Wednesday, October 19, 2005

It's Been A Year...Time To Move On...

An Apology:
To anyone who reads and comments on my blog: I am sorry for being a selfish self-centered bastard for not checking out your blogs or replying to your comments. I am in one of the most painful times in my life right now. I will do what i can to get back to you in the near future.

Time To Pack It Up...
Well, it's official - I'm getting the hell out of the house where I'm living. I arrived home this evening to find a note on my desk stating that I need to pay $100 more than what I normally do, in addition to what I owe for the past. I was originally told that I had until Christmas to pay that back - now it's next month. I left a note in return simply stating, "don't worry - I'll be out soon." At this point in time, I really don't care where I end up. I'm sure I'll be "couch-surfing" for a while, unless I decide to make another choice.

At A Crossroads...
I've seriously come to a conclusion - do I really want to continue doing this? My life is so dark and dreary most of the time, and it seems that more bad than good comes my way. I often wonder if I was a mistake and my father never told me. I'm guessing that I was a born with a losing hand. It seems that the almighty one had it in for me since day one. I mean, what the fuck is the point of my existence? I thought that I figured that out - apparently, I was quite wrong in thinking that. I can't even come up for a breath - every time that I do, something else happens to knock me on my ass. Maybe it's time to not get up again and just wither away into nothingness.

I have caused my family alot of pain and problems. I have been foolish in my financial and career decisions. I mean, why the hell would anyone go to school to become a radio disc jockey? There's obviously no future in that - everything is automated these days or via satellite. Sure, I graduated at the top of my class, but look at me now - nowhere near the business. What a waste of $10,000, eh? The sad thing is, I still owe thousands of dollars for that loan. The bad thing is, my father co-signed for me, so if something happened to me, he would be fully responsible for that. I'd hate to leave him with that burden.

I know he loves me, but I don't know how I'd ever make up for all that he has done for me. He says it doesn't matter, but I feel it does, and I know that the rest of my siblings think less of me as well for all that I have done. I'm the black sheep of the family - the one destined for trouble, failure, etc. I'm not sure that being creative is enough to justify my existence anymore. I guess because I didn't "do the right thing," and take my SATs and go to a regular university that this makes me a loser. I guess I sealed my fate when I took that first hit off a joint. Or was I pegged when my mom died when I was three years old? I can't figure it out. Maybe it was that - when you lose a parent at a young age like that, it really fucks you up. One doctor even told my dad that I was mentally retarded. Maybe they should have kept me on ritalin, and confined in those special education classes. Life may have been at least a little easier then. Then again, maybe not.

Now, I know what you are thinking, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life!" At this point in time, I can't help but truly feel the way that I do. I'm running out of rope - there is just enough to hang myself, and maybe that's the solution. I'm tired of pretending that it's getting better. I'm only fooling myself, and others around me. All I can seem to do at this moment is to focus on the pain, and any solution to get rid of it. I guess I'm taking the easy way out. I was never good at taking on challenges - they bring on incredible amounts of panic, anxiety, and fear within me.

I guess I can talk the talk, but not walk the walk. Therefore, that makes me a hypocrite. Call me what you will - coward, loser, crybaby, wimp, wuss, pansy, etc. If it makes you feel better, then do so. Throw stones at me, rotten tomatoes, whatever. I don't care. So much for being a visionary...

If you choose not to frequent this blog anymore, I understand. I mean, who wants to hear from someone who nearly always feels "woe is me?" That gets old after a while, doesn't it? Some friends have stopped talking to me as well, and I believe that this is why. I can't blame them if they feel that way. Negativity is like a poison that kills everything in its path. Hopes are dashed, and positivity is decimated, only to be replaced by hopelessness, helplessness, and despair.

Thank you, dear friends - I truly hope you will understand.

by Supertramp
Rudy's on a train to nowhere, halfway down the line
He don't wanna get there, but he needs time
He ain't sophisticated, no well-educated
After all the hours he's wasted, still he needs time
He needs time - he needs time for livin'
He needs time - for someone just to see him
He ain't had no lovin' for no reason or rhyme
And he whole world's above him
Well it's not us thought he's fat
No there's more to it than that
See he tries to play in school
Wouldn't be nobody's fool
Rudy thought that all good things comes to those what wait
But recently he could see that it may come too late
All thought your life, all thought the years
Nobody loved, nobody cared
So dim the light, dark are your fears
Try as I might, I can't hold back the tears
How can you live without love, it's not fair?
Someone said give, but I just didn't dare
What good advice are you waiting to hear?
Hearing's alright for them that's all there
You'd better gain control now
You'd better show 'em all now
You'd better make or break now
You'd better give and take now
You'll have to push and shove now
You'll have to find some love now
You'd better gain control now
Now he's just come out the movie
Numb of all the pain
Sad but in a while he'll soon be
Back on his train...

I wonder if Rudy ever got off that train... I hope so.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD! I LOVE THAT SONG!!! you know, you are not alone in all of your so called 'conclusions' about yourself....I, too, am at this very juncture.....perhaps we should all pack our shit and meet up somewhere and start a new life, whadd'ya say?! hey, I admire HONEST people...who have the courage to be real....speaking of which~ have you read JAMES FREY: A Million Little Pieces?! or My Friend Leonard (the sequel?!) you ought to....hugs and woohoos for a Supertramp song...hope it is blasting!!!!!!!