Now for the Bad News...
Unfortunately, my pc is still down for the count. It appears that the power supply is the culprit. The sad thing is, I don't have enough money to buy a new one. They are usually included inside of a new case. I've had the same PC case since 1997! The guts inside have all changed, but the power supply is still the same one. I was expecting it to go sooner or later. This could explain why even after I defragged, virus and spyware scanned, that my 450 mhz PIII would run slower than my old 233 PII. That's pretty sad.
Well, needless to say, Thursday was a terrible day, for the most part. Besides my pc going to hell, my VCR ate a favorite tape of mine, my roomies were asking when I'd have the rent, and something else... Oh yeah...Vocational Rehab basically won't help me find work until I get my anxiety issues worked out. I can't wait on them - I just have get out there and find work myself. This time not enlisting the aid of them when I have an axiety or panic attack. More on this later.
Later That Evening...
Well, due to all this, I was beginning to feel quite a bit more than just irritated. I could feel it all building up inside of me - waiting to burst forth and explode somewhere. I went to my group therapy session, and as usual, felt that I wasn't accepted, despite a few others to tell me that was not the case - and one of them even gave me a list of possible employers! I was really glad for this though. It gave me sights to shoot for. I will most certainly check them out. Besides this, I was feeling really out of my element, as I do when I try to talk about regular things with other people in a group setting.
What To Say...
I find it very hard to just blurt something out, though it is encouraged. My therapist noticed that I was quiet again, and did his best to find out why. I just told him that I was having a really bad day, and that things would be OK. Shortly after that, it seemed that I was getting the cold shoulder from most folks in the group. Instead of feeling bad about this, I began to feel angry, and it fed the feeling that I had been dealing with already. When I left, I nearly kicked my car sideways again when I pulled out onto the main road. It was then that I knew I was going to reach the second phase...somewhere that I haven't been in a very long time.
When I pulled into my driveway, I could feel the tension building quickly and ready to break at any second. I began to take my notes out of my car and head for the house, but I stopped dead in my tracks. It was then that a previous thought from an earlier conversation with one of my roomies set me off. He always like to throw it in my face that he has a girlfriend. That's just not cool. I choose not to have anyone in my life because I am way too unstable to maintain a relationship, and to put up with the baggage that comes with it. I've had enough head trips and the like for the rest of my lifetime. Perhaps I'm being unrealistic. Anyway, that totally set me off, and I began to hit and kick my car as hard as I could, yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs. I nearly jumped on top of the hood and started to scream some more.
This went on for nearly 10 minutes and I stopped abruptly. I noticed that I was trembling and I wanted to cry. I didn't, however - I stood there for a few more minutes, and decided that I needed to take a walk to cool down. I dialed up a very good friend of mine who lives quite far away now. She's always been there for me, and I am eternally grateful for this. She made me laugh several times, which is no easy task when I am furious. She has that ability which no one else has. After about a nice 15 minute walk, I was headed for home, and was feeing much better.
About 15 minutes later, my phone rings. I answer it, and it's her again. She said that a friend of hers is going to be at our gig tomorrow night, and he'll give me a hug from her. I was a little leery about that, but I went along with it. Honestly, I had totally forgotten about it on Friday night, when I came into the restaurant. But I did notice out of the corner of my eye, that there was a girl sitting at the bar, all by herself in the back, who seemed to be looking at me when I looked at her. I kept making eye contact from a distance, and thought to myself, "Now why would a pretty girl like that sit all by herself in this place?" I was thinking, "finally, someone is actually paying attention to me," which fueled me even more with a sense of curiosity.
I found an excuse to walk by her - I wanted to go up to the soundboard and make sure that everything was OK. I talked to the owner for a minute, glanced over at her again, and then I KNEW who she was! I looked over and got a really good look at her face - It was so familiar. I'd know that smile anywhere! We both looked at each other, smiling and immediately hugged each other for a long time. She gave me a little kiss on the neck too. WOW! She had moved away last year, got a good-paying job, and lost ALOT of weight! I thought that she was good looking before, but now she's a BABE!
She has turned into an extremely attractive woman - I can't deny that. We hung around and talked alot before I had to go onstage. I was so elated to see her! She had really surprised me! "So, you're the friend that was supposed to give me a hug, eh?" I asked her. "Pretty clever, huh?" She answered back. I just smiled and laughed. She said that after the day I had yesterday, and the fact that she was in town for some other occasion, she HAD to come and see me. I was so flattered by this. Of course, this fired me up for the gig! I played so passionately and tirelessly that we brought the house down! She was always impressed with my musical prowess - she says that every time she sees me, she is more impressed. Wow! What a compliment!
It's funny - many people at the bar thought that she was my girlfriend, because we were hugging each other for so long, and hanging onto each other. Such is not the case, however - we are very, very good friends, and we don't mind touching each other. OK - so not in THAT way. I would never want to screw up a friendship like ours - she's way too special. Truth be told that I could marry someone like her, but it just can't BE her. (Sigh)
I do miss our times together hanging out - getting a bite to eat, going shopping, or watching a movie. I used to come over to her grandma's house and visit her grandma, mother, and her brother. I was treated like family, and was always welcome to stop on by. They are like my second family - I would go over there for holiday dinners and birthday parties, or just to hang out and watch TV. During those times, it was nice to be able to put my worries aside and just enjoy myself.
Caring and Sharing...
She always makes sure that I was feeling OK, and does her best to cheer me up when I am down and out. She would notice that I was pretty stressed out, so I'd get treated to a massage - by the end of it, I was ready to just lay down for a nap! I felt so much at ease when we were together - there is such a special bond between us. I wouldn't trade it for the world! I've thought several times of moving out where she is - she seems so much happier there than she was here.
I'd Be Gone, But...
It seems alot of people feel this way. If it wasn't for the band and possible success somewhere down the line (and a lack of funds as well,) I would get a U-Haul and move out there. I know that I would be more than OK out there, but it would be a huge step for me. Maybe one day I'll do it, when I am sure that I am ready.
I Like This!
So here I sit now...still pretty happy and enjoying it. We are going to get together again before she leaves town on Monday. I look foward to this as well. It will be nice to catch up on old times and the like. We both missed each other more than words can say. Those hugs and kisses made me feel warm inside, and very special. She brought a huge ray of sunshine into my life again! After the week I was having, I needed that! THANK YOU!!!!
A quick note:
It seems that my audio posting capabilities will be on hold for a little while - either my phone died (long story,) or it got turned off. I was behind on payments, so maybe that's why I can't get a signal. I'm not sure yet. The phone is still recovering from its mishap, so we'll see what happens. I'm crossing my fingers, and I hope that you do too. I have a feeling that it will all work out eventually, as it usually does. There is a calm AFTER the storm as well.
What Have I Been Doing?
As far as daily activities go, since the pc is down, I've been doing my household duties, going for walks, swimming, blowing the dust off of my tapes, and recording some great albums (yes, VINYL,) that I just received from Creepyking in the mail a week ago. He has excellent taste in music, I must say. I thoroughly enjoyed both Nektar albums (Remember The Future, and Magic Is A Child,) 10cc ( Live and Let Live,which I've been searching YEARS for), and the last one - Wishbone Ash (Live Dates Volume Two.)
They all have been receiving constant rotation on my turntable. I have them all recorded to open reel tape. They sound so good, let me tell you! I had forgotten just how great Wishbone Ash really is! They are such a tight band, and really know how to rock out! The album was such a pleasant surprise. Thanks again, Creepyking! You will get what I promised you in return. I would listen to it again right now, but I'm at my buddy's place, staying the night. Actually, I could walk home and do it, but I don't want to wake anyone that may be sleeping on the couch. Besides, I'm surounded by guitars, amps, and two comfy couches that are calling out my name.
Tonight's jam here was great, and it made me realize that I'm not the one-trick pony guitar player that I thought I was! I do have quite an arsenal at my disposal, but I guess I do get a bit nervous on the stage. This is only true for playing guitar, not bass. I don't feel nearly as much pressure. It seems to make sense. But, as time rolls on, I'm going to let more and more of my true self shine through with the guitar playing. We tuned an old Strat to open G tuning for slide work, something I've always messed with, but never ontstage. I feel that I'm ready to bring it out and have some fun! Think Sonny Landreth, or Lowell George, and you'll get the idea! I just hope that at least a few guys know some Little Feat songs! If not, I'll just go off in some crazy jam, not knowing where it will end up. I like that though - it keeps things fresh and exciting!
That's All The Time We Have For Now...
Well, I guess it's time for me to lay down for a while, and get some well-deserved rest. I spent the afternoon in our pool and laid on the deck, so I'm pretty crisp. Hell, at this rate, I might even get a tan! Wish me luck! I'll keep in touch as much as I can until I get my pc up and running again. But please, remember this: Yes, Folks - There IS life after the PC and/or Internet!