200....and Counting...

The Time Has Finally Come...
Yep. I am at that point in my life when I am beginning to actually gain weight (and keep it!) I used to hover around 185-190 lbs. at the most, but now I've hit the proverbial two-hundred pound mark (according to my parents' scale.) I re-weighed myself two other times, and the result was the same, so the average works out to 200. Wow - I really need to control my eating!

Oink, Oink!
Since I started cooking for myself, my portions have been rather large at times. I also find myself craving alot of cheese and sweet stuff, namely chocolate candy bars. It's not uncommon for me to go through a one-pound container of port wine or sharp cheddar cheese in two days. The stuff is just so damn good! But I don't think that I'm eating just because I'm craving the taste - I think that it's something else. Maybe it's for the same reason alot of people overeat - comfort.

Alone...
Now, don't get me wrong - I love my freedom. But there are times when I don't know what to do with myself, so I go right to the refrigerator and grab something to eat. At first, it was just a bowl of salad with bleu cheese dressing, croutons, and tomatoes. Now it's sharp cheddar or port wine cheese, summer sausage, and crackers. I also tend to consume alot of chocolate as well. For example - I went grocery shopping yesterday, and I bought a bag of Snickers candy bars (fun size.) I find myself getting into them nearly every time I go into the kitchen. I would say that 3/4 of the bag is gone now. I never thought that it would come to this - that I'd have to curb my eating.

Exercise...
When it was nice outside in the summer and fall, I used to walk around town, lap around the square a few times, and head home. Now that it's rather cold outside, I don't have the urge to go out and brave the elements for 30-60 minutes every day - perhaps I ought to. It might do me some good. It's hard to believe that at one time in my life I was athletic. You wouldn't know by looking at me.

Food = ?
It seems that the food is replacing something that is missing in my life. I don't think that it's a relationship or sex. I believe that is replacing my courage to get out there and do things when I'm not playing gigs. That has always been a big deal for me. I'm not a socialite, and I am not one for small talk. I find that alot of my ideals go against the grain, or that my jokes are not funny unless you know the inside references. As a result, I just stay in my apartment day and night for days on end, only leaving if absolutely necessary. It's similar to being depressed, but I don't feel down.

I Feel.....Bleh.
The word that I use to describe it is "bleh." Maybe I feel a tad depressed, but not overcome by it. I have been on the telephone alot today - mostly to confirm gigs, practices, etc. If I really feel awful, I usually try to reach out to someone in my support network. I haven't been suicidal in months, and I'm really proud of that. I guess that the novelty of being on my own has worn off, and being alone is just normal now. I guess this is where the food comes in - if I feel bad, I'll eat; then, I'll feel better. At least I am aware of it, and I want to do something about it. I would try the ABWheel, but every time I use the thing, it feels like I'm ripping myself apart. Pushups? I'm lucky if I can do one. The same goes for sit ups. Maybe I need to see my buddy in the city - he's a personal trainer, and he may have some ideas and or suggestions. I hope that he doesn't suggest putting eggs in the blender and drinking them! I'd have to say "no, thanks!"

In Other News...
Amidst all of this, I have been able to keep the house clean, do my dishes, and pay my bills, so it's not all for naught. I am going to get some sort of weekly/daily planner tool, and just plan out my days. I need some sort of structure to build upon. I find that when I'm busy, I'm usually much happier. I don't have time to think and dwell on things. I will never forget to give myself some free time, but I won't neglect things that need to be done either.

I guess that I'll just sit here until 10 p.m., and then go to bed. 40 minutes to go...