Thursday, May 12, 2005

To The Group...

Here's a reply to an email that I received from the facilitator of my local DBSA chapter. She's truly a very sweet woman. She was very concerned, as I haven't been at several meetings.


Thanks for checking up on me. I am going through some difficult times right now, as I am unemployed (of my own doing,) and money is extremely tight. I was unable to pay the rent for last month, and I'm not sure how I'm going to do it for next month either. I guess that I have to think about where I am going to go, eventually. I know I need to find work again as well. As you know, this is no simple feat for me. The good news is that I am not going hungry, and I am eating good meals frequently.

I guess that you could say that I am fearing for my life at this point, and don't really know what to do. I was thinking of going to the towship trustee's office and see if I can get assistance through them. When I was living in G, we did this, and I did community service in return. I would definitely be willing to do that, if it were an option.

As for your invitations to join you at church, I appreciate that. However, due to my past experiences with organized religion, I choose not to participate in it. Please, don't get me wrong; I DO believe in Him and the powers that He has within our lives. I believe that He is there for all of us. I just don't need someone else to point out what I am doing wrong in my life, when many times the one who is quick to pass judgement upon others, is actually the one who is ultimately in the wrong. I don't like that "Do as I say, not as I do" approach. "Judge not, lest ye be judged yourself," Is how I believe the old saying goes. That being said, I don't believe that all churches (or those who attend them) are this way, nonetheless I have a "bad taste in my mouth" as a result.

The band is doing well and we are getting much exposure. Our new singer is a tremendous asset which we truly needed. A strong frontman is always a must when it comes to having a band. Someone has to stand at the forefront; to work the crowd and inspire others to "get into the music." D and I both get the crowd going, and it's a wonderful feeling that I can't put a price on, nor would I ever consider it. I think that music will take me down alot of roads and eventually be my trade of choice. I seem to be able to use my musical ear to learn songs very quickly, which is valuable on jam nights. We host one regularly on Fridays at Romano's in Schererville. As a result my musical "chops" have become well-honed, and I can sit in with nearly anyone who comes up to the stage (if they need a bass player for their set.) Please tell J that, as I do play alot of blues as well!

The jam nights themselves are a little hectic. It's an all-ages type of thing and the kids who hang out at the local coffee house come to play. Admittedly, they drive me crazy with all their screaming and yelling angst-ridden music. I have to remember that I was a kid once, and that they are just learning to feel their way around; testing their metal, so to speak. Nonetheless, I have major anxiety and trust issues with them, and am I bit defensive, almost agressive towards them ("stay back, and don't tear up my equipment!") Perhaps I'm a bit too harsh towards them because they don't want to listen. I tried being a fatherly type once before and found out quickly that it wasn't for me. Anyway, that's the latest on that situation.

I have been going through some tough times emotionally. In February, I was feeling somewhat suicidal; not because of a strong dislike or hatred of myself, rather a feeling of unbelievable hopelessness overtook me. I did the right thing, and reached out to many people at this time, and I should have reached out to the group more. I am still having issues with talking to a group, even though I have been going for nearly five years. I have a huge inferiority complex and feel that my words don't touch many, nor that they care to understand. I do my best to lend an ear to everyone - just because I don't say much about their situation doesn't mean that I don't care. Sometimes I just don't know where to begin, or if I can say anything that could be of assistance. It's difficult to reach out in that respect.

I bear no malice toward anyone, and I am deeply saddened if my absence has caused you (or anyone else) any grave concerns. I do plan to attend the next meeting, and I promise to be as forthright as I can, without dominating the conversation. I've told you before of my thoughts on certain meetings. If you wish to share this email with the group, I have no problem with that. I would like them to know that I am doing better in alot of ways. I am re-discovering myself on a daily basis; re-learning thought patterns and reactions to everyday situations. I guess it's like Life Skills 101 - the course that should be taught in ALL schools during a child's formative years.

With that note, I hope that this finds you well and I promise that you will hear from me soon. Take care and God Bless.



I feel very fortunate to be a member of the group for nearly 5 years now. They have helped me alot and in many ways that they will never know. We have done some great outings, such as eat at a local Japanese restaurant for our Christmas party. I look forward to those things quite a bit. It's those "little things" that help to get me through and to keep forging on through the day-to-day struggle that is known as LIFE.

Be well, everyone!

No comments: