Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Leaving The Shelter of Sorrow...

Return...
Well, I guess you could say that I am officially back. Admittedly, these past few weeks have been a challenge, and I haven't always been able to maintain that "mindset" that I recently discovered. You can't just shut off feelings that bother you - they come back ten thousand-fold! In addition, several events have popped up, and I let myself get surprised and overwhelmed by them. The emotions were powerful, and I chose to submit to them.

This Hurt...
One of the events was finding out that my ex-girlfriend is getting married in about a week. She never told me, and I think that's what hurt. We have occasional contact from time to time. We parted on good terms, which helps tremendously. Admittedly, I still have feelings for this woman, and when I found out through other sources instead of her, that really hurt. All I could bring myself to do was to sit in my room and listen to obscure music by bands such as Gong, Henry Cow, and the like. It was the perfect soundtrack to dreariness - the feeling of "what might have been."

Drink Up...
As you may have guessed, I did drink a little wine as well. I thought that a drink or two would help just a bit - instead, it gave me an anxious feeling, and a chill ran up and down my spine. This exacerbated that fearful feeling even more, getting me to the point of not leaving my bed for while. It was like being depressed, but not nearly as bad as it could have been.

Anger...
Anger has been making an appearance in my life once again lately - I exploded on my roomie and accused him of not doing the dishes, when in fact he had. I nearly ripped the stereo out of my car because it wouldn't eject a favorite tape, and had a few other "episodes." In the aftermath of the rent supposedly going up first $300 and then $400 dollars more, I began to get irritated with little things, and fell right back in the groove of rage and fury. This time I realize that it's not really rage - it's just that I'm highly irritated and frustrated. I wish no violence in these escapades, so that's a start. I guess even though I feel I slipped back a bit, I am still making progress with my issues of daily living. I give myself a little pat on the back for that.

Meditation...
My therapist has been working with me to meditate more often. I need to do it more than a few times a day at this stage in my life - 3 to 5 times a day would seem to be appropriate. I love the feeling that I get afterwards! The calmness and serenity are priceless, and better than any drug I've tried using. I told my therapist that I wished the feeling could last, but that I found myself getting distracted and falling back again. She said that I need to breathe deeply much more often. I totally agree. In order to keep this mellow feeling alive, whenever I go for a drive, I try to listen to calm music; preferably jazz. Rock and roll just gets me too pumped up, and I know that when I'm "pumped up," my irritability factor goes off the scale. Of course, this makes sense. Maybe I could become a Buddhist monk or something? Perhaps the simple life is where it's at.


Here I Am...
Well, now I'm just sitting here in a Jimi Hendrix tie-dye and sweats, wondering what I could do tonight. I don't believe there is practice, as we have a gig on Saturday, and we don't have practice during the week we have gigs. I would like to go out, but I am feeling anxious and slightly paranoid. I guess that I look like a hypocrite to some degree after the past few months, eh? I was never "cured," and I knew that - and I never meant to give anyone that impression. I simply discovered a few things, and applied them when I was feeling good. It's easy to do that when things are going well - it's the time when they are not that it counts the most.


Decisions...
Despite all this, I am going to make a few decisions that are important at this juncture in life. I have decided that I am indeed going to get a place of my own - just a nice little studio apartment that I can spread out in. I need a place that I can call home, and not feel that I am imposing on anyone else. This would also do wonders for my sense of priorities and responsibility - to get motivated would be more than a bit easier. Another positive aspect would be that I could keep it nice and orderly, cleaning on a regular basis. I can only live in a mess for a short time before I have this overwhelming urge to clean it up. Right now, I feel like a teenager living at home again, as there are chores that need to be done, and they are delegated accordingly. At first this didn't bother me, but as time goes on, it is annoying.

But...
I know that this will involve finding at least a part-time job - that I don't have a problem with. I just know that music is first and foremost in my life. I am serious when I say that I will forego alot of the luxuries in life to be able to do what I like. This means that I won't be taking a job that is full-time, nor will I be willing to work any and all hours that they ask. I'll give them 25 hours a week, and that's it. The point is, I'm not going to be a "company whore," just to get by. If they don't like it, I'll just find something else. It all works out somehow. I'm just so tired of this "I have to" attitude that most people have. They are passive, give up on their dreams, and end up doing something they regret for the rest of their lives (aka a "real" job.) I've regretted enough already - now it's time to change that, and do the things that I truly want to do.

Why?
Why you ask is it that I am so inflexible regarding a work schedule? Because I feel that music is my life, and if that is taken away, I won't have much to live for. I have been blessed with this immense talent, and I intend to use it to its fullest potential. I'm not the typical, "Oh, this is just a hobby on the weekends," kind of guy - not by any means. This means that I'll be working in the day time (oh, God...) and playing at night. Maybe not every night, but quite a few. Sure this is alot of work, but I ENJOY it! I am able to find ways to inject excitement into this, after all it is my passion, my livelihood and lifeblood.

Artist...
I consider myself an artist in every sense of the word, and I will forego alot of material luxuries so that I can accomplish my goals. I have friends who have connections with theaters and stage crews - maybe I'll look there first. I owe it to myself to look for work that is related to what I enjoy and have knowledge in. The days of just taking any job are over - plain and simple. I have learned to be very minimalist in regard to needs. To "learn to do without," seems to go with the territory of being a "starving artist." I remember losing my electricity a few years back and not being able to afford to have it turned back on. I lit some candles, grabbed my portable black and white TV, sat at my dinner table watching X-Files while putting together a model car. I knew that somehow things would end up okay again. In a few days, everything turned around, and life took a turn for the better.

I CAN Make It!
The point is, I can make it - if I have to stretch my money to make it last longer, that's fine. I can live off food from the "generic" stores - twenty dollars buys me more than enough food for the week, with enough left for some snacks as well. Clothing that is cheap yet well made is pretty easy to find at outlet stores, so that's not a problem either. The only things I will need to keep in mind is utilities, rent, insurance, etc. I have financial aid and medical expenses, but those will have to wait. I guess to the average American I live in poverty, because I don't have those "things" that they do, nor do I have a line of credit. Anyway, it's all going to work out somehow. Sometimes I feel like a sort of survivalist who can make it through times that would devastate many people. True, I was pretty freaked out during those times - I won't deny that. I will say this - now that I have been through those times, I know pretty much what to expect, and the initial reaction won't be nearly as bad. Maybe I can even apply more than a few techniques that I've learned! Anyway...

Time To Go...
Well, I figure that it's time to get up out of this chair, and see just what I want to do with the rest of my evening. Maybe I'll go up to the restaurant and hang out, or I'll call some friends. Maybe I'll sit and tweak with my mixer some more and see what great sounds I can get from it. Even though I feel "yucky," I'm going to do something either productive or entertaining. Hmm...a DVD of some funny movie would be nice...


Over to you...

2 comments:

elvira black said...

it's great to see you back--sounds like you've had time to mull over a lot of things. I agree with the starving artist thing. Being thrifty can become an art form unto itself, and is a lot less "expensive" than giving up on your artistic goals.

Tabor said...

Sorry to hear about the girlfriend thing. We have ALL been there, done that. It is part of life even though it hurts. Just make sure you put a time limit on the 'wallowing' thing. 24 hours is enough to lick your wounds, then time to focus on something else and get on with that precious life of yours.