Wednesday, October 19, 2005


I know that there are other options for me, and I will explore them. I just felt so hopeless for that moment during the previous entry. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm reaching out and listening with both ears to anything you may have to say. For more on this, see the post below. At that moment, I truly wanted to die. I'm not entirely against it, but I do see other options that I have. I'll work it out somehow.

Damn, those Care Bears got to me tonight *sob*


elvira black said...

Danny, I'm sorry that you are feeling so horrible. As someone with bipolar disorder/history of very severe depressions, I can relate. From the last few posts, it seems like your moods are swinging back and forth. The thing that strikes me is that with mood disorders especially, perception can indeed be reality. In other words, given the same circumstances (reality) life can seem promising when your mood is good, and hopeless when it's bad.

Your previous post reminds me of ruminations I've had when depressed. In my case, my depression would turn into psychosis and the ruminations would devolve into delusions. I guess there can be a fine line there, but all the talk about feeling like a failure, black sheep, disapointment, etc. sounds like the depression talking.

Which leads me to a big question: you mention that you've taken meds, stopped and started meds, etc. I'm not sure why you would stop taking meds if they seem to help you. Do you have very bad side effects?

I also don't know if you've discussed any "diagnosis" that you might have, other than depression, I'm guessing. Perhaps you've gone over this at some other time in your blog?

In any case, I'm glad that this latest little entry seems to reflect some hopeful feelings once again.

Tabor said...

Danny, talk to your therapy group. Don't you have a mentor in the group or a buddy you can call? It is OK to say the sad things you say, but when you say them only to yourself you start to believe them. If you talk to someone else--someone you trust--they will help you see that this is not reality.

Maybe, when you get back up again you need a plan. Not the throw caution to the wind plan, the I don't care how poor I will be plan, but actual steps to a career change that builds on your strengths and yet allows you to have the creative outlet you need. This will take a lot of courage on your part. But you can do this. You really can. Remember One Day at a Time.

Danny said...


I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder around 5 years ago. I am also struggling with severe panic and anxiety disorder. Depression is more frequent than the mania in my life, and it's very hard to tell when I'm actually feeling good. If I feel "good," I usually write it off as mania automatically.

My reason for stopping the meds is not because of the side effects - rather it is due to the hoops I needed to jump through to get more free meds. I had to do my taxes (paperwork petrifies me,) and kept putting them off, rationalizing that I'll "do it later." It's a classic case of procrastination, but in this instance, it's a very bad idea.

I do get help with things like that in my life - my sister is always more than happy to help. She sees that I'm trying my best, and cheerfully gives me assistance whenever I need. The only problem is, I lose touch with her sometimes, for weeks on end, and that makes it difficult.

I sit here depressed and isolated from the world, and it's so hard to reach out. You know what I mean when I say this. It's during those times that I feel unworthy of help from anyone, that I should sit here alone and suffer for all the mistakes I've made, and foolish choices as well. All those "shoulds" and "coulds" come back to haunt me, and it hurts so much.

It's a shame how depression will take away the feeling of gratitude and replace it with emptiness, no matter how much you have or what you are doing.


As of right now, I am playing "catch-up" with all of my therapy, having not been able to be at all the sessions for the past few weeks. I am slowly working my way through the events of the past month, and this month as well. I am pleased to say that I am not deeply depressed at the moment.

My group does consistently ask me about the medication situation, and show a genunine interest in my well-being. I am truly grateful to have all this going on right now.

I am still committed to getting out on my own, as I am truly depressed by my living situation, among other things. I feel that if I get out there on my own, I will certainly benefit in the long run.

I need that time alone - a sanctuary of sorts. I know that it won't be easy, but I can't let that stop me. If I have problems, I do have friends and family who are willing to give me a hand if I need it, and I will not be going to them immediately if something happens. I will put forth my greatest effort in finding a solution myself. That alone is a huge step for me, and will renew my self-confidence.

As far as careers go, something music, radio, tv, or production-related would be an avenue I'd like to take sometime soon. Maybe I could even work in a small music shop, selling guitars and basses. I did have a hell of a time in retail before, so I am not sure yet.

The pieces of the puzzle that is my life are coming together, little by little - I just find myself getting confused and frustrated because it's not happening at a faster rate. Like you say, I need to take it one day at a time.


I am glad you enjoy "Rudy." I alway saw alot of myself within him. Actually, that entire album, "Crime Of The Century," is a veritable monologue for me some days.

I actually had to choose between this and "Goodbye Stranger," which doesn't completely relate to the situation, but it does deal with leaving, and in a painful manner.

I believe that it's time to turn the page and start anew. It's time for me to build, mold, and shape my life the way that I want it to be. Thank you everyone for your input - As always, I truly appreciate it.