I Can't Do It!
I've made a decision - I just can't do this "equation" anymore. I am grateful to be back online, but I'm also growing more and more frustrated as days go by. I was fine at first - but as I started to slowly add programs and ease into my normal demand of the PC, it let me know on no uncertain terms that it was going to take its own sweet time. Average startup time is about 5-7 minutes - It's almost like having to wait for the vacuum tubes to warm up in my old guitar amp! Maybe I should make breakfast beforehand - toast, eggs, whatever. I'm growing too impatient, and I do let myself get caught up in the moment. Fortunately, I haven't hit the thing. I have grumbled a little here and there (and yelled a few times,) but that's about the seriousness of the extent.
Random Thoughts...
In the meantime, I sit here trying not to think about the stupidity of the my government. The more that I read and hear, the angrier I become. I sure picked one hell of a time to try to be optimistic, eh? Let's put it this way - if there was just an army of similar thinking folks, oh, a hundred thousand or so, things would be different in Washington. It would have become a war zone and these so-called leaders would be thinking much differently. Emphasis would be place on non-violent approaches to the situation, and anytime brutal force was used, that would be put in the spotlight for all to see.
Bullies...
I can't stand the strong-arm tactics that the government uses to get its way, especially at the moment. You know, as far as I'm concerned, Randy Weaver had every right to do what he did at Ruby Ridge. I hate hearing about so-called "stand-offs," even just for the simple fact that someone refuses to leave their house. I'll also say this much - if I were involved in one of these debacles, I'd only hurt the ones who tried to hurt me, no one else. I HATE bullies, and will stop at NOTHING to STOP them - period. Ask anyone who messed with me in high school - they'll tell you.... (sigh)
The Anger Has Awakened...
I have basically moved from feeling depressed to feeling angry. I know that I have anger issues, and I need to channel them properly, but I can't wanting to take a humvee with tank tracks and march through Washington...not sure what else yet, but when I do, I'll let you know. I'd like to think that there is a better solution to the problem - however, I'm not sure of this yet. I do know that sitting here with a half-hatched plan is not exactly productive. I'm just spinning my wheels and going nowhere fast. I think that's what feeds this feeling as well.
Multiplication...
I also realize that the anger is partly because I associate my past with the present, and it all becomes mixed. I've told many people (therapists, doctors, and friends,) that when I get angry, everything that hurt me in my past comes out, right there and then. It's as if everything is happening at once, and an ungodly rage overcomes me. My personality does a complete 180-degree shift, and the word KILL appears in front of me, larger than life - three-dimensional in blood-red with blood trickling down the sides, as if it forced itself through the sensitive fabric of my sanity.
Simple...
For me, this is enough. I don't want to know how bad someone else thinks about when they get angry - that's not the point here. This is how I view it, and I believe that is graphic enough. I honestly don't want to get to that point anymore. I have no need for it, really. It was a survival mechanism. I don't need it anymore - the wolves aren't attacking me. I don't have to fight for my life anymore. It's over and done.
The Fact Remains...
I am still very dissatisfied with the way that things are being handled - yet I don't know the solution to this problem. I do think that strength is in numbers, and if all of us would just stand up and say...
"Ahem...you folks in Washington are forgetting one minor detail - we elect you and we are YOUR bosses. Therefore, wouldn't you think it appropriate if you took action in a manner that is consistent with the beliefs of the people, NOT with what YOU and your cronies believe? Fail to do this, and you will be out of a job - simple as that. Do we make ourselves clear? I thought so. Thank you - you may go about your duties now."
A Marked Target...
Of course, you know now that someone has read this, reported me, and they are on their way to pick me up, because I am a POTENTIAL threat to our state of living. What's that? I'm a terrorist? An enemy of the state? You know, if that's the case, I may as well put up that nice tower in the back yard, go back on the air, and say what is on my mind all the time - just like Stephen Dunifer did on Radio Free Berkley, and Tom Valentine did on Radio Free America.
Think!
Just remember this - if I ever do get to the point in my life where it does become a stand-off, it WILL make the history books. I promise you that. So go ahead - waste billions of dollars watching me and my every move, you three letter government agencies. See how happy that makes the taxpayers when they find out that you've been wasting all that time and money chasing some harmless little freak who was only out to improve his life, until your fellow agencies and fearless leader decided to try and sabotage it. Just think about it. Oh, by the way - I've changed my mind. I've decided to express my thoughts in a song. Take it away, Zack!
Know Your Enemy
By Rage Against The Machine
Huh!
Yeah, we're comin' back then with another bombtrack
Think ya know what it's all about
Huh!
Hey yo, so check this out
Yeah!
Know your enemy!
Come on!
Born with insight and a raised fist
A witness to the slit wrist, that's with
As we move into '92
Still in a room without a view
Ya got to know
Ya got to know
That when I say go, go, go
Amp up and amplify
Defy
I'm a brother with a furious mind
Action must be taken
We don't need the key
We'll break in
Something must be done
About vengeance, a badge and a gun
'Cause I'll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
I was born to rage against 'em
Fist in ya face, in the place
And I'll drop the style clearly
Know your enemy...Know your enemy!
Yeah!
Hey yo, and dick with this...uggh!
Word is born
Fight the war, fuck the norm
Now I got no patience
So sick of complacence
With the D the E the F the I the A the N the C the E
Mind of a revolutionary
So clear the lane
The finger to the land of the chains
What? The land of the free?
Whoever told you that is your enemy
Now something must be done
About vengeance, a badge and a gun
'Cause I'll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
I was born to rage against 'em
Now action must be taken
We don't need the key
We'll break in
I've got no patience now
So sick of complacence now
I've got no patience now
So sick of complacence now
Sick of sick of sick of sick of you
Time has come to pay...
Know your enemy!
Come on!
Yes I know my enemies
They're the teachers who taught me to fight me
Compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission
Ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality, the elite
All of which are American dreams (8 times)
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams
All of which are American dreams
Packin' My Bags...
You know, living on an island is look more appealing all the time. I can picture it now - palm trees, mai-tais... Yeah - if I resort to that kind of life, things will definitely be much more peaceful, and I won't even think of doing something stupid that is against my beliefs in the first place. *sigh* I'll just keep the island "in sight," and eventually it will come to fruition. (grin) If living in this country isn't all that it's supposed to be, then maybe it's time to find somewhere else that might.
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