Cleaning Out...
Last night, I took on a huge project - to confront all the stuff that I had stored at my parents' house in the garage from 10-15 years ago. It consisted of many plastic totes, and some old toys. One of the totes was so heavy that my stepbrother had to help me load it in my truck! I got it all home, and began unpacking. What I was about to experience was very therapeutic - cathartic even!
Why Do I Hold On To This Stuff?
I couldn't believe the things that I found - old bank transaction slips, sales receipts, junk, junk, and more junk! I found the stuff from failed auto detailing business - it had all given up the ghost, since it sat for nearly a decade unused. That was the first stuff to go - into the trash! As I continued digging, I continually shook my head, asking, "why the hell did I keep THIS?" Of course, I knew the answer, but I knew that it really served no purpose now. Maybe it did at one time, but now it's time to get rid of it, once and for all. I was very relieved to let it all go - believe me!
But Wait...There's More!
I found several old cassette tapes that I haven't seen in years - some for good reason! I mean, how the hell did I end up with a Paula Abdul or Bobby Brown cassette? Must have been an ex's. Speaking of an ex, I found a reciept for a watch that I bought her from Wal-Mart. Now that I think about it, she really wasn't worth the $79.97 that I paid for it (a Seiko!) I guess love makes us do foolish things sometimes. I have to wonder...does she still have it? Probably not.
Toys...Toys...and More Toys!
Then comes the toys - Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars galore! I also found my beloved Micro Machines (they are really small,) which I couldn't bear to part with! I figure this much - I will hold on to the toys for future generations of my family (e.g. my adorable twin nieces!) I picked through them all, and chose a few to keep out for display - the really special ones. Now my Tonka Honda ATC (three wheeler) is on top of my monitor - the rider looking ready to kick some butt (as he always has.) One of my faves - a 6x6x6 (six wheeled) jeep is now perched above my sink, under the fluorescent light. Most people would probably put plants there, but for me, it's a mini-musueum of my favorite cars of the past. It's also the resting place for my little radio-controlled cars as well.
OK...Now On To The Mushy Stuff, et al...
After sifting and sorting through miscellaneous debris, I found a bunch of old photos and cards. These started to bring back pleasant memories, and some not so pleasant. I actually started to relive some events from that time period. I remember how unpleasant high school was for me, and how much crap I used to take from people. I remember the feeble attempts at relationships, and falling in love with a girl who was my best friend at the time, only to be turned away (it was for the better though.) I also found letters I'd written but never sent. Some of the most heartfelt and sincere words were "spoken" in them. As far as I could tell, I really started to struggle with bipolar disorder just before I got out of high school - I would say roughly 1990. Anyway, the memories started to come back, and I had to get control of myself. It was then that I realized that I DO have control. I can throw away these painful triggers and start over. I managed to get rid of enough paper to fill up a decent-sized garbage bag! What relief! I did hold on to the photos, however - they will be going into a photo album of sorts. Heck, I might even just make a scrapbook!
Letters From Family...
In the summer of 1992, I enrolled in the Job Corps and was stationed at Fort Atterbury in Edinburgh, Indiana. OK, it wasn't the military, but it was pretty damn close! Anyway, during the short time that I was there (more about why I left later,) I received several letters from close friends, relatives (including my sister and father.) I took the time to read through each one, and began to see the genuine love, care, and concern that they had for me. I started to feel guilty for the way I treated them in my adolescent and post-adolescent years. Then I realized that's all over now - it's in the past. I'm a changed person - a mature adult - a MAN.
Sis...
My sister had gone off to Sweden as a foreign exchange student, and had written me several times, urging me to write back to her. I think that I did maybe once or twice. I can only wonder how much she missed being home, yet having alot of fun. Of course, the guilt set in, and I nearly began to cry. Then I stopped, realizing that she is indeed back in my life, and we are closer than we've ever been. I know that she'd be touched deeply if she knew that I still had those letters. Even though I was a young punk, I knew deep down that those letters were special, and that's why I held onto them. Those will not be thrown away either - she said some very encouraging and uplifting things. This was a side of her that I had never seen until then. I am so deeply moved, and almost ready to cry as I write this. Sis, if you're reading this, I want to say something that I've never said to you before - I LOVE YOU!!!!
Photos...
I found photos of me just before I graduated high school. One that really touched me, was a picture of my uncle and I sitting on the couch at Christmas time. I was wearing a salmon striped shirt, jeans with rolled up legs, and long hair - down to the middle of my back. Looking at that photo, I didn't see a loser - I saw a kid who was scared, unhappy, and confused. He had recently confessed all his drug and alcohol abuse, but that wasn't enough. I had to keep playing the cool "stoner" kid part until I got out of high school. God forbid that anyone saw the "real me!"
And More...
In contast, I also found photos of me when I was around 11 or 12 years old, unkept hair, and that trademark snarling smile - something that I haven't lost over the years. This is due to teeth that were never corrected with braces - something many kids couldn't escape. I didn't want them, so I never got them. The photos depicted a kid who was much happier - of course, these were mostly vacation photos! The memories poured forth - however, it became easier to deal with them as I went along. It was then I realized that I had come a long way over that ten to fifteen years - something that my therapist continually reminds me of. I truly feel it now. Thanks, Doc!
Conclusion...
So, what have we learned today? Well, for one, getting rid of unneccesary and unused things in our lives gives us (and our parents) more space. More importantly, we also know that it can be a very cleansing and cathartic (yes, there's that word again) process. To be able to acknowledge, confront, and release these issues that are in the past is highly reccommended to anyone. So, if you have a bunch of old "junk" just laying around in your attic or whatever, take the time to go through it. You may be surprised at what lurks within! Enjoy!
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