Monday, May 09, 2005


Dis·ar·ray (ds-r) n. A state of disorder; confusion.*
Yep. One word says it all. My life is in total disarray. I have lost the ability to rise early in the morning, and to go to bed at a "respectable hour." I am truly zombified - numb to the world. It takes me several hours just to "wake up." It also takes me a while to realize what I am feeling, or what the day's initial emotion or reaction will be. It seems the first one to hit me is guilt, or a feeling of sorrow, because I was unable to wake up and "pound the pavement."

Back to Square One
It's no secret that I need to find work again. My rent is past due and I only have enough money in the bank to last a few weeks. I've never gotten myself in a situation like this. I feel so helpless, but I am aware of it at least, and I won't make a decision that I will regret, or hurt others for that matter. I know that there are ways that I can get help for the time being (such as the township trustee or a church.) I am not ashamed to admit that I need a helping hand. I won't, however ask friends and family for money. I couldn't bring myself to do that. I know that my dad would help me the best that he could, but he has his own problems. I couldn't ever impose upon him like that. He's helped me out of alot of jams before, so just this once I need to find a way to do it myself. Step one is to get out there and do it!

I think that part of the problem is that I have some compulsive issues, one of them being the Internet itself. I'll get on a kick for something, and just keep researching the hell out of it for hours and hours. I'll realize what time it is and say to myself "well, maybe just a few more minutes, then I'll go to bed..." For instance: last night, I was looking for online streams that play meditative music. This turned out to be like a 3-hour "project." I was on my way to bed around 1:30 am or so, and then decided to go back to the pc and try to find some streams to listen to. I became obssessed and started hunting down streams like crazy. Yes, I did find many, and bookmarked them in my player, but by the time I was done, it was around 3:30-4:00 am.

Rise and Shine
I really hadn't planned to stay up that late. As a result, when my alarm when off at 9:30 am, I felt lethargic and could barely move; just enough to hit the snooze bar. I think I slept through the alarm the second time that it went off. I barely remember hitting the off switch. When I finally came to, it was approximately 1:30 pm; it was then that I knew I had to get up and function in the world. I awoke with that guilty feeling. I knew that I had bills to be paid, but also realized that my money was running out. This was my initial "emotion for the day." I turned on my phone and went to the bathroom. Then I went straight to the pc, just to see what was going on. I checked my e-mail and then decided to write in my blog.

Things to Do Today
I called my buddy back as he left a voicemail for me. He wants me to come over so we can tweak my guitar again. I'm fine with that, so I'm trying to put on a happy face and that everything is ok, even when it's not. He knows though when I'm not doing good. I just don't want to make it so obvious. As he says, "it's not always about you, Danny." I agree, man. I am doing my best not to have my head stuck up my ass. It's a work in progress.

Natural High

Yesterday, I was cutting the grass, and a feeling of euphoria overcame me. I became giddy and laughed alot. I couldnt' figure it out. I thought that maybe the grass itself was getting me high, or the exhaust fumes from the mower were doing it. I couldn't put my finger on it, but the feeling lasted several hours afterwards. The inevitable downward spiral came eventually though, as I knew it would. It was back to reality and how I dealt with it. I told my buddy this, and he suggested that maybe it was due to the fact that I was getting some exercise. I pondered the possibility, and perhaps he is right. Maybe it was an endorphin rush or something. I don't exercise regularly, and I'm depressed more often than not, so it's very hard to tell when I have a natural high, or it's due to something else. All I know is, I like that feeling and I want it back. I don't care how I got it, I just want to feel that way more often than not. I hate being miserable 85% of the time. Maybe the increase in meds (Lamictal) will start to help. I can only hope.

Little Neutrino

By Klaatu

Across your open mind
I trace erratic lines
In motion and in time

I fought a battle won
To the surface of the sun
Through fires on and on

It's only you
It can't be me
For I myself refuse to be
I am someone you'll never know
I am the little neutrino

Solus is not far away
It's face is brighter than a day
So don't turn me away

It's only you
It can't be me
For I myself refuse to be
I am someone you'll never know
I am the little neutrino

And now I'm passing through
The one who's known as you
And yet you'll never know I do



ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

:-/ Is there anything I can do to help you out dude, a little money or something? Please let me know, we can talk about this on the phone when I talk to you next as well. I feel bad about the whole situation, and you are too genuine of a person to have to suffer through this alone. We will talk, and soon.

Incidentally, what amount of Lamictal are you on at the moment?

(((((JUMBO HUGS)))))


Danny said...

Thanks for your sympathy and offer to support. I truly appreciate that. At the moment, I am on 150mg of lamictal, and I will be increasing to 200mg today. We'll see how that goes.