Saturday, December 24, 2005

The Christmas Wrap...Up...

Wikki-Wikki! Word to your muffler...

It goes-a-one-two-three...

Just Kidding!
Yes, I could readily point out that I was using the word wrap in an improper context, but that would be just a little too self-effacing for me. I am in a jovial mood tonight though. As usual, I put off the Christmas shopping until the last minute, but was able to pull off the miracle, and spend under $200!

My Trademark: Last-Minute Shopping!
Guilty as charged, your Honor! The problem is, I just cannot seem to conjure up even a spark of what someone might want or need until that crucial moment. Maybe I thrive under the pressure - I still haven't figured that out. I got up nice and early - anticipating the idiots...er um...people on the road, but what was about to unfold really hit a hot button with me.

Don't Block The Intersection, Asshole!
I have a huge pet peeve - when there is a line of cars, and I see one or more of them blocking the intersection. This impedes my progress (and anyone else's.) All it means is that someone is just too damned lazy to walk a little distance to get into the local Wal-Mart. They act as if the very back rows on the other side of the entrance are no man's land. I mean, got forbid that they actually have to WALK! Hell, why don't they just run parking lot shuttles like amusement parks, ya know? Not only that, it makes it nearly impossible to exit the parking lot, as there is gridlock from all sides. It reminds me of some kind of Branch Davidian compound - you can't get in, but if you do, you're never going to get out.

A Clarification...
Now, I'm not referring to folks who absolutely need those closer spaces (i.e. elderly or handicapped folks.) I'm talking about able-bodied people, maybe around my age, that just park they freakishly large SUV (Humvees come to mind) in the front row, just because they can. I guess it strokes their ego a little bit - to have the upper hand, and throw it in the less fortunate person's face. "Don't you wish that you could have this? I'm better than you, and you know it." Oh please - It's great to have nice things, but don't act like your a god or an untouchable. Anyways, enough on that mini-rant.

Urban Assault...
For many years, I have held this mindset when dealing with throngs of idiots....excuse me...people (damn it, did it AGAIN!) I picture myself as a commando, loaded to the hilt with unlimited firepower on my person, as well as on my vehicle. I know that it's childish, but it does help me to be firm and assertive. However, the images sometimes become vivid, and for just a moment, I'm really in the battlefield. I throw grenades, run my adversary off the road, and just basically part the crowd like the Red Sea. No, it's not a bloodbath - everyone just sees that I mean business, and gets the hell out of my way. It's not meant to be ominous, just let me have my way.

I Want It Now, Daddy! Now!
Yes, I know that the world does not revolve around me. I've been told this countless times within my life, and this view that I have is rather selfish. But, I know that I'm not the only one who gets like that. I think that at least more than a few times within our lives, we all take turns playing the Veruca Salt character from Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.

Next Time I'll...
Sure, I'll say that now - but odds are that "mood" will come up again. My therapist says that I'm addicted to anger. It's not so much that I like it, it's just that it's second-nature for me to get frustrated beyond belief sometimes. In contrast, the anger is not nearly as much as it used to be. This is more of an intense irritation - like being crabby, but turning the volume up to about 8. My heart is basically saying, "Why is this happening to ME? How could they do this to ME?" This is a classic case of personalizing it, taking it as a threat, and getting defensive to protect myself. This is why in a confrontation with someone, I would (and still) refuse to back down and be submissive. I'll walk away, but not with my tail between my legs - that ain't gonna happen, kids. I played that role for too long when I was a kid.

Yo!
A note to all potential thugs - put a gun in my face, you'd damn well better use it. For if you don't, I'll be glad to shove it somewhere else..I guess that I'm the type of guy that might hand you his wallet, but the second you turn your back or drop your guard, I'm going to kick the living shit out of you, take back my wallet, and probably take something of yours for the pain and suffering...OK....OK....OK....here I go thinking about something that is, beyond the shadow of a doubt is not going to happen. I just wanted you to get an idea of my beliefs and values.

Yap-Yap-Yap...
As usual, I go off ad-nauseum into just how I defend myself from these "threats." This is not neccessary, I just get so caught up in the moment. I need to take this facet of my personality and focus it on productive things and projects - namely my music and my writing. Friends describe my intensity of discussing things as deep and intense. I don't claim anything - I'm just a very passionate person, that's all there is to it. I've even given a few close friends "permission" to warn me when I'm headed for that "danger zone."

Welcome To Hollywood...
That fantasy-land is alot like Hollywood - anything is possible, and can happen. Of course, we know that flights of fancy don't always translate well into reality. This is probably due to the fact that we overlook several variables, and or consequences that may occur following our actions or words. However, to visualize something does help us to accomplish it. I think that it has more to do with bolstering our self-confidence more than anything. To prep ourselves for something is the ultimate safeguard. But to see it through rose-colored glasses is just asking for a disappointment - a real heartbreak.

Idealism Defined...
We all have that "perfect world" within our minds, where everything is perfect (like a certain drugstore chain's TV spots.) Nothing is wrong, all is just hunky-dory." We know that is just a pipe dream, and is simply not possible. Our paths cross and intersect throughout our lives, and this always has an impact on us. It's like everyone is the center of their own universe, but no one elses. We have all these universes that come together, sometimes they oppose one another, and clash violently.

Preconceived Notions...
The danger is that factor called a "preconceived notion." This is what gets us into trouble. We visualize things to be a certain way and when they prove otherwise, this creates a disappointment for us. Sometimes this provokes anger, which is usually the case with me. That anger is really me just being ultra-crabby, as I stated earlier. Generally, my mind says something like, "Oh, so you want to ruin my perfect little world? Well, I'm not going to let you, no matter the cost. I mean, who the fuck are you to rain on MY parade? Step off dude, or you're going to get hurt."

Umm....Okay....
You get the idea. I think that this is becoming a circular reference post. I keep going back to that anger/protection mechanism, even when no threat is eminent. This is something that I'm definitely working on in my life. I am truly at more ease than I've ever been in my life, but there are certain situations that will take more time and discipline. Namely situations involving many people, long lines, belligerent drunks, and authority figures who overstep their boundaries. I guess the place that I'm most comfortable is either at home or on the stage.

Progress...
Even though I have a few stumbling blocks, I feel that I have been making tremendous progress within my life in the past decade. I need to look at ways that I can avoid those traps of familiarity and comfort. It's time to look for solutions rather than focus on the problem. To give up is tantamount to being a loser. It took me a long time to realize how self-pity damages you. I would simply think to myself, "Well, this is it - I'm a loser and there is nothing that I can do about it." How wrong I was to find out several years later. I've been blessed with these wonderful gifts, and it's time to use them to their full potential. The potential that so many others see within me - family, friends, colleagues, therapists, etc.

Dad...
My dad has always been a positive force throughout my life regarding my talents and abilities. I know that it used to eat him up when I would come home high or drunk. I was capable of doing so much more, yet I chose not to. I only wish that I could have said, "You know, Dad. The reason that I'm doing these things is that I am truly unhappy right now. I'm having a very tough time at school, and I feel that no one cares or loves me (except for you.) I really need your help. I don't want to be this way, but it's the way I am coping with my life right now. I don't know what else to do."

Help...And Love...
Eventually I did let him (as well as my aunt and uncle) know . It happened on a Christmas day around 1990 or so. I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore. I broke down to tears and confessed everything, even the suicidal feelings. This really set off a red flag with my entire famliy, and they were all very worried about me. It was then that I realized that there are many people who care about me, and what happens to me. This was a beginning to the way out of the smoke-filled haze that was my teenage life. It took nearly 15 years to get to this point, but it has been an interesting journey to say the least. I can't say that I don't regret anything, but I did learn some valuable lessons down the road. Sometimes we have to get a taste of experience in order to learn our lesson. The pain (or pleasure) that we feel is our best teacher. The trick is to take the lesson from it, and discard any accompanying negative emotions as soon as possible.

That's All Folks!
Well, that's all for now. I feel as if i'm just running in circles faster and faster. I know that what I write is nothing new - it's just my take on how I observe life, people and issues within it. I bear malice toward none - it's just a protective mechanism that is stuck and needs to be repaired. Enough said, and with that, I wish you all:

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

1 comment:

Tabor said...

What COURAGE you had around Christmas 1990 and how powerful that confession became in your life! You do sound like you are getting ahead one day at a time. I was out in the mall the day before Christmas to exchange a car phone charger and pick up a small gift. Most of the people there were men your age. Guess you are not alone in that hating to shop for Christmas thing.