Wednesday, June 08, 2005

So Much For The Afterglow...

Sigh...
Well, so much for any of the positive affirmations that I wanted to stick in my mind. I've come to realize over the past few days at my new job that they want someone who can catch on instantly and be able to do it all in a short amount of time. I know that I'm not the one for them. I've also come to the conclusion, that for all practical purposes, I am unemployable. It seems no matter what work-type situation I get into, stress just undermines everything.

Incompetence...
In the creative world, I'm a mad genius and I'm totally in the zone. Out in the real world, I'm a complete moron who has ZERO life skills. I guess in the eyes of non-creative, average-intelligence people, I could be considered stupid. In my mind, there's no such thing as common sense. Nothing is simple, it's all very intricate and complicated. A simple thing such as backing up a truck into a driveway for refueling becomes a nearly impossible task. I look like a complete moron in the process. I equal being a moron to being a bad person, a loser, someone who will never get anywhere.

Anxiety
I know that anxiety has alot to do with that. I do let it spiral out of control. However, when I make a mistake, I don't get mad at myself anymore - I just feel envious of those who can do things better than I can. In the end, I just resign myself to the fact that I can't do it, and that's just all there is to it. I never learn, and make the same mistakes, sometimes two or three times in a row, even with "simple" things.


Maybe...
Maybe it's just the fact that I can't work these regular jobs. My mind is simply not geared towards simple things, such as:
Take item and deliver to certain area. (What if I get lost?)
Fight traffic to get to area. (What if I get into an accident?)
Deal with customer (What if he's a jerk?)
Remove heavy item from vehicle. (I'm a wimp!)
Collect payment (Maybe he'll screw me over and trick me)
Return to shop (Maybe I'll get reamed for screwing up)
I've lost something (Get reamed again)
Screw up again (Eventually get fired)

Summary
Now you know what goes on in my mind. I know that it's human to make mistakes, but there are some things (such as the aforementioned,) that I simply won't excuse. If it's a big mistake, I want to run and hide. I've done this several times. I was once at a job where I was filling a tanker truck full of ammonia. I couldn't get to the valve to shut it off in time, and it spilled onto the floor. I panicked and ran up a very high catwalk and hid in the rafters for nearly two hours. My foreman had to talk me down ( I think he was worried that I was going to jump off the side of the catwalk - it was about 50 feet in the air.)


Anyway, I guess I'm going to just come to terms that I am faced with a very steep learning curve in most aspects of life, and act as such. I believe this to be some sort of learning disability. I think that warrants disability pension, don't you?

4 comments:

Radin said...

Did you know that you are very skilful in analyzing things and speak about your thoughts. Not so many people are so much aware of what they are. It all lies within our personality. This personality thing is a combination of things that have been either forced upon us through life or we have adopted as first hand easy ways to cope with situations. Some of these methods have been picked up when we were children with no experience and having no one we could get help from. But these things are not fixed, inescapable things in our personality. Just think what the difference is between you and those who do the job correctly. As I said before you have all it takes to make changes plus the genius you see in yourself. Changing things in our personality is not an easy task but it is possible. I have done it myself, changing the way I see things or changing the way I react towards difficult situations. I am still working on it though. It takes time and it takes effort but it is possible I tell you. You can master the skill step by step. You have the experience and the knowledge now. I am willing to share some of my experiences with you by mail if you like. There is this "Flash Back" method (as I call it myself) that has worked for me.

Steve said...

Hey,

You know I have not posted to your blog and had really wanted to wish you a happy birthday a way back. I have however read a great deal of your blog. I want you to know that I do not claim to have the answers and I certainly know that I do not have your answers. What I can tell you is that you have everything you need within you. I know you have the intelligence, the ability and the skills to learn anything that you desire to learn. I also know that all your answers reside within you. I also want you to know that you are not alone in what you feel and if honest, I think we have all felt that way at one time or another. If we allow our mind to play the “what ifs” game, we would never try anything. It is like our negative thinking. It can eat us alive. Changing our thoughts is not necessarily an easy thing, but it starts with recognizing them. That is one of the things that my bp meds did for me in the very beginning. They gave me the heads up that I was going into a cycle. Of course they have also taken the top end and the bottom of the cycles also but as I say they gave me the ability to see them and then from there I am able to choose not to allow those emotions to take over. Hey, none of us is perfect and I am still learning but I hate to see you beating yourself up. You’re welcome to write me as well, though as I say I do not have the answers, I can only share from my own experiences.

Danny said...

Radin and Steve:

Thank you so much for your comments and input. I would be glad to correspond via email as well. At this point in my life, I am looking for more coping skills that I can utitilize. Any suggestions you have I will gladly listen to and give a chance. Thank you. :)

ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

You doing alright, mi amigo???