Run Like Hell....
Every now and then I get into a phase where I just want to run away from everything. I get afraid and cut myself off from everyone and everything. It harkens back to that feeling I described previously - When you are a child and you have done something wrong - you are waiting for that inevitable punishment. The time between the incident and the time you are punished is so torturous (you're hanging in the balance.) The suspense is killer, like a Hitchcock film.
Cutting Myself Off...
I haven't answered my phone for days, I pretty much left my job, and I feel somewhat depressed. It's not dominating me though. I am a little paranoid nonetheless. I am looking into things again, seeing too deeply, and not for what they are. I feel that even the people that want to help me (therapists, counselors, etc) are angry or upset with my actions. I haven't spoken with family in a few weeks; at least I've kept in contact with a few close friends, and of course my roommies. If it wasn't for them I'd surely go crazy. My hat is off to them and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.
A Rock In A Hard Place
Right now I'm in between emotions - I guess that you could call it "savor time," which in radio speak, is the silence between or at the end of a classic music piece when played on the air. I know that the feeling won't be good; the option of happiness is not there, I can feel it. A good example would be, "Another Monday; what am I going to do? Well, there's not much going on, so I guess I'll just sit here all night and veg away. Maybe I could watch WWE Raw and then come back to the pc. Wow, what a night."
Reach Out and Touch Someone
In reality, I could be calling people and catching up with them. A really good friend of mine who moved away would sure appreciate hearing from me. I know that she worries alot about me. She's probably worried sick since I haven't picked up my phone in a few days. It's really a shame that when I sever the communications ties, I lose touch with the really special people in my life, the ones who really care (and I care about.) I really need two seperate phones - one for regular use, and another "secret line" just to get in touch or keep in touch with friends and family. Again, I should be thinking of them and their reactions as to why I haven't answered my phone. I think that they would understand, yet feel that it's an unfounded fear. Maybe if I explained it the way I did here, then they could get an idea. Perhaps that the best solution. Not the best, but it could work.
OK....The moment we've all been waiting for....(drum roll)...tonight's winner is.....(drum roll stop)....a slight depression tinged with fear!!! (applause, music)
OK, at least I am aware of how the pending emotions could affect me, however they won't affect me nearly as much now that I am aware of how I will more than likely feel. Emotions can be like really powerful drugs; they impair judgement and cause things to appear much different than they really are. You could say that they are like a side mirror for the mind (objects in your mind maybe not be as intense as they appear.)
So Now What?
Now that I am aware of the emotions pending, I need to counteract them with positive energy (e.g. music, uplifting reading, stimulating conversation, dabble with my blog appearance, etc.) Now would be a good time to just face the music, pick up the phone, listen to all the voicemails, react accordingly, and get on with life. It's funny how one thing can totally trip you up. It can be something so simple, yet with an intricate set of circumstances,that it makes for a very stressful situation. It's all overreaction. It always has been. It always will be.
I wanna go home
Take off this uniform
And leave the show
And I'm waiting here in this cell
Because I have to know
Have I been guilty all this time