Friday, April 29, 2005

Stuck In The Rut
Well, I did it again. I slept 11 hours or so. I did set my alarm to wake me at around 7:30 am. I kept hitting the snooze bar (because I felt so lethargic,) and eventually shut off the alarm altogether. I remember waking up around 9:30 am and then thinking to myself "I'll get up around 10...." Then it was 12...1...and finally 2pm that I decided to wake from the dead. This is one thing that I must work on if I wish to function normally once again.

I wake up in a sleep-induced haze. I feel lethargic and really just want to lay there all day and night. There is no energy within me, that is until I find some food to eat, and my blood sugar begins to come back up. Slowly I emerge from this powerlessness into a slightly functioning human being. Now this is just my physical composure, not my mental one. That's an entirely different story.

The Other Side of The Coin
The mental part of me is an entirely different story altogether. I wake up sometimes in a panic, worried that I have missed doing something; or I wake up angry because I slept the day away; or I wake up and feel guilty (most of the time) and that I "should" be doing something else besides sleeping at that time. Once I get out of the bed and put my feet on the floor, I start to have a bearing as to where I'm at emotionally.

The Dream
Last night, I had a dream about an ex-girlfriend (from about 10 years ago and whom I worked with) that pretty much prophesized that she was coming back into my life. There's no way I'm going to let that happen! It's a long story that I'll tell much later. Anyway, you can pretty much tell what kind of mood I woke up in; a touch of paranoia mixed with some anger, and of course guilt. What a way to start the day.

About four months ago, I had difficulty sleeping, due to the medication that I was on at the time (risperdal.) When I was taken off of it, I slowly began to be able to sleep again. I started taking Lamictal which really seemed to help me in many respects mentally, but it also made me sleep excessively. This is getting to really be a problem in life-functioning.

Damn it! I lost the rest of my post! So now I'm irritated and of course recovering from the panic of "oh no, where did it go?" I clicked at the top of this edit window, and somehow part of my post was erased. I guess it's kind of funny if you think about it, but it was rather frustrating. All the time I was thinking to myself "better open a notepad file and just type it all in there, or at least copy to it." Ah, the bitter irony....sigh

I remember this much - I was rambling on how I realized the consequences of sleeping in could affect my life (finding a job, exercise, etc.) blah, blah, blah. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the seriousness of a post that I forget that I'm rambling on and on about it. Usually it's a pointing out of the obvious. Maybe it's to teach myself along the way. Who knows?

In Closing...
I know what I need to do. I need to get up when that alarm goes off, get ready, and get out in the world during daylight hours. It will be a challenge, but it's not impossible. I'm tired of living the life of a vampire. It's true that I like the night life, but once upon a time, I liked being outside in the sun...laying on the beach, and getting a nice tan.

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