Well, I changed the name of the blog. I got tired of the "daily introspection." After a while, it seemed to portray me as a weak and vulnerable person. This is not reccommended operating procedure, folks. If you portray yourself as weak and vulnerable, people will treat you as such. You will go through life a victim, and once again be treated accordingly.
I admit that I am struggling my way through life, emotions, financial difficulties and the like. It's a common problem for many of us. The trouble is, some of us let it get us down. I know I'm tired of living like this; it's time for a change. I've allowed myself to settle for inferior conditions quite a bit in my life. For two and a half years, I allowed myself to live in virtual filth and despair. I've now reached the point where I can't anymore - I deserve better than that.
The Last Straw
I'm tired of sleeping on two mattresses on my floor and using a sleeping bag as a blanket. I'm tired of wearing clothes that are nearly 10 years old. Most of all, I'm sick of this emotional tape loop that I seem to be living. You'd think that as many times as I've been through all this, I'd finally get sick of it and destroy that tape. I'll admit, it has served me well in keeping "safe" in life. Now it's time to erase it and start over. Better yet, throw the damn thing away!
Emotions: How They Can Ruin Your Life
How so? Well, for one, they can make you see everything in a certain way - mine being in a nearly complete negative slant. I find myself preparing for situations that never come about. I've done this three times in the past month. One being a possible confrontation with a former band member; two being a possible confrontation with a present band member; and three, the possibility of getting kicked out of my living quarters.
Suffice it to say, none of these ever happened, and I was relieved yet drained after each one. It's amazing how your mind can think of a scenario, build upon it, and make it as real to you as anything else. Of course you go through the motions with your anger and frustration. And when you get to that area of possible conflict? NOTHING! What do you do with all that adrenaline? It doesn't just dissipate immediately. I get a relieved feeling, but soon become depressed. Depression is pretty much the "modus operandi" for me anyway. It's getting old fast!
Do I Sound Angry?
You bet! I'm angry with myself for the self-punishment and torment. I'm angry with myself for believing in and immersing in these negative thoughts within my life. But (and a BIG but here, foks,) I'm not going to call myself an idiot, moron, or think "how could you do that?" Nope, I'm going to say, "well, next time I won't act the same way I always do." Life is a big trial-and-error experiment. You try different things along the way. If one approach doesn't work, you try another; and another; and another... kind of like the Energizer Bunny. You just keep going, and going, and going, and going.... If you stop, your "batteries will soon be depleted and you will go into a "dead" state. That dead state is depression. It's time for a recharge!
I've let this damn disorder ruin my life, and take me prisoner. I've let it destroy relationships and chances to advance in career opportunities. I've allowed it to color my world dark and dreary, and to feed me negative, yet comforting thoughts. It seems now that I've reached that threshold in my life where I just won't take it anymore. Sometimes that just what it takes to get back on your feet again. As William Holden said in the movie "Network," "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"
I realize that I am making tremendous progress! One of the key things that I noted was that songs that used to make me cry, don't have that effect on me anymore. I seem to be immune to that now. I have to remember that it's only music, not a way of life. I don't have to be in that "emotional ghetto" anymore. I'm taking out the trash, and anything (or anyone) that stands in my way, is going as well. Goodbye and good riddance!
Over the past few months, I have literally poured my heart out in this damn blog. I have subjected myself to negative emotions, and reacted accordingly. I have wallowed in the throes of self-pity, pain, and sorrow. Along the way, several friends and unknown folks have sympathized, offered their points of view, and great suggestions. I truly appreciate this, and hope that I can do the same for you. May the Lord bless you and keep you. I mean that with all sincerity. Now it's time to keep these things in mind as I traverse through the remainder of my life.
No, I'm not a born-again Christian. I believe in what I believe. I think that everyone is entitled to believe whatever they choose. That's what is supposed a founding principle of this country. I respect your beliefs - now you respect mine in return. I don't think any less of you, and so you should not of me. That's all there is to it.
Get Back On The Wagon!
Now it's time to go out there, and "Live With Passion," as Anthony Robbins would say. If you're suffering from depression and hopelessness, just go outside and let the warm rays of the sun touch down upon you. Try to find something to do, like go for a walk, a bicycle ride, or do some yardwork. Gardening and lawn maintenance are excellent things to occupy your time. If you sit and do nothing, you will feel worse and worse. If you have household chores that need finishing, do them! Do those dishes! Make that bed! Mop that floor! Don't allow yourself to live in squalor anymore. You deserve better than that, and so does your family.
JUST DO IT.
empty pockets, empty bed
empty bottles, empty head
the committe says shape up
or they'll fix me up quick enough
(We are with you everywhere
we protect you from yourself
we are watching)
I wanna rock & roll
NO! that's a violation
I wanna lose control
NO! that's a violation
I wanna love someone
NO! that's a violation
you better not try it
lousy jobs, down in holes
join the union, learn to bowl
lovely houses, of cement
the committee pays the rent
thank you for electing us
we appreciate your trust
there's a problem we're aware
that many of your children share
but we've developed new techniques
the process takes about two weeks
it's based upon electro-shock
a daily dose of microwatts
and when we're through
with what we do
we'll ship the beggar back to you
and then he'll be as good as new!
doctor says I'm
and they'll let me out in time
I'm a very stubborn case
and my tape's not quite erased.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
Don't let "the committee" take control and ruin your life - whether it be the government, local law enforcement, or even depression. Take control - you're in charge!