Sunday, June 26, 2005

If That Wasn't Enough...

And now...This...
To add injury to insult, my cell phone died an untimely death last night. I accidentally dropped it in water, thereby causing its innards to be virtually useless. Fortunately, I can still access the numbers that I've saved, and my voicemail can be accessed via another phone. Still, I feel even more cut off from the world. I'm waiting for an important call, and now it won't come. *Sigh*

Oh well...maybe this happened for a reason. I'm just not sure why though.

Status Report...And A Surprise!

Now for the Bad News...
Unfortunately, my pc is still down for the count. It appears that the power supply is the culprit. The sad thing is, I don't have enough money to buy a new one. They are usually included inside of a new case. I've had the same PC case since 1997! The guts inside have all changed, but the power supply is still the same one. I was expecting it to go sooner or later. This could explain why even after I defragged, virus and spyware scanned, that my 450 mhz PIII would run slower than my old 233 PII. That's pretty sad.

What Else?
Well, needless to say, Thursday was a terrible day, for the most part. Besides my pc going to hell, my VCR ate a favorite tape of mine, my roomies were asking when I'd have the rent, and something else... Oh yeah...Vocational Rehab basically won't help me find work until I get my anxiety issues worked out. I can't wait on them - I just have get out there and find work myself. This time not enlisting the aid of them when I have an axiety or panic attack. More on this later.

Later That Evening...
Well, due to all this, I was beginning to feel quite a bit more than just irritated. I could feel it all building up inside of me - waiting to burst forth and explode somewhere. I went to my group therapy session, and as usual, felt that I wasn't accepted, despite a few others to tell me that was not the case - and one of them even gave me a list of possible employers! I was really glad for this though. It gave me sights to shoot for. I will most certainly check them out. Besides this, I was feeling really out of my element, as I do when I try to talk about regular things with other people in a group setting.

What To Say...
I find it very hard to just blurt something out, though it is encouraged. My therapist noticed that I was quiet again, and did his best to find out why. I just told him that I was having a really bad day, and that things would be OK. Shortly after that, it seemed that I was getting the cold shoulder from most folks in the group. Instead of feeling bad about this, I began to feel angry, and it fed the feeling that I had been dealing with already. When I left, I nearly kicked my car sideways again when I pulled out onto the main road. It was then that I knew I was going to reach the second phase...somewhere that I haven't been in a very long time.

When I pulled into my driveway, I could feel the tension building quickly and ready to break at any second. I began to take my notes out of my car and head for the house, but I stopped dead in my tracks. It was then that a previous thought from an earlier conversation with one of my roomies set me off. He always like to throw it in my face that he has a girlfriend. That's just not cool. I choose not to have anyone in my life because I am way too unstable to maintain a relationship, and to put up with the baggage that comes with it. I've had enough head trips and the like for the rest of my lifetime. Perhaps I'm being unrealistic. Anyway, that totally set me off, and I began to hit and kick my car as hard as I could, yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs. I nearly jumped on top of the hood and started to scream some more.

Making Contacts...
This went on for nearly 10 minutes and I stopped abruptly. I noticed that I was trembling and I wanted to cry. I didn't, however - I stood there for a few more minutes, and decided that I needed to take a walk to cool down. I dialed up a very good friend of mine who lives quite far away now. She's always been there for me, and I am eternally grateful for this. She made me laugh several times, which is no easy task when I am furious. She has that ability which no one else has. After about a nice 15 minute walk, I was headed for home, and was feeing much better.

A Friend?

About 15 minutes later, my phone rings. I answer it, and it's her again. She said that a friend of hers is going to be at our gig tomorrow night, and he'll give me a hug from her. I was a little leery about that, but I went along with it. Honestly, I had totally forgotten about it on Friday night, when I came into the restaurant. But I did notice out of the corner of my eye, that there was a girl sitting at the bar, all by herself in the back, who seemed to be looking at me when I looked at her. I kept making eye contact from a distance, and thought to myself, "Now why would a pretty girl like that sit all by herself in this place?" I was thinking, "finally, someone is actually paying attention to me," which fueled me even more with a sense of curiosity.

Hello, Sexy!
I found an excuse to walk by her - I wanted to go up to the soundboard and make sure that everything was OK. I talked to the owner for a minute, glanced over at her again, and then I KNEW who she was! I looked over and got a really good look at her face - It was so familiar. I'd know that smile anywhere! We both looked at each other, smiling and immediately hugged each other for a long time. She gave me a little kiss on the neck too. WOW! She had moved away last year, got a good-paying job, and lost ALOT of weight! I thought that she was good looking before, but now she's a BABE!

Hot Damn!
She has turned into an extremely attractive woman - I can't deny that. We hung around and talked alot before I had to go onstage. I was so elated to see her! She had really surprised me! "So, you're the friend that was supposed to give me a hug, eh?" I asked her. "Pretty clever, huh?" She answered back. I just smiled and laughed. She said that after the day I had yesterday, and the fact that she was in town for some other occasion, she HAD to come and see me. I was so flattered by this. Of course, this fired me up for the gig! I played so passionately and tirelessly that we brought the house down! She was always impressed with my musical prowess - she says that every time she sees me, she is more impressed. Wow! What a compliment!

My "Girlfriend"
It's funny - many people at the bar thought that she was my girlfriend, because we were hugging each other for so long, and hanging onto each other. Such is not the case, however - we are very, very good friends, and we don't mind touching each other. OK - so not in THAT way. I would never want to screw up a friendship like ours - she's way too special. Truth be told that I could marry someone like her, but it just can't BE her. (Sigh)

I do miss our times together hanging out - getting a bite to eat, going shopping, or watching a movie. I used to come over to her grandma's house and visit her grandma, mother, and her brother. I was treated like family, and was always welcome to stop on by. They are like my second family - I would go over there for holiday dinners and birthday parties, or just to hang out and watch TV. During those times, it was nice to be able to put my worries aside and just enjoy myself.

Caring and Sharing...
She always makes sure that I was feeling OK, and does her best to cheer me up when I am down and out. She would notice that I was pretty stressed out, so I'd get treated to a massage - by the end of it, I was ready to just lay down for a nap! I felt so much at ease when we were together - there is such a special bond between us. I wouldn't trade it for the world! I've thought several times of moving out where she is - she seems so much happier there than she was here.

I'd Be Gone, But...
It seems alot of people feel this way. If it wasn't for the band and possible success somewhere down the line (and a lack of funds as well,) I would get a U-Haul and move out there. I know that I would be more than OK out there, but it would be a huge step for me. Maybe one day I'll do it, when I am sure that I am ready.

I Like This!
So here I sit now...still pretty happy and enjoying it. We are going to get together again before she leaves town on Monday. I look foward to this as well. It will be nice to catch up on old times and the like. We both missed each other more than words can say. Those hugs and kisses made me feel warm inside, and very special. She brought a huge ray of sunshine into my life again! After the week I was having, I needed that! THANK YOU!!!!

A quick note:
It seems that my audio posting capabilities will be on hold for a little while - either my phone died (long story,) or it got turned off. I was behind on payments, so maybe that's why I can't get a signal. I'm not sure yet. The phone is still recovering from its mishap, so we'll see what happens. I'm crossing my fingers, and I hope that you do too. I have a feeling that it will all work out eventually, as it usually does. There is a calm AFTER the storm as well.

What Have I Been Doing?
As far as daily activities go, since the pc is down, I've been doing my household duties, going for walks, swimming, blowing the dust off of my tapes, and recording some great albums (yes, VINYL,) that I just received from Creepyking in the mail a week ago. He has excellent taste in music, I must say. I thoroughly enjoyed both Nektar albums (Remember The Future, and Magic Is A Child,) 10cc ( Live and Let Live,which I've been searching YEARS for), and the last one - Wishbone Ash (Live Dates Volume Two.)

Hi-Fi Heaven!
They all have been receiving constant rotation on my turntable. I have them all recorded to open reel tape. They sound so good, let me tell you! I had forgotten just how great Wishbone Ash really is! They are such a tight band, and really know how to rock out! The album was such a pleasant surprise. Thanks again, Creepyking! You will get what I promised you in return. I would listen to it again right now, but I'm at my buddy's place, staying the night. Actually, I could walk home and do it, but I don't want to wake anyone that may be sleeping on the couch. Besides, I'm surounded by guitars, amps, and two comfy couches that are calling out my name.

Top Form...
Tonight's jam here was great, and it made me realize that I'm not the one-trick pony guitar player that I thought I was! I do have quite an arsenal at my disposal, but I guess I do get a bit nervous on the stage. This is only true for playing guitar, not bass. I don't feel nearly as much pressure. It seems to make sense. But, as time rolls on, I'm going to let more and more of my true self shine through with the guitar playing. We tuned an old Strat to open G tuning for slide work, something I've always messed with, but never ontstage. I feel that I'm ready to bring it out and have some fun! Think Sonny Landreth, or Lowell George, and you'll get the idea! I just hope that at least a few guys know some Little Feat songs! If not, I'll just go off in some crazy jam, not knowing where it will end up. I like that though - it keeps things fresh and exciting!

That's All The Time We Have For Now...
Well, I guess it's time for me to lay down for a while, and get some well-deserved rest. I spent the afternoon in our pool and laid on the deck, so I'm pretty crisp. Hell, at this rate, I might even get a tan! Wish me luck! I'll keep in touch as much as I can until I get my pc up and running again. But please, remember this: Yes, Folks - There IS life after the PC and/or Internet!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Sunday, June 19, 2005

10.5 Inches of Fun...

Wait A Minute!!!
I know what you're thinking - this is alluding to something sexual. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's not. (laugh) It's referring to a tape that I'm listening to now, a reel that was recorded sometime about 1986. It's one of those big monsters, rolling at a slow speed (3.75 inches per second) which makes for 3 hours per side of non-stop music. It was a great party tape. Anyway...I know I'm obssessed with vintage stuff - living in the past. When people tell me that I'm too young for that, I let out a little chuckle, and walk away.

Previous Rant
I promised to go into detail of my stance toward authority figures. Here goes. I know that we need some order and rules within our lives, because human nature is to go too far in one way or another. We need some set rules or boundaries to keep us under control. As children, we needed this in order for us to grow and assume responsibility within our lives - I won't argue there. What really bugs me is the continual micro-chasm of laws, ordinances and the like. They refine and specify even moreso all the time.

Light Pollution!
Did you know that there is a such thing as LIGHT POLLUTION? This organization was started to advocate laws regarding this "crime!" One of the towns in my area has actually passed an ordiance regarding this unspeakable sin. If you have one of these night lights outside your door with an infra-red sensor, you'd better turn it off, or face the risk of a fine. I mean, a noise ordinance is bad enough (my band almost got fined at one of the jam nights,) but COME ON! What's next? A dirty looks ordinance? God help me, but if this world gets too "careful," like a Utopian society, I'm definitely going to be one of the bad guys. I'd be like Wesley Snipes in "Demolion Man," racking up demerits. I guess that I'm a terrorist now, eh? Take me to the prison camps and torure me merciilessly.

Don't Ask...It's Illegal!
Seriously, if they keep passing all these damn laws, that's what it's going to come to. Who are they to decide what's best for ME? Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't we supposed to have freedom and rights in this country? Once again, it's all about balancing that scale I referred to a few months ago. Did you know that in some parts of New York that it's actually illegal to spit anywhere on the streets or sidewalks? Yes, they actually enforce it! It's funny - if you do some research, you will find that there are indeed some stupid laws on the books. However, many of them aren't enforced anymore, due to the absurdity of them. Still, every day, someone whines about something (actually an interest group lobbies for it,) and a really pathetic law gets passed eventually - I HATE THAT! (in an Andy Rooney sort of voice.)

Vulgar Display of Power...
Another thing that really irks me is when authorities go overboard with enforcing laws - the police man who writes you several tickets and has the GALL to tell you to have a nice day. Tell him to fuck off, and he'll haul you in! You know what? If I knew that I was getting hauled in, I'd certainly make it worth my while and kick his ass! Aggravated assault? What? Nope - I'm a mental case, of course pleading temporary insanity. Trust me - it works.

Homeowner's Associations...
Still, some other folks in authoritative positions take it to the extreme. How many of you live where there is a homeowners association? I'm talking about those prim and proper subdivisions, (gated communties even,) where almost everyone is pretty much affluent and very snobby. They whine about things like TV antennas, people working on their cars, and HOW TALL THE GRASS IS! I've heard stories where they actually fine people for that. Sad thing is, they do have some power, because of the contract that you have to sign before moving into that neighborhood. Here are a few examples of what I am talking about. People have had cars towed away, and admonished for oil spots on their driveway. It just makes me SICK!

How I Feel...
The more I read about these types of people, the more I want to make their perfect little lives a complete hell. Don't even THINK about towing away my Hemi Cuda that is sitting by the garage, patiently waiting for paint and a new engine! If you don't like my 150 foot radio tower in my backyard, DON'T LOOK AT THE FUCKING THING! Sure, I"ll mow my grass, but it's not going to be perfect, I can assure you. What's that? You guys don't like the color that I've painted my house? TOO FUCKING BAD - DEAL WITH IT! Don't like my music playing just a little too loud? Turn up your stereo/tv or just close the windows!

Most of all GET A FUCKING LIFE, OK? It's people like YOU that make this country a hell to live in. You and your gated communities thinking that you're better than everyone else. Before you came along, I used to ride my motorcyle out in those fields, having a blast in my youth! Now you took it away - thanks, you money-grubbing developers and real-estate agents! Now we have 10 or more acres of $300,000+ homes with these "perfect" people living in them - guaranteed to have a Mercedes or a Hummer in the driveway. Gee, I think that I'll crash the gates on my Honda dirtbike and turf some yards - what do you think? I kindly raise my middle finger to you - you Utopian scum-sucking pigs! GET A LIFE!!!!!

Taking A Stand...
I'm not going to apologize for all this. If you happen to be one of those people that I just described, then please, take it to heart and grill me! I'll get the satisfaction of know that I've pissed you off, or even better, that I've OFFENDED you (the ULTIMATE sin in today's politcally correct world.) Granted, I know that not all affluent folks are in this category - as a result I respect you immensely. I think that it's possible to have alot of money and still be down- to-Earth.

A good example is my sister - she happens to be a lawyer, and a damn good one at that! She makes quite a bit of money, but doesn't flaunt it, nor is she of that snobby stereotype. She's a good woman, with a good head on her shoulders. Her husband happens to be a full-on hillbilly, has a full set of tools in the garage, and does alot of mechanical work. Once again, I respect him as well. Damn, I wish that he'd let me drive that Ram with the Hemi in it! Oh well...
I just won't let him drive mine. ;) Think of Nash Bridges and you'll know what I'm talking about!

As for me, I'm just going to sit here and listen to the rest of Side One of this kick ass tape! I have a really funny story regarding my "dinosaur" later on! Then, I'm going to hop in my ride, kick it sideways pulling out of the driveway (tires blazing,) and blast down the main drag. I need to show those kids in their Mustangs who's boss. Watch my taillights fade to black...

Taillights Fade
by Buffalo Tom

Sister can you hear me now
The ringing in your ears
I'm down on the ground
My luck's been dry for years

I'm lost in the dark
And I feel like a dinosaur
Broken face and broken hands
I'm a broken man

I've hit the wall
I'm about to fall
But I'm closing in on it
I feel so weak
On a losing streak
Watch my taillights fade to black

I read a thing about this girl
She was a hermit in her world
Her story was much like mine
She could be my valentine

And although we've never met
I won't forget her yet
She cut herself off from her past
Now she's alone at last

I feel so sick
Lost love's last licks
But I'm closing down on it
I feel so weak
On a losing streak
Watch my taillights fade to black

Lost my life in cheap wine
Now it's quiet time
Cappy Dick nor Jesus Christ
Could not help my fate

But I'm underneath a gun
I'm singing about my past
Had myself a wonderful thing
But I could not make it last

I've hit the wall
I'm about to fall
But I'm closing in on it
I feel so small
Underneath it all
Watch my taillights fade to black
..Watch my taillights fade
..Watch my taillights fade
..Watch my taillights fade

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I Want To Rant, But I Cant!

Times like this are frustrating! I have alot of things that I could rant about, but my thoughts are all over the place, and I'm "rattled!" When that happens, I tend to focus on the anger and not much else. This makes it next to impossible to come up with any coherent thoughts. Honestly, in moments like this, I'm used to getting physical and taking out my aggression (like a barbarian.)

Think of that poor Muppet on Sesame Street (named Don Music,) that used to try to write a song, but would always hit a snag because he couldn't find the word to rhyme - He'd bang his head on the piano and scream. Today, I am that guy! Maybe I should have someone video tape my antics so that I can post them here. Of course, I would leave them raw and uncut, just for your amusement.

Let's just say that I have alot on my mind, and it concerns the constant pathetic evolution of the human race. When I'm ready, I'll come back and say what's on my mind. Beware, those of you who are sensitive, self-righteous, judgemental, or who happen to be authority figures - you might not like what you see.

this is an audio post - click to play

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The Wedding, The Gig, and Other Things...

Yes, I know I'm late posting about the details of what went down at the wedding, but I truly did not have much to say for a few days. As a matter of fact, the last few postings were just something to keep me posting actively. Anyway, here's what the scenario consisted of:

The wedding itself lasted only an hour. It was a very brief Catholic ceremony - short and to the point. I think that many people were relieved that the bride and groom wanted it this way. I'm not religious by any mean, nor am I an atheist - however, I don't believe that you have to go through what seems endless rounds of prayer and song during a wedding ceremony. Besides this, your legs, knees, and feet get tired from having to get up and sit down repeatedly. Admittedly, I can NEVER stay awake during a sermon - they put me to sleep! I still don't know what to make of that yet. I guess I just get so bored...yawn...

The reception started 2 hours after the wedding ceremony ended. On the way there, that feeling of dread was in the pit of my stomach. I knew that one of my ex-girlfriends was going to be there at the very least. What I didn't know is that I would see someone from my past (from about 15 years ago,) that I wasn't expecting. Honestly, I could have done without seeing him too, as he betrayed my trust as a friend, through being a thief. I'm not sure whether to forgive him for what he did or not. It's not unspeakable, but he did betray my trust. Again, I ask...

What Would You Do?

Dealing with my ex-girlriend was easy - I didn't say a word to her. She was with her ex-husband (who she kept going back to, in spite of the fact that he abuses her, ) so I just imagined that they weren't even there. I thought about saying hello, but it wasn't neccessary. I made my rounds, talking to my friends that attended, and avoided strangers at all costs. It's very hard for me to make small talk with people that I don't know, or people that I haven't seen in a long time. As usual, I felt out of place and that I stuck out like a sore thumb in the reception hall. It's very strange when nearly all your friends are at the wedding party table, and you end up sitting at a table with folks that you don't even know. I decided to to to their table and socialize. I found comic relief at least, which helped to ease the tension I was feeling.

Funny Stuff
The wedding party was asked to enter the lobby for their pictures. I waited silently for everyone to come back. That few minutes felt like 30 minutes to me. Suddenly, I heard some very familiar music come across the PA system. It was WWE wrestler Kurt Angle's entrance theme! If you follow wrestling at all, you know that when Kurt enters with that music, everyone chants, "YOU SUCK....YOU SUCK....YOU SUCK..." to the beat of the music. This happened without fail, of course. The wedding party was chanting it as the bride and groom entered the hall. This was just the beginning of a very unorthodox evening, or at least the taste that I got!

Chaos Rampant!
Needless to say, as the drink flows, the party goes right there with it. I found myself comfortable enough to crack some jokes, which were actually pretty funny. Sometimes I have this ability to make others laugh - other times, the jokes are too "inside" for anyone to get. I should have written them down on a napkin or something. My old friend "G" was there, and his thing is to point out the fact that I am bald. I just retorted that I don't need to look like a caveman anymore, and that I was a member of The Elite. This got quite a few laughs, and made me feel really good! Everyone was dancing, and having a great time - some playing pranks on one another as they danced. I remember laughing hysterically many times. I haven't done that in a long, long time, and it felt great. It's true - laughter is one of the best medicines that you can use.

Time Flies...
I mingled with some other friends for a little while longer. I glanced at my watch and noticed that it was nearly nine o'clock. This meant that I had to leave for the gig. Reluctantly, I grabbed my change of clothes, said my farewells, and headed up north. When I got to the gig, the guys were waiting for me - they had everything set up, ready to go. All I needed to do was a simple tune-up of my guitars, and I was on my way.

The Gig
We didn't have much of a crowd at first - just the usual friends and family that would come out to see us. That consisted of about a dozen or so people in the beginning. The first set was pretty good - the only real trouble we had was tweaking the PA, since we didn't have a sound man. We did manage to get it dialed in, without too many attacks of ear-splitting feedback (always a plus!) I had sore fingers that were still recovering from a few weeks ago, but I managed to get past the pain, and to use them to their full capabilities. I guess eating fried chicken before a gig (ala Jaco Pastorius) does have an advantage! The other sets went pretty well too, aside from a few minor setbacks. These will always happen, and they aren' t worth mentioning. One of the waitresses (who I admittedly have a crush on,) sat down to watch us play when she wasn't doing her rounds. I always feel flattered when someone takes the time to watch us play. This fuels me even more, which turns up the intensity to yet another level. Pretty soon, I'm so 'jacked up' that I hate to come down from that stage!

All in all, another great gig. We kicked ass and took names. We managed to hold the crowd until the end. For any band, this a great accomplishment. It means that you do make an impact, and that people do listen to you. It's such a great feeling to have someone come up to you after you have played your heart out - to compliment the band and especially yourself. I guess I feed off of that quite a bit.

For those few hours, I feel that I am above average, and I'm not afraid to go "off the wall" doing things like dance while I play, jump around, play behind my back, or make these hilarious faces that I wouldn't ordinarily be caught making. It's a totally "carte blanche" moment for me, and I just do whatever I feel like doing. I see alot of "Jaco" in myself, but I'm not ready to do backflips off of my amp (Yet!)

It's funny - put a bass in my hand, and I'm not afraid of anything. Take it away, however, and I'm a totally different person. I dread saying this, but it is true - if I'm not playing my music, or doing something related to production or recording, I'm basically miserable. That doesn't mean that I'm miserable all the time - If I make myself go out for a walk, go visit family and friends, or socialize with the roomies, I do tend to feel better. By force of habit, I tend to self-isolate. I'm so used to being alone that I don't think about it, at least for a while. Keeping yourself company tends to be sickening after a while, because you know what's coming up next, and there is no variety. The lack of interaction is extremely boring, and the novelty wears off quite quickly. You need someone to bounce ideas off of, to support you in your endeavors, and to be there for you in times of need. It's also great to be there for them when they need you, no matter how insignificant or important the situation is.

I'll admit, I'm still learning how to give back to people, and to hear their side of the situation. I have yet to become comfortable enough to offer suggestions or advice based on my experiences. All in due time, this will come about. For now, it's all about learning the ropes in life - things that I didn't really learn much about while growing up.

Jaco - RIP, buddy. You're sorely missed.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Let's Go Back In The Wayback Machine...

Welcome to WANK Radio - circa 1996

A good friend of mine just sent me this picture about a week ago. It's a picture of the second incarnation of my first real pirate radio station - WANK Radio 87.9 FM. I actually had more tied up in the studio equipment than the transmitter itself! Still, I was very thrifty, and made do with what I had (notice the turntables?)

Technology in 1996
The computer was a "State-of-The-Art" Packard Bell. I believe that it was a 486! I tried to use it to edit audio, but the technology was still fairly primitive at that time. I was still doing my editing via the two Revox open reel decks on the right. I was well versed in the art of using razor blades (to edit tape, of course.) My friends thought that I was a lunatic - they just smiled and nodded as I went along cutting and pasting the bits and pieces of tape together. Of course, if you've been following me for quite some time now, you know what my stance is regarding technology - that goes without saying.

Let's Try This...
Lots of folks were confused as to why a 22-year old kid was using those "dinosaurs," when cassettes with great recording quality were readily available. They just didn't get it. You have to be a true hi-fi geek to truly appreciate my point of view. To prove my point, pull the tape out of a cassette's shell. Now, get a razor blade - cut through the tape, and lay it flat on the table. OK - now comes the fun part! I want you to put it back together so that there is no click or pop at that edit point. What's that? Impossible you say? Not really - but it is a pain in the ass! OK - I proved my point. And just to be a nice guy, I'll even splice the cassette back together for you.

I'm not sure if this is all a totally coherent thought, but the picture really inspired it. I'm just having another nostalgia headtrip. Ahh....the good ol' days! Where are Mr Peabody and Sherman when you need them? Perhaps they are on the TV now...

The Dancing Horse...

I found this by accident, while looking for funny animal pictures. I'm sure that you'll enjoy it too. The illustrations are quite amusing, but the fables themselves are even more so. Forgive the dated nature of the writing (with phrases that are somewhat archaic by today's standards.) You might have to do some googling to find out what he's talking about. Sullivant still gets his point across effectively, with the illustrations. Anyway... Have fun!

I think that the cover illustration would be a great cover photo for my next CD side project. It's also my WALLPAPER OF THE WEEK! Yes, I know I'm weird.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Time for a laugh...

You could only imagine what's going through this little kitty's head right now...

Hey, ariK, you think that Penny would like that? LOL!

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Yay! It worked!

As you can see, I sometimes post an audioblogger entry. I like to say what's on my mind, "on the go," literally. Thoughts come to me while driving, waiting in line, or in between sets. I love to have that spur-of-the-moment ability to jot down that idea that is brewing in my mind. Since the batteries in my trusty microcassette recorder died, I've been using the audioblogger feature more often. Now, instead of having boxes full of microcassettes, I'll have CD-R's full of my audioblog entries! How conveeeeeenient! Don't be afraid to give them a listen - sometimes I have something introspective to say, other times it's very heartfelt, and sometimes it's just a rant about something (ala Andy Rooney!)

More details tomorrow about Saturday's events!

Click and Listen!

this is an audio post - click to play


What Day Is It?
I know it is (was) Friday. I swear, if I don't wear a watch that has a day/date function on it, I'm lost! For me it is somewhere between Friday and Saturday; meaning that it's still Friday night to me and it will be Saturday whenever I wake up. I've lived by this rule for as long as I can remember. The new day starts after going to sleep and waking up. Period.

Lots Going On!!!
Wow! what a busy day tomorrow! Roomies are getting married at 2pm, the reception is at 5pm, AND (yes, there's more...) I have to be at the gig to set up around 8pm. Suffice it to say, but I am really curious just how smoothly things are going to run. I expect a few snags. But there's more to it than that.

Weddings and Other Social Gatherings...
I'll be honest - for one, I'm not too crazy about weddings, funerals, and the like. I always feel very uncomfortable. I am totally out of my element attempting to make small talk with people. If it doesn't concern a passion of mine, I'm pretty much in the dark as far as what to discuss. Many people find that I am a little too intense to talk to sometimes. My views appear to be somewhat radical and even militant when it comes to politics and such.

I also dread running into people that I don't care to see - ex girlfriends, people I don't get along with, etc. If I see someone I don't like, chances are pretty good that I'm going to try to avoid them, or there could be some problems. I know that if they provoked me, there certainly would be a confrontation, that would almost escalate into a fight or brawl. It's happened before on more than one occasion. This is the very reason I was such a jerk at my sister's wedding. I still feel awful for the way I behaved, and what I put everyone else through. I do have some anger issues that remain in my life - however, I am working on them constantly. I'll delve into those later...

I did it again - I got my mind thinking of possible "confrontations" and as a result, I got excited about it (and not in a good way!) Odds are in favor of nothing happening, so I guess I get all revved-up for nothing. My mind just conjures up these scenarios, and I play them through my head, literally "pre-living" them, thinking about every possible angle, just so that I can be "ready." It's basically getting psyched-up for absolutely nothing. *sigh*

Somehow, it will be all right. The wedding will be fine, and the reception will go over well. Of course, I won't drink a drop, and I'll be out of there by 7pm - that way I have plenty of time to get to the gig and help with the set up. I'm going to try to spread the word, and get the wedding party to come out and party at the gig also. Is that selfish to do that, or is it okay? I'm still debating on the ethics of that.

And for those who've commented on my last post - thank you very much. I will be in contact with you via email. I have not forgotten you at all. I will take the time to correspond with you and listen to what you have to say - any ideas, suggestions, or criticisms that you may have. For now, it's off to bed for a few hours, so that I can function as a human tomorrow! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Some People
by The Fixx

Some people make it
Some people try
Some people break it
Some people cry
Some people lose it
Some people find
Some people lead us
And some are behind

It's a slow slow break up

That's what we find
It's a so so make up
Make up your mind
It's a slow slow break up
That's what we find
It's a so so make up
Make up your mind

What is the point of being amused

I see the people standing abused
They keep their faces buried in hands
They keep their plates clean
But underneath...

Some people drink gin

Some people dry
Some people drive cars
And some people fly
Some people take trains
Some people walk
Some people hold it
And some people talk

It's a slow slow break up

That's what we find
It's a so so make up
Make up your mind

What is the point of being amused

I see the people standing abused
They keep their faces buried in hands
They keep their plates clean
But underneath...

They like to fly with the jetsetters

They want to be with the go-getters
And then the moment comes around
Once again we'll find
He's taking pills and drink just
To find his peace of mind

Some people do it

Some people won't
Some people do da
Some people don't
Some people Liepzig
Some people Prague
Some people lucid
And some people vague

It's a no go faker

That's what we find
It's a no no taker
What's on your mind
It's a no go faker
That's what we find
It's a no no taker
What's on your mind

What is the point of being amused

I see the people standing abused
They keep their faces buried in hands
They keep their plates clean
But underneath...

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

So Much For The Afterglow...

Well, so much for any of the positive affirmations that I wanted to stick in my mind. I've come to realize over the past few days at my new job that they want someone who can catch on instantly and be able to do it all in a short amount of time. I know that I'm not the one for them. I've also come to the conclusion, that for all practical purposes, I am unemployable. It seems no matter what work-type situation I get into, stress just undermines everything.

In the creative world, I'm a mad genius and I'm totally in the zone. Out in the real world, I'm a complete moron who has ZERO life skills. I guess in the eyes of non-creative, average-intelligence people, I could be considered stupid. In my mind, there's no such thing as common sense. Nothing is simple, it's all very intricate and complicated. A simple thing such as backing up a truck into a driveway for refueling becomes a nearly impossible task. I look like a complete moron in the process. I equal being a moron to being a bad person, a loser, someone who will never get anywhere.

I know that anxiety has alot to do with that. I do let it spiral out of control. However, when I make a mistake, I don't get mad at myself anymore - I just feel envious of those who can do things better than I can. In the end, I just resign myself to the fact that I can't do it, and that's just all there is to it. I never learn, and make the same mistakes, sometimes two or three times in a row, even with "simple" things.

Maybe it's just the fact that I can't work these regular jobs. My mind is simply not geared towards simple things, such as:
Take item and deliver to certain area. (What if I get lost?)
Fight traffic to get to area. (What if I get into an accident?)
Deal with customer (What if he's a jerk?)
Remove heavy item from vehicle. (I'm a wimp!)
Collect payment (Maybe he'll screw me over and trick me)
Return to shop (Maybe I'll get reamed for screwing up)
I've lost something (Get reamed again)
Screw up again (Eventually get fired)

Now you know what goes on in my mind. I know that it's human to make mistakes, but there are some things (such as the aforementioned,) that I simply won't excuse. If it's a big mistake, I want to run and hide. I've done this several times. I was once at a job where I was filling a tanker truck full of ammonia. I couldn't get to the valve to shut it off in time, and it spilled onto the floor. I panicked and ran up a very high catwalk and hid in the rafters for nearly two hours. My foreman had to talk me down ( I think he was worried that I was going to jump off the side of the catwalk - it was about 50 feet in the air.)

Anyway, I guess I'm going to just come to terms that I am faced with a very steep learning curve in most aspects of life, and act as such. I believe this to be some sort of learning disability. I think that warrants disability pension, don't you?

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Moving On....

That Moment...
Well, I think I finally am ready to move on with my life. I just got a new job, the band is really starting to take off, and life is getting easier day by day. I am very aware of my emotions when I awaken, and can put them into perspective. I am able to tell myself, "Hey, stop getting so down, man. Just because you've lost touch with some folks doesn't mean that it's the end of the world." Indeed it doesn't. We just solider on, no matter what!

Some people stay in our lives for a while; others seem to be around for only a glimpse. No matter what the duration, we seek help and advice from them, and even return the favor when the need arises for them. Remember - if they don't contact you for a while, it doesn't mean that they don't want to talk to you; it's just that they have a life of their own. Be respectful of that - their world does NOT revolve around you. I've had to tell myself this many times. It's finally starting to sink in.

I've also just learned to say, "Ok, time to move on. My life does not revolve around this person and their life." Yes, there is a hurt feeling that accompanies it, but you have to get over that. You have to be your own person. You have to have an identity. Your very existence is not contingent upon the other person. I suppose that it's very easy for me to say because I am single and don't have anyone in my life at the moment. I surmise that won't happen for a long, long time. But that's another story for another day.

Yes, I feel strong enough right now to be able to function normally, and not fall back into depression and anxiety. I realize that this could happen at any time. I also realize that there are coping skills that I can use to keep myself going. I don't have to be consumed by those feelings, fears, and emotions. As a friend once said, "it's hard to tell which emotions are real and which ones are generated by the disorder." It's amazing how it can color your world and make you see things totally different than they really are. You always see the negative first, and if it's not a negative situation, it soon will be. Of course, the emotions will soon follow and bathe you in self-pity, sorrow, anger, hurt, remorse, jealousy, etc. The real challenge is to say to yourself, "I feel fine - these feelings are not real; they do not exist!" It's the same strategy that Freddy Krueger's victims learned to use in the Nightmare On Elm Street movies. "I don't believe in you! You're not real!"

The Challenge...
Indeed, it is much easier said than done. I won't argue with that. You really have to dig deep within yourself and find that inner voice that says, "I don't want to live this way anymore. I've subjected myself to this for way too long!" If you look hard enough, you will find it. Once you find it, take a hold of it, and don't let go! Hold on to it no matter how hard those emotions try to knock you off course and pull you under. Yes, there will be bad days - everyone has those. You just have to remember what you told yourself - what that little voice is saying. The real challenge is to keep that in mind on those days when you don't feel like getting out of bed, or functioning in daily life. I know that feeling. I've been there many times myself.

I won't deny that there is a tinge of nervousness within me, and it's trying it's best to hold me back. That's my internal protection mechanism - designed to keep me from harm, no matter what the consequence. In this instance, I remember a guided imagery tape that had the following affirmation. "Thank you for all that you have made me aware of in my life. I am now able to see these things for myself. You can go now." I can't allow that self-protection mechanism to "protect" me anymore. It served me well as a child and into my adult years, but I no longer need it. I have to use more effective coping skills and on a daily basis. Putting them into practice will be no easy task, but it's definitely worth it. Just like anything else - when you learn something, you practice it as much as you can, until it becomes second-nature. Sooner or later, you become a "virtuoso" with that skill.

As a bonus, you learn to use that skill in just about any given situation in life. You begin to see that you can indeed be versatile. This goes for my musical ability most of all. I am generally able to get through anything that people throw at me. I would honestly say that about 85% of the time, I am confident in my abilities to be that solid anchor that they require. The end result impresses alot of people! Hell, it impresses me as well! The other 15% are situations that are on a completely different level. This is not to say that they are impossible, but they do require alot of practice. Classical, Jazz, and Fusion come to mind. Talk about music styles that cause you to adapt to change fast! Now, take that adaptability and apply it to life - and learn the hard stuff on your own time.

I Am A Rock
by Simon & Garfunkel

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

You don't have to be a rock or an island - just be a strong human being.

Friday, June 03, 2005


Well, I changed the name of the blog. I got tired of the "daily introspection." After a while, it seemed to portray me as a weak and vulnerable person. This is not reccommended operating procedure, folks. If you portray yourself as weak and vulnerable, people will treat you as such. You will go through life a victim, and once again be treated accordingly.

Nothing Unusual
I admit that I am struggling my way through life, emotions, financial difficulties and the like. It's a common problem for many of us. The trouble is, some of us let it get us down. I know I'm tired of living like this; it's time for a change. I've allowed myself to settle for inferior conditions quite a bit in my life. For two and a half years, I allowed myself to live in virtual filth and despair. I've now reached the point where I can't anymore - I deserve better than that.

The Last Straw
I'm tired of sleeping on two mattresses on my floor and using a sleeping bag as a blanket. I'm tired of wearing clothes that are nearly 10 years old. Most of all, I'm sick of this emotional tape loop that I seem to be living. You'd think that as many times as I've been through all this, I'd finally get sick of it and destroy that tape. I'll admit, it has served me well in keeping "safe" in life. Now it's time to erase it and start over. Better yet, throw the damn thing away!

Emotions: How They Can Ruin Your Life
How so? Well, for one, they can make you see everything in a certain way - mine being in a nearly complete negative slant. I find myself preparing for situations that never come about. I've done this three times in the past month. One being a possible confrontation with a former band member; two being a possible confrontation with a present band member; and three, the possibility of getting kicked out of my living quarters.

Suffice it to say, none of these ever happened, and I was relieved yet drained after each one. It's amazing how your mind can think of a scenario, build upon it, and make it as real to you as anything else. Of course you go through the motions with your anger and frustration. And when you get to that area of possible conflict? NOTHING! What do you do with all that adrenaline? It doesn't just dissipate immediately. I get a relieved feeling, but soon become depressed. Depression is pretty much the "modus operandi" for me anyway. It's getting old fast!

Do I Sound Angry?
You bet! I'm angry with myself for the self-punishment and torment. I'm angry with myself for believing in and immersing in these negative thoughts within my life. But (and a BIG but here, foks,) I'm not going to call myself an idiot, moron, or think "how could you do that?" Nope, I'm going to say, "well, next time I won't act the same way I always do." Life is a big trial-and-error experiment. You try different things along the way. If one approach doesn't work, you try another; and another; and another... kind of like the Energizer Bunny. You just keep going, and going, and going, and going.... If you stop, your "batteries will soon be depleted and you will go into a "dead" state. That dead state is depression. It's time for a recharge!

I've let this damn disorder ruin my life, and take me prisoner. I've let it destroy relationships and chances to advance in career opportunities. I've allowed it to color my world dark and dreary, and to feed me negative, yet comforting thoughts. It seems now that I've reached that threshold in my life where I just won't take it anymore. Sometimes that just what it takes to get back on your feet again. As William Holden said in the movie "Network," "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

I realize that I am making tremendous progress! One of the key things that I noted was that songs that used to make me cry, don't have that effect on me anymore. I seem to be immune to that now. I have to remember that it's only music, not a way of life. I don't have to be in that "emotional ghetto" anymore. I'm taking out the trash, and anything (or anyone) that stands in my way, is going as well. Goodbye and good riddance!

Over the past few months, I have literally poured my heart out in this damn blog. I have subjected myself to negative emotions, and reacted accordingly. I have wallowed in the throes of self-pity, pain, and sorrow. Along the way, several friends and unknown folks have sympathized, offered their points of view, and great suggestions. I truly appreciate this, and hope that I can do the same for you. May the Lord bless you and keep you. I mean that with all sincerity. Now it's time to keep these things in mind as I traverse through the remainder of my life.

No, I'm not a born-again Christian. I believe in what I believe. I think that everyone is entitled to believe whatever they choose. That's what is supposed a founding principle of this country. I respect your beliefs - now you respect mine in return. I don't think any less of you, and so you should not of me. That's all there is to it.

Get Back On The Wagon!
Now it's time to go out there, and "Live With Passion," as Anthony Robbins would say. If you're suffering from depression and hopelessness, just go outside and let the warm rays of the sun touch down upon you. Try to find something to do, like go for a walk, a bicycle ride, or do some yardwork. Gardening and lawn maintenance are excellent things to occupy your time. If you sit and do nothing, you will feel worse and worse. If you have household chores that need finishing, do them! Do those dishes! Make that bed! Mop that floor! Don't allow yourself to live in squalor anymore. You deserve better than that, and so does your family.


By Starz

empty pockets, empty bed
empty bottles, empty head
the committe says shape up
or they'll fix me up quick enough

(We are with you everywhere
we protect you from yourself
we are watching)

I wanna rock & roll
NO! that's a violation
I wanna lose control
NO! that's a violation
I wanna love someone
NO! that's a violation
you better not try it

lousy jobs, down in holes
join the union, learn to bowl
lovely houses, of cement
the committee pays the rent


thank you for electing us
we appreciate your trust
there's a problem we're aware
that many of your children share
but we've developed new techniques
the process takes about two weeks
it's based upon electro-shock
a daily dose of microwatts
and when we're through
with what we do
we'll ship the beggar back to you
and then he'll be as good as new!

doctor says I'm
almost fine
and they'll let me out in time
I'm a very stubborn case
and my tape's not quite erased.

chorus 3x


Don't let "the committee" take control and ruin your life - whether it be the government, local law enforcement, or even depression. Take control - you're in charge!

Oh What A Lonely Boy...

If there was ever a song to describe my life, this would be the one. I heard it alot in my youth, and the words rang so true, and despite the dates, it's almost like I am the kid/man in the song.

Lonely Boy
By Andrew Gold

He was born on a summer day, 1951
And with the slap of a hand
He had landed as an only son
His mother and father said "what a lovely boy"
We'll teach him what we learned
Ah yes, just what we learned
We'll dress him up warmly and
We'll send him to school
It'll teach him how to fight
To be nobody's fool

Oh, oh, what a lonely boy
Oh, what a lonely boy
Oh, what a lonely boy

In the summer of '53 his mother
Brought him a sister
But she told him "we must attend to her needs"
"She's so much younger than you"
Well, he ran down the hall and he cried
Oh, how could his parents have lied
When they said he was an only son
He thought he was the only one

Oh, oh, what a lonely boy
Oh, what a lonely boy
Oh, what a lonely boy

[Instrumental Interlude]

He left home on a winter day, 1969
And he hoped to find all the love
He had lost in that earlier time
Well, his sister grew up
And she married a man
He gave her a son
Ah yes, a lovely son
They dressed him up warmly
They sent him to school
It taught him how to fight
To be nobody's fool

Oh, oh, what a lonely boy
Oh, what a lonely boy
Oh, what a lonely boy

Yep...that's the one. If you've never heard it, try to find it. It's a catchy song, and the LP version is much better than the single. You can hear Andrew's nice little guitar solo in it.

I still soldier on in this tunnel of darkness...but there's a light down there somewhere....somewhere....somewhere

Wednesday, June 01, 2005


Goodbye Stranger
by Supertramp

It was an early morning yesterday
I was up before the dawn
And I really have enjoyed my stay
But I must be moving on

Like a king without a castle
Like a queen without a throne
I’m an early morning lover
And I must be moving on

Now I believe in what you say
Is the undisputed truth
But I have to have things my own way
To keep me in my youth

Like a ship without an achor
Like a slave without a chain
Just the thought of those sweet ladies
Sends a shiver through my veins

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I’ll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

Goodbye strange it’s been nice
Hope you find your paradise
Tried to see your point of view
Hope your dreams will all come true
Goodbye mary, goodbye jane
Will we ever meet again
Feel no sorrow, feel no shame
Come tomorrow, feel no pain

Now some they do and some they don’t
And some you just can’t tell
And some they will and some they won’t
With some it’s just as well

You can laugh at my behavior
That’ll never bother me
Say the devil is my savior
But I don’t pay no heed

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I’ll never look behind me
My troubles will be few
Goodbye stranger it’s been nice etc...