Well, so much for any of the positive affirmations that I wanted to stick in my mind. I've come to realize over the past few days at my new job that they want someone who can catch on instantly and be able to do it all in a short amount of time. I know that I'm not the one for them. I've also come to the conclusion, that for all practical purposes, I am unemployable. It seems no matter what work-type situation I get into, stress just undermines everything.
In the creative world, I'm a mad genius and I'm totally in the zone. Out in the real world, I'm a complete moron who has ZERO life skills. I guess in the eyes of non-creative, average-intelligence people, I could be considered stupid. In my mind, there's no such thing as common sense. Nothing is simple, it's all very intricate and complicated. A simple thing such as backing up a truck into a driveway for refueling becomes a nearly impossible task. I look like a complete moron in the process. I equal being a moron to being a bad person, a loser, someone who will never get anywhere.
I know that anxiety has alot to do with that. I do let it spiral out of control. However, when I make a mistake, I don't get mad at myself anymore - I just feel envious of those who can do things better than I can. In the end, I just resign myself to the fact that I can't do it, and that's just all there is to it. I never learn, and make the same mistakes, sometimes two or three times in a row, even with "simple" things.
Maybe it's just the fact that I can't work these regular jobs. My mind is simply not geared towards simple things, such as:
Take item and deliver to certain area. (What if I get lost?)
Fight traffic to get to area. (What if I get into an accident?)
Deal with customer (What if he's a jerk?)
Remove heavy item from vehicle. (I'm a wimp!)
Collect payment (Maybe he'll screw me over and trick me)
Return to shop (Maybe I'll get reamed for screwing up)
I've lost something (Get reamed again)
Screw up again (Eventually get fired)
Now you know what goes on in my mind. I know that it's human to make mistakes, but there are some things (such as the aforementioned,) that I simply won't excuse. If it's a big mistake, I want to run and hide. I've done this several times. I was once at a job where I was filling a tanker truck full of ammonia. I couldn't get to the valve to shut it off in time, and it spilled onto the floor. I panicked and ran up a very high catwalk and hid in the rafters for nearly two hours. My foreman had to talk me down ( I think he was worried that I was going to jump off the side of the catwalk - it was about 50 feet in the air.)
Anyway, I guess I'm going to just come to terms that I am faced with a very steep learning curve in most aspects of life, and act as such. I believe this to be some sort of learning disability. I think that warrants disability pension, don't you?