Tuesday, May 24, 2005

A Situation...
Have you ever been in a situation where you are at the top your game in some aspects of your life, and at the opposite in others? In one "arena" you are totally at ease, and for that moment, everything is fine. Once you get out of there, the others are not so great.

How Does This Apply?
Well, this applies to me in the following manner. In the music world, I am totally on top of my game. I can pretty much take whatever is dished out to me. Meaning, whatever song or jam that someone wants to play, I can usually catch on quickly enough and hold it together. I am blessed to have this very unique gift. I plan to use it to its full potential.

In other parts of my world, I am not so fortunate. I am unemployed (of my own choice, due to issues with anxiety and bipolar disorder.) going through the proceedings to qualify for disablity, and just basically hanging onto what I make from gigs - and believe me, that isn't much. I wasn't able to make rent this month, and I probably won't this month either, so that means it's time to start looking for somewhere to go.

Time To Go...
Maybe I'll do as a friend once did - live in a storage unit for a little while. I know that if I got caught it would mean alot of trouble. I can't go back home to my parents, as there is no room for me to come back. I'm sure I'll find somewhere to go. If the band self-destructs, I'm just going to rent a U-Haul trailer, and take off somewhere, maybe out west, or down south. I'm not sure yet.

What Am I Trying To Say?
No, I'm not looking for a handout, but I can tell you this - it certainly wouldn't hurt to win the lottery or something! I thought of playing it before, but totally forgot about getting a ticket. Perhaps it's worth a go. It would be great to win maybe $50,000 or even more. This would allow me to eliminate most of my debt, and to get by for a while. Hell, I could make that last more than a year. I am a man of means, so that's not a problem. Sure, I like some of the finer things in life, but they are not neccessary for survival. As a matter of fact, I am very thrifty with my money. I always look for the deals on things that I buy, and the food that I eat. If gasoline wasn't so damn much, I'd stretch my money even further than I am now. Oh well, it's a pipe dream.

Time For Change
As a good friend of mine said recently - you're about due for a life-changing experience. I whole-heartedly agreed. It has been about five years since that has happened. I don't feel that it's owed to me; rather I feel that I am workin towards that. Those are the times in my life when I am genuinely happy. I feel important, special, and that I am not a hopeless case. It's that "golden moment." Everything is fine for a while. Yes, I have bouts with depression during that time, but they aren't nearly as bad as a time such as right now. During these times, they hit hardest and cut the deepest. These are the times when you dread getting out of bed and trying to function as a "normal" human being.

Final Thoughts
I met an elderly woman last night who said some very positive and empowering words to me. She said one sentence to me that will stick in my mind for quite a long time - "Dan, you are strong and I can tell you're gonna be OK - things will work out for you." For some reason, I was able to totally believe that. It has been a long time since I have had that ability. Suffice it to say, but I truly believe that somehow, someway, it's going to be alright. This is a storm right now, but He will be there for me.

Please don't get me wrong - I'm not a born-again Christian or anything of that nature. I will say this - too many things have happened in my life to be considered a coincidence. I'm a believer, just not in organized religion (I'll go into that in a later posting.) Maybe I'm not a success story, nor do I have a family or a steady job. But...that doesn't matter. Somehow it all works out, of course provided I put forth the effort. Sometimes getting started is the most difficult part.

Running on Empty
By Jackson Browne

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
Looking back at the years gone by like so many summer fields
In sixty-five I was seventeen and running up one-o-one
I don’t know where I’m running now, I’m just running on

Running on - running on empty
Running on - running blind
Running on - running into the sun
But I’m running behind

Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive
Trying not to confuse it with what you do to survive
In sixty-nine I was twenty-one and I called the road my own
I don’t know when that road turned onto the road I’m on

Running on - running on empty
Running on - running blind
Running on - running into the sun
But I’m running behind

Everyone I know, everywhere I go
People need some reason to believe
I don’t know about anyone but me
If it takes all night, that’ll be all right
If I can get you to smile before I leave

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don’t know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running too

Running on - running on empty
Running on - running blind
Running on - running into the sun
But I’m running behind

Honey you really tempt me
You know the way you look so kind
I’d love to stick around but I’m running behind
You know I don’t even know what I’m hoping to find
Running into the sun but I’m running behind

1 comment:

Tabor said...

You sound like you have it together. You seem to realize that the road you are on goes up and it goes down and you just have to hang in there when the ride gets a little too much like a roller coaster.