Sunday, January 08, 2006

It's A SAD Situation...

A Possibility...
After reading Tabor's comment regarding my last post, I did some research to see if I have the classic winter blahs. The formal name for this is Seasonal Affective Disorder. It seems that this occurs due to the excessive production of melatonin in the brain. And to think that I actually have some melatonin pills in my cabinet! Those were left over from my travails with Geodon.

If The Shoe Fits...
Seems the symptoms are there - excessive eating, craving of sugary and starchy foods, and oversleeping. Lately, I have been sleeping 9-10 hours a day, and still getting sleepy later on. My mood isn't terrible, but it has a tinge of apathy and self-defeatist characteristics. I promised some friends that I would come over today, but I never made it there. I was going to call them and let them know that I'll come over tomorrow or Tuesday, but I never got to the point. One of them got angry with me for doing this before, and I can't blame her for that. She had made a nice dinner for all of us, and I never even gave the courtesy of a phone call. She knows that I struggle with depression quite frequently, but thinks to a degree that "it's all in my head." She doesn't understand...

Remedies...
They range from getting outside for an hour a day, to using full spectrum light therapy. I promised my therapist that I would go for an hour walk every day. Well, I did go out for a walk on Friday, and I felt invigorated after that. I guess that I was so wiped out on Friday night, that I couldn't get up early enough to go for a walk on Saturday. The same goes for today. And so the cycle continues...or does it? It seems that I lack energy, and that it takes so much effort sometimes just to walk out that door. Sometimes it seems that I'd rather clean house than stick a foot outside!

Cocktail for One...
It's a challenge dealing with this AND having bipolar disorder at the same time. What I feel right now is not really sadness - it's more of an emptiness. I don't feel worthless, but I do feel that there is not much going on right now, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm the master of isolating myself from everyone and everything, and that just makes it worse.

Action!
I could pick up the phone and make some much-needed calls. I think that I will do that. It's almost 9 o'clock, but that's ok. To sit here and just stare at the wall (or the screen) is not going to help much. After all, why did i choose to take a shower about an hour ago? Here I sit, dressed and ready to go...nowhere. I could go to a local jam night, but I don't know if my buddies are going to be there. It's so complicated, and I'll go into it later. For now, I will look into things that I can do to ease these empty feelings. It's like taking the edge off the dullness. How paradoxical is that?

"This too, shall pass."

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