few stumbling blocks, I feel that I have been making tremendous progress within my life in the past decade. I need to look at ways that I can avoid those traps of familiarity and comfort. It's time to look for solutions rather than focus on the problem. To give up is tantamount to being a loser. It took me a long time to realize how self-pity damages you. I would simply think to myself, "Well, this is it - I'm a loser and there is nothing that I can do about it." How wrong I was to find out several years later. I've been blessed with these wonderful gifts, and it's time to use them to their full potential. The potential that so many others see within me - family, friends, colleagues, therapists, etc.

Dad...
My dad has always been a positive force throughout my life regarding my talents and abilities. I know that it used to eat him up when I would come home high or drunk. I was capable of doing so much more, yet I chose not to. I only wish that I could have said, "You know, Dad. The reason that I'm doing these things is that I am truly unhappy right now. I'm having a very tough time at school, and I feel that no one cares or loves me (except for you.) I really need your help. I don't want to be this way, but it's the way I am coping with my life right now. I don't know what else to do."

Help...And Love...
Eventually I did let him (as well as my aunt and uncle) know . It happened on a Christmas day around 1990 or so. I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore. I broke down to tears and confessed everything, even the suicidal feelings. This really set off a red flag with my entire famliy, and they were all very worried about me. It was then that I realized that there are many people who care about me, and what happens to me. This was a beginning to the way out of the smoke-filled haze that was my teenage life. It took nearly 15 years to get to this point, but it has been an interesting journey to say the least. I can't say that I don't regret anything, but I did learn some valuable lessons down the road. Sometimes we have to get a taste of experience in order to learn our lesson. The pain (or pleasure) that we feel is our best teacher. The trick is to take the lesson from it, and discard any accompanying negative emotions as soon as possible.

That's All Folks!
Well, that's all for now. I feel as if i'm just running in circles faster and faster. I know that what I write is nothing new - it's just my take on how I observe life, people and issues within it. I bear malice toward none - it's just a protective mechanism that is stuck and needs to be repaired. Enough said, and with that, I wish you all:

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Insert Photo Here..

It seems that my profile image has vanished from its former location, so I'll have to scare up a new one for those of you that want to see what I look like. My best comparisons - I've been told that I have the facial features of Quentin Tarrantino, and from a distance that I look like Tony Levin - bassist extraordinaire for Peter Gabriel and others. Coincidence? I don't think so! Later!

BTW - The photo I've substituted is from my Flickr page. It's my inadvertent attempt to imitate the late blues great Howlin' Wolf. I just noticed that recently. See ya!

The Post Office and Other Things...

Happens Every Time...
Well, today I have a rant that I must purge from my system! This involves my local post office. You know, it could be ANY time of the day and without fail, there's always a line at the post office! Now, I know that is to be expected during the holiday season, but this happens all year-round. People are jamming up the street just so they can shove a letter or card down the unscrupulous throat of those wonderful US Mail boxes. Not only that, the parking lot is FULL! Admittedly, this does start a little spark of frustration within me.

Going In...
I know what to expect going in - a line of no less than 3 to 5 people. There's always one moron who is trying to send packages to the whole freakin' world! Today it was a lady with what appeared to be no less than one-hundred fifty Christmas cards! I couldn't hold back and I mumbled, "gee lady, what are you doing, sending Christmas cards to everyone on the planet?" She didn't respond, and no one else did either - not even a glare. I usually get a nod of agreement, or a stare of disapproval from the other customers. Anyway, the line went faster than I expected, and I was glad to be out of there. To avoid further frustration, I made sure to purchase a book of stamps so that I don't have to go there for a while. I also wouldn't want to short the post office of that precious 2 cent increase in January. Never enough...

Improvements...
For starters, they could actually use all 3 windows so that they could take care of customers faster. My only guess is that they are understaffed and are only able to attend to 2 windows at one time. This in and of itself would alleviate alot of the frustration involved.

For Faster Service...
This idea is borrowed from grocery stores and license bureaus - how about an Express Lane - for those, like me, that only have one or two items to send. All others should stay in the regular line. Honestly, if you're going to ship something big, do yourself (and anyone else) a favor and use UPS, FedEx, or DHL. They are more experienced in the matter of larger items. However, even the "big guys" have their occasional snafu.

Trials and Tribulations with DHL...
I am currently dealing with DHL right now - they were supposed to deliver a package to me on the 19th, but it hasn't shown up yet. The sad thing is, it's not even a big and bulky package - it's just a wristwatch! I called customer service and they said that they would call me back within the hour to let me know the status of my package. The nearest DHL facility is only about 30 miles away! I mean, how long does it take to get around to where I live? They have how many vans and trucks? I don't know about you, but I see them all over the place! Naturally, I've been tracking my package since the day of its shipment, and for the past two days I've been informed that it is basically "en route." It supposedly left the facility at 6:34 AM today. The time is now 4:19 PM, and still nothing! So much for prompt service, eh? Maybe I should discount the fact that it is indeed Christmas time and there are lots of packages (mostly fruitcakes, cheese and wine baskets) that are being shipped. Gee, I hope that everyone elses' stuff gets to them on time - I don't wish this on anyone!

A Lesson Learned...
I can tell you this - I'll never - repeat, NEVER use DHL for anything ever again. Unfortunately, I had no choice in the matter, as that was all the merchant offered. As a result of this inconvenience, I have postponed several activities and put off several things that needed to be done, just so that I can accept my package! I mean, I have a week-and-a-half's worth of laundry that needs to be done. This involves driving to my sister's house and spending a good portion of the day there. Sometimes I just spend the night and sleep on the couch. Knowing my luck, I'd be gone, and sure enough, that damn delivery van would pull up, and I'd get that dreaded "We missed you," notice on my back door. I'd have to wait until the next day to get the package. At least they offer you the option that you don't need a signature to get it.

Precious Time...
I'd sure hate for them to leave my precious watch outside in the cold all day though. It's a rather expensive one, and I'm sure it's rather sensitive to freezing temperatures. If it was broken, it wouldn't be cheap to fix it, as I don't wear those cheesy digital pieces of crap. Call me old fashioned, but I do prefer the more traditional style ones, especially with windup or automatic movements. As I said before, I'm a watch geek, and I collect lots of them. I'm the sort of guy who prefers Roman numerals over Arabic, or hour markers instead of numbers. I consider myself a person who has the taste of Cartier, Rolex, and the like - however I'm on more of a Seiko or Timex budget. I'm a black tie guy trapped in a poor man's body! I could go on and on about this, but it would take alot of time. Anyway, enough about that...


Newsflash!
I just received the call from DHL that it will arrive at my doorstep tonight. I was very pleased to hear this, and I eagerly await its arrival! Now, I can get on with my life, catch up with my laundry, and run the errands that I need to run. Ironically, one involves getting a watch serviced. For now I'll just sit here and listen to my neighbor across the hall wail away on his guitar, blasting Ozzy Ozbourne. The kid's got potential to be the next Zakk Wylde - now if only I could convince him that he should join a band (and that there is other stuff to play and listen to!)

We Now Resume Normal Programming...
It's night time! Time to plug in the Christmas tree, light a few candles, and make something delicious for dinner. Dare I make my first attempt at spaghetti with garlic bread? My heartburn says otherwise... Oh well, I'll probably just throw a pizza in the oven, and be done with it. Wait - doesn't pizza give you hearburn too? :)

Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Dropping In...

Quickly...
Well, it seems that my DSL connection has straightened out, and is working very nicely. I guess that the first ten days are pretty tumultuous, and you are supposed to leave your modem on continuously for that time, so they get an idea of your usage (or something like that.) It's just great to listen to my favorite streams - especially the ones that lull me to sleep!

In Other News...
Seems that I'm becoming a hot commodity (slowly but surely) in the local music scene. Almost any gig that I play, someone approaches me to join their band, or just to get together and jam. Of course it's hard to say no, so ultimately I end up doing it. It's nice to feel important, and to be needed. I keep imagining myself on the cover of Bass Player Magazine in a thoughtful but slightly aggressive pose with my signature fretless bass in my hands. Okay, moving on then...


Moods...
Moods have been more stable than they have been in quite some time. I find that now I am able to spread out and do what I want to do, things are much better. If I want to build something, I build it! If I want to change something, I change it! Creativity is coming back to me, and I've even taken the time to record some basic "ditties" that I can use to make songs. My PC is nto liking it too much (crappy soundcard?) but that's ok.

And?
The point is, I'm creating again, and in the privacy of my own home! That means if I get the urge to play a riff at 3am, I can do that. I just can't be too loud, but that's ok. I got lucky, as all my neighbors are young and in their 20's. Hell, the guy across the way plays guitar too! I mean, how cool is that?

So...
I'm cutting this short, but I'll be back soon. Not sure if I'll be doing daily entries, but I will be a posting a little more frequently. Sometimes I feel that I have to be in a creative mood to post - in actuality, I don't. I pretty much type how I talk in person, aside from the occasional stutter when i'm anxious. With that, I'm outtie - back soon!

Good Evening!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Severing The Ties...

Well, it's official. I am sick and tired of my lackluster internet connection. I thought that by upgrading to DSL, I would be doing the best thing. Apparently such is not the case. Sometimes my DSL line goes down twice in one hour - simply unacceptable. I get too frustrated with it. I keep thinking to myself, " do I really want to put up with this any longer?" I am very tempted to cancel it and not have internet at all. The role that it once served me in life is really no longer needed, so maybe it's time to move on. I know that I've brought this up more than a few times, but I just can't help but wonder if it really is all just a waste of time. True, I've chatted and emailed some wonderful people, but the majority of my time is spent looking at useless crap that no one cares about. If it's one thing that I've learned living here on earth, it's that people don't like it when you know more than them, or that you can do something better. They try to belittle you and make you feel like a freak, that you should be punished for your gifts. Anyway... gotta go. Not sure if I'll be back soon, if it all. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up with a different frame of mind.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Catching Up...Part Deux...

Cleaning Out...
Last night, I took on a huge project - to confront all the stuff that I had stored at my parents' house in the garage from 10-15 years ago. It consisted of many plastic totes, and some old toys. One of the totes was so heavy that my stepbrother had to help me load it in my truck! I got it all home, and began unpacking. What I was about to experience was very therapeutic - cathartic even!

Why Do I Hold On To This Stuff?
I couldn't believe the things that I found - old bank transaction slips, sales receipts, junk, junk, and more junk! I found the stuff from failed auto detailing business - it had all given up the ghost, since it sat for nearly a decade unused. That was the first stuff to go - into the trash! As I continued digging, I continually shook my head, asking, "why the hell did I keep THIS?" Of course, I knew the answer, but I knew that it really served no purpose now. Maybe it did at one time, but now it's time to get rid of it, once and for all. I was very relieved to let it all go - believe me!

But Wait...There's More!
I found several old cassette tapes that I haven't seen in years - some for good reason! I mean, how the hell did I end up with a Paula Abdul or Bobby Brown cassette? Must have been an ex's. Speaking of an ex, I found a reciept for a watch that I bought her from Wal-Mart. Now that I think about it, she really wasn't worth the $79.97 that I paid for it (a Seiko!) I guess love makes us do foolish things sometimes. I have to wonder...does she still have it? Probably not.

Toys...Toys...and More Toys!
Then comes the toys - Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars galore! I also found my beloved Micro Machines (they are really small,) which I couldn't bear to part with! I figure this much - I will hold on to the toys for future generations of my family (e.g. my adorable twin nieces!) I picked through them all, and chose a few to keep out for display - the really special ones. Now my Tonka Honda ATC (three wheeler) is on top of my monitor - the rider looking ready to kick some butt (as he always has.) One of my faves - a 6x6x6 (six wheeled) jeep is now perched above my sink, under the fluorescent light. Most people would probably put plants there, but for me, it's a mini-musueum of my favorite cars of the past. It's also the resting place for my little radio-controlled cars as well.

OK...Now On To The Mushy Stuff, et al...
After sifting and sorting through miscellaneous debris, I found a bunch of old photos and cards. These started to bring back pleasant memories, and some not so pleasant. I actually started to relive some events from that time period. I remember how unpleasant high school was for me, and how much crap I used to take from people. I remember the feeble attempts at relationships, and falling in love with a girl who was my best friend at the time, only to be turned away (it was for the better though.) I also found letters I'd written but never sent. Some of the most heartfelt and sincere words were "spoken" in them. As far as I could tell, I really started to struggle with bipolar disorder just before I got out of high school - I would say roughly 1990. Anyway, the memories started to come back, and I had to get control of myself. It was then that I realized that I DO have control. I can throw away these painful triggers and start over. I managed to get rid of enough paper to fill up a decent-sized garbage bag! What relief! I did hold on to the photos, however - they will be going into a photo album of sorts. Heck, I might even just make a scrapbook!

Letters From Family...
In the summer of 1992, I enrolled in the Job Corps and was stationed at Fort Atterbury in Edinburgh, Indiana. OK, it wasn't the military, but it was pretty damn close! Anyway, during the short time that I was there (more about why I left later,) I received several letters from close friends, relatives (including my sister and father.) I took the time to read through each one, and began to see the genuine love, care, and concern that they had for me. I started to feel guilty for the way I treated them in my adolescent and post-adolescent years. Then I realized that's all over now - it's in the past. I'm a changed person - a mature adult - a MAN.

Sis...
My sister had gone off to Sweden as a foreign exchange student, and had written me several times, urging me to write back to her. I think that I did maybe once or twice. I can only wonder how much she missed being home, yet having alot of fun. Of course, the guilt set in, and I nearly began to cry. Then I stopped, realizing that she is indeed back in my life, and we are closer than we've ever been. I know that she'd be touched deeply if she knew that I still had those letters. Even though I was a young punk, I knew deep down that those letters were special, and that's why I held onto them. Those will not be thrown away either - she said some very encouraging and uplifting things. This was a side of her that I had never seen until then. I am so deeply moved, and almost ready to cry as I write this. Sis, if you're reading this, I want to say something that I've never said to you before - I LOVE YOU!!!!

Photos...
I found photos of me just before I graduated high school. One that really touched me, was a picture of my uncle and I sitting on the couch at Christmas time. I was wearing a salmon striped shirt, jeans with rolled up legs, and long hair - down to the middle of my back. Looking at that photo, I didn't see a loser - I saw a kid who was scared, unhappy, and confused. He had recently confessed all his drug and alcohol abuse, but that wasn't enough. I had to keep playing the cool "stoner" kid part until I got out of high school. God forbid that anyone saw the "real me!"

And More...
In contast, I also found photos of me when I was around 11 or 12 years old, unkept hair, and that trademark snarling smile - something that I haven't lost over the years. This is due to teeth that were never corrected with braces - something many kids couldn't escape. I didn't want them, so I never got them. The photos depicted a kid who was much happier - of course, these were mostly vacation photos! The memories poured forth - however, it became easier to deal with them as I went along. It was then I realized that I had come a long way over that ten to fifteen years - something that my therapist continually reminds me of. I truly feel it now. Thanks, Doc!

Conclusion...
So, what have we learned today? Well, for one, getting rid of unneccesary and unused things in our lives gives us (and our parents) more space. More importantly, we also know that it can be a very cleansing and cathartic (yes, there's that word again) process. To be able to acknowledge, confront, and release these issues that are in the past is highly reccommended to anyone. So, if you have a bunch of old "junk" just laying around in your attic or whatever, take the time to go through it. You may be surprised at what lurks within! Enjoy!

Friday, December 02, 2005

The Art of Catching Up...

It Sure Has Been A While...
Yes, I realize that it has indeed been a while since I've posted - I assure you that I'm doing quite well. I've never felt so free in my life! So far, this "experiment" is working out even better than I imagined. I've taken a liking to things that I never thought I would, such as cooking and even cleaning! I take great pride in my housekeeping and culinary conquests. I was able to successfully follow the directions to make some alfredo noodles, and they turned out rather nicely. I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment!

Cleaning and Organization...
I am also able to keep this place extremely tidy. For once in my life, I am organized! I am still streamlining things, but I'm off to a great start. My filing cabinet is in better order than it was previously. I used to just throw everything in there, not labelling the hanging folders - now they are all labeled and easy to see. They aren't alphabetized yet, but that's ok. I may not even go that far. Just to know that everything is in the proper folder is enough for me. This alone is "good enough."

What Remains...
I still have the huge project of sorting through my media collection - LP's, CD's and CD-R's, cassettes, and open reel tapes. I think that the last count of LPs was in the neighborhood of 1,500 or so. Of course, I have 45 singles as well - at least a few hundred of those. My dad prefers to call them an "obsolete medium." I just can't bring myself to replace them with CD's. The truth of the matter is, there is alot of stuff that is out of print and you can't get it on CD. I guess I could rip them all on the PC, but that would take tremendous amounts of time, and use lots of styli on the turntable. I guess what I will eventually end up doing is going through them, writing down each one, and taking note of its availability. If it's commonly available, I'll just give in and get the CD. Sigh...

A Dilemma...
Now this is going to be a bit technical, but I will do my best not to blindside you with terminology and long-winded explanations. Another reason that I hold onto these old recordings is that when I hear the CD remaster, many times I don't like it. They don't use the same engineer in the process more often than not. Of course, each engineer hears things differently, and some may actually try to "sweeten" the recording. Sometimes this results in an undesirable product, and you regret ever buying the damn thing. Another factor is that these recordings were made on tape that is starting to wear out, or even worse, starting to decompose. True that there are safety copies, but each generation of a copy adds noise, and something gets lost along the way.

King Crimson, et al...
A vivid memory of this for me is when I first heard the first remaster of "In The Court of The Crimson King," by King Crimson. I noticed right away that something was lacking. The Mellotron (early sampling-type of keyboard) was rather buried in the mix, whereas on the original recording, it is very prominent. Not only that, I noticed an inordinate amount of background noise. To illustrate the point further, my buddy took out his LP copy of the same album (pressed around 1969,) and played the same song. Yes, you guessed - the orignal sounded better. Funny thing - Robert Fripp, the guitarist for the band, noticed this early on as well. He has stated many times his extreme dissatisfaction of the remaster recording, and took the liberty of releasing one that as close to the original as you could get. With a name like Fripp, it has to be good (sorry, Smuckers!) Enough said.


Anyway...
As you may tell in my writing demeanor, I am doing quite well for myself. I still have my lazy days (don't we all?) but I'm not sitting around depressed. I'm usually catching up on lost sleep, or just plum tuckered out. Once I am able, I will go to the doctor and get a physical. I am pretty certain that I will be told that I am hypoglycemic. This could have alot to do with my subsequent sleepiness after mealtimes. More on this later.


For Now...
I guess I'd better jump in the shower, head to the bank to pay some bills, and maybe do a little shopping as well. Things like hot dog tongs would come in handy - so would a knife set, or a mixer. Then again, some area rugs would be nice also. Updates will be more frequent - I promise!