Tuesday, March 29, 2005


Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

In my mind I've always known that my thoughts always go on tangents, especially in a conversation with someone else. There is an intricate system of " invisible wires" or" jumpers" that connects the thoughts together so that they relate in one way or another. It can make things that totally don't relate in a normal situation come together. It's quite fascinating, really.

The same goes for my depression. I can be in an ok mood when I wake up, and one event can spurn a total paradigm shift with me, and others can later attribute to it. It' s the snowball effect - one event starts it all, and each added thereafter (or roll of the snowball) only makes it bigger. Pretty soon that snowball is huge and it's all I see (or feel.) It happens pretty much the same way every time.

Will I Ever Learn?
You would think that I would be able to spot this right away and not subject myself to it. Truth is, I don't, and I just subject myself to it time and time again, like a sado-masochist who longs to feel the pain. Honestly, I don't wish to feel it, but I do it because it is mainly the life that I know (the same reason a habitual offender returns to jail again and again.)

I would love to be able to just turn off the emotions sometimes. It's amazing how they can influence you. For me, certain songs, parts of songs, things said to me in the past, and of course past events can trigger it or aggravate it to some degree. I feel that I have no control over it, that it's just the way I am. It's a very detailed system and maybe one day I will map out an example of how it works. It's part of my Failure Factory that I devised one time before a therapy session.

Good Times

Please, don't get me wrong; as some of my closest friends and family can attest to the fact that I have indeed had some good times; but they just don't seem to surface as much because I'm so focused on the negative aspects a majority of the time. I won't deny that there have been good times, and I relish them for their duration, and after they occurred. I guess we have to allow ourselves to be able to enjoy at least a few things in life, no matter what. That's the stuff that keeps us going and willing to live, to make it past the tough times and what seem to be nearly insurmountable odds.

Reaching Out

I have found over time that it's good to reach out to others when you are feeling "under the weather." It's easy to do when you are always with someone or have a lot of people that you stay in contact with. Once I had several people that I had contact with - over the years that changed. People come and people go, some move away, some die, etc. Life changes in on way or another. Somehow I have managed to keep a tightly knit group of friends and to stay in touch with my family on a semi-regular basis.

It's those dark times when you need to reach out - for the throes of depression seem like an abyss that just keeps pulling you in, even if you are fighting it. The power of it is so unreal. Think of it as fighting an undertow - the more you struggle, the harder it is, and the more energy is taken away from you. Eventually, you will probably be pulled in and...you know the end of the story.

Like the song says, "we all need somebody to lean on."


ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

The Dreaded Snowball Effect: I know it all too well. :-)

ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

Dude, I am going fucking CRAZY with this grant-crap (you can likely tell this from the bitching and moaning on my blog); I will email you...and likely be on #bipolar...tomorrow night. Do you work then? In any case, you will at least get the email. BTW, you have met Flash? She rocks...I met her via her blog and think she is far-out. You will be able to relate to her well I think. :-)