Monday, March 21, 2005

Gotten Behind

Time Is The Enemy

Well, so much for the daily introspection. It looks to be more sporadic than anything, which is typical of me. I can't stay in a routine. I always find a way to screw it up. I guess it's better this way. As humans, we are supposed to thrive off of structure. I always rebelled against it, and now look at me - regretting ever being that way.

I know that I've just been posting song lyrics lately. It seems to be the only way I can publicly share my feelings (even though maybe a handful of people read my blog.)

Since I started working midnights, I feel that I don't have time to do much of anything. My nights are usually spent parked right here in front of the computer. One can only watch so much television before it rots your brain. Besides, there's really just paid programming on during that time anyway. There never seems to be enough time to do much of anything, and the time that I do get is...you guessed it...online.

Being online is ok, as long as we discipline ourselves and keep tabs on other things in our life (such as family, friends, chores, etc.) I feel that I lead a pathetic existence most of the time, but there are times when I feel special, such as when a good friend tells me how much our friendship means to them, my dad tells me that he loves me, or when I play a gig and someone takes notice and pays me a compliment. Those are the special times to me. They are fleeting and far between. I guess that helps me to treasure them even more. If we didn't have the bad with the good, we couldn't truly appreciate the good times. We need contrast and conflict in our lives. Without it, life would be extremely dull and boring. But, we don't need to go to the extremes of the Jerry Springer show, if you know what I mean.

Relationships

I am getting a feeling that once again someone new will enter my life. It's like a sixth sense - I know it's there, but I'm still afraid. Who knows what it could lead to - relationship, friendship, or nothing at all. It's been a few months for me - I think that I've grieved the loss long enough so that I can go on. I'll never forget her, but I don't have to live the rest of my life alone because of it.


How does one go about finding the perfect relationship? Well, I think that everyone is different and so of course they have different needs. It seems that I need someone who is almost a motherly type (maybe that's why I usually get involved with older women, but not too old!) Let's face it - I'm not the typical "alpha male stud." I'm quite the opposite - very sensitive moody and unpredictable. Daily life activities either petrify me or bore me. I do tend to hide in my shell (or in my room) alot. I feel like a jerk when I do that though. I also feel guilty inside as well. My therapist says that I need to put the skills that I'm learning to use - by practicing them in the real world, otherwise what's the use of even having them? It's like going to college and not using what you have learned in the real world.


I need someone to just drag me out and say "hey, there's alot of fun things to do - don't spend your life trapped in your own misery and self-loathing; life is too short for that. Come on, let's go!" Let me rephrase that - I DO need someone to do that. I had a really good friend years ago who was like that. He saw that I was down and out and wouldn't leave until I agreed to go with him. We'd go downtown to bars, clubs, concerts, etc. We even went camping alot. I was rarely depressed when being with him. In no time at all, he'd have me laughing my ass off! He was so insane! A very artistic and free-spirited man that he is, he took off down south and I see him maybe once a year. I wish I could contact him somehow. He'll come around again. We need to get caught up on old times, now that we're "old men." Damn.

But seriously, I do need to get out there and start having fun again. It's like I don't know how to anymore. It seems that when I try, things go OK, but there's always one event (something said to me, or something happens) that basically ruins everything, and I just want to run back to my cave. I give up way too easily. I'm very well-versed in running for cover when adverse conditions are imminent. I need to stop running. I need to stop being scared. I need to ask myself "why am I scared?" Breathe deep. Think of a beautiful place and time. Let go of the present situation and come back to it later.

I live for those serene moments, yet I don't treat myself to them very much. I guess I do have a self-loathing complex, or my self-esteem is so low that I don't feel worthy of those ethereal moments - those tiny morsels of mental pleasure. It's like catnip for the mind. I also live for times when I'm walking the beach with someone along the shoreline, hand in hand, so close together. Just the two of us, sharing our most intimate desires and thoughts. The sun is setting and it creates a beautfiul reflection upon the water in an almost flourescent orange hue. The waves crash in a cascading rhythm as we walk slowly down the shore, knowing that we were meant for each other and that we will be together (till the end of time no matter what may come.)

Wow! That sounds like a song or something. Maybe it's worth jotting down in my lyric book. Maybe. Truth is, it all sounds like a fantasy for me and that I live in a dreamland. Over the years I 've been hurt so much that it's hard to open up and do things like that-to bear my soul. I feel that it's too risky and that I would rather not get hurt again. Once again, I want to run to where it's 'safe.'


The Wall
I really don't want to make a musical reference again, but Pink Floyd's The Wall is an album that I totally get immersed in. Aside from the drug references, I AM Pink, but in my own way. I have my own wall that I built to protect myself from any harm. It keeps me safe and sound, but it's very lonely in here. There is no one to talk to or interact with - just my thoughts that torture me day and night Where's the judge when I need him to TEAR DOWN THE WALL? I guess I'm the judge in this case and I have to do it all by myself.

"Crazy, toys in the attic I am crazy;
truly gone fishing.
They must have taking my marbles away!
Crazy, toys in the attic, he is crazy."

One day it will come crumbling down, and that special someone will find a little boy, about 3 years old who is still grieving over the loss of his mother and all of the sudden changes that were brought about within his life. Instead of face them, all that he wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and hide himself from the rest of the world, for he felt ashamed. He felt different because most kids growing up had 2 parents and a happy childhood. He is angry at God and his mother at the same time. He has several question to ask and demands the answers (why did you take her? Why did you leave me without saying goodbye? When are you coming back?) It's amazing how something that happened almost 30 years ago can still have that kind of impact on you.

Eric Clapton - Motherless Children Lyrics
Motherless children have a hard time when mother is dead, lord.
Motherless children have a hard time when mother is dead, lord.
They don't have anywhere to go;
Wandering around from door to door.
Nobody treats you like a mother will when your mother is dead,
lord.

Father will do the best he can when your mother is dead, lord.
Father will do the best he can when your mother is dead, lord.
Father will do the best he can;
So many things a father can't understand.
Nobody treats you like a mother will when your mother is dead,
lord.

Sister will do the best she can when your mother is dead, lord.
Sister will do the best she can when your mother is dead, lord.
Sister will do the best she can;
So many things a sister can't understand.
Nobody treats you like a mother will when your mother is dead.

When your mother is dead, when your mother is dead.
When your mother is dead, Lord, when your mother is dead.

So true.



2 comments:

ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

That's a very beautiful post...thanks for sharing what's on your mind like that; it means a lot to hear you let go in that manner. :-)

Danny said...

You're welcome This is just such a release for me. Sometimes I'm astounded how much I get into topics, or how many tangents I go on! LOL