Monday, May 16, 2005

32 Years...

Just Waking Up...

Today I woke up at 2:28 pm. I set my alarm for approximately 10am, not knowing why. As it turns out, when I turned on my phone, there was a voicemail from my dad wishing me a happy birthday. He wanted to take me out for lunch today. He said that it was OK if I wanted to do it tomorrow instead. I guess that's what I'm going to do. Even though it's ok with him, I still feel bad about not waking up. Alot of good that will do me. I guess my initial reaction is a tearful one.

Goin' Up's Easy, Comin' Down's Hard...

Just like the song says, even though it's referring to being famous and making your way to the top, only to fall down to the bottom again.The majority of the time I wake up upset, it seems. But I was manic for a while, and now it's time to come down. It's the hardest time for me to deal with. That's also a very dangerous time. Thankfully, I usually just tear up and cry a little. OK alot.

Happy Birthday to Me...

I know that today is my birthday, but I still feel like I want to just lay around and cry all day. My phone rang again. It was my therapist. She called to tell me that I missed my appointment (it was at 2pm.) It is now 2:44pm. This makes me feel even worse. I usually never miss an
appointment, and this is the first one that I have missed in a long time. All because of the choice that I had made.

What A Mess...

I have to face facts - my life is a mess right now, and I can't seem to get it together. The only thing that I have going for me is the band. I am progressing to higher heights and becoming recognized. They just don't see the real me. The guy who can't get up in the morning to
go to a job, who sleeps all day; only to perpetuate the cycle. It makes me feel like a waste.


I can sit here all day and feel bad for myself, but it won't change things. Self-pity is something that I am extremely proficient in. The rest of the world can see that I'm pretty much a wreck (off-stage that is.) This also makes it a problem to meet new people - especially of the opposite sex.

Hi! My Name is Danny...and I Have Issues.

It's very difficult to hide who I am - to put on a happy face to meet someone. I seem to scare them away after a while. I have so many issues that it's nearly impossible to maintain a relationship. As a result, I tend to "take what I can get," and it usually ends in a bad way, or I just cut it off. The majority of my time is spent alone - in solitude and constant sorrow. My friends know this, and they at least keep in touch with me. I guess I choose to be this way - to cut myself off from the rest of the world, and not acknowledge that it's there.

The Great Roller Coaster

The best way to describe the illness is that it's like a roller-coaster that you have never ridden. You never know what lurks around the next corner. Sure, you may be aware of a pattern, but it's still difficult, nonetheless. You have the point where you are at ground level (when you get on the ride,) and the acension begins. You are transcending and realizing you keep going higher and higher. Things seem great and you long to feel the intensity of what life has to offer. Pretty soon you end up at the top, and before you know it, there's that feeling, just before you come down - it's like a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. You come down and that "rush" is gone. In addition, you have several unexpected turns that happen in your life, as well as things that will throw you for a complete loop. At the end of the ride, you are exhausted, from all of this. Just
imagine riding that same roller coaster continuously, non-stop; being chained in, not being able to get out. Some can't deal with this constant torture and ultimately find the worst way to end the ride. My friends, welcome to bipolar disorder - the best and worst roller coaster that you could ever ride in your life.


During this time, I have a heightened sense of awareness, and everything seems to make sense. I can usually trace complicated things back to simple concepts, and make engineering-types of people feel somewhat intimidated. There is a tremendous clarity during those times, and the urge to create is immense. It's also a time when you might try to do something that you wouldn't normally do, which could be dangerous or even life-threatening.

The Walk

For example, the other night I got a little upset when I tried to meet someone and failed. I started walking across a major four-lane highway very slowly. I saw cars coming at me, but didn't feel any fear at all. I just kept the same pace. They were far enough away from me, but if
they had sped up, I probably would have gotten hit. At that moment, I really didn't care. I failed to think of what an impact it would have had on others in my life. I just kept focusing on that pain and a solution to get rid of it. It's during those times that you have to let someone know how you feel - it's VITAL!


When you come down, it's terrible. Everything seems to just pull you down. You compare yourself to others and feel inadequate. You begin to question your very existence, what your purpose in life is, and if you should continue to go on. The emotional torment just seems to
color your world black, and you just want to curl up in a ball and wait for the storm to go pass.

The Storm

You feel as if you are caught in a bad storm - exposed to the elements, with no shelter in sight. The only protection that you have is your ability to curl up in a ball, and that doesn't help much. You can't help but wonder when the storm will pass. Some choose not to protect themselves and just die in it. They let the lightning strike them to their death, or even worse, they drown themselves in the flood of sorrow. A sad demise indeed.

An Observation

Mental illness can be just as debilitating as a physical disability, and the world needs to take notice of that. It's time for society to quit turning a blind eye to mental health issues! Every year, MILLIONS of people end their lives due to mental illness. It can ruin your life completely. It can affect your ability to work, your family life, and cause several other problems down the road. To say that "it's all in your head" is just downright unacceptable - period. The days of just blocking out mental illness and pretending it's not there are OVER. WAKE UP, PEOPLE! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND FACE THE MUSIC!

To All The "Normies"

Those of you that don't understand, or choose not to - I feel sorry for you. You feel that it's all in our minds, and that it's an excuse not to function in this world. Let me put it to you this way (the
storm analogy again,) Imagine a raging violent storm that you can't get away from no matter how hard you try. It follows you everywhere, and tends to focus solely on you. It saturates every aspect of your life; your mind tends to become water-logged and you just drown in the sorrow of it all. If you choose not to even give this a thought or to even try to, I have no sympathy for you when you are physically disabled. How does that make YOU feel? Pretty bad, eh? Remember, "it's all in your mind," right? There. Chew on that for a while, you members of the disabilty determination beaureau, doctors that choose not to believe, or anyone else for that matter. GET A CLUE!!! IT IS REAL AND DOES EXIST!


Can you sense my anger and hostility towards those who are the "enemy?" It's a very intense feeling, and I feel that I would literally beat down ANYONE who would tell it to my face. Trust me, I could do it. OK. You get the point.

I'll get into more of my episodes later on. For now, I have to make myself go out and face the more time. For those that believe and sympathize, thank you. For those that don't want to, I have two choice words for you:


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