Thursday, September 08, 2005

Changes In Latitudes...

I've Got An Idea...
I just got home from my group therapy session, and had a great time. It is helping me take tremendous strides into socializing with people, talking about everyday things (read: small talk.) Anyway, We talked today about intimate relationships, and I aired my criteria regarding what has to happen in order to have one. I brought up points such as:


1) Music is my passion, not just a hobby; therefore anyone who thinks that I'm going to give it up for them is certifiably nuts! Period.

2) I'm not going to give it up just so that I can work a lame ass job to pay for that $300,000+ home, the SUV in the drive, or the 2.3 kids running around in the yard. Sorry, dear - it isn't going to happen. For me, happiness is not about acquiring material things - it's about discovery, challenge, and accomplishment. Material things are but a mere part of our lives. I agree that food, clothing, and shelter are indeed important, but even things such as the internet are not neccessary. They are nice to have, but I stand firm in my beliefs.

3) I'm not going to spend my life in regret because I didn't go after my calling and what I resonate with... etc

I'm not going to change for anyone, nor demean myself to please them. If they like what they see, that's great. I am who I am - take it or leave it.


Evaluation...
Upon examining these statements, the group came up with the idea that maybe I need to move to an area where it's laid-back, and the tension is not so high. Maybe staying in this area is a major cause of many of my problems. I'll admit, I toyed with the idea many times, but was too afraid to try it. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it - I now feel quite differently.

Randy...
Randy California ( famed guitarist/vocalist for the 1960s band, Spirit,) did it. He had had enough of the craziness in show biz, so he headed for Hawaii. He slept on the beaches for a while until he got on his feet. His musical ability flourished, as the natives taught him slack-key tunings on the acoustic guitar, among other things. I figure this much - if he can do it, then I can too! This doesn't mean that I MUST go to Hawaii - just somewhere that is of that nature.

What To Do?
I could play in a band, or solo acoustic shows in a resort, payment in room and board. I could do odd jobs on the side, and meet new people. A group member brought up the fact that people are much more relaxed and outgoing when they are on vacation - this in and of itself would make it quite easy, as I tend to (obviously) find it easier to socialize with them.

Music, Music, Music...
I'm sure that there would be lots of local musicians to jam with, who would be more than willing to play along. If there wasn't one already, I could host a nice jam night, and make it fun for everyone! Hell, even get the tourists involved! Let that guy from South Dakota plunk out the chords to "Margaritaville," and bellow at the top of his lungs. Sound like a plan? I think so!

R-A-D-I-O!
I could set up my studio again, and get back on the air from my residence, or even better - go work at one of the local radio stations doing on-air, production/station imaging, or whatever they need me to do. I think that would be a blast! Hey, I already know that radio doesn't pay much, usually, so that's not a factor!

Making Arts And Crafts...
I could see myself doing something like that - maybe making some hats for the tourists, or just something really cool. I used to like to whittle when I was younger - maybe I can get back into that as well.

Writing/Poetry...
I would be more than happy to write on a regular basis - whether it was for informational, educational, or entertainment purposes. I really do love to sit down, putting pen to paper (or in this case, putting fingers to keyboard,) and just going wherever it takes me. Many times that journey alone is the greatest thing that has happened in my day.

Summary...
These are just a few thoughts, and it's only the beginning. I realize that I need to take many steps in order for this to happen, but that's okay. I'm ready to get my life together and prioritize it. When the chips are down and times get hard, I'll just remind myself of how much I've gotten myself through.

Taking Charge...
I also believe that when I'm totally in charge of my life, not living under someone else's roof - totally supporting myself, then I appreciate it even more. I don't wake up with that sense of dread - I know that what I am doing is making a difference, and does have an immediate impact on me. This, in turn, creates a sense of responsibility, and helps me to keep it all under control. I haven't felt that way in 9 years - that was the last time I lived totally alone (me and my doggie.)

The Good Times...

I didn't have much monetarily, but I enjoyed every moment of it. I learned to do without alot of things, to build what I needed, and what I really enjoyed doing in my spare time. I don't ever remember coming home once saying, "I hate my job," or "I hate my life," or "I'm so poor." I remember the good times - WANK radio (my pirate radio station in an upstairs room,) band rehearsals on the terrace, listening to music loudly for long periods of time while relaxing in my recliner, and studying in complete silence - the dog laying next to me.

I would give just about anything to have that all back. Actually, I don't need it all back - I just want the feeling associated with it all. Is that too much to ask?


Questions...Comments...Suggestions?? I'm all ears!

5 comments:

Beaty said...

so what do you play? and off topic, do u have a mental illness?

Beaty said...

i got a new blog,
http://schizoid-beat.blogspot.com
i hope you enjoy the song

Danny said...

Fernando:

Thanks for checking out my blog. Yes, I do suffer from Bipolar Disorder, coupled with anxiety and panic - what a cocktail!

I play both bass and guitar - going to teach myself to play the piano again also. Drums are not too far behind. Wind instruments I'm not too sure of yet. We shall see.

Tabor said...

You were a different Danny back then when you were so happy. You are another person now. I don't think you want to go back to that place. I still reiterate that it is all about balance and balance involves compromise. Small sacrifices. You need to accept that if you get it all the way you want it, you will have to do it alone. Being alone is not all bad, just the way you would be.

Danny said...

Perhaps I am looking at this from an extreme point-of-view. I just need to "tweak" this idea a little bit, and use it as a starting point.

True that I don't mind being alone, but I'll admit there are times when I wish that I had someone. I just can't get myself to get into another relationship, having had problems in the past. I don't feel that i'm "relationship-compatible."

Don't get me wrong - I am willing to compromise on most things, but there are some that I will absolutely refuse to budge on. Music is one of those things.

I know that nothing is perfect, but things such as distance, cleanliness, and already having children come into play.

I'd better stop now - I'm already head-long into an anxiety attack...