Wednesday, October 05, 2005

When The World Is Running Down...

Where To Begin...
Well, I definitely need to write today, in order to vent properly. I am somewhere between seething rage and pure apathy. Why is this, you ask? It's not because of just one thing, but several. This weekend (specifically Sunday) was just HORRENDOUS! Oh, there were a few good things, but the bad just seemed to outnumber the good. I'm trying to be optimimstic, really, but in this instance, I don't foresee that as a possibility.

Friday
Had the usual jam night, and it was not too bad - that is until I sat in with a guy that I know. He's a real pro, and keeps everyone on their toes. As I was playing, I started to lament about my sloppy and scratchy rhythm playing, and that just made me feel worse. At the end of the night, I really didn't want to pick up my guitar for at least a few days. Everyone else did their best to keep me from feeling that way, but it didn't do much. Oh well...

Saturday
Not much happened really. I just sat around and listened to some music, and became basically lethargic. I talked to a few friends on the phone, and went to bed.

Sunday
Phase One...
Here's where things took a turn for the worst. I go to the benefit gig at 11am, and NOTHING IS SET UP! By this, I don't mean my band's gear, but I mean tables, chairs, tents, food, etc. We end up having to help set everything up. Gee, so much for that 1pm start time! When we are setting up, my drummer informs me that he didn't bring my larger amp in the van. I make a call and my buddy brings his out on the spot, and doesn't bother to tell me that he had things to do earlier in the day. This gets him in trouble with his wife, and that's a shame. He was going to sit in with us during the show, but thought it was later on in the day. *Sigh* He left when things got rolling, and I knew that something was not right.

Phase Two...
We were headlining this benefit, which meant we were basically hosting it. That meant we would play last. We played a benefit show about a year ago, and were the last to play on stage. As a result, hardly anyone was around to hear us, and we all felt cheated. We didn't host that one, but the guys were still bitter about it, and I still can't say that I blame them. However, the manner in which they tried to strongarm the stage was not cool at all. I saw them get into arguments with a few bands regarding "who was up next." I tried my best to just stay out of it all, as I knew I'd flip out, and fights would ensue. That's very bad for your image, to say the least, so I kept my mouth shut, as long as I could...and then...

Phase Three...
We knew earlier in the day that it was going to rain. The bar owner gave us the choice of setting up inside or outside. We chose outside, as it seemed to be a nice enough day (for the moment.) We watched The Weather Channel, and there was a 30-percent chance of showers and isolated thunderstorms headed our way. I guess we pretty much ignored the warnings and set up anyway. This proved to be our downfall. When my bandmates were arguing with the second to last band about getting up on stage before it rained, I knew it was just going to get worse. As it turns out, the last act got to play for only 30 minutes at best. When the storm closed in, I could hear my band mates complaining about it. This set me off, and I started screaming at the top of my lungs, raising my middle fingers to the heavens and screaming such stupid and unbelievable things like:

FUCK YOU! WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE AWAY FROM ME?

GO AHEAD! LET LIGHTNING STRIKE ME! I'LL TURN AROUND AND SHOOT IT BACK AT YOUR ASS!

ME AND THE MAN UPSTAIRS HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK - I'M GOING TO TALK, AND HE'S GOING TO LISTEN!

WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS RUINING OUR GIG LIKE THAT? I AIN'T AFRAID OF YOU!!!!!


JUST LOOK FOR ME ON THE WATER TOWER, MAN!

That's just a small sampling of things that I said, and some of my musical colleagues were shocked, and rightfully so. They didn't believe that I could say such things - neither did I. Inside, I was truly hurting and instead of crying, I turned it into full-on rage, which didn't do much of anything for me. I guess at least I got the emotion out of my system. On a positive note, the members of the previous act were nice enough to stick around and help us tear down. I was glad for that, believe me. Thirty minutes later, I was feeling much better.

Jam Night To The Rescue!
I was told that they were having their usual jam night inside the bar, and that it started in about an hour-and-a-half. Suddenly, I felt relieved, and was eager to play to make up for the loss. However, my drummer and guitarist had other ideas. They were still very bitter, and just left without giving it a thought. My vocalist, his wife, and I stuck around - we talked about things that needed to change, and how to implement some new ideas. It was a productive session, for a spur-of-the-moment thing.

Broken...
The jam night started, and eventually it was our turn to play. We decided to open up with "Crossroads," and the instant I hit the A string on my bass, it broke! I kept going, and played the whole song on the E string. There's nothing like flying by the seat of your pants! I borrowed the other guy's bass and got through it. I had a great time, and decided to stick around for more, after the bassist approached and complimented me. I thought to myself, "sure, what the heck. After the day I've had, I deserve to have a good time!" Again, I approached the stage and had a good time.


Time To Go...
I glanced at my watch and noticed that it was 12:30am. I thought that I'd better get going. I said my goodbyes and headed out to my truck. I climbed in, turned the key, and the starter began to get slower.....and slower.......and slower......and...s-l-o-w-e-r....until....Click, click. I went back into the bar, and asked anyone I could for a jump. One of the guitarists of the band was happy to help, and did his best to help me. We thought that the battery needed a jump, so we tried that. No such luck. He apologized and went on his way.

Try Another Approach...
I went back into the bar, got some change, and called my roomies. As I was on the phone with one, the other started complaining about what time it was..."Why did he wait until 1 in the morning to call us?" This of course set me off, and I yelled into the phone...

"YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST FORGET IT!"

I hung up the phone, and walked back into the bar. The bartender could see that troubled look in my eyes, and asked me what was wrong. I explained my situation to her. Right next to was the bass player, and he offered to help me. At the same time, the bartender was looking for a cab for me so that I could at least get home. She was willing to "float a loan," so that I could do this. The bass player said to give him a few more minutes and he would help. I waited patiently and we made our way outside. He tried to jump start as well, and to no avail. We both noticed that the positive battery was very corroded, and I took note of that as well. Eventually, he offered me a ride, and I packed up my guitars and climbed in his Jeep. Again, this is where things got better...

A Local Legend...
We spoke quite a bit during those 35 minutes. I asked him alot of questions and for advice. He was glad to discuss in depth with me, offering tips that are very valuable. He helped me to see things a little differently in music. He's a well-respected, well-known blues musician, and comes from a very musical family. I never realized just how close by he lived to me, and this blew my mind! I has said on more than one occasion in the past that I had wanted to go up to that jam night and meet him. Now I had my chance, albeit through a very unusual set of circumstances, but hey, I'm not complaining!

Foolishness...
I feel foolish and awful for the way I had acted during the benefit gig. I realize that I had totally lost my composure, and let my emotions (and everyone else's) influence my thoughts. I feel that I have much apologizing to do, and I can accept that. I have to somehow "make it right." I guess in some circles, this would be called "repent." I have indeed sinned.

The Saga Continues...
All that having been said, I'm still a little frustrated. I went back to the truck yesterday, thinking that if I replaced the bad battery terminal, it would solve the problem. Nothing could have been further from the truth. After messing with it for about 2 hours, I decided that the starter was out, and that it needed to be replaced. I called around today pricing starters, and found that they were quite a bit more than what I'd expected. This set me off again, naturally. This time because even with the money that I have at the moment, I still don't have enough to replace it. I hate borrowing money from other people. I have a long line of debt as it is, so I don't need any more to tack on to it.

Walking Away...
Right now, I really want to just walk away from it all. I want to just pour gasoline all over the truck and let it burn, and eventually explode into nothingness. I just feel like things are being taken away from me, left and right. Right now, being an optimist would be nothing short of a miracle, as I don't seem to get time to recover from each blow. I know a way out, but it's not the right way out. I don't dare mention it, as that would mean I'm totally backing away from life.

Options...
I'm not even sure that meditation would help me out of this mess. I've had several offers for drugs and alcohol, and believe me, I am considering them as a viable option. Just numb all the pain and frustration, at least for the short term. Once again, I'm not talking logically, and I know this. I just get so consumed by the emotion at any moment. With me, it's not just a feeling in my mind, it's a feeling in my entire body, almost to the point of being sick physically. How's that for "overreating?"

Maybe if I play a country record backwards, I'll get everything back that I lost? Is it worth a try?

1 comment:

elvira black said...

I believe that many times bad things turn into good. That seemed to happen to some degree that Sunday for you, when you met up with the musician you admired. And people were there to try and help you out.

Sometimes i think hitting "bottom" emotionally can be a wake up call that makes one sit up and try to figure out what to do next. I don't know that I'd join the Amish, however, but i suppose it's one option...lol...