Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Goodbye For Now

Well, I guess that this is goodbye for now. I am now doing much better for myself, and I couldn't feel much better. I am beginning to realize that there is indeed life after the internet, and that it was indeed an addiction. I'm not turning my back on technology - I'm just going to use the computer much less than I have in the past (remove all chat programs, etc. and pretty much only for my production stuff. Thank you everyone, and I wish you much success and happiness within your lives. Take care!


Danny

Monday, January 09, 2006

Cue: Norman Bates' Psycho Music...

...OH MY GOD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
This is what I said when I opened my refrigerator door! I saw a trail of blood - er, chocolate syrup dripping down the inside of the door and onto the crisper shelves (and then onto the freshly mopped floor!) Honestly, I heard the music and thought of Janet Leigh's character in the movie. Suddenly, I was Norman Bates - knowing that something terrible had happened, and that I'd better clean it up.

Da-Daaaa-Da-Dum...Da-Daaaa-Da-Dum....(Second part of the score)

A Bit Of Triva...
Did you know that Alfred Hitchcock used Hershey's chocolate syrup to simulate blood in "Psycho?" How ingenious! I can see it now - he says "Well, let's use chocolate syrup. The bloody audience won't even be able to tell, since it is indeed only in black and white!" I can see why Norman (played by Anthony Perkins) had one hell of a time trying to clean that stuff up! I learned for myself first hand today just how viscous (and sticky) that stuff is in copious amounts!

Plan Of Attack...
My first line of defense was to grab some damp paper towels and wipe the floor with them. I then left them to catch any remaining drips that might make their way to the floor. Next, I removed the offending bottle and (the others) on the shelf that it all began on. I decided to soak up as much as I could on the crisper shelves, finding out that you really have to use several damp towels to clean it up. The stuff spreads like oil, and it's easy to make the mess even bigger, or get it on your shirt sleeves. There - the drawers are done on the outside. But what about the inside? I had a nasty feeling as I opened the one on the right - sure enough, there was a pool of syrup in the corner, and I had to clean that out too. Once that was complete, I turned my attention to the shelf in the door and wiped it clean. Next, I grabbed each bottle, cleaned off the bottom and sides, and proceeded to put them back in their prior locations. The final step was cleaning the floor, again through courtesy of a wet paper towel. I am sure that I'm going to go over it again with the mop and pine-sol because it does feel a bit sticky in stocking feet. Whew!

The Culprit?
Simple - it was a bottle of Nesquik that had a small hole in the top of the cap! How I failed to notice this when I purchased it was anyone's guess. If it wasn't for the safety seal (which I usually despise,) the store would have had a hell of a mess on their hands! I'm guessing that it fell in transit, and the little shard of plastic broke off upon impact. Now, what I'm not sure of is this - did I buy it this way, or did I drop it and cause it to break? Remember, I do have a history of accidentally breaking things (by the way, you can add a candle to the list today!) The jury is definitely out on this one.

Note to self: Next time, buy the one with the spout you can lock down and verify it through the transparent cap!

As I Was Saying...
Oh, the candle? Well, that was definitely a boo-boo. I had it sitting on top of one of my stereo speakers (yeah, I know, smart.) It was sitting on a paper towel as well. I had the music up a little loud today, and was jamming while I was cleaning. I never stopped to look at the candle that was slowly vibrating itself closer and closer to the edge, until.....

CRRRAAASSSSSSHHH!!!
Yep, there's that old familiar sound again. It seems to re-occur time and time again within my life. I look down and see that my candle decided to commit Hari-Kari and assault one of my mic stands. The mic stand would have no part of this and decided to fight back by breaking the candle's glass jar into no less than one hundred tiny pieces! Of course I cleaned it up, watching for more shards, and admonishing myself in the process. I am so glad that I did not have that candle burning, or I would have had some serious trouble! Reason being is that within the vicinity of the incident was my guitar and amp, and my two basses, as well as my right channel stereo speaker (which is made of wood.) That stuff would have went up fast! Amazingly, I didn't cuss or scream - I just cleaned it up and went about my business...and grabbed another candle from the closet to replace the broken one. It's now sitting where the old one was. *Sigh* When will I ever learn?

On a short note: I wonder if I can sue Jeff Beck for making music so great that I was negligent of the well-being of my candle? Dare to dream, Danny! Just kidding, Jeff! YOU ROCK!!!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

It's A SAD Situation...

A Possibility...
After reading Tabor's comment regarding my last post, I did some research to see if I have the classic winter blahs. The formal name for this is Seasonal Affective Disorder. It seems that this occurs due to the excessive production of melatonin in the brain. And to think that I actually have some melatonin pills in my cabinet! Those were left over from my travails with Geodon.

If The Shoe Fits...
Seems the symptoms are there - excessive eating, craving of sugary and starchy foods, and oversleeping. Lately, I have been sleeping 9-10 hours a day, and still getting sleepy later on. My mood isn't terrible, but it has a tinge of apathy and self-defeatist characteristics. I promised some friends that I would come over today, but I never made it there. I was going to call them and let them know that I'll come over tomorrow or Tuesday, but I never got to the point. One of them got angry with me for doing this before, and I can't blame her for that. She had made a nice dinner for all of us, and I never even gave the courtesy of a phone call. She knows that I struggle with depression quite frequently, but thinks to a degree that "it's all in my head." She doesn't understand...

Remedies...
They range from getting outside for an hour a day, to using full spectrum light therapy. I promised my therapist that I would go for an hour walk every day. Well, I did go out for a walk on Friday, and I felt invigorated after that. I guess that I was so wiped out on Friday night, that I couldn't get up early enough to go for a walk on Saturday. The same goes for today. And so the cycle continues...or does it? It seems that I lack energy, and that it takes so much effort sometimes just to walk out that door. Sometimes it seems that I'd rather clean house than stick a foot outside!

Cocktail for One...
It's a challenge dealing with this AND having bipolar disorder at the same time. What I feel right now is not really sadness - it's more of an emptiness. I don't feel worthless, but I do feel that there is not much going on right now, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm the master of isolating myself from everyone and everything, and that just makes it worse.

Action!
I could pick up the phone and make some much-needed calls. I think that I will do that. It's almost 9 o'clock, but that's ok. To sit here and just stare at the wall (or the screen) is not going to help much. After all, why did i choose to take a shower about an hour ago? Here I sit, dressed and ready to go...nowhere. I could go to a local jam night, but I don't know if my buddies are going to be there. It's so complicated, and I'll go into it later. For now, I will look into things that I can do to ease these empty feelings. It's like taking the edge off the dullness. How paradoxical is that?

"This too, shall pass."

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

200....and Counting...

The Time Has Finally Come...
Yep. I am at that point in my life when I am beginning to actually gain weight (and keep it!) I used to hover around 185-190 lbs. at the most, but now I've hit the proverbial two-hundred pound mark (according to my parents' scale.) I re-weighed myself two other times, and the result was the same, so the average works out to 200. Wow - I really need to control my eating!

Oink, Oink!
Since I started cooking for myself, my portions have been rather large at times. I also find myself craving alot of cheese and sweet stuff, namely chocolate candy bars. It's not uncommon for me to go through a one-pound container of port wine or sharp cheddar cheese in two days. The stuff is just so damn good! But I don't think that I'm eating just because I'm craving the taste - I think that it's something else. Maybe it's for the same reason alot of people overeat - comfort.

Alone...
Now, don't get me wrong - I love my freedom. But there are times when I don't know what to do with myself, so I go right to the refrigerator and grab something to eat. At first, it was just a bowl of salad with bleu cheese dressing, croutons, and tomatoes. Now it's sharp cheddar or port wine cheese, summer sausage, and crackers. I also tend to consume alot of chocolate as well. For example - I went grocery shopping yesterday, and I bought a bag of Snickers candy bars (fun size.) I find myself getting into them nearly every time I go into the kitchen. I would say that 3/4 of the bag is gone now. I never thought that it would come to this - that I'd have to curb my eating.

Exercise...
When it was nice outside in the summer and fall, I used to walk around town, lap around the square a few times, and head home. Now that it's rather cold outside, I don't have the urge to go out and brave the elements for 30-60 minutes every day - perhaps I ought to. It might do me some good. It's hard to believe that at one time in my life I was athletic. You wouldn't know by looking at me.

Food = ?
It seems that the food is replacing something that is missing in my life. I don't think that it's a relationship or sex. I believe that is replacing my courage to get out there and do things when I'm not playing gigs. That has always been a big deal for me. I'm not a socialite, and I am not one for small talk. I find that alot of my ideals go against the grain, or that my jokes are not funny unless you know the inside references. As a result, I just stay in my apartment day and night for days on end, only leaving if absolutely necessary. It's similar to being depressed, but I don't feel down.

I Feel.....Bleh.
The word that I use to describe it is "bleh." Maybe I feel a tad depressed, but not overcome by it. I have been on the telephone alot today - mostly to confirm gigs, practices, etc. If I really feel awful, I usually try to reach out to someone in my support network. I haven't been suicidal in months, and I'm really proud of that. I guess that the novelty of being on my own has worn off, and being alone is just normal now. I guess this is where the food comes in - if I feel bad, I'll eat; then, I'll feel better. At least I am aware of it, and I want to do something about it. I would try the ABWheel, but every time I use the thing, it feels like I'm ripping myself apart. Pushups? I'm lucky if I can do one. The same goes for sit ups. Maybe I need to see my buddy in the city - he's a personal trainer, and he may have some ideas and or suggestions. I hope that he doesn't suggest putting eggs in the blender and drinking them! I'd have to say "no, thanks!"

In Other News...
Amidst all of this, I have been able to keep the house clean, do my dishes, and pay my bills, so it's not all for naught. I am going to get some sort of weekly/daily planner tool, and just plan out my days. I need some sort of structure to build upon. I find that when I'm busy, I'm usually much happier. I don't have time to think and dwell on things. I will never forget to give myself some free time, but I won't neglect things that need to be done either.

I guess that I'll just sit here until 10 p.m., and then go to bed. 40 minutes to go...

Monday, January 02, 2006

Time To Hit The Reset Button...Beeeeep!

A New Year - A New Frame of Mind
Happy New Year everyone! I hope that you had as great as a celebration as I did. It was fun playing our usual gig, but being on the bowling lanes themselves! It took a bit to get used to, but it wasn't impossible. All in all, it was alot of fun - now it's time to get back into the groove again....again....again....again...(sound of needle scratching a record.) I have to hit the "reset" button.

Wha?
New Year's always messes me up. Sometimes I sleep for 22-24 hours straight afterwards. Why I do this I have no idea. All I know is when I wake up, I feel pretty "zoned." It's like being refreshed and raring to go. Sometimes it takes a while to get out of that state. Thankfully, this year I didn't do that. I didn't come home on New Year's Day until midday. I cooked myself some dinner, and that's about all I really remember. I wasn't depressed - I just decided to keep to myself. I just needed some "alone" time.

Changes...Changes...
I've decided to deal with life differently. This mostly concerns dealing with other people (family, friends, etc.) I will do the best that I can, and if that's not enough, too bad! I will also NOT demean myself and beg for someone's forgiveness, nor will I pander to them. I'm tired of empty promises time and again (people promise things, but never deliver.) I guess to hell with them now. It's obvious that I'm not that important to them, so let's get on with our lives, shall we?

Life Goes On!
I send emails to people (really heartfelt stuff) and they don't bother to reply. That used to piss me off, but now I don't care. I guess we find out who are friends are (sooner or later.) My life is way too important to stop everything and wait for them. You live in your little world, and I'll live in mine - it's that simple. Succinctly put, I'm not playing the fool anymore - period. I feel better already!

Busy, Busy, Busy...
Seems I'm super busy with the music biz lately. I'm asked quite frequently to sit in or join yet another band. I think that the grand total now is four - including the one my buddy (who I already jam with) wants to put together. It's looking like a five to six night thing for me - I'm not complaining at all! It feels good to be sought after and "in demand." Apparently, this is my true calling in life - to be a musician/entertainer.

Stress and Priorities...
Sometimes it can be stressful, but at least I enjoy what I'm doing, and that makes a HUGE difference. I am trying to pace myself though, and not get overwhelmed. I do find it hard to say no, especially when so many offers are so tantalizing - top players, lots of talent, and opportunities! I will just have to be forthright and politely refuse when the need arises. And so begins the journey up the ladder...rung by rung...one step at a time.

Confidence or Conceit?
This is one area that I'm learning to discern the difference. I am actually at the point where I feel good enough that I am indeed worthy of what I have. However, I don't get cocky, or to the point where I feel that I'm the greatest. But...I do get to a point where if someone THINKS that they are better than me, I feel the need to "school" them. I guess it's my way of getting back at them. If they provoke me, I'll gladly oblige. Style, form, and versatility don't come from reading tablature in the latest issue of Guitar One, kids - remember that. Also, just because you own 14 basses and 10 amps doesn't make you great either - PRACTICE makes you great.

Jam...Jam...Jam...
Get out and jam with as many peope as you can. Of course, it's scary at first, but do it for a while. You'll be surprised at what happens, and how many friends you will make along the way! I was petrified the first time I played a jam night, but you know what? It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. My network has expanded tenfold, and I sit in with just about anyone who walks in the door and vice versa. I don't think that I'm the greatest thing since powdered milk, but I know that I don't suck either. This is a great place to be - this is about as "happy medium" as I can get right now. I can also accept the fact that not every jam is going to be perfect, and everyone communicates differently. This can create problems along the way, but true performers iron them out as they go.

Perfection, or "You Just Suck" - A Rant...
The standards that some people hold themselves (and others) to are just outright ridiculous! I mean, just because I didn't catch on to the tune right away doesn't mean that I suck! Did it ever occur to you that maybe I haven't HEARD the song to begin with? Chew on that, you acoustic guitar-toting, smug hippies! Don't bark out the chord changes to me, either - why not try shouting out a song title? If you want to do it in a different key, that's fine too, but don't be giving me harsh looks if it isn't turning out like you want it to. Remember, YOU were the one who decided to make things that much more difficult by changing the key of the song in the first place! I'm through feeling sorry for myself and not feeling good enough - it's YOUR turn!

Points To Remember...
I'm willing to be versatile and flexible, but don't bust my balls if it isn't perfect right away. Also remember that everyone has a different learning curve - perhaps yours is just a bit faster than mine. So be it - but don't you dare chastise me for not being on your level. I might just be having a bad day, and on a good day I just might "school" your ass. Be careful who you underestimate.


OK - it feels good to get that out - Whew! Maybe I should print that on the back of my business cards, eh? I probably won't get many calls then! Better to save it for the gigs and the musicians I play with. I think that I'm being reasonable and fair. I do take an interest in what you think, so if you have a comment, please fire away. Thanks!