Sunday, June 05, 2005

Moving On....

That Moment...
Well, I think I finally am ready to move on with my life. I just got a new job, the band is really starting to take off, and life is getting easier day by day. I am very aware of my emotions when I awaken, and can put them into perspective. I am able to tell myself, "Hey, stop getting so down, man. Just because you've lost touch with some folks doesn't mean that it's the end of the world." Indeed it doesn't. We just solider on, no matter what!

Some people stay in our lives for a while; others seem to be around for only a glimpse. No matter what the duration, we seek help and advice from them, and even return the favor when the need arises for them. Remember - if they don't contact you for a while, it doesn't mean that they don't want to talk to you; it's just that they have a life of their own. Be respectful of that - their world does NOT revolve around you. I've had to tell myself this many times. It's finally starting to sink in.

I've also just learned to say, "Ok, time to move on. My life does not revolve around this person and their life." Yes, there is a hurt feeling that accompanies it, but you have to get over that. You have to be your own person. You have to have an identity. Your very existence is not contingent upon the other person. I suppose that it's very easy for me to say because I am single and don't have anyone in my life at the moment. I surmise that won't happen for a long, long time. But that's another story for another day.

Yes, I feel strong enough right now to be able to function normally, and not fall back into depression and anxiety. I realize that this could happen at any time. I also realize that there are coping skills that I can use to keep myself going. I don't have to be consumed by those feelings, fears, and emotions. As a friend once said, "it's hard to tell which emotions are real and which ones are generated by the disorder." It's amazing how it can color your world and make you see things totally different than they really are. You always see the negative first, and if it's not a negative situation, it soon will be. Of course, the emotions will soon follow and bathe you in self-pity, sorrow, anger, hurt, remorse, jealousy, etc. The real challenge is to say to yourself, "I feel fine - these feelings are not real; they do not exist!" It's the same strategy that Freddy Krueger's victims learned to use in the Nightmare On Elm Street movies. "I don't believe in you! You're not real!"

The Challenge...
Indeed, it is much easier said than done. I won't argue with that. You really have to dig deep within yourself and find that inner voice that says, "I don't want to live this way anymore. I've subjected myself to this for way too long!" If you look hard enough, you will find it. Once you find it, take a hold of it, and don't let go! Hold on to it no matter how hard those emotions try to knock you off course and pull you under. Yes, there will be bad days - everyone has those. You just have to remember what you told yourself - what that little voice is saying. The real challenge is to keep that in mind on those days when you don't feel like getting out of bed, or functioning in daily life. I know that feeling. I've been there many times myself.

I won't deny that there is a tinge of nervousness within me, and it's trying it's best to hold me back. That's my internal protection mechanism - designed to keep me from harm, no matter what the consequence. In this instance, I remember a guided imagery tape that had the following affirmation. "Thank you for all that you have made me aware of in my life. I am now able to see these things for myself. You can go now." I can't allow that self-protection mechanism to "protect" me anymore. It served me well as a child and into my adult years, but I no longer need it. I have to use more effective coping skills and on a daily basis. Putting them into practice will be no easy task, but it's definitely worth it. Just like anything else - when you learn something, you practice it as much as you can, until it becomes second-nature. Sooner or later, you become a "virtuoso" with that skill.

As a bonus, you learn to use that skill in just about any given situation in life. You begin to see that you can indeed be versatile. This goes for my musical ability most of all. I am generally able to get through anything that people throw at me. I would honestly say that about 85% of the time, I am confident in my abilities to be that solid anchor that they require. The end result impresses alot of people! Hell, it impresses me as well! The other 15% are situations that are on a completely different level. This is not to say that they are impossible, but they do require alot of practice. Classical, Jazz, and Fusion come to mind. Talk about music styles that cause you to adapt to change fast! Now, take that adaptability and apply it to life - and learn the hard stuff on your own time.

I Am A Rock
by Simon & Garfunkel

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

You don't have to be a rock or an island - just be a strong human being.


ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

You're not going to abandon your blog, are you?!?!? PLEASE don't do that!!!

ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

Don't be nervous, as the song says, YOU are a rock. :)

Tabor said...

I listened to an interesting radio editorial on National Public Radio today from a person with bi-polar disorder. She talked about the tremendous pain and energy needed to control her life and live each day, but she also said she had come to a place in her life where she realized stability and safeness was for the boring people. Her illness gave her an edge and the passion to be more creative and see things more fully. I guess she sees the glass has half full.

Danny said...


Don't worry - I'm not going to abandon the blog. I'm just coming to terms with things in my life.

I'm learning a little moderation. Not enough to make it boring, but enough to function better in society, when I'm not on the stage. I am keeping a new mindset. When I am learning something, I am not an idiot - I am only a student, learning the lessons in life.

No matter what, I will continue the blog. Writing will always be a passion of mine, no matter how I feel. I do worry that I won't look as deeply within myself, but I think I can put that fear aside.


I totally agree. To take the edge off does seem to remove the dynamic of life, and therefore makes it somewhat mundane.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I wouldn't trade the highs for anything! The lows are just part of the package. The trick is to not let either end of the spectrum pull you totally in. You have to remain somewhat "down to Earth," in some respect.

I know that I will never fully be "cured," so I'm going to consider that a blessing and use it to its advantage - allowing it to feed my creativity and inspiration. It's just like anything else - you have good times, and you have bad times. I accept myself as I am, and only use the meds and therapy as a median to help me learn and grow - to overcome certain fears in my life, and to appreciate life itself just a little more.

Radin said...

I hope you make positive changes in your life. It is hard I know but you have what it takes. I can feel it when I read your blog. Gaining experience is something but putting it to work is something else. Put what you know into work. I realized action is more important than the moods.

ariadneK, Ph.D. said...